What Are Fiends For?

Link To Today’s Unfunny Episode

Blech, the Corporal looks especially imbecilic today. One has to wonder what he may have been exposed to over there in Afghanistan, although in fairness to the US military and the Afghan people his symptoms look an awful lot like those of a serious pizza and comic book overdose. “I need a fruit cup and a real book…stat! We’re running out of time! OH NO! PATIENT IS SMIRKING!!! WE’RE LOSING HIM!!! CODE DUH….I REPEAT, CODE DUH!!!!!!”.

So Fatso is going to run in some sort of marathon relay race for a charity of Cory’s choosing, which should lead to a lot of wheezing, heart attack symptoms, crushed ankle bones…you know, good ol’ FW style hilarity. And halfway through the race TomBat will suddenly pull another arc switcharoonie and treat us to a week or two worth of Wally getting a new lunch box or Les staring at a tree stump or something else that has nothing to do with anything. Then in August or September we’ll get to see the gang carting Funky home or to the ER with those sub-moronic grins plastered all over their misshapen faces as if something “humorous” has happened. I can (sigh) hardly wait.

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16 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

16 responses to “What Are Fiends For?

  1. spacemanspiff85

    I’ll honestly be shocked if Batiuk shows anything resembling the marathon.

  2. Ray

    So, we’ve got someone scheming to cash in on Funkys life insurance.

    And sadly, the Akron Marathon isn’t until September, so we can look forward to a lot of training by these saps.

  3. In his high school days, Cory was the one relatively interesting character in this strip: young, unpredictable, mischeivous, he lied, cheated, stole, probably even knocked boots with Summer. You’d think a stint with the Army would make him even cooler, edgier. Look at him, look at him today, with his receding hairline, bulbous nose and simpering expression. Now he looks like Private Snafu, who starred in a series of instructional cartoons produced for the Army by Warner Bros. back during the Big One.

  4. In a strip not known for its artwork, this is some of the worst drawing I’ve seen. Holly’s face is just terrible, and what the heck is Funky looking at in panel two? Is he seriously staring at her chest? I guess that’s better than having him stare at Rocky’s chest.

  5. Epicus Doomus

    TFHackett: It’s laughably terrible even by FW standards. IMO he concocted this Rocky character strictly as an identifier so the readers would know who Cory 2.0 is supposed to be. “Oh, it’s that Rocky girl, so that must be Cory”. Otherwise how would you even know?

  6. billytheskink

    I’d like to see Holly run a bit before she starts suggesting that other people participate in a marathon.

    I don’t mean that literally, of course. Please, TB, please don’t give us a week of strips featuring Holly trying to jog. Oh, that would be awful.

  7. Epicus Doomus

    billytheskink: Coming this fall: Holly finishes second in the “Lisa’s Legacy Cancer Fun Run”, Funky looks on dejectedly as Les awards her the “runner-up” trophy. The weird big-headed character no one can identify turns out to be Cory.

  8. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    Funky is a fat slob and he’s in his mid to late 50’s. Not a recipe for a good runner. Given his age and weight, his knees have to be a disaster at this point. I can’t imagine him running at all, let alone in some kind of “marathon relay,”

    And didn’t he have some sort of cardiac episode not long ago while trying to run? For that reason alone, it’s ultra-creepy and rather disturbing to see Holleeeee prod him to run in this race. “A friendly suggestion,” huh? When people talk this way, that’s usually code for “do it or else!”

    Why the Hell is it so damn important to Holleeeee that Flunky run with these two smirking goofballs? Is this because Funky terribly neglected Corky when he was younger, resulting in a pattern of antisocial juvenile behavior? So now he has to make up for his neglect by participating in an activity that can’t possibly be good for his cardiac and orthopaedic health? We joke that Holleeeee is acting like she wants to kill him off, but that’s PRECISELY what this looks like.

    “Holleeeee, I’m 59 years old and 65 pounds overweight. You want me to run in a race?? You do realize, don’t you, that I could just keel over and die trying to do this.”

    “This is for Lisa’s Legacy! Do it, or I cut your balls off. Just a friendly suggestion.”

  9. Jimmy

    Thanks for clarifying this woman is Holly, I honestly couldn’t tell if this was Harry’s wife, and I was thrown off by the “friends” comment.

  10. Don’t worry. Give me the dimensions of Batiuk’s baseball diamonds, his marathons will be about 10 yards long.

  11. Charles

    You know, Funky can just say no. It won’t hurt. Then maybe Cory and Rocky can ask some of their friends instead since that would be better for….

    Oh well, maybe they could ask college athletes Summer and Keisha to do it. They’re local and you know they don’t have anything else they’re doing.

    It’s one of those things where Batiuk could bring back some of the large cast of characters he’s created, which might be interesting. But no, everything goes back to his core group of 4 guys. Cory and his future wife have no one they can ask to do this besides his decrepit step-dad and his step-dad’s condescending asshole friend.

  12. That’s the problem, isn’t it? We have to watch a man in terrible shape be shoved into damned near killing himself by his wife because Batiuk forgot he has more characters.

  13. Rusty Shackleford

    The only place Holly runs to is McDonalds. She binges on Big Macs when she goes out to pick up more pizza sauce. (You didn’t think they made their own sauce did you? ).

    Poor Rocky, we can see she is bald in panel 2; must be from the chemo.

  14. Don

    Okay, so the team is Cory, Rocky, Les, Funky, and…who’s the fifth? Or do you only need four in The Universe Where You Can Hit A “Bouncing Betty” Mine With A Piece Of Wood And It Won’t Go Off Until It’s Safely Out Of Range?

  15. Jimmy

    Can’t wait for the new Dinkle arc. I’ll be hitting refresh every 10 seconds just to eee what hijinks he has in store for us!

  16. $$$WESTVIEW ONCOLOGIST$$$

    Did Cory get dosed with Joker gas or something? That fuckin’ grin is disturbing!! Most soldiers are morose over the violence and tragedy of a war. Cory Winkerbean comes back beaming like goddamn Howdy Doody!