My retelling of The Burnings continues. All episodes of the retelling appear under the “Burnings” tag.) A recap of previous episodes:
- Prologue 1: If The Burnings Were A Movie, You’d Walk Out. Let’s Write A Better One.
- Prologue 2: Murder In The Burnings: The Minor Suspects
- Prologue 3: Murder In The Burnings: The Major Suspects
- Chapter 1: Testimony Of Nate Green
- Chapter 2: Testimony Of Arson Investigator
- Chapter 3: Further Testimony Of Blaise Ashcomb
- Chapter 4: Testimony Of Skip Rawlings
- Chapter 5: Testimony Of Police Investigator
Chapter 6 begins now.
PROSECUTOR: Please state your full name.
CHRISTOPHER: Christopher J. Bland, but I go by Chris.
PROSECUTOR: You are a student at Westview High School, is that correct?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes.
PROSECUTOR: And you are in Mr. Moore’s American Literature class, correct?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes, your honor.
PROSECUTOR: I’m not “your honor.” Your Honor is the judge. I’m the prosecutor. You may call me Mr. Flaherty.
CHRISTOPHER: Sorry, Mr. Flaherty.
PROSECUTOR: Please explain why you were present at the Village Booksmith on the night of September 16, not long after a fire had been started there.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, band practice let out early.
PROSECUTOR: What time was that?
CHRISTOPHER: 12:50.
PROSECUTOR: After midnight? On a Monday night? I thought that guy retired.
CHRISTOPHER: He did, but his assistant took over. She’s actually a little nicer.
PROSECUTOR: Why did you drive all the way to Centerville at this hour?
CHRISTOPHER: We heard about the fire.
PROSECUTOR: You drove all the way to Centerville at one in the morning because you heard there was a fire?
CHRISTOPHER: The fire was about us!
PROSECUTOR: Okay, calm down. Could you please explain what that means?
CHRISTOPHER: Mr. Moore told us the book he was teaching us in class was forbidden. We all thought that was really cool. So when we heard about the first fire at Booksmellers, it was like, people were personally attacking us.
PROSECUTOR: Mr. Blank, did you —
CHRISTOPHER: Bland.
PROSECUTOR: Excuse me?
CHRISTOPHER: My last name is Bland, not Blank.
PROSECUTOR: Oh. I’m sorry about that, Mister… Bland. Did you know that the Booksmellers fire was accidental, and had nothing to do with the contents of the book your class were reading?
CHRISTOPHER: What? Really?
PROSECUTOR: Yes. The arson investigator previously testified in this courtroom that it was caused by a faulty space heater. Skip Rawlings, the editor of the newspaper, testified that his only real evidence of the alleged protestors was an email from an unknown person.
CHRISTOPHER: Wow. I guess that changes… stuff. No, I didn’t know.
PROSECUTOR: So you believed at the time that the Booksmellers fire was an attack on the book you were reading in class, and by extension, an attack on you personally. Would you say that is that accurate?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes, I think so.
PROSECUTOR: Did this motivate you to go to the site of the Village Booksmith fire that night?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes, very much.
PROSECUTOR: Okay, let’s go back to that. Tell me the events that led from the end of band practice to you being at the Village Booksmith.
CHRISTOPHER: Well, there were a couple other kids from Mr. Moore’s literature class in the band. One of them said to me, hey, did you hear there was another fire?
PROSECUTOR: How did this, umm, other kid find out about it?
CHRISTOPHER: I don’t remember. I think he got a text from his brother or something.
PROSECUTOR: So why did you go there?
CHRISTOPHER: There were four or five of us talking about it, and someone said ‘hey, let’s go check it out.’ We all thought this was an attack on us.
PROSECUTOR: You all thought that?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes.
PROSECUTOR: Do you remember who suggested going to the Village Booksmith?
CHRISTOPHER: No. It wasn’t me. I don’t remember everyone, I only remember the one girl who rode in my car. We took two or three cars.
PROSECUTOR: Who was that girl?
CHRISTOPHER: It was (looking around nervously) Betsy Baxter.
PROSECUTOR: What happened when you and Betsy Baxter arrived at the site of the fire?
CHRISTOPHER: It was dark and we couldn’t see anything. There was police tape around the house, and some lights were on, but no signs of a fire. We thought maybe it was a prank, or it wasn’t a fire at all. We were about to leave until we noticed the smell.
PROSECUTOR: What smell?
CHRISTOPHER: Like burnt wood. Like a bonfire got out of control. It smelled like somebody was trying to cover it up.
PROSECUTOR: What happened next?
CHRISTOPHER: We wanted to get closer to see what was going on.
PROSECUTOR: What did you do then?
CHRISTOPHER: Do I have to say?
PROSECUTOR: Yes, young man. This is a courtroom. You swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, son. So yes, you do have to say, unless you want more legal trouble.
CHRISTOPHER: Okay! I didn’t think you would make a federal case about it!
PROSECUTOR: It’s not a federal case. It’s a state case, and you’re not on trial here. We just want to know what happened. Please tell us.
CHRISTOPHER: We went under the police tape.
PROSECUTOR: Okay.
CHRISTOPHER: We know we’re not supposed to do that, but we really wanted to see.
PROSECUTOR: Okay. What happened next?
CHRISTOPHER: We got close enough to the house to see what happened. Some of the stairs had been burned, and the upstairs windows were open.
PROSECUTOR: And then what happened?
CHRISTOPHER: Betsy said “hey, wouldn’t it be funny if we pretended to be the protestors”?
PROSECUTOR: And, did you?
CHRISTOPHER: Umm… yes.
PROSECUTOR: Tell me what you did exactly.
CHRISTOPHER: I had some old clothes and other stuff in my trunk we could use as a disguise.
PROSECUTOR: Did you use any of these items?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes. I put some old glasses on. Then other people started showing up.
PROSECUTOR: Who were those people?
CHRISTOPHER: I didn’t know any of them, but some of them looked familiar.
PROSECUTOR: Did they look like other people from your class?
CHRISTOPHER: I don’t know, maybe? Oh, I remember some of them were from the drama club. Some of them got into costume.
PROSECUTOR: Did the other attendees say anything you remember?
CHRISTOPHER: No, it was all generic stuff like “Keep our kids safe! No banned books in schools!” Then I remembered something.
PROSECUTOR: What did you remember?
CHRISTOPHER: That I had a can of paint in my trunk. It was left over from when I helped build a set for the drama club.
PROSECUTOR: What did you do then? Remember, you are under oath, and we just want to know the truth.
CHRISTOPHER: I went and got it and… the crowd started really cheering me, so I… painted a Ghostbusters logo on the sign, and everybody went wild. I guess I was trying to please the crowd?
PROSECUTOR: What happened then?
CHRISTOPHER: The old lady came out. An old man was with her. I guess he was her husband.
SPECTATOR: Your Honor! I objectify that woman!
THE JUDGE: Please be quiet, Mr. Crankshaft.
PROSECUTOR: Christopher, is the man who just spoke the man you saw?
THE JUDGE: Yes. He’s that cranky bus driver.
SPECTATOR: That’s Crankshaft!
THE JUDGE: (bangs gavel) One more outburst and I’ll eject you from the courtroom.
PROSECUTOR: And is the woman you saw in this courtroom?
CHRISTOPHER: Hold on. (looks around) Yes, that’s her.
PROSECUTOR: Let the record show that the witness identified Lillian McKenzie. So what happened next?
CHRISTOPHER: She started lecturing us, and reading passages from the book. We got really bummed out.
PROSECUTOR: Why?
CHRISTOPHER: Because we realized Mr. Moore had tricked us into learning.
PROSECUTOR: What do you mean?
CHRISTOPHER: Like in that movie The Wave. They made us watch that in school once. Did you ever see that?
PROSECUTOR: I did actually, the 80s version. Huh. So you think this was all an elaborate scheme by Mr. Moore, to get you to participate in something evil, so you’d learn the message of the book?
CHRISTOPHER: Umm… well, that was the only thing that made any sense. Why else would an old lady read to an angry mob?
PROSECUTOR: What happened after that?
CHRISTOPHER: Betsy and I tried to hide in the crowd.
CHRISTOPHER: Then a bunch of other people showed up, holding up signs about how good books are. We thought that was part of the lesson.
PROSECUTOR: What did you do then?
CHRISTOPHER: We figured we were busted, so we ran off.
PROSECUTOR: Was this because Lillian McKenzie told you she had a video camera?
CHRISTOPHER: (scoffs) No. Why would that do anything? There’s cameras everywhere.
PROSECUTOR: Then why?
CHRISTOPHER: Because we saw Mr. Dinkle there. We thought he was there to be part of the lesson. Or he’d make us start practicing again.
PROSECUTOR: So you went to check out the fire, got the idea that it would be funny if you posed as the protestors, a bunch of people showed up and joined in, and you left because you thought this was all some kind of lesson?
CHRISTOPHER: Umm… yes, that’s basically what happened. I’m sorry, we didn’t think it would get out of hand!
PROSECUTOR: Do you know who started the fire that caused all this?
CHRISTOPHER: No idea, sir.
PROSECUTOR: Did any of the other people you were there with have any idea?
CHRISTOPHER: No, sir. We didn’t even try to guess. It didn’t occur to anyone.
PROSECUTOR: And you went home after that?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes, it was very late by then.
PROSECUTOR: Did anything happen after that?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes, were pulled over by police, and we got in trouble for being out after curfew since we were both under 18.
PROSECUTOR: Thank you, Mr. Bland, you may step down.
CHRISTOPHER: Thank you.
(The witness leaves the stand.)
PROSECUTOR: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there is only one person on earth who could have started the fire at the Village Booksmith. There is only one person on earth who had any reason to start it. And that person is our defendant. I call to the stand…
Son of Stuck Funky 
We will get to no Moore or no Les than the truth.
This definitely makes more sense than whatever version is in Batiuk’s head. (But didn’t bother to put in the actual comic, of course.)
Still Today’s Crankshaft
(Meanwhile in Westview, (because what the narrator is about to say is far more interesting than Crankshaft nowadays is) Dick Facey and some spiky haired dude with a legendary widow’s peak named Vegeta are engaged in a fistfight when some unnatural force lifts Dick Facey into the sky, the person responsible walks into sight, it’s Son Goku)
Vegeta: KAKAROT!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
(Goku closes his fist, causing Dick Facey to explode into millions of blood-stained bone fragments)
Vegeta: NO FAIR, KAKAROT! I WANTED TO BE THE ONE TO FINISH HIM OFF! (suddenly calms down) How did you manage to do that? I thought only Frieza could do that!
Goku: Trust me, Vegeta. You’re better off not knowing.
Bum bum bummmmmmm!
This should’ve been from yesterday, but:
BJ6K: “Funky Winkerbean was pushing band room posters and “Dinkles” shoes in the 1980s.”
“Dinkles shoes”? WTF were those? Jackboots? And if those were real, why didn’t they name them “DinkleToes”?
Oh, they were very much real. I wore them. At a passing glance, they would appear to be standard gym shoes, only without any kind of decoration. They weren’t very comfortable. It’s part of the reason why I even knew what FW was back when I was in high school. This was late 90’s.
Your…words, they’re in English, but their meaning is incomprehensible. How could these “Dinkle shoes” possibly be real?
(googles)
OH MY GAWD THEYRE REAL, WHY ARE THEY REAL
AND A RIDER CAME ON A PALE HORSE, WEARING DINKLES
No…It cannot be! IT CANNOT STILL BE ALIVE!
https://dinkles.com/about/meet-harry-dinkle/
TOM: “As is my custom, I was grousing to myself about having to write when I could’ve been goofing off, with little inkling of what the Muse had in store for me that night.”
The groused Muse? It DINKLED him. (insert deranged Renfield laugh; eats bug)
The irritating thing is the smirking refusal to understand what an oppressive bore Dinkle is.
The most unbelievable thing is that one of Les’ students would believe that Les had made any effort at all to get his class to learn…
I kid, I kid. Well done. I love a good reference to The Wave.
Today’s Crankshaft
Day four of the Unsnarkable Week: Even I’m having insane difficulty snarking on this week because it’s just Crankshaft
Today’s Past Batiukverse Strips: Week of September 13th, 1999 of Funky Winkerbean
He’s gonna shave their heads, isn’t he?
Bulk: I don’t think you need to shave my head, Coach. I shave it every week.
Linda: Les, get me a crowbar so I can beat that fat fuck to death.
What makes this hard to watch is not that Linda fell for the okeydoke…..Bull did too.
Nice! Another enjoyable chapter, Banana Jr. 6000. To take a couple of Batiuk’s nameless one-and-done high schoolers and create an entire narrative about them that fits the events of the story arc is most impressive. I also thought it was clever how you matched their hairstyles to those of a couple characters in the crowd scenes.
I look forward to reading the next chapter, in which the defendant is hopefully grilled to an unrecognizable crisp.
🤞🤞🤞
Today’s Crankshaft
I have no idea what’s going on in today’s strip and I have no intention trying to understand because it’s just crankshaft wondering about the hokey pokey
it’s a direct rip-off of a Jimmy Buffett song that’s about 20 years old.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmNEDnqY5QI
I don’t know that the concept is original to Jimmy — I’m pretty sure it isn’t — but you have to know that’s where Tom heard it. And then figured he could 𝗍̶𝗈̶𝗍̶𝖺̶𝗅̶𝗅̶𝗒̶ ̶𝗌̶𝗍̶𝖾̶𝖺̶𝗅̶ ̶𝗂̶𝗍̶ pay tribute to it.
I think it’s also a gag with Alice Ghostley’s Bernice Clifton character on “Designing Women.”
That went off the air over thirty years ago.
Everybody runs for Hokey Pokey
Hear the ringing on the ice-cream bell
He’s got the stuff that’ll cool you right down
It’s the best that they ever did sell
It’s the best that they ever did sell
(Richard Thompson)
Tomorrow, Ed will sleeplessly thrash about thinking “How come we park in a driveway, but we…” and then fall asleep, joining his readers in utter boredom.
Or mayhap, scream in the night. Pam rushes in yelling “WHAT?!” And Ed incoherently yells “CHICKEN BUTT!” “Dad, dad–Why?” “CHICKEN THIGH!”
Chicken butt? What does Lillian’s hairstyle have to do with it?
As I said in the comments in a past blog, it would be cool to dress up as Lillian at Halloween. To wear a dead-chicken wig, thick-framed coke-bottle bottom glasses, and a granny dress. The problem is, I can imagine the reception: A tepid reaction after all that effort.
Friend: Who are you supposed to be?
Me: (proudly) Lillian McKenzie from the comic strip, Crankshaft!
Friend: I don’t know who that is. You read comic strips?
I once took my 14 yr old lady cat to the vet. He checked her teeth, and happily said “She’s got the mouth of a five year old!”
I thought “That can’t be right! She’s never called me Poopy Head!”
(I have 8 nieces and nephews. They are now also spawning. Currently six next gens, I think. I expect Poopy Head Accusations will continue for the rest of my life)
Ah, yes, “poopy head”. An important part of any kindergarten name-calling arsenal.
You appear to have a big family. Are they all located in Connecticut near you? Are there splut family reunions?
New Jersey has the Jersey Devil. In the woods of Connecticut, if you listen carefully, you can hear the call of the wild splut. I think I hear it now (cups hand around ear).
(Off in the distance) “Poopy head!”
“You appear to have a big family. Are they all located in Connecticut near you? Are there splut family reunions?”
My mother and 3 sisters all live in the same town where we grew up. 3 of them are within 2 miles of each other–literally walking distance.
I live the next town over, so “next to” that I can see the border from my front window. A niece lives within walking distance of me; a nephew is in another adjacent town.
There is a nephew diaspora. One’s in MA, maybe an hour’s drive, so maybe he doesn’t count. Others are in MD, GA, and the Bahamas. He dated his future wife for months before she admitted that she wasn’t from the USA, but Nassau. Apparently having parents who are multimillionaires attracts a lot of fake friends. (How rich? Their neighbors included Sean Connery and Johnny Depp)
I see my soon-to-be 92 Mom every other week. The rest I see on major holidays. I loved it when coworkers would ask “How was your holiday?” and I’d say “The usual. Buncha drunks screaming at each other.” They’d gasp, then I’d explain that some family members get drunk and very loud. We’re all the wittiest person in the room, so YELL YOUR JOKE BEFORE ANYONE ELSE CAN GET A WORD IN!!!
I may be making my family sound like they have alcohol problems, but most of them are social drinkers, and thus have very little concept of how drinking works. Don’t grab another Cosmo, wait 20 minutes until the last one’s kicked in. This is how one gets ejected for rowdiness at fuckin’ Midnight Mass. Like how nothing was worse in the 90s than a “straight-edge” kid deciding to try drinking. I decided to bail on a bachelor party when one had waaay too much. Next time I saw the guy who gave him a ride to the after-party said “You made a good choice. About 5 minutes into the drive, he began projectile vomiting all over my car! It was like a sprinkler system going off!”
Eve: “(Off in the distance) “Poopy head!””
This is why the GC commenters hate us. They have to face the fact that we’re just funnier than the strip they profess to love!
Today’s Crankshaft is what happens when you define muddled aphorisms downward.
Today’s Unsnarkable Crankshaft
This week of Crankshaft is just too boring the standards of the Batiukverse
makes the Byrnings itself look somewhat exciting by comparison
Today’s Past Batiukverse strips: Week of March 13th, 2000 of Funky Winkerbean
Ha ha it’s funny because this foreshadows Funky and Cindy’s divorce in 2002
Les: It’s the breast implants you got a couple of years ago just to get Funky to marry you, isn’t it? (cs notes: that’s my headcanon)
EW EW EW EW WHAT IS WITH CINDY BLUSHING IN PANEL 3
Les: Though I remember the time when Wicked Wanda beat the shit out of you and turned your face into a unrecognizable mess for trying to kill her a couple a weeks prior.
Today’s Crankshaft
ha ha it’s funny because Lena is atrociously bad at bowling