It’s been over a month since Harriet promised you an epic screed from me, about the three weeks Crankshaft spent on three different book signings (two for Dinkle and one for Batton Thomas). I haven’t delivered it yet, because I said I wanted to make sure the arc was over.
It wasn’t over. It’s still not over yet. It may not be over for months.
Because on May 14, we saw the harbinger of death. We saw the ibis before the hurricane. We saw the two scariest words in the Funkyverse. No, not “Les Moore.” Not “Harry Dinkle.” Not “comic books.” Not “Lisa’s Story.”
“Starbuck Jones.” The minute the words Starbuck Jones show up in a strip, you know we’re in for months and months of what I call:
Booksturbation: Funkyverse arcs that exist only to indulge Tom Batiuk’s unique, narrow view of what he thinks his life as a famous writer should be like. (Despite the name, it can be any type of media.)
Think for a moment about all the people who in Westview and/or Centerville who are content creators:
- Summer Moore: Wrote Westview, a book so important to the future of humanity that a time traveler spent decades making sure it got written.
- Les Moore: Wrote Lisa’s Story, which was made into a major Hollywood picture, plus a comic book and two other related books. Was awarded an Oscar trophy for… doing something. Also wrote Fallen Star, and solved the actual murder in the process.
- Harry Dinkle: Just published his autobiography. Has long been writing a book about Claude Barlow. Received a record deal for his work with a retirement center band. Was chosen to participate in the Rose Parade multiple times, which we’re supposed to think is a big deal. Sold enough band candy to save the Belgian economy (GDP $583 billion). Is now being transformed into the John Williams of the Starbuck Jones franchise.
- Lillian McKenzie: Writer of the Murder In The Blank cozy mystery series. Owner of a bookstore.
- Pete Roberts-Reynolds: Writer of the first Starbuck Jones movie, and the highest paid writer in comic books. Recently walked away from the industry for unexplained reasons.
- Mindy: Was idly coloring while visiting Pete at work one day, and was handed a job as a colorist. She also walked away from the industry with her now-fiancee Pete, but she’s a girl so it’s not important.
- Darrin: Has some kind of job at Atomik Komix, the powerhouse boutique publisher conveniently located in exurban Cleveland.
- Flash Freeman, Phil Holt: two comic book industry legends, analogous to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, who dropped everything and moved to exurban Cleveland at an advanced age.
- Mason Jarre, Marianne Winters, Cliff Anger, Vera Young: Hollywood actors who spend so much time in Westview they’re basically locals.
- Max and Hannah Murdoch: Had TV jobs, quit to run a retro movie theater, walked back into those TV jobs when it failed, then promptly quit them again when Mason handed the theater back to them.
- Cindy Summers: national TV news journalist. Documentary maker.
- John Howard: owns a comic book store that was the center of an obscenity court case.
- Batton Thomas: nationally syndicated cartoonist.
- John Darling: Local TV host who was murdered.
That’s not even all of them. There are minor characters with major media jobs: comic book artist Ruby Lith; Les’ agent Ann Apple; and that one time Holly Budd-Winkerbean apparently published a book about always lighting her hair on fire. If Westview/Centerville was a real place, it would be the literary equivalent of San Pedro de Macoris.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with stories about writing: Misery, All The President’s Men, Finding Forrester, and Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas are all good ones. But there’s a key difference between stories like those and what Tom Batiuk does: those stories are stories. They have action, conflict, characters with goals, and a plot that’s ultimately about something else. Book stories in the Funkyverse are more like a police procedural for a 15-year-old’s famous writer fantasy. In lieu of a plot, the Funkyverse spends week after week going through Tom Batiuk’s idea of this process:
- characters being recognized as national-level talents, usually by someone else in Westview who’s in no position to judge.
- characters receiving some kind of professional acceptance, such as the April 14 strip.
- characters going through the process of becoming professionally recognized as writers (meeting with agents, signing contracts).
- characters believing their work is “art” and everyone else’s work is money-grubbing schlock.
- characters complaining about deadline pressure or writer’s block, even though no such pressure is never seen.
- characters doing book signings.
- characters having to deal with fans they perceive as inferior.
- characters doing media interviews.
- characters being nominated for awards, going to ceremonies, and usually winning.
- characters demanding, and getting, ludicrous amounts of editorial control over their content.
- characters expressing disdain for the “business side” of publishing, even after they smirked through all of the above.
It’s like a twistedly self-indulgent version of the Hero’s Journey. And after the character has completed the I’m-a famous-writer process, the whole thing is dropped like a hot potato. This happened with the first Starbuck Jones movie. The second one was kind of glossed over, but Episode III “Rise of the Bandelorians” looks to be like a full exploration. And since The Burnings are coming this fall, it’ll probably tie into whatever mess that will be.
So the book signing is just a minor symptom, like telling people you have diarrhea when you’ve got Ebola virus. It’s technically correct, but doesn’t capture the whole problem.
Tom Batiuk’s need to indulge his I’m-a-writer fantasies may be worse than his needs to soapbox about comic books and cross-promote his Dead Lisa books. It’s not as common as the others, but it may be the worst of the three.
Son of Stuck Funky 
Today’s Funky Crankerbean:
(in the driest and most sarcastic tone ever) ha ha its funny because young people don’t understand what cassette tapes are
But Batty called it a “tape cassette “, I’ve never heard it called that before. Why must Batty mangle the language like this? I think he tries too hard to sound smart and intelligent.
Funky’s Walkman was supposed to be the last one on earth, after he broke the other one. Did Crankshaft buy it from Funky? Does Funky not need it anymore now that he’s retired in Florida?
But Funky’s was a Discman, not a Walkman.
My version of today’s strip:
Excellent!
Not understanding the industry he wants to be in is kind of his deal. This is the weenus who got a bug up his butt because he thought a joke was a lie.
Saddest of all are the denizens of the Batiukverse who have not written a book. For they relegated to second class citizenship and their presence is merely tolerated.
Harshest insult among the Batiukians: Where’s your best selling manuscript.
Statement most often said by the Batiukian elite in crowds: Make way! There’s a writer coming through!
Didn’t Pam have an arc where she wanted to become a novelist, but couldn’t because she had to raise children?
Normally I’d consider this shallow, but in this universe I get why she’s salty. Les never had to raise children, and he was a single dad!
I think that was Ann, not Pam
it may have been. I’m not the best at Funkyverse history. But my same comments apply. A publishing contract is basically a fundamental right in the Funkyverse.
Fishstick Ann wanted to be a sportswriter. Sure…
I can’t verify but that sounds very familiar. Pam’s dreams were shot down because, at the time, Batiuk probably felt being a writer was a man’s job.
I do remember it was Pam who was instrumental in launching Lillian’s career as an author. Lillian was frustrated because her manuscript was rejected by her publisher. Pam, at one time, was a substitute teacher at Westview High School. She knew a certain English teacher who had some books published. It was Pam who introduced Lillian to Les Moore. Pam suggested having Les critique Lillian’s manuscript. Les granted his “holy blessing” by suggesting a few “tweaks.” Lillian’s career took off like a rocket.
Poor Pam. Always a bridesmaid.
BTW, I always thought the two scariest words in the Funkyverse were “Les Moore”.
Les Moore is a jump-scare. It’s basic trailer fodder, but can be effective if well-executed. Starbuck Jones is the kind of slow scare that takes a little time to build, because the scare is in piece together how fucked the protagonist is.
Banana Jr. 6000:
Starbuck Jones story arcs, as welcome and dreaded as much as a colonoscopy.
I do not expect TB to actually do this, or even manage it if he did, but imagine if he used The Burnings to actually create a clever tear down of the entirety of Westview and Centerville and its inhabitants’ self-obsessed, selfish, and arrogant attitudes and reveal that all of this has been some intentional plan to show what happens to people that never leave high school and can’t get their heads out of their asses.
That’s most likely too ambitious for Batiuk to do
And too much against his M.O. He’ll re-write 50 years of continuity on a whim, but he’ll never admit there was anything wrong with his worldview. His mind pretty much stopped developing at age nine, and over the years he’s only become less capable of rethinking his life.
Looking forward to more!
Let’s not forget that another use of Starbuck Jones was to inflict a multiweek saga about collecting the damned comics, only for them to be immediately sold so that Corey could get an engagement ring. It was a very Tom thing to do – take months of buildup for it to resolve in an extremely dumb way, only for the woman involved to helplessly do nothing in response to how all that effort was ultimately flushed down the toilet.
What did buy her, the Hope Diamond? These damned comic books are supposed to be so valuable that a complete set of them would have made him set for life. Everything in this world is just so delightfully maddeningly inconsistent.
RE: The Monday 5/27 C’Shaft:
Wait a minute! Where’s Masonne Jarre? Where’s Harry Dinkleberg? Where are the endless “wisecracks” about Claude Barlow’s music? We actually get Ed Crankshaft for a second day in a row, in what looks like an actual storyline? Cushlamachree!
On the other hand…why did Centerville resident Ed go all the way to Westview to look for a sponsor for his senior softball squad? Did the Dale Evans, Village Booksmith, Fast Fitness, Margo Lanes, and Cupcakes for Cats (formerly Centerville Hardware) all turn him down?
On the third hand…You gotta love that Mopey Pete tells Mindy they need to talk about sponsoring the team before agreeing to it, when last Fall he decided to quit his Atomik Komix gig and made a deal with Pizza Box Monsters to buy the shuttered Montoni’s without letting her know until essentially after the fact.
The problem with her deciding things is due to Bathack throwing a hissy fit because his mother decided that a lazy, spoiled, stupid misogynistic imbecile child wasn’t perfect.
Pies and a coffee counter in a pizzeria? Whatever you say Batty.
We just saw Ed buy $200,000 worth of junk to rent his yard out to a few dozen eclipse watchers. We just saw Mason Jarre descend on the town and start handing out roles in a Hollywood movie. We just saw Mindy and Pete walk away from a comic book industry that had paid them very well, and enter into a partnership with an unknown person in a pizza box costume, to buy a failed restaurant they have no skill at running.
But THIS is what’s important. $500 worth of softball uniforms for a team led by a 105-year-old man, that he can jolly well pay for himself.
THIS is what Pete has concerns about, after he ignored Mindy’s feelings about the potentially catastrophic move. THIS is the first time we’ve seen them actually working. THIS is what we’re going to spend a week on. Unbelievable.
Also note that the only customer in Mopeytoni’s is the co-owner’s grandfather, who probably gets a free cup of Joe. How long before the place shuts down again?
There’s always the possibility that Mason will need another place to launder money…
Today’s Funky Crankerbean:
Looks like the Masone Jarre shit has ended and moved on to the Mopey Pete shit
also, I had a weird dream about Owen and Cody walking around a mall that somehow involved Mecha Sonic from Sonic 3 & Knuckles
Related to the Batiukverse: more fanart of the characters that I made
Sherry Carlyle
Wally Winkerbean
Owen and Cody are definitely the kinds of kids who’d still be hanging out at the mall. Owen is employed at a dying vape store, and Cody kind of just lurks around, and leers at Alex when she stops by to drop off Owen’s lunch and pick up a few carts.
I think Owen is the type of person who would work at either Burger King as a intern or a Goodwill store and openly hates, and he would rope Cody into it to share the misery
And Pete and Mindy are STILL somehow the only 2 employees in the new Montoni’s.
That too! We’ve also seen Mindy ride up in Ed’s car to pick up pizza, even though she’s owner of the restaurant. And, engaged to Pete now. Haven’t they already been living together anyway?
Batiuk is probably adhering to some rule that Rocky, Corey, Adeela, and Rachel haven’t been “properly” introduced into Crankshaft yet, via an existing Crankshaft character. Even though the re-opening of Montoni’s is perfect for that purpose. And it ties up some loose ends too.
The last we knew, Wally and Rachel were still living in the apartment over Montoni’s. And were working there when it closed. (The Komix Korner is also over Montoni’s, so either Funky was still collecting rent*, or he hasn’t been paying anyone for the space since 2022.)
*(Did Mopey buy the entire building, or just Montoni’s? Does Batiuk remember that Funky owned the building at all?)
And again, it never made the blindest bit of sense to close the place, reopen it and hand it off to that dumbass Pete when Funky comes equipped with a nephew who has a better claim.
It never made the blindest bit of sense to close it in the first place… but now I’m beginning to see the objective. It was Batiuk’s way of trimming the cast. He closed Montoni’s, so he could re-open it with only the characters he wanted. Then he made sure all the decorations went back up in the exact same spots. That’s Batiuk thinking if ever I’ve seen it. The people he could care less about, including the twice-captured PTSD case.
It says something that he only wanted characters with some connection to the cast of Crankshaft.
Wally is Funky’s cousin, not nephew
It’s more accurate to say Wally is Funky’s cousin, except when he’s his nephew. Batiuk has said both at various times, and never really specified how they’re related, exactly.
(I usually just say Wally is Funky’s cousinephew.)
Whatever he is, he’s screwed by design….the design of a man who doesn’t like or trust women.
The Funky/Wally/uncle/cousin thing was actually resolved in one of TB’s cleanest retcons… though that resolution makes Wally look like even more of a jerk in this strip where he makes Funky’s intervention about his own chickensh*t behavior.
Today we are still in the pizza shop, coffee shop. Where’s Masone and Cindy?
Who would write more needless, vainglorious headlines about their irrelevant performances than… well, any resident of the Funkyverse?
Probably calling a paramedic for Cindy’s 74/94 year old mom and dad after informing them that their 54/74 year old daughter is about to make them grandparents.
Due to Cindy’s advanced age, she is going to have a grown-up.
(Apologies to George Carlin)
A paramedic? Call Les, HE CAN GET HER THERE FASTER!!!
(Wait, is that why Batiuk felt it necessary to reopen Montoni’s? So Cindy could give birth in the delivery vehicle? He totally did, didn’t he?)
The Valentine also closed and reopened. Cindy WILL give birth in one of those places. Yeah, Tom’s done both before, which only means he’ll do it again. It sure won’t happen inside a hospital; at best, it’ll be on the way there in a schoolbus.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
The Daily Bleak
Old Murderous Asshole Found Dead After Trying to Strangle Grandson-in-Law
It’s always been interesting to how TB keeps bringing Pete back to square one so he can throw him into workplace sitcom bits. Pete is explicitly the most commercially successful creative in the history of the Batiukverse. Even before his big breaks with Starbuck Jones and Atomik Komix, he worked on flagship titles for Marvel, DC, and Mega Comics (apparently a big deal publisher in-universe). He was so successful that Les was in a jealous rage over it, which is the one and only reason I occasionally kinda like Pete.
But no matter all of Pete’s success, he always winds up getting forced back into the trenches. Back to the freelancer grind, back to the movie studio grind, back to the comics bullpen grind, now into the daily pizza grind. It’s not that he should be living off residuals (well, maybe he should), but his success should have earned him accolades, recognition, ongoing opportunities in the field… and at least several times the amount of respect Les gets for writing one book that failed to alter the career as a public school teacher that he openly hates. Pete’s body of work could buy and sell that of Phil’s and Flash’s and Ruby’s and Batton’s (and, frankly, Masone’s too if you exclude Starbuck Jones) 100x over, but TB made sure he always wound up back playing the young know-nothing who genuflected in the presence of the old masters whose work never lifted their companies beyond the brink of collapse. Mason treats Les as an equal/superior but almost nobody treats Pete this way, not even Durwood, even though TB has regularly told us he’s more than earned it.
The easy answer is to assume that the fact that Pete had massive success in the gap between acts was forgotten by our author. Though I do wonder if some unseen self-sabotage to his career was another factor, considering the topic of his first major arc (crumbling to pieces at coming up with an original Superman story/making up a new Superman villain), or that somehow the time he did a gritty retcon reboot of “Amazing Mr Sponge” being a failure hurt his reputation. Or maybe he was a victim of the Great Recession all along due to funneling comic money into real estate or something.
It’s also worth mentioning just how mind-boggling he sees restaurant management as his only option. Regardless of alleged skills or the specter of the comic industry going bust (which seems to have never troubled “Buy-em-all” Chester in his handling of Atomik Komix), breaking into movie writing surely should net him some steady work even if he’s driven down to Lifetime movie writing. Certainly doesn’t look like he’s living extravagantly if it took him that long to even buy a wedding ring. Is his agent swindling him or what?
The Mega Comics/Mr. Sponge arc is a great example of TB bringing Pete back to square one to put him in a different situation without knowing at all how to realistically do that.
Pete is depicted as writing the dark and gritty Mr. Sponge clone arc under protest, the new angle thrust upon him by his superiors at Mega Comics. And even though he isn’t proud of it, it’s a commercial hit! It’s a best seller even if it isn’t well-reviewed or well-received by long time fans. And then Pete is taken off the title, because… Because…
Well, because TB needs him to go to Hollywood. Pete is never explicitly fired from Mega Comics (just Mr. Sponge) nor does he quit in protest of the continued new direction of the title or because he was removed from Mr. Sponge. He just lands in Hollywood because Masone wants a comic book writer on Starbuck Jones and Durwood runs into Cindy one day. It’s just a baffling way to go about a story arc and a character, and for reasons beyond anyone’s belief IT. KEEPS. HAPPENING.
The Funkyverse is full of Mary Sues that represent Tom Batiuk and different stages of his life. Pete is basically “TB if he’d gotten that Marvel/DC job he wanted at age 30.” Pete went straight to the top of the industry, was handed every prestige job he wanted, was paid ludicrous amounts of money, got all his useless friends hired, and had complete control over what he worked on. (Indirect control, maybe. But Pete can do whatever he wants at all times, because Batiuk has no concept of “needing to pay the rent.”)
Batiuk constantly moves Pete back to the beginning of his comic book career, so Pete can live Batiuk’s fantasy cycle over and over again. Just like TB must repeatedly walk his characters through the discovery/contract/book signings/win awards process.
And I’ll bet money that Pete eventually goes back to comic books. And that he’ll leave Mindy to run Montoni’s. He’s already hinted at Pete becoming a “freelancer.” One of these weeks we’ll see Pete right back at Atomik Komix, with no Mindy and no explanation.