Epicus Doomus

The Undocumentarian

Stay tuned for the incredible snark stylings of Beckoning Chasm, starting tomorrow!!!

An extremely rare Sunday strip arc wrap-up today, as Jessica decides that after almost three years in the planning stages and one day in production she will not allow “Hollywood” to wrap its disgusting filthy immoral paws around her pet project, instead opting to forget all about it and settle for occasionally filming various ceremonies and parties for the local townies instead. Aim high, strong female character, aim high!

See, I thought the original question was “what was JD really like?” but actually it was “did my father ever play Barbie with me?” instead. And now that she knows the answer and has seen actual video proof, her ambition and passion for the project have vanished completely. I see. And by that I mean “I see why they live above Montoni’s”. Aim low, baby Skyler, aim low!

And a typically keen observation from Boy Lisa, who seems oddly content with his wife’s fickle nature. Perhaps someday he’ll run into the doctor who screwed up Lisa’s medical chart that time so HE can get some closure too! That’d be swell.

It’s been a great two weeks here at SoSF HQ but now it’s time to pass the batom (get it?) to our next guest snarker and time for me to hit the bourbon and airplane glue in an attempt to purge the last four weeks from my memory. Until next time, stay Barbie…err, I mean Funky!

Cojoined Twits

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“Nice job, Jess”…obtaining a working VCR? Managing to insert the tape properly? Or is Boy Lisa implying that they’re actually watching Jessica’s completed JD documentary and if so, huh? Did I miss something while I was trying to tune out the incessant Barbie-ing? She stopped filming WEEKS ago, so in short, what the f*ck is he talking about? But hey, she made it back home without losing an arm or becoming seriously interested in comic books, so maybe she merits a “good job” after all. Gotta consider the “big picture”, I suppose.

“You’re Barbie”, “I’m Barbie”, “I’m you’re Barbie”, “you’re my Barbie”…ENOUGH ALREADY WE GET THE POINT! I mean wow, this is overkill even by FW standards. Four straight days of it, too, just sheer bludgeoning repetition solely for the sake of it. He’s actually patting himself on the back repeatedly during a self-congratulatory/vanity project arc based on an old comic strip he used to write…now that’s self-absorption on a grand scale.

So what did we learn here? Well for starters, Jessica IS Barbie! We also learn that Jess is quite easily distracted, never follows through on anything and cannot be counted upon to recall her own memories correctly without video verification. But a long-dead character cared about her very much and in the Funkyverse that’s what matters most of all, no?

That rendition of Skyler’s head in panel one merits immediate inclusion in the SoSF Hall Of Fame and if it isn’t unanimous I will be quite disappointed. Spectacular, it’s like a moonrise.

Darling Fatigue Syndrome

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After the nausea, gagging and violent retching subsided a little, I asked myself where this arc stands among FW’s all-time worst three weeks-or-longer arcs. Then I realized it’s like a twenty-thousand-way tie for first and the tie breaker formula is just too complicated to get into here. Let’s just say that it really sucked big-time and it’s way up there on the list and leave it at that.

FW doesn’t get more twee than it does in today’s panel three, that’s for sure. Anything that revoltingly saccharine really should come with a warning. And she’s a pretty, uh, mature “baby” today too, but when you just have your heart set on a particular premise there’s no reason why you can’t retcon the shit out of it to make the premise fit, right? Happens all the time. It’s called writing, people.

Batom is world renowned for his novel use of repetition, but this is ridiculous. Ridiculous. His constant repetition is ridiculous. See how ridiculous that is? And I’ve never even been nominated for a Pulitzer or anything. Yet even I understand how ridiculous the constant repetition is and how, in theory, it could potentially induce murderous rage in others. The repetition, I mean.

Surprise Reprise

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Today Batom inexplicably repeats the (ahem) “big reveal” for no apparent reason other than to reaffirm its cleverness to himself, I guess. Or maybe he just assumes that his regular readers are so stupid that they’ll forget JD’s last words unless they’re hammered into their brains repeatedly. Or maybe, just maybe, he’s a total hack who couldn’t think of a better way to end this ponderous story without resorting to mindless meandering and pointless repetition. I personally think it’s a little bit of all three.

And JD, I think everyone would be surprised if Jessica takes up chess. Very, very surprised. Almost as surprised as I’ll be if this arc doesn’t end on an even more nauseating note than it struck today.

The Princess Snide

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Uh no, Jessica. Unlike you, your mother shot footage that actually turned out to be useful to someone, even if it was only you. Unless she meant it as a self-deprecating remark about how much she (Jessica) sucks at film making, in which case bleh, tell us something we don’t know. Either way, chalk it up as just another failed TomBat “joke”, pure word balloon filler. I assumed he’d have them ponder and/or actually retrieve the videos for a day or two but nope, it’s wham-bam-thank you, man, for not dragging it out for another week and a half. Knock on wood.

But seriously, she knew exactly where she’d find the answer to the big “Barbie” last words mystery but she couldn’t figure it out before she actually saw the footage? And her reaction upon seeing this mystery-solving footage is to make a snide and/or self-deprecating remark about camera-handling skills? Either way it’s peculiar, from both a plot development and writing choice standpoint. I mean she can’t resist cracking wise and humble-bragging even as the moment she’s been waiting for plays out on the screen in front of her? So what is it that I’m supposed to “like” about this character, exactly?