Squaring the Circle, Cylindering the Cube.

Link To Today’s Pointless Strip.

Yesterday we ruled out some possible Pizza Monsters based simply on having an ironclad alibi, and we got some interesting guesses in the comments based on the evidence. Today I want to take a deeper look using geometry…see if we can cross a few more names off the list.

First of all the dimensions of an average large pizza box are as follows.

Now lets look at the dimensions of the Luigi’s Pizza Monster. It is made up of at least two different sizes of pizza boxes though they seem to have a similar height.

So the Luigi’s monster would be, at a very minimum, 66 inches tall…and probably a little more. Somewhere between five and a half and six feet tall.

More importantly, this monster is only about 18 inches from front to back, even though it is 32 inches wide. Assuming a human torso is roughly elliptical, and using the equation to find the area of an ellipse. A = πab. With a as the minor radius of 9 inches, and b as the major radius of 16 inches, we get an area of roughly 450 square inches, and an estimated perimeter of 80 inches, However, that is an ellipse twice as wide as it is deep, most people with an 80 inch waist would not be that flat. Unless they were some kind of horrific softshell tortoise human.

🎃Elle-O-Ween🎃 on Twitter: "FLORIDA SOFTSHELL TURTLE (Dec 22-Jan 19)  You're either all the way out there or entirely withdrawn. There's no  in-between. You're a case study in extremes. You try your best
Pictured…not the Pizza Monster.

Point being. The Pizza Monster probably isn’t very fat. As can be seen in the bits of wrist or ankle we can see in various shots.

Also, did you know that the Pizza Monster this year has a different construction technique for the arms? I’m guessing it allows for better helicopter clinging and ladder climbing action.

It’s Evolving….

So, I’ll say we can safely rule out DSH John. Even though it would fit his cheap nature to use the dozens of old Montoni’s boxes he no doubt has stashed around his comic shop in order to steal yet more pizza. And even though it would have also suited his underhanded and duplicitous side to offer the services of the cosplayer Mr. Monster last year, and then use his knowledge of that friend’s cootie allergy to steal the aforementioned pizza. Poor Dead Skunk Head is just too fat and out of shape.

By the same token, we can rule out Tony, Donna, Dinkle, Harriet, a magically rejuvenated Crankshaft, and Chester Hagglemore. They’re all just too portly, old, or both to make this costume work. Especially since, on average, the Montoni’s Pizza Monster seems to use less boxes than Luigi’s.

This pointless, boring, and unreadable chart took an hour of my life I will never ever get back. No, I don’t know why I did it, but I decided that you have to know that I did.

From the hands we can also tell that Pizza Monster has a lighter skin tone, ruling out Cayla, Principal Nate, and Bernie’s two friends who maybe have names I guess.

So our culprit is white, not fat, still limber, knows Montoni’s, knows Funky, and has such a strong desire to mess with him every Halloween that they’re willing to do all of this.

What do you guys think? Any more names we can add to, or take off, of the list?

46 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

46 responses to “Squaring the Circle, Cylindering the Cube.

  1. Epicus Doomus

    That’s some, uh, interesting perspective there in panel one, as it appears that one of Pizza Monster’s legs has fallen off, with the lower half stuck between his other leg and his stump. Oh well. The guy who draws this thing probably has his hands full with “fleshing out” this BatYam guy’s nutty ideas and peculiar quirks.

    “A what? A monster made of pizza boxes? Is it supposed to be someone in a costume made of pizza boxes? What do you mean you don’t know? Sigh. OK, sir.”

    It’s pretty obvious to me that Pizza Monster has to be none other than Jessica’s father, John Darling. It’ll turn out that he faked his own death and so forth yadda yadda yadda had a Montoni jones and etc. Then he’ll get a job at Atomik Komix, or maybe the high school or something like that. Geez, this arc isn’t even fun to speculate upon.

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      And when they don’t rise from the dead, they live and work well into their 90s. Only Gasoline Alley is worse with that. I think that strip is up to three generations of centenarians by now.

    • Westview Radiology

      It’s Wally.

  2. William Thompson

    The hands look vaguely (what else, in this strip?) masculine, so that probably rules out any of the women.

    Now, how do you run in that costume, as the beast appears to do? Judging by the photograph, that costume should have about as much flexibility as Robbie the Robot. How can the two leg sections fit one another and the bottom of the trunk, as they do in the photo, with no evident gaps present? t should be impossible to expose the knees like that, if nothing else. It really ruins whatever mystique this creation had.

  3. none

    Well I’ll take the time to say thank you, Harriet, for attempting to make this week have something interesting to ponder.

    Speculating on the strip’s future has lost a lot of its appeal after Phil Holt’s resurrection and arc, given that there was any kind of perceptible appeal beforehand. Tying this in with his recent blog post – he wants death to be a momentous occasion, and with that arc, death became irrelevant. Where does the work even go if you have that kind of a fundamental contradiction at its base.

  4. Gerard Plourde

    Could it be Cindy Summers-Winkerbean-Jarre? How many criteria does she meet?

    Someone who knows Montoni’s. Check. Grew up in Westview and was married to the co-owner.

    Someone who knows Funky enough to want to prank him three years in a row. Check. See above,

    Someone who would take all this time and effort to annoy a middle-aged man on Halloween. Probable check. She’s his ex-wife and he was actively alcoholic during their marriage. (I forget whether this contributed to the divorce). The annoyance she exacts is pretty minor. And she’s self-employed, married to an A-List movie star, and, based on her network career, probably wealthy in her own right. Time and cost are not a concern.

  5. spacemanspiff85

    I hope this turns out to be Funky himself, and he’s had a severe psychotic break, possibly due to relapsing back into alcoholism as a result of all the renos and having to cook hot dogs and peas.

  6. J.J. O'Malley

    What I find interesting is that this is presumably taking place on Halloween night, and there seems to be not a single person working in the Montoni’s kitchen. Yeah, I know, they’ll all on “Pizza Monster” watch, but come on, shouldn’t there be at least ONE order in the oven? Also, the kitchen lights are apparently off, but the switch in panel two is in the up position. And why are the boxes that comprise PM’s chest and abdomen dual rows rectangular?

  7. Sourbelly

    I was told there would be no math on this snark site. Harrummph!

    I’m guessing it’s Summer, desperately trying to regain relevance in her father’s strip. Working at a mall kiosk during Christmas season can’t be enough for her, right?

    Or maybe, just maybe, it’s that jogging robot/soccer field aerator, also desperately trying to stay/become relevant.

    Regardless, Mr. Batdick hasn’t tried to be relevant in the last couple of decades.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      Yep, I’m guessing Summer too. It’s not like she is studying for a real degree and so she has the time to goof off like this.

  8. sorialpromise

    This is why I love this site. I haven’t even read CBH’s post yet, (and I’m addicted to her!) just reading the link cracked me up!

  9. I dunno, Chullo maybe? Maybe he got mascot fever after he caught that pass.

  10. billytheskink

    I’m guessing it’s Livinia… because women’s lib doesn’t know who the pizza monster is and that won’t hurt ’em. Now, what I know for certain sure is that CBH is doing yeoman’s work this week.

  11. Y. Knott

    CBH, I admire your work ethic and dedication! However, if you wanted to prove you’ve thought about this issue more than Tom Batiuk … you only needed to prove you thought about it AT ALL.

  12. Hitorque

    1. I’d like to think even James Bond would make a shitload of attention-grabbing noises trying to stealth his way around in a pizza box suit…

    2. So, despite having Crazy Harry as a lookout, he didn’t notice the freaking loud assed helicopter just above him? And nobody inside Montoni’s went out to check?

    3. So does this Pizza Monster attack other Italian eateries, or just Montoni’s? And if he loves pizza so much why does he only feed once a year on Halloween?

  13. Banana Jr. 6000

    I still say it’s Lisa. It makes no sense, but it makes the right kind of no sense for the Funkyverse.

  14. If I had to pin down a single name, then, Wally Winkerbean. Haven’t seen him for a while, knows ways to mildly annoy his father, probably has a lot of free time while waiting for his biennial story about how he finally overcomes his PTSD and is ready to take some classes at Local Community College.

    I’ll admit that, while I’m impressed by the work trying to figure out Pizza Monster’s size from the art, I just can’t believe that a great mass of pizza boxes are going to be drawn with the rigor needed to make that sort of calculation meaningful. Also I grant it’s possible we’ve seen Wally and Pizza Monster in the same panel, because even after looking at yesterday’s collection, I’m not precisely sure what Wally looks like.

    If it turns out we’ve seen Wally and the Pizza Monster in the same panel, then put me down for “Pizza Monster is one of several people who’ve all devoted themselves as a group to this cause, taking turns so each has plausible alibis, even though it seems like a lot more work than necessary when you consider that you could mildly annoy Funky Winkerbean just by reminding him that, oh, cars exist or people buy water in bottles or something”.

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      The PBM almost has to be ex-military. Why? Because he was seen lowering himself out of the helicopter on a rope ladder. With no safety gear, and in a costume that makes movement difficult, No company that rents helicopters would let just any old passenger attempt that. Only people in very specialized roles would be practiced at that maneuver. An ex-ground troop like Wally could plausibly be one.

      Of course, Wally still has crippling PTSD, and how he got control of a helicopter is never explained. But as you said, the story doesn’t justify rigor. It’s exactly the sort of solution Batiuk would come up with. It minimally fits the facts, but creates a hundred new plot holes and continuity problems.

      • Maxine of Arc

        Wally makes the most sense, but I kind of hope it’s some kind of weird community postmodern art project.

        We can also rule out Becky, as PM requires four functional limbs to even attempt this helicopter thing, but she could still be the shadowy mastermind and DSH her minion on the ground.

    • Anonymous Sparrow

      This reminds me of the conception of the Red Hood in BATMAN: THE KILLING JOKE, wherein the Red Hood was several criminals, not simply one.

      The last wearer became the Joker, and we never have learned his true name in eighty-one years.

      The Pizza Monster doesn’t have the same gravitas.

      • Banana Jr. 6000

        I was going to say it reminded me of the last shot of Man In The Moon.

        But you nailed it: there’s no gravitas. There’s no greater mystery to be solved here. In fact what we’re supposed to care about makes no sense. Of course Funky knows who the Pizza Box Monster is. He’s basically Montoni’s corporate mascot. Funky could be pretending not to know, just to get everyone else wound up, but he’s the only who seems invested in the outcome. And it’s a very easy problem to solve.

  15. Rusty Shackleford

    New BattyBlog post is up…with gems like this:

    “The angel of death’s unseen presence imbues the work with a tone that permeates everything without ever needing to be mentioned.”

    Yeah, that foul odor of awards chasing does permeate everything.

  16. sgtsaunders

    Size? Size ya got? Query how anyone gets in and out of the torso structure. Further, how are those boxes fastened together so that arm hole can be cut. Back to the torso set – are all the tops and bottoms removed to accommodate the wearer? I could go on, but the entire Pizza Monster enterprise is dreary and stupid.

    • ComicBookHarriet

      Dreary and stupid, like a concussed possum in the rain.

      And I’m just the unlucky soul to has to find a way to gut, skin, stuff, and mount that dumb, wet, overgrown rat into an something interesting to look at for a week.

      I carry a little card around with me in my pocket now. It says, “Please be patient, I blog about Funky Winkerbean.”

  17. William Epps

    It’s gotta be Wally (former Army, has a friend with a helo?)or Darin. Although Summer could work as well.
    Interesting that there are no eye holes to see from. I wonder how the monster walks around without those?

  18. Gerard Plourde

    “I’m just the unlucky soul to has to find a way to gut, skin, stuff, and mount that dumb, wet, overgrown rat into an something interesting to look at for a week.”

    A task that you do brilliantly. (Not to ignore the work of the other helmers of this blog who guide us through TomBa’s Inferno.)

  19. be ware of eve hill

    Suspect: Eric ‘Mooch’ Myers

    Motives:
    1). Nickname is “mooch” for a reason. Wants free pizza.
    2.) Resents that he has been written out of the strip and his two buddies, Mopey Pete and Darin, have had everything handed to them on a silver platter.

    Chance of Being the Pizza Monter:
    Near zero percent. Batty is not that imaginative and can milk this story for years if he never reveals the identity of the Pizza Monster

  20. be ware of eve hill

    Suspect: Barry Balderman

    Motives:
    1.) As an original ACT I character, Barry resents being written out the strip despite being the smartest student in the class.
    2.) Barry also resents being drawn as bald and unable to hire a decent band during the Class Reunion/Time Portal story arc.
    Barry: I know the word “bald” is in my last name but you didn’t have to make me bald! * sob *

    Chance of Being the Pizza Monter:
    Near zero percent. Batty is not that imaginative and can milk this story for years if he never reveals the identity of the Pizza Monster.

  21. be ware of eve hill

    Suspect: Mercedes ‘Sadie’ Summers

    Obeservation: The Pizza Monster has been drawn with dainty little feet which may point to the perpetrator being a female. Also, the misogynistic Mr. Monster story arc last year indicates the possibility of the Pizza Monster being a woman.

    Motives:
    1.) Sadie is a former employee who may have unresolved issues with Montoni’s management and may even have a key for the delivery door.
    2.) Regrets being banished to the ‘Dumb Character Phantom Zone (a place Batty mentioned in his blog).
    3.) Sadie wants revenge on Batiuk for referring to her as “one of the biggest mistakes I ever made in Funky Winkerbean”, and a pale imitation of her sister, Cindy.
    Sadie: I’m not a bad character. I’m a badly written character. Batiuk can’t write his way out of a paper bag. It’s his fault! * sob *

    Chance of Being the Pizza Monter:
    Zero percent. Batty is nowhere near this imaginative and can milk this story for years if he never reveals the identity of the Pizza Monster.

    • ComicBookHarriet

      These are BRILLIANT dossiers.

    • Y. Knott

      Be Ware Of Eve Hill? More like Be Wowed By Eve Hill! These are great!

      Check your mail for your payment for this outstanding job. (Sadly, we can only pay you in invisible Montoni’s Pizza coupons.)

  22. Perfect Tommy

    My guess is Madame Chang or whoever that lady was that owned the Jade Dragon. Motivated by years of repressed rage due to the monolithic business practices of Big Pizza, she strikes from a hidden base under the rubble of the long- disused post office. Using her crazy ninja skills, she easily penetrates the porous security around Montonis. “I’ll show that fat drunken bastard what quality but reasonably priced food is all about!”
    “I’ll show them all!”

    • billytheskink

      Lu Lin, Zang Li, and “Grandmother” owned the Jade Dragon. Could be any of them. Grandmother was some kind of baseball savant, as I recall.

      • Anonymous Sparrow

        You know, Batiuk is a *Flash* fan, and the Flash’s villains include Colonel Computron, who seemed to be one of the Nurblin family…either the father, the mother or the daughter, so…

  23. Banana Jr. 6000

    Suspect: Lisa Crawford Moore

    Observation: The Pizza Box Monster suggested in 2020 that they could be female. This realization was disproportionately shocking to “DSH” John Howard.

    Motives:
    1). Faked her own death when she realized Les was poisoning her; has long sought revenge
    2). Like any Westview resident, she can’t live without Montoni’s pizza, so she created this masked character as a way to have it once a year

    Chance of Being the Pizza Monster:
    Near zero percent. Batty is not that imaginative and can milk this story for years if he never reveals the identity of the Pizza Monster

  24. hitorque

    Meanwhile, Krankenschaaften ends this arc the only way we knew it could have ever possibly ended from day one… If there’s any justice in the world, he would have burned down his own home in the process…

    And motherfuck all these enablers who can’t stand Krankenschaaften’s reckless negligence which constantly endangers them all, but don’t ever tell him “NO” or even TRY to talk him out of his half-assed Beavis & Butthead ideas… And fuck the legal system for never holding him accountable for his actions…

  25. Suicide Squirrel

    Suspects: A coordinated team of unknown individuals.

    Observations:
    1.) The usage of a helicopter indicates the possibility of pooled resources. We can’t rule out military or government resources.
    2.) The unlocked delivery door and the absence of staff in the darkened kitchen hint at the presence of an ‘inside man’.
    3.) The acquisition of all those delivery boxes for the Pizza Box Monster costume also hints at an ‘inside man’.
    4.) The individual wearing the Pizza Box Monster costume may differ from year to year. Last year’s Pizza Box Monster may have been a woman.

    Possible Future Scenarios:
    1.) Funky chases the Pizza Box Monster out of the restaurant where another team Pizza Box Monster member is waiting in a getaway car.
    2.) The Pizza Box Monster is discovered to be a diversion and Montoni’s is robbed.
    3.) Imagine Funky chasing the Pizza Box Monster into the alley where he is confronted by two or more Pizza Box Monsters. * boom * mind blown.

    Motives:
    1). Funky’s increasing agitation. It’s fun messing with the fat man’s head.
    2.) Robbery.
    3.) Montoni’s staff getting revenge on Funky for unfair working conditions and/or low pay.
    4). Revenge on Montoni’s for their rancid cardboard pizza.
    5.) Revenge for the Great Westview Salmonella Outbreak of 2018.
    6.) It’s Halloween.

    Chance of Team Pizza Box Monster:
    Near zero percent. Despite this dossier being half-baked and hastily thrown together, it’s still way too complex for Batyuk-work.