May 2014 – Page 6 – Son of Stuck Funky

The Men Inside

Forget those first two panels–that smug smirk at the far right is the real Funky Winkerbean pay-dirt. Ol’ Harry Lunaire is about to start lecturatin’ the folks all about the ways of them comical-book hunters.

You can see he is of a mind to speak on the matter; it’s too bad he’s not smoking a pipe so he can thoughtfully puff on it a couple of times before waving it to illustrate his points.

Other than that, I’m somewhat surprised to discover that the Komix Korner is large enough to have two windows. My previous impression is that it was little larger than a shoebox. A shoebox that holds someone’s bug collection. And, lastly, there’s the expression on John’s face in panel three.

That is an absolute masterpiece of sheer, unadulterated boredom. God, are you still here? And still talking, on and on? I am so sorry I asked you anything, John thinks.

And, well, that’s about all I can say. I mean, how long was the last conversation you had with someone who started with, “I just bid on a comic book on eBay”?

In The Enclosure

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So: another week of “Holly gets a valuable comic book for free, because Cory.” Unless we’re going to be treated to s Super-special two-week storyline! You can tell it’s going to be special, because Fred Flintstone has put on his space helmet in panel two!

Also in today’s episode, Holly finally yields to the voices in her head (otherwise known as Son of Stuck Funky Commentators) and decides to try her luck on eBay.

And I’m going to say, there’s really no way this is going to be interesting.

Those of you who remember Peanuts might recall that one of the ongoing bits was Charlie Brown’s eternal quest to get a Joe Shlabotnik baseball card. Despite spending lots of time and money in the pursuit, he never got one. Others, Lucy in particular, got them with ease, and then refused to trade them, leaving Charlie Brown depressed once again.

It might shock Tom Batiuk to hear this, but the baseball card was never the point. It was simply a prop used to illustrate Charlie Brown’s character; despite Fate’s eternal campaign against him, he never gave up his quest. Determination in the face of adversity was one of Chuck’s fine qualities.

Notice how this storyline suffers by comparison. It is all about the comic book. Despite this arc’s eternally ongoing length, Holly’s quest has changed her not a whit. (I’m sure she would protest otherwise–after all, she’d say, she now uses terms like “geek.” Well, woo-hoo.)

No, Holly is always Holly. She remains a non-entity to whom Fate hands things, with never a drop of blood or an honest day’s sweat on her part.

The Undocumentarian

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Stay tuned for the incredible snark stylings of Beckoning Chasm, starting tomorrow!!!

An extremely rare Sunday strip arc wrap-up today, as Jessica decides that after almost three years in the planning stages and one day in production she will not allow “Hollywood” to wrap its disgusting filthy immoral paws around her pet project, instead opting to forget all about it and settle for occasionally filming various ceremonies and parties for the local townies instead. Aim high, strong female character, aim high!

See, I thought the original question was “what was JD really like?” but actually it was “did my father ever play Barbie with me?” instead. And now that she knows the answer and has seen actual video proof, her ambition and passion for the project have vanished completely. I see. And by that I mean “I see why they live above Montoni’s”. Aim low, baby Skyler, aim low!

And a typically keen observation from Boy Lisa, who seems oddly content with his wife’s fickle nature. Perhaps someday he’ll run into the doctor who screwed up Lisa’s medical chart that time so HE can get some closure too! That’d be swell.

It’s been a great two weeks here at SoSF HQ but now it’s time to pass the batom (get it?) to our next guest snarker and time for me to hit the bourbon and airplane glue in an attempt to purge the last four weeks from my memory. Until next time, stay Barbie…err, I mean Funky!

Cojoined Twits

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“Nice job, Jess”…obtaining a working VCR? Managing to insert the tape properly? Or is Boy Lisa implying that they’re actually watching Jessica’s completed JD documentary and if so, huh? Did I miss something while I was trying to tune out the incessant Barbie-ing? She stopped filming WEEKS ago, so in short, what the f*ck is he talking about? But hey, she made it back home without losing an arm or becoming seriously interested in comic books, so maybe she merits a “good job” after all. Gotta consider the “big picture”, I suppose.

“You’re Barbie”, “I’m Barbie”, “I’m you’re Barbie”, “you’re my Barbie”…ENOUGH ALREADY WE GET THE POINT! I mean wow, this is overkill even by FW standards. Four straight days of it, too, just sheer bludgeoning repetition solely for the sake of it. He’s actually patting himself on the back repeatedly during a self-congratulatory/vanity project arc based on an old comic strip he used to write…now that’s self-absorption on a grand scale.

So what did we learn here? Well for starters, Jessica IS Barbie! We also learn that Jess is quite easily distracted, never follows through on anything and cannot be counted upon to recall her own memories correctly without video verification. But a long-dead character cared about her very much and in the Funkyverse that’s what matters most of all, no?

That rendition of Skyler’s head in panel one merits immediate inclusion in the SoSF Hall Of Fame and if it isn’t unanimous I will be quite disappointed. Spectacular, it’s like a moonrise.

Darling Fatigue Syndrome

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After the nausea, gagging and violent retching subsided a little, I asked myself where this arc stands among FW’s all-time worst three weeks-or-longer arcs. Then I realized it’s like a twenty-thousand-way tie for first and the tie breaker formula is just too complicated to get into here. Let’s just say that it really sucked big-time and it’s way up there on the list and leave it at that.

FW doesn’t get more twee than it does in today’s panel three, that’s for sure. Anything that revoltingly saccharine really should come with a warning. And she’s a pretty, uh, mature “baby” today too, but when you just have your heart set on a particular premise there’s no reason why you can’t retcon the shit out of it to make the premise fit, right? Happens all the time. It’s called writing, people.

Batom is world renowned for his novel use of repetition, but this is ridiculous. Ridiculous. His constant repetition is ridiculous. See how ridiculous that is? And I’ve never even been nominated for a Pulitzer or anything. Yet even I understand how ridiculous the constant repetition is and how, in theory, it could potentially induce murderous rage in others. The repetition, I mean.