Tag Archives: Rocky

Double Cheese And Matrimony

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Montoni’s…the wedding venue of choice for couples who just don’t really give a f*ck anymore. A “99% success rate”??? So Montoni’s has hosted 100 weddings and only one of those unholy unions failed? THAT seems unlikely. As difficult as this is to believe right now I’m actually hoping they get back to the Big Alumni Reunion Band thing or whatever it was, as at least that wasn’t entirely predictable. I like how Rocky still has absolutely nothing to say and no input to offer regarding her own wedding, which would be wildly unrealistic in any other setting but makes perfect sense in the Funkyverse. Obviously she saw her inevitable future and gave up long ago, much like TomHack’s readership did back in ’84.

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The Gazebo Is Not A “Destination”

Link To Today’s Strip

Early Act III Cory had a personality. A sullen disagreeable personality but a personality nonetheless. But that was a long time ago, during that weird period when FW was still basking in the Pulitzer (nominee) afterglow and BanTom was still doing his Act II-style serialized “stories”. Here in 2018 The Corporal is just another annoying wryness drone with a strangely-rendered head, buzzing in and out of the strip every few years to crack wise and further some glacially paced plot line that’s been going nowhere for a solid two or three years now. Just marry the two of them already, why does their engagement need half a decade to play out?

Why’d he even bother with bringing Cory back at all? This strip is lousy with little-seen characters who offer nothing when they pop up out of nowhere every three years, I seriously doubt anyone would have missed Cory any more than they miss, say, Summer or Jinx or Cody or the field goal kicker. It’s all so pointless and random. But at least we have another (sigh) wedding arc to look forward to in two or three years, followed by the inevitable Pete and Mindy comic book (sigh) wedding which should be on the schedule in 2022 or thereabouts. Oh boy.

 

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No Pizza Mind

Link To Today’s Strip

Man, Wally and Rachel must be livid right now. Despite working there for a combined one hundred years, their boss totally overlooks them and hands over temporary control of Westview’s pizza supply to the moronically grinning Corporal and his stupidly smirking sidekick Rocky instead. Of course The Corporal responds to this huge honor and massive responsibility by immediately resorting to imbecilic wordplay, the sort of thing that would have caught him a serious beating (at best) back during his Army days. No one respects Funky at all, possibly because of insanely stupid decisions like this.

Seriously though, in Westview pizza is like a public utility and ANY disruption in the pipeline could lead to throngs of malnourished comic book nerds doubling over with crippling hunger pains, something the town fathers are woefully unprepared for. Picture hordes of starving young comic book thugs ransacking homes and freezers looking for a Mama Celeste to tide them over..if you can stomach the thought, that is.

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Is Hatchet Face A Pre-Existing Condition?

Link To Today’s Hatchet Face Extravaganza

Good God that panel two Cory drawing is just an atrocity. If you showed me that drawing out of context I’d have absolutely no idea who it was supposed to be. He takes the time to shade Funky’s cheeks (because he’s fat and out of shape, you see) then draws a series of hatchet faces that could level a decent size wooded lot in minutes. I mean wow, it’s almost sort of spectacularly over-the-top in its own annoying way. It’s like a stroll through the axe department at Home Depot, except more angular.

So not only is Funky a fat guy in deteriorating health, he’s also surrounded by people who joke about his imminent death right to his face, even as he’s attempting to address his health through exercise. No encouragement, no pats on the back, just cheap mean-spirited gags about life insurance policies and a whole lot of obnoxious smirking. He goes outside and life punches him in the face, then he comes home and the family kicks him while he’s down. He’s a lot like Al Bundy, minus the jokes and the insane lust for revenge. I mean they’re literally goofing on him over the prospect of him not surviving this moronic race they’re forcing him to participate in, it’s sick.

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What Are Fiends For?

Link To Today’s Unfunny Episode

Blech, the Corporal looks especially imbecilic today. One has to wonder what he may have been exposed to over there in Afghanistan, although in fairness to the US military and the Afghan people his symptoms look an awful lot like those of a serious pizza and comic book overdose. “I need a fruit cup and a real book…stat! We’re running out of time! OH NO! PATIENT IS SMIRKING!!! WE’RE LOSING HIM!!! CODE DUH….I REPEAT, CODE DUH!!!!!!”.

So Fatso is going to run in some sort of marathon relay race for a charity of Cory’s choosing, which should lead to a lot of wheezing, heart attack symptoms, crushed ankle bones…you know, good ol’ FW style hilarity. And halfway through the race TomBat will suddenly pull another arc switcharoonie and treat us to a week or two worth of Wally getting a new lunch box or Les staring at a tree stump or something else that has nothing to do with anything. Then in August or September we’ll get to see the gang carting Funky home or to the ER with those sub-moronic grins plastered all over their misshapen faces as if something “humorous” has happened. I can (sigh) hardly wait.

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Legacy Of Stupidity

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Or you could return the Lisa’s Legacy money you stole, Corporal. The town is in an advanced state of urban squalor, the high school is barely funded, obese middle-aged people are everywhere…isn’t there ANY other worthwhile cause in that hell-hole? Might I suggest the “Paying For Funky’s Funeral Fund?” or maybe a little something for Cayla after all of Akron attacks and bludgeons that smirking jerk with the annoying headband? Lisa’s legacy has already left enough scars on the FW landscape: that f*cking cancer book, piles and piles of videotapes and journals, Darin, Summer…she’s done quite enough, thank you very much.

My problem with Cory isn’t that the Army turned him into a lean, fit, exceedingly polite young do-gooder, it’s that they turned him into an impossibly bland lean, fit, exceedingly polite young do-gooder. And it all just suddenly happened overnight too and to this point NO ONE has mentioned it even in passing. The surly, misanthropic, sneering young punk of early Act III came home completely transformed to an astonishing degree and it’s attracted no attention whatsoever. You’d think that somebody would say something, right?

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Funky Winkerbean: The Anchor, Man

(ZZZZZZZZZZ)

All that time he spent defusing bombs and dodging death over in Afghanistan didn’t do a whole lot for Cory’s cognitive thinking abilities, as he appears to be considering including Funky in some sort of relay race deal, which is a bit like entering an obese donkey in the Kentucky Derby. I liked old Cory better, at least he wasn’t just another predictable Pollyanna do-gooder with a dumb grin on his face 100% of the time. Now though…ugh. If the guy was any more bland he’d be completely invisible.

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