Thy king-dumb come

Oh, theres no place like Westview for the holidays
‘Cause no matter how you read today’s strip
When you pine for the weather of decent days
For the holidays, you’d best avoid the trip

I met a couple who lives in Hollywood
They were headin’ for, Ohio, and some awful pizza pie
From Ohio, folks aren’t travelin’ too quickly or too far
From Garfield Heights to Brunswick, gee, the traffic’s nonexistent

Oh, there’s no place like Westview for the holidays
‘Cause no matter if you’ve moved away high or low
If you want to be happy in any little ways
For the holidays, it’s best to just not go

Advertisements

19 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

19 responses to “Thy king-dumb come

  1. I’m sorry, but if I were Funky, I would not be in any way happy to see my ex-wife with her beau. (Unless I already knew that Mason Jarr, The Movie Actor Bi The Way was indeed bipolar…)

  2. Nice to see Bill Nye, The Science Guy make a very special cameo in panel two!

  3. Epicus Doomus

    BanTom once again shows off his amazing ability to write dialog that perfectly captures the way no one speaks in “real life”. In “real life” these jabbering idiots would be beaten to a pulp within seconds of spouting this gibberish. Just tell us why the f*ck these two nitwits are there, spare us the unbearably cutesy wordplay.

    So a Hollywood superstar has nothing better to do over the holidays than to lurk around Montoni’s listening to the usual gang of local jerks exchanging wry banter and bad wordplay with one another? Please. This must be the part of his “bi……polar” disorder that compels him to seek out the most boring things imaginable, like a reverse “thrill seeker” kind of deal. Although I could see how Westview would act as a sort of natural sedative, it’s only been two panels and already I’m bored shitless again.

  4. Yet another time conundrum presented by The Author. Are we to assume that both Cindy’s web news job and production of the Starbuck Jones epic starring the Hollywood Actor Mason Jarr have gone into hiatus for the holidays on December 14th through January 4th (or whatever workday follows January1st in whatever year The Author is choosing to set this vignette)? I understand that since Cindy, and apparently Mason, hail from the state that is high in the middle and round on both ends they would visit family for Christmas (sorry, Rainbowmas, according to TB). I accept that Cindy and Funky are on friendly terms (there are friendly divorces) and that she and Mason would stop by Montoni’s to say “HI”. I just doubt that they’d be around for three or more weeks.

  5. SpacemanSpiff85

    “Hollywood be thy name” turns my stomach.

  6. “Didn’t you two have a kid who just came home from overseas?”
    “What does that have to do with Christmas? Now have some pizza and tell us all about your comic book movie!”

  7. Charles

    “Hey, I’ve got a great idea for what to do this Christmas! Let’s fly 2000 miles to Akron and visit my ex-husband! We certainly don’t have anything we could do here!”
    Mason, in the full throes of a bipolar episode: “Sounds great!”

    Does Cindy have anything to connect her to Westview now beyond the simple fact that she grew up there and her ex-husband lives there? Since she recently stayed with Funky and Holly when she was getting resettled in Ohio despite how incredibly awkward that would be, she obviously doesn’t have any family worth mentioning. Why on earth, when she’s spending her first Christmas with her brand new A-list actor boyfriend, would she decide to go to Ohio when she no longer has any real connection to the place, and drag his ass along with her? Is his life even more pathetic and desolate than Batiuk’s making hers out to be?

  8. Rusty

    Holly sure is accepting of her husband’s much hotter ex dropping in all the time. Funky must be impotent from years of alcohol and pizza abuse, so she knows there’s nothing to worry about.

  9. Epicus Doomus

    Charles: And lest we forget, Cindy is a celebrity herself, a former national network news anchor. And she does have a sister who I had completely forgotten about until recently when another snarker pointed it out. Yet her first impulse is “let’s go visit my ex-husband Funky!”. IMO an amicable friendship is realistic, Funky being her “best friend” not so much. And his delighted word-smithing upon seeing her is just too funny. I mean come on.

    Maybe Funky is lacing that pizza with something. Tony (whose parents might have been immigrants BTW) is “down south” an awful lot these days and you know what goes on down there. I’m just saying is all. But come on, this pizza has way, way too much drawing power. It’s being shipped cross-country, people are dropping everything to fly in for more, what’s going on here? We need someone like Dick Tracy to drop in and…oh yeah. Never mind.

  10. And yet if you sit him down and try to explain how implausible this Grade Z sitcom is, Batiuk will either get defensive and claim that you hate home and happiness (like he’s Lynn Johnston) or smugly comment about how being a writer allows him to ignore the fact that this stands no chance of happening (like Brooke McEldowney.)

    Also, I’m waiting for the strip that will allow me to walk away from this in clear conscience; it will feature Cindy apologizing to Funky for ‘making’ him an alcoholic for having ambitions and trying to take him away from his home and other reactionary fantasies from an entitled dickhole.

  11. Chyron HR

    Just in case you couldn’t tell from today’s art, here is a friendly reminder that Mason is a handsome sex symbol and Cindy is a withered old crone.

  12. Rusty Shackleford

    And Funky and Holly are fat, old, senior citizens, even though they graduated with Cindy.

  13. Somehow I get the feeling that those of us who read last week’s arc and asked themselves the question “How can this strip possibly get worse?” are about to have that question answered.

  14. $$$WESTVIEW ONCOLOGIST$$$$

    Why? Why does she need to come back to Westview? Does she have relatives still here? Does Mason? No? Then why on God’s green earth do you need to come back to this effing town??!! You could have gone to Aspen? Park City? Timbuktu? Anywhere but this godforsaken town? No, you decide to go visit your ex husband in a town you tried to get away from. There is no reason other than plot convenience for these two to be here!!!

  15. ComicBookHarriet

    I don’t know why everyone is so confused about Cindy’s return. It obvious from her face in panel two that she has suffered a massive stroke. Mason was just kind enough to accompany her to Westview– the land always looking toward the setting sun– and help her move into Bedside Manor for her inevitable decline into senescence and death.

  16. Rusty Shackleford

    The sad thing is that if Batty would put in a little effort, he could do a lot with his characters. Cindy is a gold mine. I am not a creative person and yet I can come up with several story arcs.

    And instead of non-stop dreariness, how about a little humor for a change. Gosh he gives Ohio a bad name….it is not that terrible here!

  17. Epicus Doomus

    Rusty Shackleford: IMO every one of us could easily come up with better story arcs than The BanMan does. If he just drew it and “outsourced” the “writing” end, it’d improve by, oh i don’t know, about a million percent or so.

  18. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    “Mason Jar, the Hollywood movie actor! We’re so glad to see you! Why don’t you slip into your jammies, and I’ll bring you some milk, cookies, and comic books.”

    “Gosh, ma’am, no foolin’? That would be swell!”

    “Cindy! My alarmingly youthful, attractive EX-wife, who I used to have wild sex with until you turned me into an alcoholic! How sweet of you to drop in unannounced two weeks before Christmas! You MUST stay with us, and I swear I won’t install a video recorder in your shower like last time!”

    “Actually, I was counting on that. We couldn’t possibly afford a hotel. We already dropped our luggage off at your house. We’ll be in the bedroom next to yours. I hope my shrieking orgasms don’t keep you and that fat hog you married up all night.”

    “Hollywood be thy name!”

    “Yeah… uh, what…?”

  19. batgirl

    Okay, I’m willing to accept (however grudgingly) that Funky and Holly tubbed up during the time jump. But the bowling arc reminded me that Funky used to be a beanpole like Wally – when did he get short as well as fat?
    And now it occurs to me that we need a word other than ‘arc’ for what passes as story here, because it has no trajectory. Story flat? Story slump?