Three days. Three days separated these two strips. Last Friday, Montoni’s was closed, because a “Crankshaft sets things on fire” joke needed it to be closed. Today, Montoni’s is open, because it’s time for Pete and Mindy to get married. And because Pete is such a cheap, lazy schlub he wouldn’t dare go anywhere else. You’d think the writer of a multi-billion dollar movie franchise might do something a little special for a wedding proposal. Like Carrabba’s, in Westlake. Is he going to give her salad dressing too?
In the second panel of today’s strip, Mindy says she “overheard him speaking with someone at work about a proposal.” If Mindy were capable of reacting to stimuli, she should find that scenario unsettling.
Mindy and Pete work together. The only other people at work are his best friend, and two ancient comic book writers. And she caught him running his marriage proposal by one of them first? Ouch. And she’s thrilled he’s taking her to Montoni’s? How is that different from any other night in Westview? Is that even an improvement over the engagement tiger? She’s not worried he’s going to screw up again, in light of what she already knows about his plans?
More importantly, aren’t they already engaged? Mindy basically decided this herself, after Pete’s failure to launch at the state fair. He announced he was “planning to propose” that night, didn’t propose, and limply gave her a stuffed animal instead. Which she promptly accepted and showed off to her comatose grandfather Ed Crankshaft, as if it guaranteed her place in the British royal family.
They’ve been engaged for four years, but she’s also called Pete “boyfriend” more recently than that, suggesting a weakening of the relationship during that time. There’s also the possibility this is just setting up another wacky misunderstanding, like when Darin used the word “seeing” and Jessica spent a week thinking he was having an affair. Maybe it’s a business proposal? Though that would also be out of continuity, since the refusal to do any actual business is a defining trait of Atomik Komix.
So there are a lot of story points that seem to exist in different states. Montoni’s being open or closed. Pete and Mindy being engaged or not. Crankshaft’s physical condition. And I know what you’re all thinking: nudge! Yeah, but that explanation sucks. I have a new theory that’s more fun.
Schrodinger’s Continuity
In the famous “Schrodinger’s cat” thought experiment, a cat was kept in a sealed box with a vial of poison and a quantum event that may or may not occur. The quantum event releases the poison, killing the cat. Since we can’t know if this event has happened, the cat can be thought of as simultaneously dead and alive, until we open the box and observe its state.
Continuity in the Funkyverse is a lot like that. It exists in an unknown state, its outcome influenced by events we cannot comprehend. Montoni’s is simultaneously open and closed. Pete and Mindy are simultaneously engaged and not engaged. Ed Crankshaft is simultaneously comatose and active. Lisa is simultaneously dead and able to call in bomb threats. The main character’s ages can be almost anything, even though we’ve seen a 50-year anniversary and other events that precisely date them.
Our mistake is that we’ve been looking for long-term consistency in “the only comic strip where characters age realistically.” Everything goes in to Batiuk’s Box, where all story points are in all possible states simultaneously. He’ll pull out of the box whatever he needs for a story. And unlike Schrodinger’s cat, Montoni’s can alternate between dead and alive. Today it needs to be alive; last week it didn’t. See you next time, when Montoni’s will be closed again.
UPDATE OCTOBER 24: Holy freaking cow, I don’t even know where to begin with today’s strip. Let’s just list all the examples of Schrodinger’s Continuity:
- “You knew that Montoni’s was closed?” Ummm… you didn’t? This isn’t news, Mindy. Try to keep up.
- Again, yesterday’s comic strip showed Pam and Mindy talking about Montoni’s as if it were open. Montoni’s isn’t the victim in a murder mystery; its existence is a basic fact we need to know to understand the story. So this isn’t a plot twist, a red herring, or a misdirection – it’s just bad writing.
- Pam had just been reminded that Montoni’s was closed, all of three days before. She’s watching what Crankshaft says in the panel above, about Montoni’s being closed. It was a plot point.
- Did Pete and Mindy go to Montoni’s in separate cars? Their body language in Panel 1 suggests a lack of familiarity, more appropriate for a first date or a school dance, not for people who’ve been on trips together and talked about marriage. This happens a lot in the Funkyverse. Couples who’ve supposedly been married for years, like Becky and John Howard or Dinkle and Harriet, are oddly unfamiliar with each other.
- “The comic book business isn’t going to be enough to support us!” Who are you, and what have you done with Pete Roberts? The comic book business has been fine to them for decades! Just off the top of my head: Pete’s the highest-paid writer in comic books, despite living in affordable Cleveland rather than expensive New York or Los Angeles. He wrote Starbuck Jones, this world’s answer to Star Wars. He had enough industry clout to get his two friends put into the Hall of Fame. He got Mindy a nepotism job in the comic book business. He routinely spends gobs of money on comic book junk. The idea of Pete suddenly wanting to grow up contradicts 20 years of Funky Winkerbean strips.
- “…if we want to get married and have kids!” Okay, a little out of nowhere, but I don’t blame Pete for it because…
- “Married? Kids?” Mindy, where you get off being shocked at the word “married”? You were just bragging that he was going to propose to you! So obnoxiously that you earned the tag “backpfeifengesicht” for this post. Look at Panel 3 of the October 23 strip. That’s a face in need of a slap, if ever I saw one.
- There’s a long-standing problem with Mindy’s relationship that she keeps overlooking: Pete never proposed to her. He said he was going to, but he didn’t, and he never did later. Her response was to frog-march him to Crankshaft’s assisted living hovel, and show off her “engagement tiger.” A concept Ed understood, somehow. Since then, she’s been acting like she’s engaged. Except when Batiuk’s Box needs them to not be engaged, or when he just forgets.
You could interpret this whole story as Mindy assuming they were engaged when they actually never have been. She accepted his non-proposal, and showed off his wedding non-ring. There was a famous Simpsons episode along these lines. High school Homer gets a vague prom date from Marge, then skips school for two weeks so she can’t tell him he only heard what he wanted to hear. She went to prom with Artie Ziff instead, but of course Homer ended up winning her heart.
Which opens up a realm of interesting story possibilities. Maybe Pete wants to break up with Mindy. Maybe he chose the closed Montoni’s as the most tasteful, symbolic place to end things. (He is a writer, after all.) Maybe Pete has realized he’s been doing what everyone else in Westview does: silently accepting whatever misfortune life hands you. He was ashamed of his failure at the fair, and soured on the whole idea of marriage. Only now has he worked up the courage to tell Mindy. He wants to do what Lisa and Cayla and The Eliminator and Barry Balderman and Coach Jack Stropp never could: stand up for themselves, and “flip the script.” Maybe Summer’s book inspired him.
We won’t get any of that, though. Pete will probably announce his plans to take over Montoni’s. Which will give us even more examples of Schrodinger’s Continuity.
Son of Stuck Funky 
Fear not! Timemop explains everything!
Seeing RePete and Minty makes me miss Dinkle. There, I said it.
The sad thing is: The joke 3 days ago did not require Montoni’s to be closed. Crankshaft could have said, “That new pizza we tried is a lot greasier than our usual Montoni’s.”
It’s like TB purposely creates opportunities to force discontinuity.
Wanting to have his cake and eat it too is called writing. He should have stuck to writing a strip where continuity didn’t matter if he didn’t want to get called out on being inconsistent.
I don’t want to rehash my rant on today’s Crank that’s in the previous column, but it just amazes me that the professional cartoonist with 50 years-plus of experience, a documented habit of writing his strips up to a year in advance, and a well-known love of Silver Age comic books and their attendant continuity can be so cavalier with his own self-created realm.
What purpose does it serve to bring back Montoni’s? Does Baituk think so little of his regular readers (the non-snarky kind) that he assumes they can’t remember FW storylines from 12 months ago? Can he not pick some other locale (a Fall church carnival, the Valentine theatre during a “Starbuck Jones” marathon, the closest Dale Evans) for this romcom-style misunderstanding to take place? And if it’s not going to be a mishearing of whatever “proposal” Mopey was talking about, why telegraph that’s where you’re going in a style that was cliched in the days of “I Married Joan” and “My Little Margie” (Dear Lord, how old am I?)?
At this rate I expect November will feature Pmm opening the front door to reveal a two-armed Becky selling band turkeys, which Ed will try to barbecue and set the Village Booksmith ablaze (The Burnings), and surprise guest Lisa will defend him in court.
The readers who followed both FW and CS can, for the most part, recall the events of the past few years and wonder why they’re being tossed out the window, and those folk who like ‘Shaft for its curmudgeonly title character’s antics (and I know they’re out there; they’re always telling me to take a hike on GoComics) will probably have no interest in the Atomik Komix shenanigans. Who is TB writing for at this point?
Himself and no one else. He doesn’t bully himself by pointing out mistakes.
What purpose does it serve to bring back Montoni’s?
What purpose did it serve to close it in the first place? No stories grew from that. It had zero impact on anyone, even though it was the town’s social center and #1 employer. And Montoni’s was re-opened just as abruptly, so they could have new cars to drive to Dinkle’s Christmas Messiah. Batiuk should have just left it open.
If Mopey Pete and Windy Mindy are getting married, Monotoni’s simply has to be open. Either to hold the ceremony or to provide the food. It’s a Batiukverse rule.
We welcome you to the Marriage of Mindy Murdoch & Pete Roberts or Reynolds (you can take your pick). Sponsored by Montoni’s.*
*Pam and Jeff can’t afford to pay for their daughter’s wedding due to the costly shenanigans of Ed Crankshaft. Despite this, I’ll bet my bottom dollar that Ed will be the one giving the bride away.
You know, I’m all for quirky/ultra-cheap/highly personal proposals and weddings, the kind that look bizarre to anyone outside the relationship. I had that kind of proposal and wedding, and we’re celebrating our 30th anniversary this year.
The thing is: If everyone has the same “quirky” location for their romantic milestones, it ceases to be quirky and becomes a sort of rule of the world the author’s created. Which would be fine, but it can’t be “adorably quirky” and “the expected status quo” at the same time.
And we all know this is going to be another comic book-themed wedding in the Funkyverse. I’m betting that comic book covers will be heavily involved. Imagine wedding invitations in the style of a comic book cover. Or Pete’s proposal being one.
But then Crankshaft is at risk of fucking up the entire wedding because he loves using his grill
Ed Crankshaft: (with a match) Here goes nothin’.
Darin Fairgood: ED NO!!
(causes a explosion that knocks Crankshaft into a pile of spikes, impaling and killing him)
Pete Reynolds: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
Eric “Mooch” Myers: Let’s go to St. Spires so we can have the wedding there.
By the way, the trufans are all making the same complaints we are today.
Oh, and regarding Panel One of today’s CS: When I first saw it, I was thinking “Wait, Pete is having a pizza date with one of the Grady Twins? Is this all a set-up with Chris Hansen and ‘Dateline,’ and they re-opened Montoni’s for their sting operation?”
Maybe the reason Pete and Mindy are meeting at Montoni’s about a “proposal” is that it is currently closed and Pete is “proposing” to reopen it with Mindy by his side.
After all, Pete is pretty much the only cast member who did not work at Montoni’s at some point so maybe it’s an unrealized dream of his or something (he even begged Tony for a job in late Act II, but Tony cut Komix Korner a break on rent so it stay open and keep Pete employed there instead).
And Mindy could probably be down for reopening Montoni’s too. She worked there when she was in high school, plus her brother is reopening the Valentine theater so reopening failed businesses may be a Murdoch family rite of passage. In 20 years maybe we’ll get to see Mitch try to get his girlfriend to help him reopen the local Woolworth’s…
I feel that even this is giving TB too much credit, though. Kudos will be given if he does pull this off. (he won’t)
I am thinking the same. It was dumb to close Montoni’s and even dumber to have them reopen it, so this is what I expect Batty to do.
The only thing dumber on the comics page is Mary Worth. The current story running there is totally unbelievable.
Wouldn’t Pmm have remembered that Montoni’s is closed?
“Makes total sense, Moldy! What Centervillian doesn’t constantly drive to Westview to break into closed businesses and propose marriage in the dark, cold, dust-covered remains, under the gaping hole in the ceiling where the lamp used to be before the auctioneer sold everything off down to the fixtures themselves?
Have a good time, dear!”
Jeff: Montoni’s no longer open.
Pam: THEY CLOSED MONTONI’S!?
Crank: It closed 11 moths ago.
Pam: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Jeff and Ed: (sigh)
“In 20 years maybe we’ll get to see Mitch try to get his girlfriend to help him reopen the local Woolworth’s…”
Nah, it would have to be the Rexall
“In 20 years maybe we’ll get to see Mitch try to get his girlfriend to help him reopen the local Woolworth’s…”
Nah, it would. be the Rexall
Sorry for the double post
Circle the bases, billytheskink. You sure nailed that hanging curveball. I swung and missed.
Alas, I said I’d give TB kudos if he actually did what I guessed.
So kudos, Mr. Batiuk… with all the caveats that you brought up, BJ6K.
Honestly this story premise has me thrilled at the prospect that Montoni can’t be stopped, that its persisting despite the alleged closure. Knew that those snow tires meant something.
Though if somehow this is all one big oversight and later on we hear about it being closed or some sudden leg-pull that it reopened or its one of the unmentioned other locations in Ohio, that’s extra fuel for the fire anyways.
I think a leg-pull is unlikely, because Tom Batiuk thinks Timemop solved all his continuity problems. “It’s an elegant solution!”
So I’m not sure which way it will go. On one hand, it’s the kind of story Batiuk loves to tell: the comic book geek gets the girl because Batiuk thinks that’s how the world should work. He could also spend a week teasing a story that looks like it’s going to tie up a loose end, but stops cold with on Saturday with ‘fare thee well!’ or some equally stupid pun.
“In his house at R’lyeh-view dead Montoni waits dreaming…”
Our mistake is that we’ve been looking for long-term consistency in “the only comic strip where characters age realistically.”
Oh my, yes. Tom Batiuk doesn’t have the desire, interest or brainpower to remember fiddly continuity details. His mind can hold a limited number of ‘facts’ about his created universe: Lisa died tragically; Ed blows things up; Harry is the World’s Greatest Music Director. Maybe a few more. But that’s it.
Continuity? He doesn’t understand continuity. Cause and effect are mysteries to Tom Batiuk. This is a gormless dimwit who thinks Charles Schulz spent twenty years working on his characters to pay off a single joke. A stunted manchild who doesn’t realize that comic books are more than just covers. A feckless doofus who thinks that by turning off the comment feature, all criticism suddenly ceases.
“Schrodinger’s Continuity” describes the approach, all right … except the creature inside the box might or might not be a cat. And whatever the creature is, Tom might not have remembered to put it in the box in the first place.
Or the poison.
In fact, the box, if it’s airtight and well-protected from light, dust, and weather extremes, might be a good place to store comic books …
It’s like he knows continuity is a good thing, and wants it in his comic, but has no idea what continuity is or how to maintain it. So he just goes on the P.R. offensive, planting quotes like that “the only comic strip where characters age realistically” nonsense. Which wouldn’t even be true even if it was true.
The man missed his calling in life. He would have been great in politics. Not as a candidate, but as a press flack. He has a talent for getting positive press coverage and “staying on message”, while never actually saying anything. And he’s completely unhindered by ethics or reality.
Y. Knott:
If it’s not a cat, could it be a rough beast slouching towards Bethlehem, its hour round at last?
La la la becomes za za za…
And Redwing isn’t paying attention to Sam Wilson.
Tony and Funky decide to retire. Wally makes an offer, but he’s short. Adeela pitches in. Then Cory comes along, sells some priceless comic books, and they buy out Tony and Funky, thus keeping Montoni’s alive. Plus, five characters get a bit of resolution as the strip winds down.
That’s a three or four week arc right there, one that anyone could have written with minimal effort or fuss. But, Tom being Tom, he opted to do a cornball Sunday auction instead, which resolved nothing. And now, apparently, Montoni’s still exists anyhow, rendering the whole thing completely pointless.
Is it just me, or would Tom’s map of the world have:
Northern rust belt Ohio, cultural heartland of All That Is Good, with its capitol city of Immortal Montoni’s;
And HOLLYWOODLAND! Pico and Supelvada, where nobody’s dreams come true! (and also free Oscars!! And Death Chimps and Kill Fees);
And the smouldering ruins of Stockholm, where they were smited by G*D because Tom thinks that’s where the Pulitzers come from?
And nothing else on the world map besides “HERE BE DRAGONS”?
No, serious question here. I can’t remember anything but Ohio and Hollywood as locations. Don’t say “Ohiano Music Fyre Festival” or Bryce Canyon or the Rose Bowl. They’re all in those 2 places.
I’m sure somebody went to a crazy foreign place like Hamilton, Canada, in the 50 years this plantar’s wart has been growing. I’ve been reading this online for 20 years, and I can’t come up with another.
“TAR PITS!!”
Oh, lord. You missed all the NYC arcs, then. They are so weird in tone. It’s so obvious that TB/Les is the most touristy tourist who ever set foot in Manhattan, and yet somehow he fancies himself a worldly sophisticate, one of the literati, part of the heartbeat of the city. Yet it’s clear he doesn’t know the city — geographically or culturally — at all.
He is a big Woody Allen fan, and I don’t think he gets the idea that in virtually every Allen film that depicts Manhattan “sophisticates,” Allen is the outsider, the Brooklyn Jew who doesn’t fit and doesn’t even want to on some level, as he despises the pseuds and despises himself for wanting to mix with them. I think he just sees Upper East Side apartments and cocktail talk, and thinks, “I’m just like them! Effortlessly sophisticated and literate!”
I’d say the whole worldview is touchingly naïve, but in a 75-year-old man who is so smugly self-congratulatory about his sojourns into the publishing world of NYC, it’s not charming — it’s pathetic.
That comment came across a little snobbish, I think. I need to clarify that there’s nothing wrong with tourists. I myself am a tourist every time I leave home. I’m even a tourist in other neighborhoods. “Tourist” is in no way a dirty word. There’s something wrong, though, with people who aren’t curious when they travel, who go places just for self-aggrandizement, who think they know it all already and so are incapable of observing or absorbing the local culture.
Again, it’s a weird tonal thing, the same odd paradox he shows when the setting is Hollywood. It’s an off-putting message:
“See how perfectly I fit in here? I’m practically a local. You’d never be able to tell me from (a literary sophisticate/a Hollywood macher)! I know all the local secret haunts, like (Ellen’s Stardust Diner/Chateau Marmont). You know, places that poor lowly tourists never would have heard of. Oh, ta-ta now, my (agent/producer) is calling again! Oh, why can’t they leave me alone to focus on my ART?”
I was trying to think of places that Tom would send his characters. My first thoughts were “NYC? Paris? Nah, COLUMBUS is good enough!” And, then…
Wait…didn’t Funky Pitstainer try to open a Montoni’s in Manhattan? NO, who’d be that dumb to think people would believe that!
“Oh, right.”
New York City was already mentioned, and of course, San Diego is a place, though it likely ceases to exist when ComicCon isn’t happening. And there’s Mt. Kilimanjaro, but that might be in Ohio as well in the Funkyverse, I’m not sure. And wasn’t Les going to take Cayla to see the sweatshops in China where they print Lisa’s Story or something like that? Oh, and Iraq and Afghanistan exist, too, since the Viet Cong have to take hostages somewhere.
The never-existing China trip was a real missed opportunity for TB to show us just how expert he is in Chinese culture too.
Really, we all know what happened: He talked to his accountant and the accountant said that NYC and LA could conceivably be written off as business trips, but there was no way he’d be able to write off China.
Interestingly, when he was running his “Look at me, a real movie guy over here” arc, I found all the reference photos he used on the first pages of Google Images searches. And I mean these were really obviously the exact photos Ayers used for reference. At the time, I remember the commenter Justified bitterly saying that someone should report TB to the IRS!
Oh, man, did we dodge a bullet when his trip to China got turned down. We could be at war with them right now if he had gone.
Batiuk probably just lost interest in the idea, like he has for so many other plot points. But if that’s not it, I have a conspiracy theory: I wonder if somebody higher up the food chain didn’t like that storyline. The publisher of Lisa’s Story in the comic strip was explicitly stated to be KSU Press. The idea that an American university press outsources its manufacturing to Hong Kong might have rubbed somebody the wrong way, either at Kent State or at his publishing syndicate.
As for the tax write-offs; there’s almost zero possibility he’d ever be prosecuted for that. IRS enforcement is really only going after the hardcore cheats, like Wesley Snipes was. (And even that was largely about nailing the promoters of the scheme he used.) The mere funding of IRS hires has been a political issue. Finally, Batiuk is 76, and will probably die of natural causes long before any enforcement case goes anywhere. They take a loooooooong time.
GL
Mt. Kilimanjaro may be in Ohio…remember how Les was able to ask whether Funky had named his car after George Orwell’s Snowball when he was supposed to be in Kenya, climbing and making a poor guide wish his name wasn’t Livingston?
If it were in Africa, he couldn’t have done that.
It was Henry Morton Stanley who said “Dr. Livingstone, I presume”; if the Kenyan guide had been named Stanley, it would have just as bad:
“Face front, True Believer! Mighty Marvel is on the move again!”
Keep the aspidistra flying, everyone!
🎵 I know that I must do what’s right
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus o’er the
Akron Soap Company
Thumbs up, bill, for the clip from one of the greatest movie musicals of the 1980s, “Forbidden Zone.”
Map of the Funkyverse:
Well, that didn’t work.
That probably won’t work, either, but let’s give it a shot. If not, moderators, you can just delete these two posts…
It worked. As long as the URL ends in .PNG .GIF or .JPG the post will display the image. I just wonder why Florida still gets to be a state in this paradigm.
I just wonder why Florida still gets to be a state in this paradigm
To make Ohio look better by comparison.
It’s where Tony and (I think) Holly’s mother now live
Holy Damn-it Christmas. He made Mindy out to be out to lunch about everything so he could make Mopey Pete Of The Variable Surname into the new incompetent idiot pizza joint owner.
But what about Pmm? She had to know Montoni’s was closed because the family ate some new, inferior pizza that caused a fireplace conflagration. Even if she wasn’t the one who ordered it, she would have been the one who served it, because that’s what moms/wives do in Batiukland.
So she just let Minty toddle off to a closed restaurant, full of hopes, without saying a word? Cold, Pmm. Cold.
This is Pam’s way of telling Mindy what Pete is planning.
Quantum Superpositioning: All Funkyverse continuities exist and DON’T exist at the same time. Is Montoni’s Open/Closed? No/Yes. Are they already engaged? No/Yes. Does Pete look like Droopy Dog after a ten day quaalude bender, and about to trip over his own eyebags? No/HELL YES. Oh, so the “proposal” was for them to buy Montoni’s (slogan: “Best Pizza You Spit Out After One Bite!”) and something something Lisa’s Story.
Jesus H. Christ.
I think you’re all missing the point. The point is not to reopen Montoni’s, but to reopen Montoni’s without Funky.
It’s been clear for years that Batiuk absolutely hates Funky, and probably blames his stupid name for keeping the awards away. Reopening Montoni’s allows him to cast Funky into the garbage.
Fine, but isn’t there a better choice than Stinky Pete? Like, any of the 50 cast members who’ve actually worked at Montoni’s, or the dozen or so who lost their jobs when it ended? None of whom already have a lucrative writing career lined up?
ED mentioned Wally. He’d be a great choice. He’s a family member, has worked there, got a decade of back pay from being a POW, and needs something positive to do with his time. Of course, if Funky auctioned off everything down to Lillian’s tiffany lamp, there’s nothing of Montoni’s for him to sell or give to anyone anyway.
None of the others write comic books, so they are therefor not worthy of consideration.
Wally doesn’t ‘work’ because he isn’t a ‘Crankshaft’ character. It’s stupid af, but I think it’s really the reason.
Every FW character that has appeared so far in CS this year has had some kind of mainline CS character to lead them in. Jff and Lil going to the Komix store, Masone and Cindy funding Max and Hannah running The Valentine, Mindy leading in Mopey Pete for Comic Con stupidity.
Batiuk has decided he can’t have a purely FW character running Montoni’s, there must be a connection to the main Crankshaft cast. So Mindy and Pete are going to buy a failure of a restaurant that they’ve never shown any interest in running before.
Yeah, that sounds like another pointless “Rule of Cartooning” Batiuk would follow to the letter. He contrives reasons to shove Les and Mason Jarre into Crankshaft, but he can’t let Wally get a much-deserved break. Not since Henry Bemis has life dunked so hard on a decent, likeable character.
More proof (as if any was needed) that Tom Batiuk is the worst, least imaginative writer who’s ever lived. Why would Pete, a wildly successful comic book superstar, buy a ramshackle pizzeria? He wouldn’t, of course. He could have stepped in as a “surprise investor” or something, but shit like that is just too complicated and involved for BatYam to tackle. He just doesn’t care if it makes any sense or not, which not only demonstrates what a lousy writer he is, but also demonstrates just how little he cares about his loyal readers. Both of them.
Because “the comic book industry is circling the drain”, a plot point Batiuk made up, and completely contradicts how this world operates. It might be true in real life, but since when did that matter?
If comic books suddenly had no value, it would ruin more lives than the closure of Montoni’s should have. (I realize that the market for new books and collector value for old books aren’t the same thing. But it stands to reason that they’re connected, since they’re both driven by fan interest in the medium.)
If the comic book industry dies, the Funkyverse would turn into rural West Virginia overnight. Comic books are practically currency in this burg. Off the top of my head: Pete, Mindy, Darrin, Phil Holt, Flash Freeman, Chester Hagglemore, Kitsch Swoon, John Howard, and Crazy Harry would all be out of a job. Plus everyone who depends on their income: Becky, Jessica, Skyler, Funky and his family (presumably still getting rent from Komix Korner) and the rest of the Dibbs Gallery. Plus downstream economic losses, like no more expensive trips to San Diego Comic-Con or the Flash Museum. And it’s heavily implied that comic books are the preferred store of value, so everyone loses their savings/investments/retirement plan/rainy day fund. All those Gem Mint Amazing Stories #15people stumbled into would be worthless.
To say nothing of the social function they serve. Comic books are the opiate of these particular masses. Comic books drive human interaction more than anything else in the Funkyverse. Comic books are a source of entertainment and escapism from an otherwise bleak existence. It would be like banning football in Texas. There would be civil unrest. People would need counseling and rehab centers to deal with the loss. Drugs, crime, prostitution, delinquency, and other social ills would become rampant.
Who knows? Maybe the collapse of comic books is what led to The Burnings.
Well, at least the new owner would get the window curtains.
By the by, why do the signs in said windows simply say “closed” instead of “for sale” or “for lease”? It’s been about a year, one assumes, since the place shut down. If Funky is indeed the owner, shouldn’t he be trying to get some other business to take over the spot instead of letting it just sit there next to its lovely new handicapped sidewalk ramp? It’s got a thriving comic book shop on the top floor to draw in customers, after all. I guess it just speaks to how bad the downtown Westview small business climate is.
BC:
Well, if Pete can change his last name, and Roland can change his sex, why can’t Funky Winkerbean take a cue from Frank Frazetta’s Johnny Comet?
When Johnny left behind race car driving to go into the movies, he changed his name to Ace McCoy.
Over at Marvel, Henry Pym has been Ant-Man, Giant-Man, Goliath, Yellowjacket and the Wasp.
Not to mention Paste-Pot Pete changing his nom-de-crime to the Trapster, because his original name sounded too much like a comic-book villain.
I bought a special issue of Fantastic Four in the 70s, some milestone like issue 100 or such. Inside, it had another cover on 4 pages of slick, high-grade paper, that ran through their biggest bad guys. One was the Frightful Four. I think it said “THE TRAPSTER! He began his career as Paste-Pot Pete before he changed his name (And who could blame him?)”
A level of introspection notably missing from the Funkyverse.
BTS:
That’s *Fantastic Four* #128, which was the eleventh anniversary issue of the title. I’m not sure whether that was the explanation for the extra material.
The name change for Peter Petruski occurred in *F.F.* #38 and was teased for the readers in the letter column of #36.
A retcon has it occurring because when Paste-Pot Pete identified himself to the Amazing Spider-Man, Spidey burst out laughing.
In the *Identity Crisis* arc in which Spidey creates four new identities for himself, he has dealings with the Trapster in one of them, and he realizes that Peter Petruski, like Peter Parker, is a science nerd. It’s a very sweet moment, reminiscent of Peter’s interaction with Curt Connors when he’s not green and scaly.
Look, they (not us) changed the format on comments. With no warning, much like millionaire Droop Dawg and his mad decision to buy a failed pizza restaurant. (Maybe ask your wife/not wife first?)
There is a bts on this site already, and I’m not him! He got here first! How do I change my username back to Bill the Splut and not this lower case/no spaces stuff?
If not–I sure can’t find a way, but I also have to think “Which end of the toothbrush goes in my mouth again?”–billytheskink is bts. End of discussion!
I’m Bill the Splut. Splut works fine as well! If you do NOT want to honor this request, I shall retire from this page and open a tire factory in Akron. What could be a safer investment?
Bill The Splut:
It will never happen again, I promise.
Bill The Splut:
It will never happen again, I promise.
Sparrow, that was not directed at anybody but the weird commenting system.
You doesn’t have to call me that. Just don’t say “Yo Later Dude!” (joke no one but me gets)
“The comic book business isn’t going to be enough to support us if we want to get married and have kids,” says the writer of blockbuster movies and the highest-paid comic writer in the business.
“MARRIED? KIDS?” thinks the woman he’s been engaged to for years, her face expressing shock and horror, as if she were being press-ganged into some kind of Handmaid’s Tale servitude. Even though we’d seen her excited and optimistic about it in yesterday’s strip.
I have to admit, “We need to reopen this failed restaurant to support our impending marriage and children because the jobs we currently have that have enabled us to travel and meet the rich and famous can’t support us” is absolutely top tier Tom Batiuk logic. Talk about that blue-and-orange morality…
It almost seems like a petty response to critics.”Oh, you want Pete to grow up? Here you go.” As with all Batiuk’s logic, he made up a straw criticism he could knock down, and then failed to knock it down because his response made no sense.
Making Pete run Montoni’s isn’t going to fix his character problems. It’s just going to make him more of a Les Moore clone than he already is. Unearned success? Check. Wanted to get married but is completely disinterested in his wife? Check.
Furthermore, unless he makes radical changes — like changing the name and the whole tenor of the place — won’t he be dealing with the same “thin-crust profit margins” that did the place in the last time?
I seem to remember Funky whining frequently about business being bad, despite his palatial home, budget to fly to Texas for an ordinary annual checkup, kitchen renovation splurges, expansion to midtown Manhattan, etc.
(As an aside, the phrase “thin-crust profit margins” makes me truly irrationally angry, for so many reasons — some ineffable, others easy to explain. For example, going by the example of Luigi’s pizza, Montoni’s crusts are about an inch thick, so what the hell is he talking about? If his profit margins are as thick as his crusts, he’s out-earning the Sinaloa Cartel.)
Tom Batiuk’s writing runs on Ice Cream Koans. “thin-crust profit margins” sounded writer-y to him, so into the strip it went. What does it mean? Who knows? Who cares?
Can’t link, but there are several tropes that perfectly describe our Bats. Particularly Delusions of Eloquence:
BJ6K:
Upvoted for reminding me of Salman Rushdie’s description of a character in *The Satanic Verses* as an “Ice Queen Cone.”
Thank you!
But do you find the phrase “immortally wounding”?
Thanks, Y. Knott, for bringing up another phrase that’s enraging. I can put words to at least one of the reasons why:
Bats is too illiterate, and incurious, to know that mortal in the context of “mortal wound” means “leading to death, lethal.” The antonym of “mortal” in this context would be “nonlethal.”
“Immortal wound” is yet another phrase that sounds good to his ear, apparently, but to my ear it sounds like schizoid word-salad, just words strung together held together by a paste of pure smugness.
Bats would no doubt find kinship with the man who led the prayer at the opening of the last Congress and ended it solemnly, “Amen. And awomen!“
In a way, yes, but when I think of “immortal wounds,” I tend to think first of Philoctetes in Greek mythology, whose wound stank so much that his companions abandoned him on a desolate isle until they needed the bow and arrows of Heracles which were in his keeping.
Agreed, AS. Really, the phrase makes me think of a hideous non-healing lesion, like a diabetic leg ulcer or a pressure ulcer in a bedbound dementia patient — a suppurating injury that never closes, never heals, and stinks like a decaying corpse.
Mighty evocative writing there, Tommy boy.
FWIW, Harold Bloom (the prolific literary critic whose books are in every college bookstore) may be the originator of “immortal wound”:
“If a poem pierces you enough, in heart and in intellect, and you never really get over it, it qualifies as an immortal wound… Any poet who wounds you by wonder has given you, probably, an immortal wound.“
That’s the swerve I was expecting. Somehow someone whose been in a family who took part in the Montoni’s Pilgrimage hasn’t known it closed all year, and its all for melodrama regarding how her boyfriend/Schrodinger Fiancée is thinking about how to support their future.
The canon talk here certainly begets the point of Mopey Pete’s income; he’s written as somehow breaking big in his field as some “famous” author with both comic companies, including writing for Big Boy Scout himself with the great “here’s a new earthquake-themed supervillain” story arc, then getting movie-writing contracts before throwing it all away to work some millionaire’s pet project of silver age throwback stories. I can believe that he’s working for pennies under Atomix Komix’s sleasy “WIN ALL THE AUCTIONS” boss, but how many residue checks has he wasted on SDCC VIP tickets? Or has he just had incredibly bad contracts throughout his career despite his credit? Maybe his reboot of Mr. Sponge hurt his credibility that badly?
Seeing somebody run Montonis is nice, but this surely would be above his dignity. And are we really seeing the Funkyverse tie it all together by having the Crankshaft kids both involved in running the most important local businesses of pizza and 60s theater shows?
I understand Batiuk has to have the awning, curtains, and neon sign in the window to prove they’re standing outside where Montoni’s used to be open for business.
That being said, as important as the restaurant was to the Batiukverse characters, wouldn’t you expect the neon sign to be one of the most popular items at the auction?
Today’s comic makes it seem like the only thing Mopey Pete needs to restart the business is a key for the front door.
Speaking of neon signs, I always thought this one was more appropriate for Montoni’s.
Hey, remember when Les was going to buy the Montoni’s sign because it reminded him of Lisa? That never got addressed either.
I must admit that I had forgotten about Les’ wish to own the Montoni’s sign until you reminded me of it. Didn’t he appreciate the way it glimmered in the apartment window or something similar?
Funny you should mention Les. In my previous comment, I almost mentioned that Les could have purchased an entire Montoni’s booth at the auction and placed it in his writing studio, kitchen, or even bedroom.
Les might also have provided Cayla with a Montoni’s waitress outfit to keep “serving her man.” Gross.
(Alternate Les walks up to Original Les and slaps him like Will Smith slapped Chris Rock, sending Original Les flying 20 feet back)
Original Les: HUMPH! I guess some variants WERE left behind!
“Original Les storms out and falls into the dumpster”
YaY! 👏
Seeing somebody run Montonis is nice, but this surely would be above his dignity.
It’s actually a great premise for a story. Pete has the kind of job millions of comic book-addled kids (and certain 76-year-old men) want for themselves. But he’s actually good at it, and it gives him a much better life than anything else could. If Pete wants to provide for a family, his best option is to keep making comic books. Which sets up a reversal of the “aspiring musician” story. Pete needs to be encouraged to stick with the comic books, and not chase his dream of running a failed pizza restaurant in a dying town. Reminds me of this skit:
Today’s Crankshaft is a doozy. Pete laments that the comics industry is circling the drain (?) and he wants to try another way to “raise dough.” Gosh, what a clever pun.
I can’t say it better, so I’ll respectfully quote the GoComics poster “wherescrankshaft”:
Popey Meat can’t find a way to make money even as the highest paid writer in a $2B field, but thinks he’ll make bank with an ancient pizzeria that even the venerable original owners couldn’t keep afloat? Sounds about right for Funkyverse logic.
Oh, Leroy? LEEERRRROY?
I forgot I can’t post links and now the torso chute’s clogged again.
Re: Today’s Crankshaft, wherein Popey Meat laments the comix industry “circling the drain” and thinks he’ll do better as a pizzaiolo:
While my other post waits in the torso chute, I have to say that the idea of starting up a new restaurant as a prelude to getting married and having kids is about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of.
Not only do most restaurants fail, they also tend to be nearly 24/7 endeavors for small sole proprietors, who have to be chief cook and bottle-washer. Pete and Mindy, with no experience at all, will have to buy all the equipment and fixtures, cook, serve, clean, and deal with all the finances, payroll, legal and municipal issues, and any emergencies like broken ovens, floods, etc.
It continues to really irritate me that TB shows a total ignorance of what it takes to raise a child. It’s not a part-time endeavor you can do when you have Sunday morning off because your restaurant doesn’t open till noon.
If anything, time, not money, is the most essential ingredient when you’re starting a family. Given the choice between a steady, well-paid office job and a very risky venture — starting a new pizzeria in the exact same spot where an old, beloved one failed last year — who would even dream of choosing the latter?
At least Moldy looks appropriately disappointed and skeptical.
This baggy-eyed mook is flying more red flags than a May Day parade in Beijing — RUN, MINDY!
Buy the equipment and fixtures? Nah, I’m sure they’re all still there, despite the massive closing sale. I’m going to guess that the interior of Montoni’s looks exactly the same as it did a year ago, minus MAYBE the Tiffany lamp (yeah, we’ve seen that Lillian has it again, but, c’mon, that just means it’s about 50/50 it’s still in Montoni’s) and the John Darling Who Was Murdered photo. The large flat-screen TV? Still there. The delivery cars with their new snow tires? Still there. All the food? Still there. (Hey, if 30-year-old turkeys can be pulled out of the freezer and served in an afternoon, I’m sure pizza ingredients can survive indefinitely, too.) Heck, even the STAFF will probably still be there; Wally and Rachel, at least, probably still live above Montoni’s, and likely haven’t done anything else with their lives since December, so they’ll be ready to get back to work just as soon as Mopetoni’s needs them. (Mopey can also regale Mindy and Wally with tales of the time he saw Rachel naked!)
It’s called writing!
In the Batiukverse, sure.
In the Batiukverse, the most valuable thing in Montoni’s was the photo of the Eliminator, followed by the John Darling Whowasmurdered photo, and, in a distant third, by the original pendant lamp signed by Louis Comfort Tiffany.
In the REAL world, the Tiffany lamp in perfect condition, found in a pizzeria, would have made national news and sold for at least 100K.
The second most valuable items would be the fixtures — the pizza ovens, the commercial refrigerators and freezers, etc. Possibly followed by any vintage decor, like neon signs, commercial promotional items from the 60s, etc.
It would all have been sold at the auction, to pay off debts. Except the Tiffany lamp, which would have been sold by Sotheby’s or a similar specialty house.
But, yeah, in the Batiukverse, despite the sale that we saw, it’s probably still all there. And Peat will move the freezer to clean behind it, and find a gem mint Action #1 or the “Batom” equivalent. And this will fund the loathesome wedding of these loathesome characters.
Hopefully the much-vaunted “Burnings” are started by a massive Montoni’s kitchen greasefire.
Here’s a link to an interesting article by a guy who left a career in mid-level media administration and opened a restaurant up the street from me … and ruined his life. You’ll laugh, you’ll cringe, you’ll cringe some more … and you’ll definitely think that opening a restaurant as a path to financial and marital stability is one of the stupidest ideas ever. (One of my friends called the whole saga “The Mediocre White Dude Odyssey”.)
https://torontolife.com/food/restaurant-ruined-life/
You know what’s cray-cray? Batiuk, IRL, is obviously tight with the owners of Luigi’s in Akron. A 10-minute chat with them would supply him with enough real-life information and great stories for a year of RePete and Minty dicking around with Montoni’s.
But as usual, he shuns the interesting opportunities in front of him to burrow more deeply into the mental sofa-cushion fort he made for himself when he was 7, and never left.
What?! Are you implying that no research was done by a guy who thinks silent movies are from the 1940s?
Always exciting when Crankshaft actually gets interesting with a storyline where the Westview legacy starts cramming itself back in.
Much has been said about just how impractical it is to run a restaurant, even restarting an established legacy name (I know of a burger diner that was loved and awarded for years that ultimately got squeezed out during the pandemic that people tried to buy and restart, mixing up the menu with Asian cuisines alongside the burgers, but they petered out too and now years of dining history is gathering dust). But it is interesting that Pete goes in on the angle that the comics industry is dying and that’s why they need a more “reliable” career avenue to start a family on.
I won’t go into the nuances of the state of the comic industry, I don’t keep up with the knowledge and those that do seem to be making good points of how there are struggles even in the movie adaptations, but it’s entertaining in some respect that Batiuk is writing through this to admit that comics aren’t what they were. He certainly has slipped several “Back in my day”-isms through the strips and blogs, his own rants at what they’re doing wrong, but this is getting very on the nose and I wonder if we’re due a rant from Jeff, DSH John or Crazy Harry about it all.
(And speaking of the blog, one of his latest entries about returning to a local Akron Comic Con has him outright saying sees reading his Silver age classics as turning into a kid again: “To me, reading old comic books is like getting in a time machine to the past, taking me back to when I was immortally wounded by them.” Immortally wounded, that’s a new one I think)
Alas, Andrew, “immortally wounded” is not a new one. It goes on the shelf with “Imperious Rexall” and a few other word-salad “bons mots” that TB thought of around 1960 and has been proudly repeating ever since.
I’ve been thinking about Mindy’s lack of enthusiasm for Mopey Pete’s plans, and I think I get it. The reasons are two-fold.
1.) How many folks here have worked in the restaurant/fast food industry? Would you ever want to return to that job?
In high school, I worked one year in a Burger Town (like Burger King, only worse). In college, I worked a semester as a waitress in an Italian restaurant. These experiences were enough to convince me that I would never want to work in the restaurant industry again. Good Lord willing, and the creek don’t rise, I never will.
Mindy remembers her employment as a waitress at Montoni’s all those years ago. Like me, she must have thought she left those years behind, never to return.
In Mopey Pete’s dream pizzeria, Mindy, would most likely be the hostess, like Holly Winkerbean. Wouldn’t donning an apron and pouring endless cups of coffee be a nightmare for Mindy?
2.) Married? Kids? Speaking of nightmares, could you imagine Mopey Pete attempting to have sex with you?
Mindy awakes from a sound slumber to witness Mopey Pete attempting to go to town on her.
I see Mindy reacting like Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby.
Mindy: This is no dream! This is really happening!
Instead of Satan’s face in the darkness, Mindy sees Mopey Pete’s beady little eyes reflecting in the darkness, sweating profusely, and his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth from the exertion.
Brrrrrrr! That’s nightmare fuel! 😱😱😱
Wonder if Batiuk even remembers Mindy’s stint as a Montoni’s waiter.
Why does it matter how Mindy feels? The story is just going to march straight to where Batiuk wants it, which is with Pete and Mindy running Montoni’s. The fact that Mindy has concerns about this plan will never be given any weight. Never mind Mindy’s feelings about her current job: she’s an employee of Atomix Komix and free to make her own career decisions. She doesn’t have to quit the comic book industry just because Pete suddenly wants to.
To say nothing of their unclear marital status. Pete failed to propose her at the state fair four years ago, but Mindy’s been acting engaged anyway (most of the time). There have been romcom movies where correcting a botched proposal was the entire plot. Now he’s dictating when Mindy’s going to do for the rest of her life?
This is Batiukian storytelling at its finest. He created a situtation he never addressed, because he spent four years drawing comic book convers and sending them to California instead. Now he’s doing another “drama” scene the story isn’t prepared for.
Aw, lighten up, 6K. You’re always so serious. My post was made tongue in cheek. I know the seemingly misogynistic TB doesn’t care about Mindy’s thoughts or feelings. Her primary role is to be a prop for Mopey Pete.
Didn’t like that one? How about this one about Mopey Pete’s “shortcomings”?
Mindy continues to stare at Mopey Pete, furiously trying to have sex with her.
Mindy: Um, Petey… that’s my belly button.
Nice Pizza. We love Pizza at Bepakt!