Let us repeat the good news of Funky Winkerbean for all to hear! Again and again.
Especially let us study the early chapters of John.
The first few years of Horse Ass Head John appearances had me wondering if The Complete Funky Winkerbean volumes were as complete as advertised. Because John shows up sporadically every three or four months those first couple years, and yet he is treated as if he were always around and well established. I’m not skipping over much here, this is almost all there is from 1995 to 1998.
First he’s at Montoni’s to comment on Funky salvaging from the curb the McKenzie Sisters’ Tiffany Lamp.
Since he has his business next to Montoni’s, HAH John provides the necessary exposition for the post office bombing. This is his only appearance for the arc.
During Les and Lisa’s Halloween party wedding, he hands out appropriate attire for the bride and groom, though he doesn’t appear as one of the wedding guests.
Seems there are two places to find John, behind the counter at Komix Korner or, more often, sitting at the bar in Montoni’s. He provides another mouth and face to attach word balloons to. Like he’s been hired as the village bystander.
HAH John got to make fun of Les for an entire week! Lucky bastard.
Following the Montoni’s fire of 1997 HAH John moves his store upstairs. This opens his former storefront for the Jade Dragon Chinese Restaurant, Zhang Li, Liu Lin, and the very special episode about racism and immigration.
And here we start to see HAH John transition from an acquaintance who runs the shop down the street to being given the label of ‘friend’ by multiple varied characters. John and Crazy provide free labor to help him move shop.
And of course the siren song of ancient comics has them acting like massive man children.
Tony includes HAH John in his Thanksgiving dinner for 1997.
In February 1998, Les Moore holds a Fallen Star book signing at his comic shop. Wally Winkerbean is also hired on as plucky child tech support, though we don’t have many strips of him working there before his super awesome graduation/party/loveconfession/drunkencrash.
HAH John is one of the people Les thinks to ask when Bull Bushka offers Les a couple Cleveland Cavaliers tickets Bull won’t be able to use. (BECAUSE BULL THINKS OF LES AS A FRIEND EVEN THOUGH LES IS AN AWFUL PARASITE WHO WON’T EVER EVER LET BULL LIVE DOWN HIGH SCHOOL. I WILL NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT THIS AND I WILL NEVER NOT BE ANGRY.)
And HAH John joins in the Groucho Marx fun for Funky Winkerbean’s (and Funky Winkerbean‘s) 26th birthday.
It’s almost like, at this point, there are two HAH Johns. When in Montoni’s he is one of the guys. He’ll make a wise crack, but he doesn’t stand out as a sourpuss or anything. But in his shop, the place he should be happiest and most in his element, the joke is always at his expense and he’s a sardonic grump.
So there you have it, the origin of John Howard and his first few years. He just…shows up. It’s weird. In Act III when a new major character was introduced, it was either a new student or in the context of a plot. Cayla Williams, Mason Jarr, Ruby Lith, Chester Hagglemore. There is a clear moment for their debut, because usually at least one existing character is being introduced to the new stupid name and lumpy face.
But unless I’m missing something, HAH John and Komix Korner just appear without anyone commenting or drawing attention. Like he was always there, and we just hadn’t noticed yet. As if a camera is pulling back to reveal a hideous beast that was standing right behind everyone all along.
And through proximity alone, with no major plots or in depth conversations, by the end of 1998, he’s one of the guys.
Son of Stuck Funky 
Panels from yesterday’s Crankshaft, dialogue from the Crankshart of 11/14/22
Nice work! I like starting my week with a laugh.
This is a great parody. Merging Dinkle and Crankshaft (and seeing that it making very little difference) shows how creatively bankrupt the whole Funkyverse is. And Dinkshaft wearing his own merchis a great clever way of showing how desperate the Funkyverse is to foist itself upon you.
Love it!
Between HAH John providing the Batman and Robin costumes and Pete procuring a Xaxian minister for the DOUBLE STARBUCK WEDDING… comic book nerds have had a hand in putting together more weddings in this comic strip than they have in real life.
And who helps Pete get that minister?
Hahaha, that’s right!!!
No wonder DSH and Lefty’s wedding occurred during the time jump, it had to. DSH is the only wedding planner TB knows how to draw.
“Xaxian” was literally the only detail about the Starbuck Jones universe we ever got. They were the villains, apparently. We knew more about Buzz Lightyear two minutes after we met him.
And then after spending 20 years in high school, they graduated in 1972.
Timemop!
Enjoying the deep-diving! Always interesting to see that this comic feature was once occasionally funny. B-level funny, but funny.
I won’t ever criticize a roomful of Grouchos throwing out Groucho-esque puns.
John on the other hand: I’m amused that he moved his business upstairs while complaining that business has been lousy, but then in the next panel is happy that he won’t be bothered by customers.
I worked at age 21? 22? at a gas station across from a pizza place. A regular (an attractive woman, like a year older than me) would come in, sit on a display of washer fluid, smoke a cigarette (for it is in the early 80s that our story takes place), and we’d just joke and laugh. She was a recent divorcee, and her apartment above the pizza parlor across the street was all that she could afford. I asked her if she was hungry for pizza all the time.
She said “I’ll never eat pizza again! That’s all I can smell!” This is why she was hanging out in a gas station.
I once told her “Cigarettes are bad for you!” She said “I know, but it blocks the pizza smell.”
I went to her place once, and guess what 2 smells it had.
Ever see on Fleabay or Dongle or whatever, an item that was “kept in a smoke-free, pet-free home”?
Imagine a comic book store above a pizza parlor for decades. I don’t care if they’re in bags, NO ONE is going to buy something from a pepperoni-stench attic.
Imagine the Crazy Harry smell…
Today’s CS:
I WAS JOKING LAST WEEK! I didn’t want another week of “Lillian has the early 2000s described to her!”
She’s literally the only crabby old lady who doesn’t know what FACEBOOK is?! Who is she sending her Minions memes to?
(Rest of week: “What’s a…mime? French guys in boxes?”
Cutting edge, TomLord, cutting edge.
So now it’s a social media page. In three strips it’s gone from an inventory management system with wallpaper, to a blog, to a social media website. Tomorrow it’ll be a competitor to World of Warcraft. And your web designers are outside shoveling snow, even the website’s purpose is still being debated. Sure, why not? It’s probably a better use of their time.
This is what happens when you try to string a bunch of unrelated gags together and have no actual story. Nothing here feels real. Because it isn’t. It’s just a flimsy pretext for these ignorant, non-existent jokes.
For a guy who a considers himself gag writing beneath him, Tom Batiuk sure is terrible at writing gags.
The thing that’s frustrating is — as CBH’s deep dives show — he WAS at one point reasonably good at gag writing. Not brilliant, but reasonably good. But for whatever reason, the skill set has completely decayed.
Cognitive decline? Or a withering self-contempt for what was realistically his only (very minor) talent; a self-contempt that has become so strong, in fact, that he must pervert and destroy it by writing “gags” so weak it’s impossible for outside observers to think he ever had gag writing talent at all?
Meh. Maybe a little from column A, a little from column B.
Well in fairness, someone like Lillian would be hostile to anything new…just like Batty.
John appears to be another author insert. When John is not doing his job, he’s pleasant company….like Batiuk seems to be when he’s just hanging out. When he has to be what he’s paid to be, he turns into a grump…..like Batiuk or Les.
That’s an interesting thought. Maybe he enjoys drawing but since having a daily strip involves much more than that the process becomes onerous.
This might be why he let the carousel wind down when he did: he likes drawing but he hates being TOM FREAKING BATIUK because people expect too much of him.
Also, the ultimate thing is, as I said, when Lisa got to do some lawyering so we could see the US legal system pointed at Batiuk’s Mommy Issues.
Oh man, that was messed up. That’s when I knew for sure that Batty had big time mommy issues. Man all the mental baggage he is carrying after all these years. No wonder he thinking is so clouded.
And there’s no apparent reason for it. There’s no indication in Batiuk’s blog posts about his childhood that suggests it was anything other than normal and healthy. He was certainly never deterred from his extremely very narrow set of interests. I wonder if his mother ever suggested it was time to outgrow the comic books, and Batiuk has had issues about his mother ever since.
It is very odd. I remember Negative Cat telling Les in Hollywood, “Boy, did your mother do a number on you!” completely out of the blue.
I remember that too. I figured it was directly from Batty’s past.
My mother was the typical Jewish mother but I got rid of all that baggage years ago because as I grew up, I realized she only wanted me to be my best and do something meaningful with my life.
Batty was able to turn his passion into an incredible career, yet he’s so bitter and mopey about it all. Contrast that with Watterson or Schulz’s attitudes.
I think this is Batiuk “masking” again. He doesn’t really know what emotions are, but he can guess at a time and place to use them. He just never gets the feeling right. It sounds forced and unrealistic.
In this particular strip, Les has self-esteem issues, not mommy issues. These are not the same thing, or necessarily connected. It would have been on point for the cat to tell that. Or for someone to tell Bull Bushka he has daddy issues, because that was a huge part of his backstory.
It’s effective storytelling when a character tells you something you can see yourself. Batiuk never gets this right. He prefers to dictate from the writer’s chair. Frankie is bad because I say so. Les is good because I say so. Lisa is the center of the universe because I say so. He never builds characters or stories where any of this becomes believable.
Maybe she carved up a copy of “The Flash” with a butcher knife to make a point.
In the strip above with the Tiffany lamp, Skunky implies his mother threw out his comic book collection. (And “man forced to give up comics due to a woman” seems to be something of a recurring theme…)
Man grumbles about STOOOOOOOPID women witlessly agreeing with Doctor Wertham is up there too. How dare she be concerned about his well-being and want the best for him.
Thanks CBH for mentioning my favorite character: Adeela.
She encapsulates all the stupidity and tone-deafness of this strip into one lumpy body.
Did anyone happen to notice that the Flash issue Funky pulls out of the box in the 2/20/97 strip is the infamous #115 that rearranged TomBa’s molecules? Take a close look.
I will get to commenting on today’s class later. Right now, I am still stuck on the idea that Dinkle is so happy to be back to in-person PRACTICES, not in-person PERFORMANCES. Says something about why he’s a band/choir director. “Who needs an audience? This is all about ME ME ME wagging a stick at all these other people!”
Wow. Thank you for the deep dive, CBH. There’s so much about pre-DSH John Howard I have forgotten.
Ha, ha! “Horse Ass Head” John.
(throws hair ties, clips and scrunchies into the trash)😳
Aw… shit!. The Mt. Pleasant feature on GoComics is coming to an end.
I’ve been following the comic strip over most of its two-year run. I’ll miss you, Ella.
*sigh*
They’re all quitting. If there is no Tom, how can they go on? Next, it’ll be Schulz and Watterson.
But not 9CL and Luann! They still need to masturbate to drawings of teens.
Ugh. 9 Chickweed Lane and Luann. Yuck.
Those are two titles I’ll never follow again.
Brooke McEldowney is a pervert. Much like Funky Winkerbean, Luann fails create any likeable characters and features stories that go nowhere. Why can’t anybody set up snark websites for those two crappy comics?
Ever read the comments on the Luann page? They’d explode GC with the bolding!
I’ve only been reading Luann for maybe 2 years. 9CL I gave up on maybe 10 years ago. The arc where the teens had public sex on a piano in Europe one?
Brooke, if you’re seeing a therapist…Maybe get a new one?
I haven’t read either title in years.
The last 9CL I remember was some type of Pirates of Penzance crap that made no sense at all. I read BM’s other title Pibgorn for a short while. It seemed to be mostly about the bondage and torture of fairies. Sick!
I don’t remember what the last Luann strip I read was, but I remember wanting to reach into my screen to strangle Bernice. I suppose that doesn’t narrow it down too much. That could be any one of a thousand strips over the past several years.
There’s a market for a Luann-specific snark page. A number of people find the strip off-putting and unlikable, but it still has a legit fan base somehow, and gives you enough to talk about each day. And, Comics Curmudgeon doesn’t talk about it.
The problem with Luann appears to be that for some reason, Evansi like the idea that Luann is too stupid to learn from her mistakes and that Bernice cannot pull the stick out of her rear and that Tiff has to be a set way lest they not know how to write for them.
To be honest i once seriously considered such a thing. For me Luann hits a sweet snark spot similar to Funky and FBOFW, and i did annoy the faithful enough to get banned at Gocomics back when they were transitioning to college and providing lots of material. It has since settled into more of a take-it-or-leave-it vibe.
I decided the efforts involved would be frankly too much for me. Really made me think about how much TFH does here even when not posting constantly! Even if i just copied his layout and design it would take time that i don’t really have any more.
Still, it does look like a void is there and once you got going maybe it would be fun. Ofc what you really need is the commentariat—some hardcore snarkers, but also some of the long-suffering readers that really know deep background and have an encyclopedic knowledge of old strips.
Well, at least we’ll always have “Dilbert.”
Well said! As any NPC “human” who was born lifeless without a soul would say as a part of an automated subroutine!
(Yes, that’s a thing Mr A believes you are. Do you think he thinks he’s an NPC, or it’s just everyone but him?)
HOMER: “Let us never speak of the shortcut again.” And let us never speak of SA again.
Because, crimeny, I’d never stop talking. (turns to mule) “Ain’t thet right, Bessie?” Goes prospecting)
Off topic:
Commenters, if you’re like me–and I know I am–you may like MST3K.
I just came across a page of the Worst Movie of the Year. And it’s 90 years long! 1929 to 2019!
https://www.workandmoney.com/s/worst-movies-by-year-2a38a93314ac40ba
Short entries, but obviously a long read, given the timeframe. Lots of movies you never heard of; lots that you have heard of that made little money. There is at least one inaccuracy, about the…”movie,” we will call it for sake of argument, “Maniac.”
“As the fake mad scientist slowly goes mad, he takes the real (now dead) mad scientist’s cat, Satan, gouges out one of its eyes, eats it, and proclaims: ‘Why, it is not unlike an oyster or a grape, but the gleam is gone!'”
I avoided that movie for a decade. There was no CGI in 1935, so I assumed that this was a horrific depiction of animal abuse. Finally, I watched it.
SPOILER: It’s the funniest scene! I’m laughing just thinking about it. Crazy guy holds the cat. The cat is a young skinny all-black one. This movie is so cheap they didn’t bother to find a cat that would lay in the guy’s arms for 30 dang seconds. Pretty sure the scene ended when the cat squirmed away, maybe leaving some scratches. Then–the eye gouging! It’s a fat old orange tabby that had clearly lost an eye years ago, as the wound has healed. Crazy (Harry?) guy pulls away a grape from the general direction of the boy’s eye socket, and the kitty is like “Huh? Wha?”
Seriously, “black cat” to “orange chonk cat” in a minute is pure Batuikian continuity.
I’m working on a drawing to horrify CBH, and I just noticed something about the cover of “The Complete Funky Winkerbean Volume 10.”
Namely, Lisa’s portrait is flipped horizontally. So, quality control is up to its usual standards.
Something to horrify me?!?
SO EXCITED!
“Consarn ye, Bessie, my beloved mule! Why are you awakening me, a grizzled old prospector from 1848, from my tattered sleeping bag?”
“BRAY!”
“Yes! I was giving an exposition dump! Much like my fellow prospector–not grizzled, but hot and desired by multiple wimmen, his name was Tommy Ba–”
“HONK!”
“What? A group of time travelers just arrived from the distant year of [checks watch] 2023?, with their laptops, and all DIED?!”
“…neigh…”
“See, who’s doin’ the info dumps now? Let’s go look–TAAAAR-nation! They’re dead from…Oh, c’mon man. Dysentery? They ALWAYS die from dysentery! What was wrong with cholera? These kids today.”
(picks up laptop)
“MY parents turned the wrong way and were killed by a Grue…CRIMENY! It’s something I can’t read because, canonically, I’m illiterate.” (reaches for laptop; cat jumps on it)
CAT:”Meow!’
“What? Today’s…Crinkle-shift? Wyatt Burp, you are a naughty cat!”
(reads it)
(snores to death)
First: Great deep dive into the murky evolution of HAH/DSH John. I’m surprised he didn’t roar out of the gate, given that comic book store owners are certainly some of the most beloved and/or important figures in TB’s life.
Now, onto today’s Lilshaft, in which we learn that somehow, after having created capsule bios to pitch her novels to agents and publishers, and for publicity, promotion, and inclusion in the back of her books, somehow she has no idea what a “bio” is or what it should include.
Alternate interpretation: Generic Blonde #23 has no idea what a bio is or what it should include, but feels free to critique the work of a bestselling writer.
This all derives from my most hated Lilllian trait. Yes, worse than her destroying her own sister’s life. It’s her “oh, gee, little old me? Little old befuddled lady, me? Little old bestseller-writing, business-owning me? Why, these modern computing machines and internal-nets just confuse me so!”
It’s Batiuk showing off what he thinks is his personality. “Oh, look at me, I’m so humble and low-tech. This is what would I’d be like if I got the awards I deserved.” And of course Lillian is swimming in unearned awards, interviews, and recognition.
It’s time.
It’s time for P. Batty to do a deep dive into Lil’s website. It should include: A spinner rack. Above all things, a spinner rack.
It also needs links to Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. When you click these links, nothing should happen.
Lizard Lil also needs a Twitter account, into which she should insert some boilerplate promotional bumf for a couple days running, then ignore forevermore.
Sorry to keep dwelling on the end of Mt. Pleasant but here’s another observation.
Observation:
Mt. Pleasant was on GoComics for a mere two years and two months. Today, the comic strip’s creators thanked and demonstrated appreciation for their readers. Yesterday, they took the time in the comic strip’s comments to explain why the strip was leaving GoComics.
Contrast:
Funky Winkerbean was around for 50 years, 9 months, 5 days. Tom Batiuk decided to use the entire FW finale week as yet another opportunity to hawk his book(s). As far as Batiuk (a.k.a. tombatiuk.com/books) cared, anybody who didn’t buy his books could go pound salt. Batiuk told his version of the Funky Winkerbean end story in the news media. No contact at all with the common fan.
Looking out the window from your ivory tower, Tom, what color is the sky?
The last I’ll post about it. Promise.
🤬🤬🤬
It’s really sad that a quality new strip couldn’t catch on, but it makes sense. Newspapers are shrinking, and the people that still bother to read an actual newspaper want to see the same comics they saw 30 or 40 years ago. They’d rather have the comfort of a reprinted Peanuts or a photoshopped Family Circus, characters they’re already familiar with, than try to figure out something new. It’s just human nature, and a benign facet of it at that.
Even Pearls Before Swine is 20. And Get Fuzzy over and on repeats.
Did you read the comments in the Daily Cartoonist? Mount Pleasant had the official Will Henry seal of approval. 👍 If Wallace the Brave ends, I’ll quit reading comic strips.
At least the end of Mount Pleasant was a financial decision by the strip’s creators, and not an editorial decision by GoComics.
I’ve always read about how comic strip creators are “starving artists” and some leave to produce Childrens’ books and greeting cards (i.e. Terri Libenson, Norm Feuti and Rick Stromowski) because it is more lucrative.
Batiuk lives in a humongous home in the boonies. How did TB gain his fortune? It sure wasn’t book sales. You’re right though, how many people claimed to like Funky Winkerbean because they “Have read it for years.” 🙄
As you may have read in my comments, I’m a new GoComics subscriber. I over did it adding comics to “My Subscriptions” page. I’ve been meaning to cull the number of GoComic strips I read. I just didn’t count on losing one I liked.
Speaking of GoComics, an acquaintance of mine was mysteriously banned by GoComics too. She said she reacquired her account by deleting any comment that may have violated the comment policy and sent an email to the moderator asking for reinstatement. Her wish was granted. Have you tried this? I hate to witness someone with your skills silenced from commenting on GoComics.
I’ve thought about it, but I’d be worried I’d just get shadowbanned again for pointing out an art steal. Finding Cranky art steals is my new favorite hobby!
The commenting policy has a rule against talking about ‘trade secrets’. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone with my SOSF name over there too. Could I be micro notorious? I probably got blacklisted by the tiny grumpy cabal of syndicate editors. Or am I paranoid and/or egotistical? 100 people read this blog every post! We’re FAMOUS.
We love your art steal commentary!
Did you share your thoughts with TFHacket about not using his ‘Son of Stuck Funky’ account? Is that why I haven’t seen ‘Son of Stuck Funky’ comment on Crankshaft lately?
I don’t comment on GoComics comic strips often. I don’t read them until after dinner. At that point I’m too tired, and it is not worth bothering about. I read comments. I just don’t write any.
99 percent of my commenting history has been Batiuk related. Funky Winkerbeen in general and Crankshaft when it became too Lillian oriented.
I think the “comic strip creator as starving artist” thing is probably a recent development, tied into the general collapse of the print newspaper industry. It used to be that having a syndicated comic strip could earn one a significant income.
Batiuk came up during the time when comic strips could still be incredibly lucrative; as long as he didn’t throw away money needlessly, there’s no reason he couldn’t still have a sizeable nest egg.
(Or maybe when he gets low on cash, he just digs out an old comic book and sells it for a quajillionzillion dollars, as one does.) (Or he has his very own meth lab, I really don’t know.)
CBH, that famous Wally Wood dictum “never draw what you can copy” has been practiced by cartoonists probably since the very beginning (though perhaps not quite as transparently). It’s certainly no trade secret!
I think it’s your snarktoriety catching up with you. And also the ban-happy mods pretty much everywhere on the whole web. Except here.
CBH, I remember how I reacted when I read your name over at the Comics Curmudgeon. I know her! She’s a friend from
workSon of Stuck Funky! *pride*🦚Here’s a highly unlikely scenario that can’t be completely ruled out. Tom Batiuk submitted a list of names for the GoComics moderator to be on the lookout for. Kind of like a terrorist watchlist.
You are famous! I can’t even get my co-workers to read my memos and I’m the boss.
Green Luthor, that’s a good point. I’m sure the loss of revenue from the general collapse of the print newspaper industry is a major reason for the lack of compensation.
I think another reason is the overabundance of freeloaders who are too cheap to subscribe to comic strip websites. It’s $19.99 per year. That’s less than 6¢ a day, people! Help support a starving artist. Hell, I’ve spent $20 for a box of mediocre wine that sure as hell didn’t last an entire year.
Sorry. I’m still in mourning over the loss of my silly little comic strip, now completely removed from GoComics. 😭
Tom Batiuk, meth dealer. Hmmm. Could be. Over the years, I’ve awarded Batiuk several Golden Crackpipe Awards for his unusual viewpoints. Is it possible Batiuk is “getting high on his own supply”?
In a somewhat related newspaper note, I’m a little saddened to discover that the little town newspaper for the city where I grew up is ceasing publication at the end of this month. Bummer. 😥
This makes me wonder why Lynn Johnston bothers pretending her strip is happening in the present day when it would be easier and more reassuring to have Classic FBorFW. Jan Eliot isn’t doing that. Cathy Guisewite isn’t doing that.
I agree. Why not just rerun FBOFW? Elly’s birth year was changed to 1979 last week. That rubs me the wrong way. There’s no way I’m older than Elly Patterson. 😂
If Lynn Johnston is only going to change dates and delete elements that date the strip, why bother?
The decision to rerun as present-day sure was a unique choice. Someone suggested it was to take some potshots at John, who is based on her now-divorced husband. I haven’t really noticed any evidence of that.
A bit of a bizarre situation with the Stone Soup comics on GoComics. Stone Soup Classics is running strips from 2003. Stone Soup is rerunning Sunday strips from 2000. 🤔
She wants to make the money a person actually doing a strip gets without doing a strip. People who do classic whatever don’t make the same, you see.
I did not know that. Those crafty Canucks.