Sorry…Sorry Indeed

Link To Today’s Abomination

Well, I would think that getting Adam Sandler to replace Mason f*cking Jarr would be quite a coup for a shitty little made-for-cable TV film. I mean the quality of his work aside, he IS a real “movie star” who manages to crank out a film every year or two like clockwork, plus he’s a major “name” with a fan base and everything. In fact, Sandler might actually be a good choice to play a smug neurotic asshole with a knack for being annoying, as it’s pretty much his main stock character.

But naturally Les replies with deadpan disdain, as he’s Very Serious Artist and not some clown who’s dancing to Hollywood’s depraved and vapid tune anymore. He’s using the ol’ kill fee (which Batom never even bothered to explain, BTW) to put this sordid chapter of his post-cancer book life behind him for good. No siree, no more Hollywood bullshit for the Delicate Genius. You either play by the cancer book’s rules or you don’t play at all.

Interesting to see Author Guy taking a direct potshot like that, I wonder if he’s “real life” pals with Sandler or something? That can’t be…can it? I’m sure that Sandler is merely TB’s stand-in for all lowbrow Hollywood dreck, an easy target. Anyone responsible for “writing” a piece of garbage as bad as this story is shouldn’t be knocking anyone for anything if you ask me. Sure, Sandler’s movies might be painfully bad but I’d wager that any one of his most awful films is still funnier than all of Act III combined, absolutely no doubt. I guess it’s easy for a guy like BatTom to take snarky little digs at at celebrities, working as he is in near-total anonymity and all.

And unless he ends up fleshing out this “SJ” movie fantasy (shudder) it looks like that’s all for Mason Jarr. I honestly always felt bad for the guy. Imagine being cast as Les Moore in a movie, I mean THAT’S indignity.

The Line Starts Behind You, Beardo

Link To Today’s Strip

Well, I’m no PROFESSIONAL WRITER or anything, but according to the definition of “kill fee” that I read, it’s more like a guarantee in case a writer’s work ends up not being used through no fault of their own. However, in the Batiukverse it appears to be a fee Les collects when he just doesn’t feel like working anymore, which is completely moronic on every level. So Les lives it up for a few months in a first-class, fully-paid for hotel suite, does no “writing” at all, then collects a “kill fee” when he decides to up and quit without any notice whatsoever? OK Tom, whatever you say. TB’s vision of “reality” gets weirder and weirder every day.

And then, just to remind everyone why Les is the most despised character in the entire history of fiction, he makes a little “joke” implying that’s he’s just exasperated to death by “Hollywood” and the “LFL” production. Always with the cynical obnoxious wisecracks, the Dick With Ears never fails to live up to his reputation. The jerk gets a golden opportunity just dropped right into his lap and all he can do with it is simper, whine and complain about it, non-stop. Utterly ridiculous and stunningly stupid, even by FW’s pitifully low standards.

Escape From Bitch Mountain

Link To Today’s Strip

The big dramatic turning point in Author Guy’s big “Lust For Lisa” arc is Les remembering there’s a “kill fee” clause in his contract. A lazy writer writing a lazy story about a lazy writer who’s found a loophole enabling him to collect money for doing less work. Welcome to the Funkyverse, where indecision and cowardice are attributes and Les Moore is a paragon of virtue.

Le Chat returns from out of nowhere to deliver some of the most cringe-worthy dialog ever…”happy off the table”…”the bipolar express”…dear God that is atrocious, just reeking of “try-hard”. After two weeks of pointless meandering crap he suddenly wants to get all faux-angsty again? Over a guy who’s pleased as punch to have found a way to quit his job and still get paid? Via that irritating imaginary cat? Les isn’t “bipolar”, he’s just a selfish jerk who basks in the misfortunes of others, that’s all.

And yikes, he’s just incredibly punchable today, strutting around and smirking because he’s ready to ruin everything for everyone just because he can. It’s rage inducing to say the least. If TB is trolling us and going for peak Les objection-ability here, well f*cking done indeed, my man. If not, well, wow.

 

Lost In Lingo

Link To Today’s Strip

“The kill fee is a negotiated payment on a magazine or newspaper article that is given to the freelancer if their assigned article is “killed” or cancelled. This is generally expressed as a percentage of the total payment, and is used to give the freelancer confidence in putting their efforts into an assignment which may not make it to the final magazine edition, in the case of, for example, space issues or other change of plans.”

That’s the first definition I found but I assume it could apply to any sort of similar project. Now how can you not love a comic strip that requires you to look stuff up in order to understand what in the hell is going on? At first I assumed that a “kill fee” was a bonus that The Syndicate awarded to Batiuk whenever he rubbed-out a “beloved” character for some easy media attention. But I was wrong, it’s actually PROFESSIONAL WRITER’S lingo, you know, deep “insider” stuff. Fascinating, isn’t it? Les is SO INTELLIGENT that he immediately wakes up and begins thinking about things regular folk have to look up to understand, as tens of said folk will no doubt do upon reading today’s bit of stupid claptrap. Although that estimate does seem a tad high.

Les has a dream about a hot old-timey Hollywood actress trying to seduce him and, of course, he dies. Even his fantasies end with someone dying, it’s uncanny and pretty sick too. Anyhow, I guess Dickface’s sudden and quite stupid realization means he’s found a loophole, with which he’ll be able to escape the drudgery of his five-star hotel suite and the hellish agony of being paid to bitch, sneer, sleep and spin ponderous yarns about opera singers and hardware. AND he’ll still get paid! What a lucky break! It’s high time that the hero of the strip tells these no-good Hollywood phonies where they can stick their patience and generosity, you know? Asking Les to re-write the script so Lisa doesn’t die at the end? That’s the biggest insult you can hurl at Lestom, short of telling him that Lisa was a crappy character who no one liked.

So where do we go from here? Your guess is as good as mine. Is Les going to “throw” the script and “write” something un-useable or will he simply simper back home to Westview and pontificate to the losers about how awful “Hollywood” was for him? It figures that he’d hang around for weeks being a whiny putz, then befriend the cast and crew, THEN dick them all over by quitting out of nowhere thanks to a moronic dream he had. In “real life” someone would have blown his head off years ago. And no jury in the land would convict anyone for that as it’d obviously be totally justifiable, regardless of the circumstances. What. A. Dick.

 

I Was Sorta Hoping You’d Tell Us, Clay

Link To Today’s Strip

Good question, Clay. It appears to be a bunch of little black dots on the floor, although I suppose it MIGHT be a “clue” involving a very important and totally unexpected plot twist that somehow would make this week become at least somewhat coherent…oh, he means the trenchcoat, doesn’t he? Sigh. Forget everything I just said.

Wow, that’s some hatchet face on Clay in panel one. All in all the artwork this week hasn’t been all that awful, I’ll give him that much. It doesn’t come close to making up for the content, though, which has been absolutely stuporous. I lost the “plot thread” a few days back, now it’s like being in the dentist’s chair, gripping the armrests and hoping that whatever he’s doing ends as mercifully and painlessly as possible. Hey, maybe some nitrous oxide would help this make more sense…..damn it, nope. Still baffled.