And Spending Her Time So Foolishly Too, No Doubt

Link To Today’s Demoralizing Developments

Working that goddamned f*cking decoder ring in there was like dropping a cherry-shaped wad of maggots onto a garbage sundae, it’s the kind of sickening overkill BanTom does better than any other sub-mediocre comic strip author in the business. It’s finally official, after five days of absolutely painful dilly-dallying these two horrible old snores are engaged (as are Cindy and Mason…(shudder)) and a more pathetic spectacle I cannot recall.

“Waiting a lifetime”, yeah, sixty years is indeed nearly a “lifetime” but not necessarily in the Funkyverse, where middle-aged men creak, groan and collapse regularly and couples in their nineties eat solid foods and get frisky in restaurants. Still though, it seems kind of incredible that they just completely lost touch for sixty years. No phone calls, no letters, no emails, no Classmates or HotBot or Google searches, just nothing at all until two comic book-obsessed weirdos took it upon themselves to do everything for them.

In fact when you look at them that way you realize that there’s nothing “happy” about these two imbeciles getting back together, as they’re both awful, stupid, lazy people who literally wasted their entire lives for no reason whatsoever aside from sheer sloth. They’re only together now because of outside meddling, completely happenstance impulsive meddling, by the way. What kind of human being wouldn’t be utterly destroyed by the realization that the great lost love of your life who you feebly pined over for sixty freaking years was likewise just sitting there like an idiot wondering and waiting to hear from you while you sat there doing literally nothing? It’s the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard, yet in the Funkyverse it passes for lite, cute and breezy.

Hopefully this is the last of these two until Frankie crashes the big Starbuck Jones-themed double wedding ceremony and forces Marianne to attempt suicide again. You know that when he finally gets around to re-visiting this in August or whatever he’ll spend five full days on the characters talking about that f*cking decoder ring, just to refresh everyone’s decoder ring memory.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

9 responses to “And Spending Her Time So Foolishly Too, No Doubt

  1. Jimmy

    I’ll give Batiuk one thing: at least he fired Chekhov’s gun this time, and it didn’t even take four months.

  2. spacemanspiff85

    Batiuk seriously must’ve missed the day in English class where they taught that characters in a story are supposed to actually do something, rather than sit around and have things happen to them.

  3. The boring psycho churning out this appalling tripe clearly thinks that his garbage funny books are how stories are supposed to be told. They too are littered with dirtbombs passively waiting for salvation to come. In the real world, these are appalling people who wasted their lives being lazy and dumb but here, they’re cute because idiots doing a highly visible nothing ‘fixed’ things.

  4. Rusty Shackleford

    Achievement Unlocked: Full week of crap.

    Of course this is the first marriage proposal with a decoder ring. What female is going to date an adult male that plays with kids toys?

  5. sgtsaunders

    Does Holly know what Air-Guitarzan is up to? Pretty reckless behavior if you ask me.

  6. Gerard Plourde

    So now that she’s accepted the proposal does she get a real engagement ring? And if she’s been waiting this long to accept why wasn’t she actively looking for him for the past 60+ years? Was she recalled by Moscow because her cover was blown?

  7. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    Next week, Cleft Banger, MasonnE JarrrEEE, and Maryanne Winters film a scene where they have glorious three-way sex. Vera Pencilneck-McGillicutty goes into a rage against Maryanne.


  8. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    Gerard asks: “And if she’s been waiting this long to accept why wasn’t she actively looking for him for the past 60+ years?”

    You could ask the same of Cleft Banger. At least we know HE had a computer and an Internet connection. Remember he was eBaying all his swag? He could have used all that computing power to Google Pencilneck and find out approximately where she lived.

    Bottom line is these are not characters we even care about. And the decoder ring proposal is a monumentally ass-brained plot development.

  9. Charles

    I think Batiuk actually believes that actors view themselves as extensions of the roles they played. He doesn’t seem to realize that if anyone’s really able to see through the “magic” of movies, the actors would, or not even see the magic in the first place because they instead remember filming it in that most artificial of settings. Cliff doesn’t remember playing Starbuck Jones flying around in a spaceship. He remembers playing Starbuck Jones cramped into this cheap little half-room of props with bright lights and a camera on him, looking off at nothing and pretending that he’s seeing incoming spaceships or something. He doesn’t remember romance from kissing Vera as she played Jupiter Moon. He remembers kissing some woman who he barely knew, having to fake emotions he never felt, while a dozen people were watching him.

    But then, when you look at that ridiculous scene that Batiuk drew at the graduation, with students apparently being thrown in the air because of explosions, and maybe he doesn’t really appreciate the difference.

    Besides, as people have said before, Vera would be insulted by this whole stupid thing, since it ignores her entire life in favor of focusing her entire being on some dumb role in a stupid filler serial that she spent a couple months filming over sixty years ago. Apparently nothing she did before or since was worth considering. Batiuk should go examine how Jerry Mathers feels about people thinking his whole life revolves around him playing Beaver Cleaver. Or any of the main stars of Star Wars, for that matter.