Wally – Page 33 – Son of Stuck Funky

Kahn’t Stand Losing You

Little known factoid: Chapter 18 bankruptcy is only available to Westviewian business owners. You are forced to sell off any comic book assets you may have and you must sit there in court while your creditors point and laugh at you.

So the “going out of business” sign WAS correct…Citizen Kahn’s is no more. That leaves two active businesses on Main Street…not coincidentally the two key businesses in town. Actually, this dopey “chapter” gag probably would have worked better during the Mr. Booksmith arc a few years ago, but it’s way too late for that now I suppose, as I’m sure Mr. Booksmith is long dead by now.

I’m still kind of stunned to be snarking on an actual Kahn arc…it’s like being a bird watcher and spotting one of those ivory-billed woodpeckers or something. I do remember when Citizen Kahn’s opened…it was the final panel in a “grab-bag” arc from a few years back, and I remember he was in attendance at Les & Cayla’s super-trashy front yard wedding but all in all Kahn is one of the least-used characters in the entire FW canon. Other than all those missing children, of course, but there’s no proof that they even exist anymore.

Finally, let’s take a moment to give good old Kahn some credit where it’s due: for a non-native Westviewian who grew up in a far-off land, that is one hell of a hand-lettered sign. It’s kind of strange how a guy who was able to pick up on that aspect of the local culture so quickly was unable to realize that selling sandwiches in Westview was basically business suicide. I mean seriously, I don’t even see a comic book rack in that place either, what was he thinking? I’m picturing a Westviewian family sitting around the table, staring at one of Kahn’s sandwiches like it’s some sort of alien artifact…”so what do we DO with this thing? There’s no crust, no cheese, no sauce! Must be some sort of ethnic Afghani delicacy. Shang-wich….am I saying that right?”.

Kahn’t Make Ends Meet Anymore

Link to today’s strip

Welcome to Main Street, Westview, Ohio…where the “American Dream” goes to wither and die a slow, painful and agonizing death. Where do I even begin today? Let’s go panel by panel here…

First of all…Kahn! That in and of itself is quite noteworthy. Take a look at Wally aka Master Of The Obvious…yes Wally, that “going out of business” sign really DOES give one the impression that Kahn’s deli may indeed be closing! How someone with those keen observational skills ended up working at a crappy pizza place is a real mystery. The fact that Kahn’s is right next door to Montoni’s makes their shock and surprise even funnier. Then again, when it comes to pizza these folks are nothing if not focused.

Panel two: Check out that look of total horror on Funky’s face as he realizes that a) he’s getting a glimpse of his own not-too-distant future and b) his position as president of the local chamber of commerce is even more of a sham than it was yesterday. And look at Wally, who appears to have just realized that if he’d said nothing he’d probably be back inside already.

Then in the final panel we see Funky roaring into “heart attack” mode, as if shoveling a never-used sidewalk will somehow fool the locals into believing that their pitiful “downtown” area isn’t an abandoned desolate death-hole, a monument to failure, disappointment and shattered dreams. Actually, knowing what I do about the typical Westviewian, that could work. I mean no one ever actually enters any of these places so who’d notice the difference?

Goodbye, Citizen Kahn’s…we’ll always remember you as an especially stupid bit of Batominc wordplay. Poor Kahn, he had pretty much everything working against him from the start: dopey cutesy business name, nothing to do with pizza or comic books…you know, everything.

Half a Hug

“I’m so happy for you! I wish I could hug you with both arms, but as you know I lost my left one as a result of getting in a car with your good-for-nothing drunk ass!” I was puzzled by John’s startled expression in panel 1 until I realized he’s having an unpleasant flashback to his own near-proposal to Becky, which was derailed at the last second when MIA Wally turned up alive (the first time).

Skunk Head’s Little Helper

“Yeah, John really supports me during marching band season.” Bullshit. Unless by “supports me” you mean “complains to our friends about our nonexistent sex life“. When have we ever seen John lift a finger to “support” her, during marching band season or any other time? He can barely support himself: he runs a business that discourages casual shoppers and is not accessible by the disabled, he turned down a chance to acquire valuable inventory, and his store serves as a clubhouse for local misfits.

Bells are Ring-ing

Wishing a Merry Christmas and a Funky New Year to my readers and especially to my guest authors: DavidO, Epicus Doomus, Beckoning Chasm and Oddnoc!

Oh, Wally, you romantic fool. As if presenting Rachel with an I.O.U. for an engagement ring last summer near the gazebo wasn’t sweet enough…On Christmas Day , handing the ring in its box to your intended with a “Here you go”…instead of getting on one knee, or putting the ring on her finger. And then grinning like a dope at the prospect of never having to buy another thing for Rachel for the rest of your lives together.