Tag: Les

Remix

I mixed the last two Crankshaft strips into a much better joke.

Points for discussion:

  • Yes, I know Les is short for “Leslie.” But if Tom Batiuk can throw out decades of character history to make a joke work, so can I. It just makes the parody more realistic.
  • Is Lisa evil? Is she actually worse than Les? Les’ Muse Abuse sets the bar pretty high. But Lisa’s victim complex, need to be the center of attention, micromanagement of Les from beyond the grave, and complete disinterest in her child make this race closer than you’d think.
  • Have you noticed nobody in Westview actually watches or reads Lisa’s Story? As outlandish as the parody strip seems, it is 100% consistent with what we’re supposed to believe, that the movie was of Oscar quality. Pam and her dad having a nice movie night watching Lisa die again is a lot more plausible than them watching old Looney Tunes.
  • Murder In The Burnings will be resuming soon. There’s still a long way to go in the story, but I’ve been visited by Le Chat Bleu lately.

Testimony Of Nate Green

(NOTE: This begins my retelling of The Burnings. It uses information from the real comic strips to tell a much different story. Think of it as an “alternate universe” version of The Burnings. Be aware that court transcripts do not include stage directions, or descriptions of how forcefully or quietly the defendants spoke, just what they said.)

BAILIFF: All rise for the Honorable Collis D. Smizer.

JUDGE: Please be seated. We begin with case 53766673. Ah, this is the criminal trial for the Village Booksmith fire. Prosecution, you may call your first witness.

(Nate Green, having sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, testifies as follows:)

PROSECUTION: Please state your name for the record.

NATE: Nathaniel Green, but I go by Nate.

PROSECUTION: And you are the principal of Westview High School?

NATE: Yes.

PROSECUTION: And how long have you had that position?

NATE: I joined Westview High School in 1977 as a teacher, Al Burch retired in 1986, I was vice principal in 1988, and was principal by 2008.

PROSECUTION: Were you aware that Westview’s teacher Les Moore was teaching Fahrenheit 451 in class, even though this book was unapproved by the school board?

NATE: Yes.

PROSECUTION: Did you allow him to teach it?

NATE: No. 

PROSECTION: Did you take any action to stop him from teaching it?

NATE: Yes. I specifically told him it wasn’t approved to order, and that meant “not approved to teach.”

PROSECUTION: What did you do when you discovered he was teaching the book anyway?

NATE: Nothing.

PROSECUTION: Why not?

NATE: Because I can’t do anything to Les Moore. For some reason, he’s got some kind of protected status in this community. I don’t dare discipline him. I get that he’s famous because of Lisa’s Story, but he’s honestly an awful teacher. He’s basically a tenured professor, and he knows it. I couldn’t even get rid of him when we had layoffs.

PROSECUTION: How is he an ineffective teacher?

NATE: Have you interviewed the guy yet? He’s elitist, condescending to his students, thinks he’s God’s gift to writing because of that book, wastes class time on pointless speakers he likes, and disappears for months at a time. One time he used his students to wage an in-school media war against me about copier usage, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. 

PROSECUTION: You couldn’t discipline him for that?

NATE: No. The school board said it would “upset the community.” The same school board he’s defying now. 

PROSECUTION: You said he missed months at a time? You couldn’t discipline him for missing too many work days?

NATE: Oh, get this. Every time Les didn’t want to go to work, he took bereavement leave. He found out the school board never put a time limit on it, so he just kept mourning Lisa for decades. Then when it was time to make the movie, he spent months in Hollywood because he had a huge number of sick days saved up. Again, the same school board he’s defying now. 

PROSECUTION: Did you know that Mr. Moore had instructed his students to pick up the books at Booksmellers, and later The Village Booksmith?

NATE: Well, he didn’t tell me, but you know, it’s high school. Kids talk, word gets around.

PROSECUTION: Did Mr. Moore say anything to you about this plan?

NATE: Of course not.

PROSECUTION: Did any parents contact you with concerns about the book being taught in class?

NATE: No.

PROSECUTION: What did you think when you heard about the Booksmellers fire?

NATE: I didn’t really believe it. It seemed far-fetched. Fahrenheit 451 is not an offensive book. It’s not the kind of book anybody would burn in protest. At the time, I thought maybe the fire was unrelated. 

PROSECUTION: And what about the second fire?

NATE: Well, after the second fire, the school board called me in for a meeting. I guess they didn’t believe the first fire either.

PROSECUTION: What did you say?

NATE: Well, technically Les was right. The book wasn’t approved to order, and he didn’t order it. So he didn’t really do anything they could punish him for. I just told the board he did this without my permission or approval, which was true.

PROSECUTION: So Mr. Moore openly defied you and the school board?

NATE: Well, he found a loophole, but he knew he was defying their wishes. He gave me this smug speech about the list not being clear.

PROSECUTION: Did he ever say why he chose to teach the book when the list implicitly forbade it?

NATE: Hmm. He didn’t, now that you mention it. You know what else he did, though? This one time–

PROSECUTION: –okay, thank you, Mr. Green.

Bad Parenting From Beyond The Grave

So Tom Batiuk’s recent email newsletter started off with this December 2008 strip:

Comic Book Harriet wondered why Batiuk chose to highlight this seemingly random strip in his email newsletter. I have a different questrion:

Why did Tom Batiuk choose to include this absolutely disgusting strip in his email newsletter? Continue reading “Bad Parenting From Beyond The Grave”

Predicted Character Appearances In 2024

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year without Funky Winkerbean. Then again, has it really been a year without Funky Winkerbean? Those “new original Funky stories at from time to time” Tom Batiuk promised on his website never arrived. Because all the “new Funky stories” are going straight into Crankshaft. Why have web-exclusive content when you can just submit it as your day job?

Speaking of day jobs: my day job is working with financial data. Sports handicapping is a side interest. So I love making half-assed guesses from non-specific data. The great Comic Book Harriet has inspired me to apply these skills to the Funkyverse.

We just saw her third annual breakdown of character appearances in the Funkyverse. She also did this for the 2022 and 2021 years of Funky Winkerbean. I will to try and predict what the character appearances in Crankshaft in 2024 will be. I’m only interested in Funky Winkerbean characters, though. Characters like Lena and Keesterman belong in Crankshaft, so I don’t think they’re worth talking about here.

The count of FW characters in Crankshaft is a good data point to view how far Tom Batiuk is going to convert Crankshaft into The New Funky Winkerbean. For example: Pete Roberts/Reynolds was the sixth-most popular character in Crankshaft last year, behind only Ed, Lillian, and the Murdoch family. And all he did was go to Comic-Con, write Lillian’s author blurb, and re-open Montoni’s. In light of what we know about Montoni’s and Pete, that story arc only makes sense in ways that can be divided by zero. But Batiuk wanted Montoni’s back, so it’s back. I’ll speculate why in a moment.

Here are my predictions for the most prominent Funky Winkerbean characters in Crankshaft in 2024. I won’t guess exact counts, but a ranked order, and the probability each character will appear at all.

Continue reading “Predicted Character Appearances In 2024”

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Batiuk?

Hey! Remember when Act III was mainly about Les Moore’s struggles as the single parent of a precocious teenage daughter? Well, then, go visit “The Komix Thoughts” right now and check out BatYam’s ad for “The Complete Funky Winkerbean Volume 3”, which drops on January 2nd, just in time for the holidays! He thoughtfully included a few holiday themed “teaser strips” in that post (just go there yourself, I don’t feel like linking to it) featuring Summer’s stunning election to the sophomore Winter Court, and going shopping for dresses with her bearded simp of a father. Those strips really took me back, and likewise reminded me that maybe getting away from Summer wasn’t Batty’s worst idea ever.