Box of Pain

SosfDavidO here, and Oh boy… it looks like Monday’s Band Box strip wasn’t a one-off, we’re going to be here all week! In today’s strip we’re introduced to the band box repairman, a smirking, middle-aged, overweight bald guy. Great. That won’t be confusing at all to readers, considering that’s half the cast of FW.

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21 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

21 responses to “Box of Pain

  1. HAnzMFG

    “After all the monsters, demons, and plagues had escaped, Pandora was terrified at what she had done, so she closed the lid on the box. Inside she sealed hope, where it was to remain for eternity, never to escape, as the terrors of the container ran rampant across Westview.”

  2. Epicus Doomus

    Har har har. Disappointed that there’s not another one-armed trombonist gag, though. Even the beloved band box is a source of wistful weary woe in the Funkyverse, just another reminder of how fast the sands of time are (zzzzzzzzzzz).

  3. SpacemanSpiff85

    If anyone wanted a sneak peek of what Funky will look like when he inevitably wastes away from cancer, today’s your day.

  4. Jimmy

    @spacemanspiff: When I saw the new header, I was sure this guy would be featured in a cancer arc.

  5. I have to admit, the band box and its musicians have one advantage over the rest of the cast: I don’t hate them.

  6. The irritating thing is that Batiuk is proud of making them look old before their time because he said he wanted them to grow into their decrepitude like a kid growing into a sweater.

  7. Chyron HR

    The 2015 Funky offers sleeker, more aerodynamic contours in a smaller, energy-efficient package.

  8. A HREF

    “The cartoonist not only entertains teenagers and adults alike with his portrayal of the students and faculty at Westview High but has earned high marks for his sensitive treatment of important social and educational issues. ”

    Nothing portrays students at an early 21st century high school bettter than 1940’s era band box.

    It is only Tuesday. So I bet the bandbox falls from its perch and bursts into a million itty bitty pieces. Serves Harry right for being happy.

  9. Nathan Obral

    Who is Batiuk paying a favor for with this? Is the concept of a restored band box contraption at Luigi’s Pizza that powerful that it is a semi-erotic fantasy for a little, insecure man so obsessed with “art” and “writing?”

    Honestly, when I first saw Mr. Keith Clean up on the SoSF masthead, I thought it was Dead St. Lisa the Cancer Chew Toy who was Cremated in a potential retcon of Batiuk’s lone career highlight… and why not? He’s retconned the crap out of everything else.

  10. Ah, THERE’S the sense of misery and despair that taints every single thing in Westview. I was wondering when it would show up.

  11. Professor Fate

    And the nothingness consumed them all. The End.

  12. captaincab

    “Too bad we all can’t bounce back like that!”

    More like too bad seven years ago your creator couldn’t grasp the concept that realistically aged people in their early to mid 50s usually don’t look like they’re in their early 70s. Oh, poor Crazy. You used to be the very picture of flippant youth and vitality, almost magically playing a pizza in your locker like it was a record, doing silly little air guitar moves which you would eventually grow out of as your interest matured into learning to play a real musical instrument (oh wait…) and wearin’ ‘dat hat like nobody cared! Now thanks to your cruel creator, you’re a sad little man in your 50s yet you have aged oh so horribly beyond your years. Forced to work in a comic shop perched precariously atop your friend’s pizza shop after you were laid off by the post office and cheated out of your pension despite the fact in real life, most of your postal worker colleagues in a similar situation would have been able to retire early with enough pension to
    live out the rest of their years rather comfortably. Your wife, who used to be a lithe, blonde stunner on a motorcycle, stylishly upstaging you with her Space Invader scores, is now the fat, ugly and unappealing doppelganger of your best friend’s spouse. And let’s not forget to mention your daughter you no longer see despite the fact she had a joyous personality even to the point of eerily imitating your aforementioned traits of yesteryear, right down to her darling ‘lil cap. But it’s all been taken away, Crazy, all of it, and it’s all thanks to your cruel, joyless creator. Now all you can do is cultivate mentally depraved jealousy for an inanimate, barely animatronic promotional toy from the same pizza parlor your livelihood and that all of Westview depends on as a bald man who looks like Kearney from the Simpsons ominously smiles as you prepare to saunter back to the counter and ask for another cup of coffee since you can now barely afford to buy a
    slice of the pizza your buddy has made his living on. Crazy, since you are clearly no longer alive, then what more can I say other than fare thee well, and may a flight of little air guitar playing angels sing thee to thy rest.

  13. billytheskink

    Honestly, when I first saw Mr. Keith Clean up on the SoSF masthead, I thought it was Dead St. Lisa the Cancer Chew Toy who was Cremated in a potential retcon of Batiuk’s lone career highlight… and why not? He’s retconned the crap out of everything else.

    Even Lisa’s ghost could not escape the weight fate that befalls all women who fail to flee Westview.

    Elsewhere on the comics page, today’s Dick Tracy further expands the comics version of the Tommy Westphall Universe, as Dick Tracy’s half-alien granddaughter and Little Orphan Annie plan to see a movie from the film series responsible for the existence Tom Batiuk’s IMDB page.

  14. Beady-eyed nitpicker time – If Funky and Crazy went to pick up the band box yesterday, then why is Keith there? He could have delivered the band box himself if he was going to be there anyway and saved those guys the trip. Unless the trip was just an excuse for Funky and Crazy to go out and burn a fatty, which would explain the expression on Funky’s face in the second panel.

    Other than that, I can’t complain about any FW strip that does not contain any appearance of or reference to either Les or Darin.

  15. @billytheskink Hoo boy! That’s weird.

    Meanwhile over at Crankshaft, we’re treated to jokes about wheelchair users.

  16. $$$WESTVIEW ONCOLOGIST$$$

    After reading that Crankshaft strip, I have the urge to see that lady wheeled out into oncoming traffic by SportCoat McGlasses there. That is how bad Batiuk is at creating sympathetic characters. There so insufferable that you want them to suffer and feel justified about it.

  17. @billytheskink – Maybe Staton and Curtis feel bad about how the proposed cross-over fell apart, and are trying to do something Funky-related. Staton and Curtis seem to have an imagination and a genuine respect for their medium, and they must know how much Funky Winkerbean hurts both.

  18. @billytheskink, it’s important to remember that The Cardinal is a Protestant superhero. He’s named for the bird, not the Roman Catholic prelate.

    No, wait, not important. What is the word? Insipid.

  19. Professor Fate

    @$$$WESTVIEW ONCOLOGIST$$$ – or perhaps a visit from Tommy Udo from the film Kiss of Death.

  20. John

    “We have no life, Keith.”

    “I guessed that when you locked me in the restaurant, then forced me to watch the box with you for nine consecutive hours.”

    “Yeah, too bad we can’t take more people hostage whenever we feel like it. Fortunately, by the time someone next needs a BAND BOX fixed, it’ll be too late for you.”

    ***********************************************************

    Okay, my dialog replacement today took a darker turn than I intended. <_<

  21. Epicus Doomus

    The band box arcs seem to confirm a prevailing FW theory, that being that much of FW’s subject matter consists of things that just happen to be in TB’s field of vision at any given time. Weather, falling leaves, green pitchers, band boxes. It’s called “inspiration”, people!