Les – Son of Stuck Funky

Murder In The Burnings: The Trial Continues!

Yes! This story is actually continuing! It’s not an April Fool’s prank, I promise you!

BAILIFF: All rise for the Honorable Collis D. Smizer.

JUDGE: As you were. Next up is the much-delayed case 53766673, the Village Booksmith fire. Now, Mr. Moore, do you have proper counsel?

MR. BREEF: I am Amicus Breef, from the law firm of Westview Community College Discount Legal Services. I will be representing the defendant, Les Moore.

JUDGE: Very good. Welcome, Mr. Breef. Our previous session ended in the middle of cross examination. Mr. Flaherty, would you like to continue?

CONTINUED CROSS EXAMINATION

(Les Moore, having duly been sworn in, testifies as follows:)

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, I was asking you if you remembered a student of yours named Eric “Mooch” Myers. This student of yours was found to have started two different fires in 1999: one during homecoming, and a second during an ordinary school day. Eric initially reported that second fire to the authorities, and was called a hero on local TV news for doing so.

PROSECUTOR: Do you remember these incidents?

LES: Yes.

PROSECUTOR: At the time, you yourself noted that Myers was seeking attention. Correct?

LES: Yes.

PROSECUTOR: I believe this is also why you started the Village Booksmith fire. You saw an opportunity to be the hero again, taking a bold stand against a non-existent enemy of literature. And you took full advantage of it.

LES: I would never put my own friends at risk.

PROSECUTOR: But you did. You already testified that you put Lillian McKenzie at risk, despite her being uncomfortable with this whole situation, when safer options were available. You also had Pete Roberts-Reynolds and Mindy Murdoch help you. Plus bookstore employees Amelia and Emily Matthews. You certainly didn’t mind putting any of them at risk! You let these people – your three friends, and two underage girls – worry about a threat that they thought was real. Eric Myers may have been your student, but it seems you learned a lot from him as well.

LES: Well, that’s what it means to be a teacher.

PROSECUTOR (ignoring Les): Which is also why the fire was laughably small. You didn’t want anyone to get hurt, or even for Lillian to suffer much property damage. Which is why you started the fire at the very bottom of the building’s wooden stairs, when copies of Fahrenheit 451, the supposed target of all this, were upstairs. And you knew that, because you just moved them up those stairs yourself!

This fire was so far away from the books that it couldn’t possibly have reached them. And, it was easily visible from the outside, so it would be seen and put out quickly. All of this is consistent with your motive of wanting to set a fire without actually burning anything.

On top of all that, creosote oil is a wood preservative, as well as a fire accelerant. Which would explain your choice of this unorthodox arson catalyst. You might as well have applied fire-resistant wood sealant to Lillian’s staircase before you set it on fire. Do you deny any of this?

LES: You’re proven nothing.

PROSECUTOR: And what of Lillian herself? She flat-out told you she didn’t feel safe, when you were the one she should have been afraid of all along! And you knew that! An elderly single woman who —

LILLIAN McKENZIE: I’m single because–

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: We know, Lillian!

JUDGE (banging gavel): Order!

(Order is restored.)

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, do you recognize this document?

LES: It appears to be a sales receipt for an online purchase.

PROSECUTOR: And can you tell the court what items were purchased?

LES: It’s– wait, what? You can’t pull this out on me at the last minute!

MR. BREEF: Your Honor, I object! I want to file a subpoena for the evidence!

LES: What?

(A brief, confused pause.)

JUDGE: Mr. Breef, all the evidence has already been presented, and provided to you. Are you suggesting there is a need to subpoena new evidence?

MR. BREEF: Umm…

JUDGE: Overruled. Lack of relevance. The counselor may continue.

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, this document was given to you during discovery, as was all the other evidence, when you were effectively pro se. It was also given to Mr. Breef as soon as he notified my office that he was your new counsel. We have the electronic records to prove this exchange took place. So I will ask you again, Mr. Moore: will you please tell the court what items were purchased in this receipt? You are under oath.

LES: Ummmm, creosote oil, and a copy of the book Lisa’s Story.

LES: But so what? Anybody could have bought those things.

PROSECUTOR: “A” copy of Lisa’s Story? Can you double-check the quantity?

LES: Uh, three.

PROSECUTOR: Three?

LES: Hundred.

LILLIAN (from the audience): Hey!

PROSECUTOR (in full “the defendant is full of shit and I’m about to prove it” mode): Now, who on earth needs to buy 300 copies of the same book? Other than the man who wrote that book, and does frequent public signings of that book?

LES: Maybe the buyer wanted to read it more than once?

(No one laughs.)

LILLIAN: You bastard!

JUDGE: Order! Ms. McKenzie, no more outbursts, or I will ask you to leave.

(Lillian sits down.)

PROSECUTOR: Can you also tell me the quantity of the creosote oil?

LES: 20 liters.

PROSECUTOR: And who is the purchaser on this invoice?

LES (scanning the document): Well, I can already see it’s not me, it’s the…

LES: Lisa’s Legacy Foundation.

PROSECUTOR: And are you the director of the Lisa’s Legacy Foundation?

LES: Yes.

PROSECUTOR (blatantly hamming it up now): Why does a charitable organization need creosote oil at all? Much less 20 liters of it?

LES: Is it too late to change my plea?

April fools! It really wasn’t a prank. I let this story sit way too long, and I thought it would be a nice surprise to finally deliver the goods. My re-telling of The Burnings will resume on a more regular basis soon. Really. Also, last year’s prank was going to be hard to top.

Past installments of the story were:

Prologue 1: If The Burnings Were A Movie, You’d Walk Out. Let’s Write A Better One.
Prologue 2: Murder In The Burnings: The Minor Suspects
Prologue 3: Murder In The Burnings: The Major Suspects
Chapter 1: Testimony Of Nate Green
Chapter 2: Testimony Of Arson Investigator
Chapter 3: Further Testimony Of Blaise Ashcomb
Chapter 4: Testimony Of Skip Rawlings
Chapter 5: Testimony Of Police Investigator
Chapter 6: Testimony Of Student
Chapter 7: Cross Examination Of Defendant
Chapter 8: Further Cross Examination Of Les Moore

Today’s installment was Chapter 9. Stay tuned for Chapter 10!

Remix

I mixed the last two Crankshaft strips into a much better joke.

Points for discussion:

Yes, I know Les is short for “Leslie.” But if Tom Batiuk can throw out decades of character history to make a joke work, so can I. It just makes the parody more realistic.
Is Lisa evil? Is she actually worse than Les? Les’ Muse Abuse sets the bar pretty high. But Lisa’s victim complex, need to be the center of attention, micromanagement of Les from beyond the grave, and complete disinterest in her child make this race closer than you’d think.
Have you noticed nobody in Westview actually watches or reads Lisa’s Story? As outlandish as the parody strip seems, it is 100% consistent with what we’re supposed to believe, that the movie was of Oscar quality. Pam and her dad having a nice movie night watching Lisa die again is a lot more plausible than them watching old Looney Tunes.
Murder In The Burnings will be resuming soon. There’s still a long way to go in the story, but I’ve been visited by Le Chat Bleu lately.

Testimony Of Nate Green

(NOTE: This begins my retelling of The Burnings. It uses information from the real comic strips to tell a much different story. Think of it as an “alternate universe” version of The Burnings. Be aware that court transcripts do not include stage directions, or descriptions of how forcefully or quietly the defendants spoke, just what they said.)

BAILIFF: All rise for the Honorable Collis D. Smizer.

JUDGE: Please be seated. We begin with case 53766673. Ah, this is the criminal trial for the Village Booksmith fire. Prosecution, you may call your first witness.

(Nate Green, having sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, testifies as follows:)

PROSECUTION: Please state your name for the record.

NATE: Nathaniel Green, but I go by Nate.

PROSECUTION: And you are the principal of Westview High School?

NATE: Yes.

PROSECUTION: And how long have you had that position?

NATE: I joined Westview High School in 1977 as a teacher, Al Burch retired in 1986, I was vice principal in 1988, and was principal by 2008.

PROSECUTION: Were you aware that Westview’s teacher Les Moore was teaching Fahrenheit 451 in class, even though this book was unapproved by the school board?

NATE: Yes.

PROSECUTION: Did you allow him to teach it?

NATE: No.

PROSECTION: Did you take any action to stop him from teaching it?

NATE: Yes. I specifically told him it wasn’t approved to order, and that meant “not approved to teach.”

PROSECUTION: What did you do when you discovered he was teaching the book anyway?

NATE: Nothing.

PROSECUTION: Why not?

NATE: Because I can’t do anything to Les Moore. For some reason, he’s got some kind of protected status in this community. I don’t dare discipline him. I get that he’s famous because of Lisa’s Story, but he’s honestly an awful teacher. He’s basically a tenured professor, and he knows it. I couldn’t even get rid of him when we had layoffs.

PROSECUTION: How is he an ineffective teacher?

NATE: Have you interviewed the guy yet? He’s elitist, condescending to his students, thinks he’s God’s gift to writing because of that book, wastes class time on pointless speakers he likes, and disappears for months at a time. One time he used his students to wage an in-school media war against me about copier usage, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

PROSECUTION: You couldn’t discipline him for that?

NATE: No. The school board said it would “upset the community.” The same school board he’s defying now.

PROSECUTION: You said he missed months at a time? You couldn’t discipline him for missing too many work days?

NATE: Oh, get this. Every time Les didn’t want to go to work, he took bereavement leave. He found out the school board never put a time limit on it, so he just kept mourning Lisa for decades. Then when it was time to make the movie, he spent months in Hollywood because he had a huge number of sick days saved up. Again, the same school board he’s defying now.

PROSECUTION: Did you know that Mr. Moore had instructed his students to pick up the books at Booksmellers, and later The Village Booksmith?

NATE: Well, he didn’t tell me, but you know, it’s high school. Kids talk, word gets around.

PROSECUTION: Did Mr. Moore say anything to you about this plan?

NATE: Of course not.

PROSECUTION: Did any parents contact you with concerns about the book being taught in class?

NATE: No.

PROSECUTION: What did you think when you heard about the Booksmellers fire?

NATE: I didn’t really believe it. It seemed far-fetched. Fahrenheit 451 is not an offensive book. It’s not the kind of book anybody would burn in protest. At the time, I thought maybe the fire was unrelated.

PROSECUTION: And what about the second fire?

NATE: Well, after the second fire, the school board called me in for a meeting. I guess they didn’t believe the first fire either.

PROSECUTION: What did you say?

NATE: Well, technically Les was right. The book wasn’t approved to order, and he didn’t order it. So he didn’t really do anything they could punish him for. I just told the board he did this without my permission or approval, which was true.

PROSECUTION: So Mr. Moore openly defied you and the school board?

NATE: Well, he found a loophole, but he knew he was defying their wishes. He gave me this smug speech about the list not being clear.

PROSECUTION: Did he ever say why he chose to teach the book when the list implicitly forbade it?

NATE: Hmm. He didn’t, now that you mention it. You know what else he did, though? This one time–

PROSECUTION: –okay, thank you, Mr. Green.

Bad Parenting From Beyond The Grave

So Tom Batiuk’s recent email newsletter started off with this December 2008 strip:

Comic Book Harriet wondered why Batiuk chose to highlight this seemingly random strip in his email newsletter. I have a different questrion:

Why did Tom Batiuk choose to include this absolutely disgusting strip in his email newsletter? Continue reading “Bad Parenting From Beyond The Grave”

Predicted Character Appearances In 2024

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year without Funky Winkerbean. Then again, has it really been a year without Funky Winkerbean? Those “new original Funky stories at from time to time” Tom Batiuk promised on his website never arrived. Because all the “new Funky stories” are going straight into Crankshaft. Why have web-exclusive content when you can just submit it as your day job?

Speaking of day jobs: my day job is working with financial data. Sports handicapping is a side interest. So I love making half-assed guesses from non-specific data. The great Comic Book Harriet has inspired me to apply these skills to the Funkyverse.

We just saw her third annual breakdown of character appearances in the Funkyverse. She also did this for the 2022 and 2021 years of Funky Winkerbean. I will to try and predict what the character appearances in Crankshaft in 2024 will be. I’m only interested in Funky Winkerbean characters, though. Characters like Lena and Keesterman belong in Crankshaft, so I don’t think they’re worth talking about here.

The count of FW characters in Crankshaft is a good data point to view how far Tom Batiuk is going to convert Crankshaft into The New Funky Winkerbean. For example: Pete Roberts/Reynolds was the sixth-most popular character in Crankshaft last year, behind only Ed, Lillian, and the Murdoch family. And all he did was go to Comic-Con, write Lillian’s author blurb, and re-open Montoni’s. In light of what we know about Montoni’s and Pete, that story arc only makes sense in ways that can be divided by zero. But Batiuk wanted Montoni’s back, so it’s back. I’ll speculate why in a moment.

Here are my predictions for the most prominent Funky Winkerbean characters in Crankshaft in 2024. I won’t guess exact counts, but a ranked order, and the probability each character will appear at all.