Comic-Con – Page 15 – Son of Stuck Funky

Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Batmana?

Is…is Orange Batman a thing? I know I’ve occasionally passed through the toy aisle (on my way to the ammo section) and I’ve seen various colorful toy Batmen (Ski Attack Batman! Scuba Stealth Batman!) and some of them have been a bit on the loud side, but then those are toys, brightly colored to attract children and provide an excuse (you know, so Mom can’t say, “But Tom, you already have so many Batmen!” “But M0-om, look, he’s or-ange!”).

But I really am curious, is Orange Batman an actual comic book thing? A character that a Comic Con attendee would dress as–or is this one of the many variants of Robin? Or Bizarro Batman? Is he one of the Aquabats? Or is he a cos-player who exhibits the same attention to detail that some cartoonists do? The only reason I ask is because nothing else in this strip is interesting.

I mean, I would have thought that Holly’s credit card company would call her about an airline ticket before calling about buying some comic book. Unless, of course, this loose comic book, stuffed into a box to be rifled through by endless grimy thumbs, somehow has a price in the hundreds of dollars.

How much would it cost if it was slabbed and graded and all that? A cool million? Would it be so costly that Bruce Wayne himself couldn’t afford it?

The Buck Stops Her

Link to today’s strip.

At long last, Starbuck Jones himself appears in the strip, and proves to be just as much a dick as everyone else. Of course, this behavior was entirely expected.

Also expected: contact with Westviewians turns Monday’s happy, sleepy-eyed merchant into a bitter scowler. And readers into head-scratchers.

The thing is, you cannot have issue #115 of Starbuck Jones so rare that it is snatched up instantly when it makes a rare appearance, while simultaneously making it nothing special, a comic you throw into a box to be thumbed at. Which is it? “These comics have been going like hot cakes. Notice I said going like hot cakes, not selling like hot cakes. They were getting all gooey and rancid, so I threw them into this box because I hate hot cakes!”

I know it’s hard for ordinary, non-Pulitzer-nominated people to remember long, long ago, back to Monday’s strip–that’s almost, like, caveman days, right? But you’ll recall Holly had a list. On Tuesday she was pawing through a box. What happened in between? “Oh, you’ve got a list? Let me see. Starbuck Jones #115. Since the Starbuck Jones comics have been selling like crazy, you might try looking through these bargain-bin comics. I always keep my rare stuff in there, because I’m a maverick who thinks outside the (long) box.”

A lazy answer is that the Starbuck Jones series has a rabid cult of fans (enough so that some studio has an interest in making a movie), but the general comic-book public never warmed to it. So the fans look for issues, but no one else does. Might as well put it in the box, one of those idiots will buy it. Again, it’s a lazy answer. And I guess we’re all used to lazy answers here.

But the inconsistency is ridiculous. For anyone trying to tell a story, this is not the way to do it. This is the way a five-year-old tells stories. “But werewolves aren’t affected by crosses!” “Wait, did I say he was a werewolf? I meant he was a vampire werewolf!”

Speaking of lazy answers, whatever happened to the Funky Winkerbean blurb at Comic Kingdom, telling us it was a strip that detailed the sensitive problems of contemporary young adults in a detailed manner? I guess they just figured, “If you have to know what Funky Winkerbean is, well, abandon all hope…”

Pot Luck

Link to today’s strip.

Again, Holly is presented as a person with the keen observational powers of cement. “Starbuck Jones #115” she said, thumbing through comics, suddenly realizing that the words she had just spoken had a kind of meaning to her! Amazing.

Back when this whole “collecting comics” arc started, I made the assumption that Tom Batiuk was going to present something that would be meaningful and enjoyable to the folks in his audience who liked collecting comics. But time after time, I have to wonder if he’s insulting them instead. We were told this issue was the rarest of the rare, but twice now it’s been easily found among loose boxes of “ordinary” comics. This one doesn’t even look like it’s in a plastic bag or anything. So, much as I went on at some length about how Les’ Hollywood experiences were nothing at all like how the real world works, comic book fans must have the urge to do the same right about now.

It’s hard to think of anything in this strip where someone would say, “Wow, that’s so true!”

Other than, “The Funky Winkerbean cast is composed of unpleasant morons,” that is.

By the way, I think I’ve solved the Starbuck Jones #1 paradox. When it was originally published it was nothing special, and teen Funky bought it. Then fifty years later, it became really valuable in time for…for whatever happened to save Comic Head John or Montoni’s or whatever. I don’t know the story.

But then, a couple of years after that happened, an entire medical supply warehouse full of unopened boxes of Starbuck Jones #1 was found in Louisville, Kentucky, and the issue became pretty much worthless. (They found the boxes right next to the 245-Trioxin canisters.)

I think I put more thought into that than some people I could name.

To Each According to Her Needs

Link to today’s strip.

Hi folks, BChasm back for another round in the Fungeon. Let me start by saying that I like this guy’s booth — “Buying Comics” with a dollar sign on the right and presumably on the left. No beating around the bush for this guy! If you’re into buying comics, well, he’s your man.

Of course, except for eBay and the one she got for a dollar, Holly’s not into buying comics at all. So even if this guy has what she wants, she’ll either expect the issue for free because her son is in the service, or (as seems most likely given this universe) bemoan the unfairness of it all. Paying money for comic books? Why, the very idea!

The main takeaway from today’s strip, or any that feature Holly for that matter, is how relentlessly Tom Batiuk needs to display her…well, for lack of a better phrase, bottomless stupidity. We’re been told over and over that her purpose in attending Comic Con is to get one specific issue of one specific comic. How hard could it be to remember “Starbuck Jones 115”? I can remember it, and I haven’t even gone back to yesterday’s comic to look!

And yet…Holly has a list. A list, you’ll note, with four entries.

I suspect that list reads like this:

STAR

BUCK

JONES

#115

Yeah, I get the idea that she has a list so that Tom Batiuk can display some “clever” word-play. It seems to me that if, in order to seem clever, you have to make your characters dumber than rocks, something is wrong with the equation.

Bonus fun: place your thumb so that Holly’s hair is covered. Oh my God, that’s Funky Winkerbean’s profile!

Thor-ly Mythed

Do they have a building occupancy fire code in San Diego? Because if the “Bermuda Rectangle” is so packed that one can’t move, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. Wimpy John, who surely has been to these things before, is no help whatsoever escorting Holly through the crowd. When who should arrive on Holly’s cue: not God (who must be too busy tormenting the folks back in Westview), but a god, the God of Thunder; or maybe the God of Fluster, judging from Holly’s reaction.

Hey, being your host for the last couple weeks has been excruciating fun! Get ready for Beckoning Chasm’s turn in the barrel. See ya in the comments! —TFH