Author: oddnoc

Montoni’s pizza is people! It’s people!

In today’s strip, a slouching, lumpy Les McHarris carries a Montoni’s Pizza box home for his long-suffering wife. The box is completely white, but for “Montoni’s” and “Pizza” inscribed only on the edges. It is otherwise unadorned.

In panel 1, a hungry, hungry Cayla Wrich greets her mate with bitter sarcasm. “Our ‘meals on wheels,’” she begins with ominous scare quotes, “took a while…” She pauses menacingly, like a sharp-pincered scorpion. Venom drips from her tail. “I expected you sooner.”

“I tried calling and texting you to see what was holding you up,” she does not add, because that would interfere with the narrative, which involves characters behaving unlike any actual human.

“I got hung,” panel 2 has Les beginning succinctly, “up while I was in the process of agreeing to take over the chairmanship of my high school class reunion celebration event,” he continues, goes on, and says at length.

The final panel would have been better had Cayla stabbed Les with her foot-long stinger, cutting him apart with her claws, and devouring him. Instead, we get the punchline.

“Surely, you’re joking, Mr. Munyon.”

“Do you see me laughing?”

Do you see the readers laughing?

You’re probably a craven liar like everyone else in Hollywood, Ms. Soyring

“My pal Pete Ratti,” declaims Derwood Faroni in today’s strip, “would be perfect for putting words into the mouth of Mason Jarr.

“Fortunately, Les, my sort-of stepfather, whose wife Lisa died of cancer, has warned me about you Hollywood types, so I expect you to betray me,” he continues.

Also: The artiste works in a few bricks in panel 1, and uses ¾ perspective in panel 2 to go wild with a brick sidewalk.

“Oh, yeah, Lisa was my birth mother.”

Your head is much smaller in person, Ms. Schiferl

“I’m Darin Fairgood,” exclaims Durrhey Faroni, as he madly runs down a bemused Cindy Sitts in today’s strip. And, boy, has he got a recommendation for her! His old pal, Pete Persall, the recently canned former author of the Mr. Sponge comics.

Cindy, meanwhile, has no idea what Durrhey is going on about, even though she’s dating the lead in the Starbuck Jones movie, and has literally just left a conversation with Les about needing a script doctor for that comic-book-based project.

In BanTom’s ongoing War on Human Proportions, today the heads are tiny, when sometimes they’re as big as torsos. And so it goes.

And yes, I’m using a computer to generate random last names for all the characters. It’s the only way I can keep up with Tom Batiuk.

Westview maps, not like the Google ones

If there is a teacher at Westview High less competent than Les Moore, it’s Jim Kablichnick, the ostensible teacher of science, as today’s strip aptly demonstrates. And, argh! Is this the intro to the annual “school levy fails” arc? Have we had that yet this cycle (I can’t be arsed to check)? Let me tell you—I’m a dyed-in-the-wool liberal, but I’d vote against this band of nincompoops getting any more tax money!

“[T]he map” in Jim’s classroom “was so old,” he tells Linda, who fails to reply, “How old was it?”

“[T]he continents, which are major land masses surrounded by water, too large to be considered mere islands—the continents, I say—the continent of South America and the continent of Africa—those continents were still conjoined, united, and fitted together in some sort of ‘super’ continent, which would be a nice topic for a comic book,” Jim does not quite say, although Bantom cannot prevent himself from composing Jim’s speech in a loquacious manner, because—I don’t know—he’s never heard of The Elements of Style’s admonition to “omit needless words.” Also, Jim thinks his colleagues are ignoramuses who don’t know what South America and Africa are.

This might have been a mildly amusing joke if not for two flaws.

  1. The punchline should have read like one of these
    • And the map was so old that Africa and South America were still joined together.
    • And the map was so old, it only showed Pangaea.
    • And the map was so old, it had “here be dragons” instead of Florida.
    • And the map was so old, it had Amerigo Vespucci’s autograph.
  2. This image of a smartphone in Les’s delicate hands, from yesterday’s strip:
    If only there were some way to see up-to-date maps in 2015! If only!
    If only there were some way to see up-to-date maps in 2015! If only!

Strips like this drive me to drink, and for that, and that only, thank you, Tom Batiuk!

Here endeth my current stint as your guest snarker. Many thanks to TFH! The gloriously acid-tongued Epicus Doomus takes over tomorrow.