And The Oscar For Best Cancer-Stricken Actress Starring In A Movie About Being Stricken With Cancer Goes To…

Link To Today’s Implausible Development

“I’d like to thank everyone, but especially Lisa Moore, whose untimely death made all this possible. Thank you, Lisa, wherever you are, for inspiring me and an entire generation of young women by, you know, dying and stuff. You like Lisa…you really, really like Lisa!”.

Oh brother. The last time we heard about “Lisa’s Story-The Movie”, Les was disinterestedly shrugging it off as yet another bothersome nuisance he didn’t have time to care about one way or the other. But, after overseas distribution and yadda yadda yadda, Les’ masterpiece is being dragged back into the spotlight yet again. Unlike Lisa, it just refuses to die and, just like Lisa, it just keeps coming back, over and over and over again. Sigh.

55 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

55 responses to “And The Oscar For Best Cancer-Stricken Actress Starring In A Movie About Being Stricken With Cancer Goes To…

  1. William Thompson

    “Up for an Oscar nomination”? Technically, isn’t every actor in a movie that meets the Motion Picture Academy’s criteria eligible to be nominated to appear on the Oscar ballot?

    • Green Luthor

      Was gonna say the same thing. Say “you’re nominated”, or “you’re up for the award”. “Up for a nomination” is utterly meaningless.

      Whether we should categorize this under “things Batiuk knows nothing about” or “phrases that Batiuk uses that no human being ever would” is open for debate, but I’m just gonna go ahead and say “both”.

    • Chester the Dog

      Yes!!!!

  2. bayoustu

    Poor Marianne really seems to have hit the skids: she appears to be living in Fred Flintstone’s old house in Bedrock…

  3. Why is Summer in the last panel?

    This has been the Academy’s go-to for several decades–the nominees are almost entirely people appearing in films you’ve never heard of, because while they received critical acclaim, they died at the box office. Not all the time, of course, but often enough to be a trend.

    In the 80’s, the joke was that if an actor wanted an Oscar nod, he had to play someone mentally or physically handicapped.

    • Epicus Doomus

      The fact that the woman who played Lisa in the cancer movie now looks exactly like Lisa’s daughter is sort of weird and creepy. BatHam laid way to heavy into that whole “delicate little waif” thing with Marianne.

      • Hitorque

        Well what else did you expect? Every woman aged 20-40 in the Funkyverse is either “Generic medium length flaxen blonde template #1” or “Generic short-length jet black template #2″… (Although somehow the matrix glitched and gave Walter Winkerbean a wholly undeserved fairly attractive and upgraded version 1.6 redhead)

        Oh and to streamline things even further let’s have a 100% sexually androgynous face template that works for both genders… And don’t give female characters *ANY* stylish clothing or lipstick or makeup, EVER! Not even the slightest hint of natural beauty because God forbid the current sexiest “it” girl in Hollywood actually look the part or whatever… You know, because it’s not like Southern California is some sort of shallow, image-conscious place where appearances and first impressions mean everything…

        Finally to complete “the look,” make sure your superstar A-list leading man with the Malibu beach mansion and garage full of hyperexotic cars wears nothing but generic bargain bin polo shirts and golf slacks even though he’s got the clout and Q-rating to demand nothing less than $20 million just to show up on the set…

        As a SOSF group project, I’d love to see a current “family reunion” grouping together all the “generic female Nos. 1-2” Funkyverse characters… For the #2 we’d have at the minimum Marianne Winterse, Rocky, Becky and Summer and that’s just off the top of my head?

        I mean FFS… As much as I detest the strip and refuse to read it, at least Judge Fucking Parker knows how to draw a credibly attractive woman (and I don’t mean going to the explicit extremes perverts like Brooke McEldowney are wont to do)… So does Mary Worth… Hell, even Mark Freaking Trail can pull it off…

        • Rusty Shackleford

          Yeah Toby looks like she is 22 and yet she still complains about her looks.

        • Charles

          I’ve been led to believe from evidence in the strip that Batiuk thinks that most attractive women look like Lisa. He really does seem to find the utilitarian short haircut to be appealing, because every woman we’re supposed to respect and like in the strip has some version of it, with Lisa and Summer being the most representative.

          And it’s pretty consistent that the shorter the hair the woman has, the more Batiuk respects her and likes her. Linda and Becky both have short hair, and while they’re both terrible in their own way, it’s not because Batiuk intends it. He does the same thing with the subsequent generations, comparing Jinx, the with-it/together high schooler with short hair, who was never the focus of “teens these days be so awful/stupid/worthless” to Rana, the vain, superficial cheerleader with long hair. (which she ditched for the hair-covering head scarf when she became “good”) Mallory was a self-absorbed bitch and she had long blonde hair. Alex and the anon-o-girls who’d show up from time to time had shorter hair and didn’t find Cody and Owen immediately repellent. Nowadays when he bothers to show the newest generation, it’s the Crankshaft twins who are both idiots, and Maris, who fills the vain bitch role but has short hair. I chalk that up to laziness more than anything, as it’s easier to draw a woman with short hair than long. After all, she’s still blonde.

          And when Cindy was playing the cliched hot, vapid, vain chick who wouldn’t date Les, she had long hair. She became more sympathetic later on as her hair got shorter and shorter. She’s not close to Lisa’s hair yet, but then again, she still has her vanity and her bitchiness, which we’re not really supposed to sympathize with. Mindy’s in a similar boat, although she’s an idiot rather than a bitch, but her being the vacant idiot Batiuk intended for her to be has certainly diminished as her hair got shorter.

          Looking at Batiuk’s work, he really does seem to think that women with long hair are suspect, that they may be hot, but there’s something wrong with them. They’re not “right” until their hair’s the right length. Not too short, of course, because then they’d be crazy or cancer-stricken.

        • Charles

          And Judge Parker may be able to depict attractive women, but holy shit is there no variety. They’re drawn all the same but the artist uses different palettes to differentiate them. Some of them have brown skin instead of white and some of them might have the black mid-back straight hair compared to blonde or brown or red mid-back straight hair. It’s so bad that there are plenty of days when I see the comic and the only way I can figure out who the characters are is from other contextual clues.

    • RudimentaryLathe?

      To be fair, people bitch and moan when commercially successful movies *do* win Oscars. I remember the griping over Forrest Gump, Titanic, Gladiator – and Marisa Tomei still gets dunked on for her win (as do comedy wins in general). The Oscars are essentially Hollywood’s prom night and God help you if you’re a Carrie White.

    • Hitorque

      As long as you don’t go “full retard”….

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      But this didn’t receive critical acclaim! There wasn’t a single “at least it’s getting good reviews” offhand line that would have justified even that setup.

      And watch how fast Les’ withering contempt vanishes when he finds out he”s going to get his ego stroked somehow. And gets to tell one of his incredibly dull “i used to buy things at the store for Lisa” book signing stories on global TV.

  4. RudimentaryLathe?

    *Sigh*
    I think we all knew this was coming, but the execution here is really annoying. AFAIK the Academy contacts Oscar nominees directly; and even if they don’t, most people in the industry watch the live nomination reading anyway, and even if they don’t do *that* they would have immediate access to the list because it’s all over the Internet. There is absolutely no way Marianne would be learning of her nomination like this.
    And I know I sound like a broken record but dear Lord what is the artwork in panel 3? Why does she look like Mopey Pete? Has Ayers ever seen a human woman under 30?

    • Charles

      And I know I sound like a broken record but dear Lord what is the artwork in panel 3?

      Don’t sleep on panel 1. She looks kind of like a cleaning lady who got a call on her cell in the middle of a job. At least she looks as though she combed her hair, unlike how she looks when she dresses up to go to a party.

      I also like the curtains in that little nook behind her. I thought it was a doorway but those curtains would be inexplicable if it was. Match those up with the nightstand and the sad little fake plant right by the front door and that’s certainly what the home of a superstar actress looks like. I bet Jennifer Lawrence buys her fixtures and knick knacks out of the remainder bin at Walmart for $3 apiece too.

      You know she’s still living with her mom in a little bungalow somewhere east of Hollywood.

      • Charles

        But yeah, if she didn’t have that little poofiness in her hair around her ears she’s look exactly like Summer Moore. What the hell.

      • RudimentaryLathe?

        An actress being unkempt in her own home I could believe. The rest, not so much 😋

        • Hitorque

          If Marianne Winterse is unkempt, it damn well better be because she was at the grandaddy of Hollywood Super Bowl after parties last night….

      • Hitorque

        It’s weird… Batiuk for whatever reason is still 100% incapable or unwilling to depict a 23-year-old A-list sexpot starlet as beautiful or glamorous, just how he’s incapable or unwilling to show Cindye as she truly is, which is a 57-year-old grandma…

        But of course I’m betting we’ll see Cindye this week again sunning herself by the pool in her signature black two-piece without a single wrinkle or sag or ounce of cellulite as always…

        • be ware of eve hill

          Cindy is a grandma? How many children, and who was the father? How many grandchildren?

          I’m actually curious because there are some significant gaps in my Funky Winkerbean readership.

          Was it retcon? Did Batty retcon Les into being a “love ’em and leave ’em” stud in high school? 🙄😠😩😧

          • Margaret

            Cindy was funky’s first wife. I cannot keep track of how many kids they had, but I think Wally is one of them.

          • Gerard Plourde

            Wally is either Funky’s cousin or nephew (I think TomBa has cast him as both).

            Cindy and Funky had no children and Masone is Cindy’s second marriage.

          • ComicBookHarriet

            Funky has no biological children, only Cory Winkerbean who is Holly’s son from a previous relationship.

            Tom loves ‘blended’ families that aren’t really blended at all. Rachel, Holly, Linda, Cayla, they all came with exactly one kid, and no ex/dad in sight.

            The only person from that generation allowed to be a grandparent is Lisa, via Darrrrin.

          • hitorque

            I could be wrong… I do know that several legacy characters have children (adopted or biological) that moved away and never, ever returned to Westview, and I just assumed Cindye was one of them.

            Regardless, she’s certainly *old* enough to be a grandmother…

          • be ware of eve hill

            Feedback. YaY!

            @Margaret
            That’s right. Cindy was married to Funky at one time. Cindy divorced Funky because she couldn’t tolerate his alcoholism. She became a news anchor, or something of the kind, in New York City until the network fired her for being “too old.” I’ve almost forgotten more Winkerbean trivia than I can remember.

            @Gerard Plourde
            There’s an entry with an accompanying sketch on the Batty blog that addresses the whole nephew/cousin issue. The alleged answer is cousins. I seem to recall there were a few comics mentioning Wally as Funky’s nephew, not cousin. I think it’s possible that Batty may have been caught with his pants down and retconned the entire nephew bit as being an inside joke due to their age difference.
            Psst. Batty lies.
            https://funkywinkerbean.com/wpblog/?s=wally

            Cindy has no kids? That makes sense. Someone as vain as Cindy would be concerned about her figure. Did Cindy ever show any romantic interest in Funky during the gag-a-day era of Act I? I’m drawing a blank.

            @ComicBookHarriet
            So true about the “blended families” and the deadbeat dads that never existed. It’s like Cory Winkerbean popped up from out of nowhere. Holly has a son? Where did Cory come from? Did he pop up from under a mushroom?
            Hello, prop department? Holly needs a son.

            One of my favorite characters was Jinx Bushka, because like me, she was an adoptee. I believe we last saw Jinx at Bull’s funeral, but she was inexplicably given no lines. Ditto, Mickey Lopez. Those lines were all given to a bitter Les and Cindy because… ? Ugh. Unconscionable. It’s like Batty has mastered the art of “How Not to Tell a Story.”

            One of my favorite FW questions is, “Whatever happened to Les’s parents? Did they drop him off in a basket at the fire station and flee the country?” Is it true that Les’s father was Satan himself? A carnival freak? Bigfoot? Is Les’s mother a hooker somewhere in L.A.?

            Darin? Whatever happened to Darin? Hermiting in Greenland? I half expect to see Darin’s face on a milk carton, “Have you seen me? How many days was Darin featured last year? You don’t have to check. I know it wasn’t too many.

            @hitorque
            That’s okay. There’s too much to remember! It sure would be nice if Batty drew a family tree. He mentioned creating a family tree in his blog a few years ago, but has never gotten the job done. Batty is much too busy doing… ?

            It’s true that so many offspring have disappeared. Crazy Harry’s daughter, Maddy Klinghorn? The aforementioned Jinx Bushka? Whatever happened to Wally Winkerbean Jr.? What is Rachel’s son’s name? Robbie? Billy? What was Cory’s fiancés name? How long have they been engaged? Five years? Keisha, call your mother, she misses you.

            Hands down, Batiuk wins the award as the laziest cartoonist. Stick that one in your trophy case, Tom.

        • Epicus Doomus

          If I’m not mistaken, Crazy Harry has three kids. There’s Maddie, but damned if I know who the other two are.

    • J.J. O'Malley

      Even assuming Masonne was reading to her from the no-longer-print-edition “Daily Variety,” that means the Oscar news would be at least a day old. None of Marianne’s friends or family (isn’t she supposed to be living with her mother?) would have texted, e-mailed, called, or–in Batiuk’s world–sent a telegram congratulating her in the prior 24 hours?

      This is…just pathetic.

    • be ware of eve hill

      Nah, Mopey Pete is shorter, has a bulb nose and saddlebag-sized eye bags.

      That being said, for a famous Hollywood starlet, Marianne is somewhat ordinary looking.

      Panel #3 shows the Batiuk trademarked air-sucking expression that his characters show when they’re astonished. Whooo-eeee!

  5. Sourbelly

    We all kind of saw this coming, right? There was no way one of Batdick’s top Gary Stu’s was going to fail.

    The disappointment I feel about the “Lisa’s Story” revival rivals that of Mary Worth’s Wilbur surviving certain death. Like, I knew it was coming, but I still wasn’t really prepared for it.

    Another victory trip around the bases for the Bearded Penis with Ears. I can’t stand it.

  6. billytheskink

    SICK PIX CHICK IN MIX

  7. spacemanspiff85

    I do just love that Marianne only finds out about her nomination because a man tells her about it. I wonder if they’ll let her go on stage when (there’s no if, of course she’ll win it) she wins the award, or attend the ceremony at all. Probably not, Mason can handle it for her.

  8. William Thompson

    Okay, Marianne got some sort of honor. How long before Creepy Les cashes in on it?

  9. erdmann

    Skipping ahead to March 27:
    Marianne: I’d like to thank the Academy, my fans, my mom and God, but most of all I want to thank the most important man in my life, Les Moore! His amazing book saved my career and my life! He’s the most incredible…
    Man in the audience: What a load! You wanna know about Les Moore? I can tell you all about him!
    Masonne: What? Who…?
    Les (Stricken as he recognizes the burley man making his way to the podium): Good Lord (choke)! It can’t be, but it is! It’s… Bull Bushka!!!
    (Marianne is literally shoved aside and is neither seen nor mentioned again for the remaining three weeks of the story arc.)

  10. The Dreamer

    For a film or any of its actors, to be eligible for Oscar consideration, the film has to have played at minimum in theaters the prior year for a week in NY and a week in L. A.. Didnt Lisa’s Story go strsight to streaming? It wouldn’t be eligible

    • I thought I’d read somewhere that the Academy changed the rules about that, but it’s a moot point. You’re not really expecting Tom Batiuk to play by the rules, are you?

    • hitorque

      Nah they released it through select indie “arthouse” theaters…

    • Don

      They got rid of the New York requirement (actually, it had to be in Manhattan) years ago, probably because the price of Manhattan real estate got to the point where there weren’t enough theaters left for every film to be able to do this.
      Also, because of the effect COVID-19 has had on theaters being opened, movies can also become eligible after being shown in any of these areas for 10 consecutive days: New York City (any of the boroughs), San Francisco (or any county that borders San Francisco), Chicago, Miami, or Atlanta. In addition, a movie that went to streaming first can still be eligible if it is submitted to the Academy within 60 days of streaming release and fulfills the theater requrement.

      Wait a minute…it was streamed first? This July, expect to see Mason reading another issue of Weekly Daily Variety (not to be confused with Entertainment Weekly Monthly), and making another phone call:
      “Guess what? Since streaming is considered television…you’re nominated for an Emmy!”
      “But don’t the Television Academy rules say that any movie suibmitted to the Motion Picture Academy viewing platform, or nominated for an Oscar, is ineligible for an Emmy?”
      “Sure, but the national high school football rules say that a mascot not wearing a visible helmet can’t enter the game, much less score the winning touchdown, but when do rules stop us from doing things?”

  11. MerryPookster

    Oh, it’s just an Oscar…. I thought Batyak might recon her to a Noble Prize

  12. Mr. A

    I honestly thought that Batiuk had run out of ways to beat this particular dead Lisa horse. I shouldn’t have doubted him.

  13. Professor Fate

    Late to the game but that hideous last panel makes more sense if the news was: “You have cancer again!” Can’t anybody here be pleasantly surprised?
    And oh dear lord. We ALL saw this coming from miles and miles away – it’s no less depressing and soul destroying for having finally arrived of course. My gut response to this is ” if the author doesn’t stop doing this he’s going to go blind”