Bull – Page 38 – Son of Stuck Funky

Bull’s Story

So, the dreaded Les at last makes his appearance just to rub Bull’s disappointments into his face. This is why this comic strip is nowhere near reality, because in reality, Les would have been murdered long ago…by the entire town. When the cops came, it would be like that scene in Spartacus. “I am Les Moore’s murderer.” “I am Les Moore’s murderer.” “I am Les Moore’s murderer.”

There should be an eighth panel in today’s strip:

It would have shown panel six’s wagging finger snapped off and jammed down Les’ throat. Bull would stand behind, arms folded. “Yeah, Les,” he’d say, smirking. “You know exactly how I feel. You were given massive amounts of money, took two years to do your job, were flown out first class to Hollywood, were wined and dined and fawned over. You whined and moaned the entire time until you managed to kill the production, and you got to keep the money, all because they wanted to make your sacrosanct story into one that people might actually be interested in seeing. I, however, did everything I was supposed to do, and got screwed over by Fate. So, yeah, you sure know exactly how I feel. Now you know how Frodo feels.”

It just seems pointless to remind Tom Batiuk, Author, that Les gleefully killed the production of “Lisa’s Story.” The job of Hollywood Screenwriter was his for the taking and he threw it away because it made him a little fish in a big pond, where he just wasn’t special anymore.

Mr. Batiuk, when you yourself can’t even remember the details of your own work, I feel absolutely no guilt in mocking it.

There’s just something evil about Les in today’s offering. Look at him happy and smirking in panels three and seven (I’m counting the masthead), looking so pleased with himself that he can dig into his old nemesis’ wounds and jerk a little pain out. The fact that he still lives makes this strip far more of a fantasy than Starbuck Jones could ever aspire to achieve.

Of all the characters in this strip, few inspire as much sheer hatred in me as Les Moore. There’s one other who comes close, and you’ll never guess what my Guest Host Superpowers are revealing to me even as we speak!

A Bigger Blight

Link to today’s strip.

Not much to say about this one, as the Bull-DUI arc sputters to a halt, shuddering, wheezing and leaking oil. I’m honestly not sure what to make of Linda, here–I get that she’s trying to cheer Bull up, but it really sounds (in the context of this strip) that seeing Bull lose big-time is a genuine turn-on for her. Ewww…creepies, Mudhead! I guess since they have two kids…well, let’s see…Bull’s father must have died of cancer, and his mother in a car accident? Or maybe Bull lost a couple of toes, or has glaucoma? Something tragic, right? Something to get those old fires burnin’?

Bull as a character is nowhere near the loathsome levels of such cyclopean blasphemies as Les Moore, Harry Dinkle or John Howard. I never think, “Oh God, no,” when he shows up, and I rarely feel like I should be smashing him with a bat. He’s just really, really boring and nothing of his world is presented as interesting. (Yes, I know you could say that about every scenario in the strip, including those which clearly engage Tom Batiuk’s interest. It just seems more obvious where Bull is concerned.)

Like almost all of the female characters, Bull just seems like a sad, stupid lump that gets tossed around by fate without any real understanding of the forces working against him. He never progresses and, naturally, never learns.

And there’s always that nagging feeling radiating from the strip that he somehow deserves it, that his past as a bully (whether that’s been ret-conned or not) has set his fate in stone.

If only he was a comic-book fan. That way–the path of the Sacred Book–lies salvation, and even an old sinner like Bull might find his destiny written within those Pages.

If only the damned old bully could read.

A Dash Of Hope

Link to today’s strip.

Here we see the problem with Mr. Brian Steinberg’s piece on Funky Winkerbean, much discussed over the past couple of days. The claim was made that Tom Batiuk likes to handle the tough issues, and here we see how he does it–after weeks and weeks of build-up, the “Diversity University Ironton” story is deflated with its defining moment happening off-stage. All we get is the pitiful aftermath.

So, yeah, there’s the Tom Batiuk we all know and love. No matter the story or the theme, it’s always the same–let’s build up the hopes of someone who isn’t Les over and over, and then, in an instant, let’s dash those hopes to the ground, so that they can never be reassembled. Make those characters know their place. As I’ve said on many occasions, I believe Tom Batiuk really hates these characters (except for the ones named Moore) and today’s offering looks like more evidence.

Contrast this with the loathsome Les Moore, on whom fortune shines at all times, and to whom giant checks come calling regularly. Les’ disappointments are all those of the Superior Man confronted by those incapable of appreciating his Genius and Insight. Which sounds, so, so familiar, and quite frankly isn’t helped by pieces such as Mr. Steinberg’s telling Tom Batiuk that he is on an exciting course into uncharted territory. Again, no disrespect is meant to either Mr. Steinberg or Mr. Batiuk, but I sure don’t see any better with this vision.

About that aftermath. I’m assuming–always a bad idea–that Bull was told by DUI that they were considering other candidates, and he passed this info along to his wife, who therefore had no reason to mail a resignation letter…but that’s making an awful lot of assumptions for an idiot like Bull and a shrew like Linda. If DUI didn’t tell him this, then that seems pretty shady. I wonder if, in a month or two, we’ll hear (third-hand, of course) that DUI is being investigated for various things and is probably going to be closed down. It’ll give Bull the chance for a smirk if nothing else.

If the letter went out, will the board let Bull keep his job anyway? Probably, as he has just won a championship…but I bet they’d eye him askance from now on, since he has indicated he would jump ship in a heartbeat in the middle of the semester. (I’m assuming Westview has things like signed contracts, and they tend not to tolerate them being casually violated.)

Bull’s lack of loyalty actually gives him something in common with the unseen and unnamed fellow who scored the DUI job–they’re both opportunists who cannot be counted on and have no loyalty to anyone. Which seem like sound survival traits in the Funkyverse.

Gesturing for Help

Link to today’s strip.

It sure looks to me as if Bull is trying to communicate entirely with gestures in panel one–if his mouth is open at all, it’s sure not open enough to let any words escape. Not that words are a specialty of Bull–or of Tom Batiuk–but I’m hoping his webcam can capture all that expansive waving.

Whatever his hands are saying, his face in both panels says it all: please give me a reason, any reason, to turn down the offer. I’m depending on you to save me.

However, both virtual women seem to hate Bull as much as Linda does, and gleefully tell him that he needs to put his neck on the block. Bull’s expression in panel two is an excellent example of the Oh…crap face. I am doomed!

Speaking of the virtual women, the one on the right is Mickey (whom I had never heard of before her reappearance earlier this month–and she sure added a lot, didn’t she). Is the one on the left Jinx? I don’t think I’ve ever seen her before, but she sure has aged a lot since high school. Did we miss a time jump–or is one on the way, and Jinx was first in its path. Those things are like tornadoes, never know when one’s going to hit, to touch down, to pass over and change everything.

If we do jump forward another decade, I’m betting tomorrow’s episode will show Bull returning to Westview High. “Boy, I sure am glad that I finally quit that job I had, of athletic director, over at Diversity University Ironton! It was a hard job, and it made me tired! Now I am back where I started, at Westview High School, having returned from Diversity University Ironton, where I was working–and living! But I wasn’t really living…(panel ellipsis)

(panel ellipsis) (smirk) …until I came back here.”

Days of Whine and Roses

Link to today’s strip.

So, in paragraph one, Bull outlines Westview’s number one fear: My life will change. Ghastly, ghastly thought! No, no, no, life should be spent forever in one’s high school, in one’s birth town, among the only people you’ve known in your existence! Argh, away with you, change!

Bull then goes on in panel two to detail all the things he hates, wrapping up in the last panel with the fact that people will expect results from him in his new position. Linda thinks it’s just grand that more people will expect better results from Bull–after all, it means a better life for her and who cares if it stresses out Bull? He’s just a dumb jock!

It sure sounds to me like Bull is trying extra hard to talk himself out of taking the job. You can tell this is serious–they’re eating in a restaurant that is obviously not Montoni’s, a restaurant that has some half-seen pictures on the wall instead of inexplicable stains. Seriously, where is this place? Is it in Westview or–gasp–somewhere outside? Yikes! Obviously you’d only dine here if you were expecting some really bad news, or you knew you were going to die shortly.

Look at the poor old man in panel two, squinting to read the menu, hoping that the Act II Les Moore-shaped tumor sprouting from his head won’t kill him before he has a chance to eat something other than pizza. Quick, quick, he thinks. What’s something I’ve always wanted to try but was never able to until this moment of release? Uh…seafood? What’s that? Oh. My. God. My ticket is going to be punched at last!