Tag Archives: Mason

Snow Job Snore

Cameras are FINALLY rolling in today’s strip, which is take 3 (why?) of the contents of this Sunday strip from January 31, 1999.

FW1-31-99

Yep, even when it was actually happening, Lisa’s story was pretty much all about Les.

Les didn’t write the script for this movie, and yet, this scene is almost verbatim what was actually said back in 1999. I guess he had nothing to fear after all as the script writer must have been clairvoyant… or perhaps just too lazy to even try to punch up a bland passage lifted wholesale from the Lisa’s Story book.

If Les cannot live through seeing actors recite his own words, he knows where the door is. Even if he somehow didn’t walk through it to get in the soundstage, maybe he parachuted in or was brought in bound and gagged inside of a trunk (my favorite theory), he saw Marianne do so.

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Abraham, Martin and Johns

Anybody here seen that old jerk Les Moore,
Can you please tell me that he’s gone?
He annoyed a lotta people, readers chiefly among
Y’know I just looked at today’s strip and he’s gone.

Anybody here seen any act-tion,
Can you tell me when it comes on?
There’s been a lotta panels, but it seems nothing has happened
I just looked at today’s strip and I yawned.

Does anybody here get this movie’s appeal,
Can you care when Lisa’s fate is foregone?
They need a lotta viewers, their wallets must be wrung
But it’s being made for an audience of one.

Didn’t we snark on Lisa’s arc before?
Won’t this movie plot and strip end eventually?
Then we’ll be free,
Someday soon it’s gonna be one day.

Has anybody here seen my old friend Tom,
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
I thought I saw him there WAY over the hill
In denial that he’s been there so long.

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Bounce Bored

Could cameras finally be rolling in today’s strip?! Ha ha, no. Tom “Tell, Don’t Show” Batiuk is living up to his nickname again. Whatever was just filmed was “great!”, though. Not great enough to portray in this strip or to make additional takes unnecessary, but still great!

There’s really nothing here, is there? We’ve seen Mason and Marianne in their costumes… we’ve seen the laughably cheap winter park bench set being set up… Les has already reacted to all of this. Did we really need to see Martin Johns say some cliché movie director things and spout some authentic Hollywood jargon? Can we move on to Les’ inevitable griping about what is actually being shot? The sooner we get there, the sooner we get out of this story arc (I hope).

At the very least couldn’t TB have had Ayers punch this up by giving Martin a clichéd old-style Hollywood director’s get-up? Y’know, stupid beret, sunglasses, jodhpurs, oversized megaphone, etc.? And if you’re gonna have Shermy cameo as a cameraman, at least let us see his face!

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Hollywoodnesday, July 15

Today’s strip was not available for preview. Whether it is available for regular view in a timely manner is up to Comics Kingdom and their miserable and often buggy interface that has supplanted seemingly every newspaper’s online comics section. Oh to return to that time a few years ago when some papers let you read comics from multiple syndicates on the same single webpage… or even just a few months ago when I could download a PDF file of the physical paper with my overpriced and constantly-rising online newspaper subscription and read the comics in the pleasant manner that I would in a physical paper. The internet has never been easier to access or more difficult to use… but I digress.

I’m going to assume Les is still in the Hollywoodland Studios soundstage with MariLisa and MasoLes. As both actors are wearing thick winter clothing (in addition to their amazing wigs) in prior appearances this week, I am also going to assume they are preparing to film scenes from when Lisa first figured out something was amiss in her body.  That was back in January 1999.

Lisa and Les, Cindy and Funky, and Lu Lin and Zhang Li all went out into the snow to play football (apparently tackle football?!) in mid-January 1999. Lisa decided to perform a critical self examination for breast lumps after feeling abnormal pain when Zhang Li tackled her to the ground. You know the rest. If you don’t, TB has some books he would like to sell you…

For those that don’t remember (looking at you, TB), Lu Lin and Zhang Li were a refugee couple from China who owned and operated The Jade Dragon (see this handy Act II character guide), a Chinese restaurant next door to Montoni’s. Like everything in Westview that doesn’t involve pizza, comics, or high school, the restaurant eventually went out of business and the couple wisely left town. Montoni’s then expanded and absorbed the space that The Jade Dragon once occupied.

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The Wrong Hair-ku-lor

Using every word
Today’s strip‘s whole dialogue
Can make a haiku

“The hair color is
wrong isn’t it?” “I believe
The next line is yours.”

The wrong hair color?
Looks pretty darn close to me
Not that viewers care

Masone’s Les costume!
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Good grief that’s funny!

Oh man, that hairpiece!
Did some poor fellow mold it
From latex and tar?

Maybe that’s not it
Maybe that is matte black paint
On Bull’s old helmet…

Why is Les quiet?
He wanted accuracy
Now he’s getting it

Not a good start here
This flick is gonna be bad
Worse than Money Plane

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Movie Madness

In which the actress who nearly threw herself off the top of the Hollywood sign—over nothing— advises Les about managing the madness.

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Honest Stories of Working People as Told by Rich Hollywood Stars

More of Batty’s trademark exposition repetition in today’s strip. Monday’s and Tuesday’s panels showed these two driving up to a building clearly marked Hollywoodland Studios. Today Les reminds us verbally, and anyone whose interest is piqued (doubtful) enough to zoom in on that little shingle under the LISA’S STORY sign will see the studio name yet again. Ponderous, man, @#$% ponderous. Anyway, panel 2 is the first time we’ve seen a happy expression on Les since back in April when he and Cindy reminisced about their chaste New Years Eve.

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Don’t You Know Who I Am?

I know that among our loyal readership, there are a number of you who have some working familiarity with the entertainment business. Help me out here: I’ve heard of a “closed set,” but…the lot is closed? The parking lot? “They’re shooting Lisa’s Story today.” Shooting? Already? I wasn’t aware that casting, or any other aspect of this production, was even finalized. And here comes the star of this movie they’re shooting, and he can’t get on the lot because the security guard does not know who he is. Is he wearing those shades because he’s blind? And Mason, to his credit I guess, instead of throwing a movie star shit fit, sits there pouting like a douche.

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C’mon, Marianne

I haven’t even looked at today’s strip, dear snarkers. I’m sitting outside by the firepit with my family. Catch up with ya later!

Later…

Balancing humor with sensitivity to tell stories we need to hear…Some of the stories can be told over a cup of coffee, while others require a full-on Roman feast.

Amazon blurb for The Complete Funky Winkerbean, Volume 9, 1996-1998

Shit. We’re back in “Hollywoodland.” Why is Mason so hellbent on casting Marianne Winters as Lisa Moore? For that matter, why is making this movie so important to him? What’s behind his strategy to get Les on board with casting Marianne by inviting other actresses to read for her role? It’s not enough for Tom Batiuk to reprise and rehash the whole Les Goes to Hollywood thing, but this time Les is even pissier and all Mason does is fly him back and forth to the coast, take him to lunch at the Chateau Marmot, and kowtow to his every whine. Stop lathering Les’ ass for God’s sake, Jarre!

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Bored In Least L.A.

Link To Sunday’s Strip

There’s just something about the mid-central Ohio area. The third-rate pizzerias, the comic book mills, the torrential downpours and never-ending blizzards, the incompetent medical care, porch swings and gazebos, the apathetic students and faculty, the death and amputations…Les looks at all of this and sees home. One again BatHam demonstrates his eternal enmity toward Hollywood, as he’s never going to let that failed “Crankshaft” project go. Everything there is awful, impractical and fake and the people are all vapid materialistic phonies, unlike the bottomless well of saintly pious martyrs who call Westview home. He’s just never, ever going to get over being rejected, the guy carries a grudge like it’s herpes or something.

Thanks for all the wry banter over the last two weeks, gang! Stay tuned for El Presidente himself, TFHackett!

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