Jump! Go Ahead And Jump!

Link To Today’s Strip

Don’t let that felt-tip cash checks your ass can’t cover, Batty. Seeing Les Moore explode all over the pavement like an overripe tomato is one of my fondest dreams, so if you’re going to have Les kill himself because his cancer book isn’t being properly recognized as the greatest artistic achievement in the history of man then DO IT ALREADY because the whining is just insufferable to the point of insanity. I HATE people who talk talk talk and never do do do. So jump, you asshole but slit your wrists, douse yourself with gasoline and light a match before you do just in case the impact isn’t enough to do the job. We have to be 100% sure here, this isn’t something we want to leave to chance.

First-class accomodations across the board. The chance to write his very own “Lisa’s Story” TV movie. His own office and an assistant. And all during his summer vacation, no less. Could things possibly be any worse for the dick with ears? Oh, the humanity. I’m still not grasping why Les can’t remember his very own Hollywood fantasy sequence from a few years back, the one where he predicted this outcome almost exactly. But that’s TB’s trademark, he never lets annoying things like continuity get in his way. And then there’s his other trademark, that being an incredible gift for finding ways to use the exact same material over and over again, especially if it involves Les and that goddamned cancer book that never goes the f*ck away.

I’m seriously thinking about putting together one of those online money-gathering schemes to fund a TV movie about how tawdry and insane the comic strip business is. You know, how it’s all about the money and how it’s filled entirely with lazy brainless hacks with smarmy annoying attitudes. The plot will involve a whiny comic strip writer who’s been tabbed for a screen adaptation of his work but ruins it for himself by complaining about every single aspect of the process. I’m pitcuring an insightful and not-at-all stupid look into how that comic strip business REALLY works. The lead character will NOT be based on Les Moore, though, as I’d ideally want someone to actually watch it.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

21 responses to “Jump! Go Ahead And Jump!

  1. It’s always a treat when Funky Winkerbean goes “on location”, and the establishing shot (in this case, the swanky Chateau Marmont) matches a picture from the first page of results from a Google Image Search

  2. bigd1992

    I want to see him like Waffle House hash browns: scattered and splattered

  3. Every now and then, Funky Winkerbean rises above its weak mediocrity and does something that makes me short out with anger. The first time was when Les put a picture of Lisa on Mount Kilimanjaro. Today’s first panel is another.

    Well, Les, this isn’t working how you “thought it would”? Well, it seems to me you “thought it would” work out that they’d discover you were a no-talent hack and a sham who couldn’t write his way out of a comic strip, and they’d toss you out on your ear. That’s what you said on Sunday. That’s how you thought it would work out, right?

    Instead, they seem to’ve taken you under their wing here at Colostomy Bag Entertainment. They’ve given you a nice office and an assistant, and you’re clearly staying–on their dime–in a very nice looking hotel.

    So why are you complaining? Seems to me that things are going better for you than any other character in this idioverse. What do you have to complain about?

    And this is where I get mad. Because, just like the Mount Kilimanjaro episode, what really triggers my anger is Les being completely honest. In the cast of Kilimanjaro, Les’ action basically said, “I care nothing for Cayla. I’m marrying her because it’s a hip, liberal thing to do. And unlike Susan Smith, who had ideas and opinions, Cayla has nothing that will interfere with Lisa worship. Cayla is nothing to me.”

    Here, what Les is saying is this: “It’s not how I thought it would go. I was going to pretend like I was humble, ha ha ha, and they’d shower me with praise, tell me they needed me to write their entire slate of pictures–because they’d never seen a genius before like me, and they’d ask me to basically run the studio for them. I’d have said no, of course, because Funky et al need me to look up to, and it’s much easier to feel superior to Funky et al than to people who actually accomplish things. But that didn’t happen. Oh, they gave me a compliment, but then almost immediately took it back! And they’re going to want me to work! They’re not treating me like the true genius that I am! This is terrible, no one has ever suffered as much as I have.”

    If any character has less reason to feel smug and superior, it’s Les Moore. I know that goes without saying, but I’m saying it anyway.

    Generally, I tend to figure it isn’t possible to hate Les Moore any more than I already do. But it turns out Tom Batiuk can still surprise me, and there are still many levels to descend. I guess that counts as talent, but wow, he’s not going to be asked to join the X-Men any time soon.

  4. Apparently I need to get into this screenwriting thing. Even if you’re not good at it, studios will fly you first class to Hollywood and put you up in a five-star hotel just so they can insult your artistic integrity to your face. I’d call that a very fair trade.

    And why would Cayla say “When a door closes…”? Les is still in Hollywood, right? He’s not coming home with his tail between his legs or anything, so the “door” is still wide open. Hopefully it’s at the top of a staircase and someone will push Les through it.

  5. Incidentally, my Google-fu tells me rooms at the Chateau Marmont go for a minimum of $435 a night. Add to that first-class airfare and the use of office space, and Cable Movie Entertainment is dropping a lot of money to have Les sulk around on their dime. And Jeopardy! didn’t even pay for my cab back to the hotel…

  6. Epicus Doomus

    It’s funny that TB chose a real-life luxury Hollywood hotel instead of just putting Les in some generic hotel room. Whether inadvertently or not, it makes Les even more difficult to empathize with as a character. Here’s a guy who’s literally being showered with first-class treatment and money and he’s practically imploding with angst over changes to his masterpiece, changes that haven’t even been specifically discussed yet! Les Moore is supposed to be a fifty year old man, he’s had literally years to ponder the “ifs” regarding this movie project, he’s had his work praised all week long and he’s living it up five-star style on his very first trip to Hollywood (a trip he took without his wife which, given the luxuries he’s being showered with, seems sort of peculiar in hindsight). And all he can think about is that f*cking cancer book. His character is STILL prioritizing his feelings about Lisa’s death above all else, seventeen years after the fact.

    So is BatHead. He’s so out of touch he thinks his readers will identify with his avatar lunatic, as if they’re all still abuzz about an arc from seven years ago. If you didn’t know the back story here and you just started reading FW recently you’d be baffled as to why this character is whining so much about an opportunity like this. But to Batom this train of thought is completely logical because, like his avatar, he’s still hung up on Lisa’s death too. It’s all so deranged.

  7. Christ, what an asshole. (Applies to both author and character.)

  8. Spacemanspiff85

    There’s no way Batiuk will kill Les off. He’ll be the last one alive in Westview, so he can write inexplicable bestsellers about everyone else’s deaths. But I’ll be highly disappointed and shocked if Les doesn’t spend a significant portion of the summer on a Hollywood ledge, only to be talked down by his wife. The dead one, naturally.

  9. Guest Page Turner Author

    Chateau Marmount? For a script writer from Ohio? For a made-for-cable movie? Even though they don’t really make those anymore? And he left his wife at home? And the author thinks that this is a sympathetic character?

    Strange how strange minds think.

  10. Rusty

    So Les, sitting in his fancy comped hotel room, talking to his beautiful wife on the phone, has nothing to live for? Because “Hollywood” wants him to think outside of his coffin-shaped box? Don’t keep passing the open windows, Les.

  11. Charles

    So Les goes out to California on a plane in first class. They give him an assistant and his own office. Looking at those things, he presumably has a driver as well. And they’re putting him up in a $500 a night hotel.

    And yet he and Batiuk obdurately refuse to understand why the people in charge might be worried about the project making money. You have to work hard to be this foolish.

    Of course, it’s always pretty easy to wail about art and disdain money when you’re on someone else’s dime.

  12. He does seem to put effort into being a whining imbecile, doesn’t he? He puts almost as much effort into being a moaning shnook as he does into studiously not noticing that the world isn’t turning into a liquid river of shite. A better man would be grateful for what he has and what people lavish on him but Les is too ‘smart’ to be happy.

  13. Sgt. Saunders

    At first I thought Les was using a generalized “you” to lament the plight of all men haunted by cats, but then it dawned on me that he was talking directly to Cayla, implying that her suicide could really jazz up Lisa’s story to maybe the level, if not of “entertaining”, then “more profitable”..


    I don’t know why all of you are so anxious for Les to commit suicide. He’ll just come backs as an even more annoying ghost.

  15. bigd1992

    John Belushi died in that hotel, from a speedball overdose. Drug addiction is among “issues affecting young adults” that TomBat can draw “in a thought-provoking and sensitive manner.” I smell Pulitzer if you kill Les with a speedball injection.

  16. @bigd–Best story idea yet.

  17. @TFH: the model images for the Chateau Marmont aren’t just from the first page of image search results. The Master of Medina didn’t even scroll.

    Les has no use for Cayla, except as a sounding board for his whinging. Otherwise, he would have used a small part of the enormous advance he got for his heartbreaking work of staggering genius to fly his wife out to be with him.

    I’m a bit disappointed that Batominc chose the Chateau Marmont as a location. My limited research turned up only 2 well known deaths there—Helmut Newton’s and John Belushi’s—both accidental. So it hardly seems to be a likely setting for the specialest memoirist of abiding punchability to off himself.

  18. Professor Fate

    ‘they gave me an office and assistant. I know horrible isn’t it. And i’m being put up in a fancy hotel. Not only that the ice is too cold. I don’t know how much more I can take.”

  19. Epicus Doomus

    Very special guest host taking a turn beginning tonight….the Ruth/Gretzky/Jordan/Jim Brown/Ali of FW snark himself!

  20. @Professor Fate:
    What bothers me about this deal is that when he does end up on his porch congratulating himself on getting out of this, we won’t be invited to boot him in the groin for being an ungrateful, whining imbecile. Instead, we’ll all be told to praise him for his good fortune.

  21. Jimmy

    This will all be worth it if,at some point, Les calls his critics “beady-eyed nitpickers.”