Tag Archives: connie

Slowly they turned…

Today’s strip is pretty inoffensive, as these things go. It might border on “nice” if we liked a single one of these characters.

Not sure why Funky and Holly look so surprised to see Morton playing the trombone. They know Morton is in this band. They know the band is playing at St. Spires. They walk into the Christmas Eve service hearing the strains of “Silent Night”. Put two and two together…

OK, sure, most of the churches I’m familiar with place both the choir and orchestra in front of the congregation rather than behind, but such a slight difference wouldn’t floor me like a character from the late They’ll Do It Every Time.

Maybe Funky has an excuse, he thinks churches are places to practice driving, but Holly has been depicted as at least a somewhat regular churchgoer.

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Grossest In December

OK, I was kidding yesterday about skeevy Morton becoming a December tradition, but today’s strip takes my meanderings seriously. Who is the audience for this? OK, Greg Evans I guess, but who else?

I cannot decide which is more egregious:

  • The colorist’s decision to color both Funky’s and Morton’s coats blue (probably because they are just as confused by Morton and Funky’s converging ages as we are).
  • The Bedside Manor staff not knowing where five of their residents are.

If you are one of the 17 folks who own a copy of Roses In December or just a really really big Crankshaft fan, you may recall another story where a nursing home lost track of one of its residents. That time the nursing home had an excuse, as Ralph Meckler had kidnapped his Alzheimer’s-stricken wife and took her to Sotheby’s in New York to see his collection of vintage movie posters auctioned off.

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The Feast Of Maximum Occupancy

Link To This One

“Hi, Mom! Listen, we’ll be by to pick you up at around eleven. We made the stuffing you like and we picked up a few pies and…what’s that? Harry Dinkle? Who the f*ck is Harry Dinkle? But…but…your grandkids are looking forward to…uh huh, uh huh, yeah, uh, OK, I guess, but this is certainly unexpected and odd and…what? Why would WE eat Thanksgiving dinner at a band director’s house? Have you been taking your medicine?”

It’s pretty funny how Halle Dinkle re-appeared and was immediately pushed into the background by every single person Dinkle knows, plus quite a few he doesn’t. I count TWENTY-NINE people, which seems like WAY too many folks to cram into Dinkle’s cheap clapboard house for anything, let alone dinner. But hey, at least BatYam didn’t have to exert himself too much by, you know, writing a story or anything like that.

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That Almost Imperceptibly Grinning Guy From Room /Z/

Link To Today’s Strip

Crankshaft’s fondest-ever possession and the one thing he secretly pines for the most…an old gardening catalog from the 1950s. Such a deep and complex character, no wonder BatStrips felt he merited an entire spin-off strip to himself. I like how Mort and Funky are completely indistinguishable from one another now, which will make things a lot easier for Batom in the long run, continuity (guffaw) be damned.

One can easily imagine a young Ed huddled in the attic with his catalog, some cookies and a glass of milk, engrossed in comparing rake prices and marveling at the innovations in wheelbarrow technology that made the entire post-war boom possible. Or one could continue to ignore Crankshaft, as I prefer. Whose heart is warmed by this drivel? Who’s been waiting years to see Ed crack a dreary dying grin? Do people who read Crankshaft but not FW even know that this is supposed to be Future Ed? Are FW readers who don’t read Crankshaft trying to figure out why Funky is in a nursing home and/or what the f*ck is going on here?

One can safely assume that Funky is eventually footing the bill for this idiotic gesture, probably without even knowing about it too. Funky essentially paid for the SJ collection Cory later pawned (and he’ll be paying for and hosting the wedding too, bet on it) for Rocky’s engagement ring, then he financed the Dick Tracy collection that’s keeping the Korner afloat. And now he’s buying Chester’s already-flailing comic book company some time via his dad’s impulse purchase which also impacts Pete, Darin, Jessica and little baby Skyler. Plus he supplies the town folk with pizza. The guy is the backbone of the entire Westviewian economy and he doesn’t even know it.

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The Price Is Wrong

Link To Today’s Strip

Unfunny premise + unfunny characters = unfunny gags. Connie wryly equates Morty’s sudden burst of altruism with a prescription drug mix-up, which strongly indicates she’s a born ‘n bred Westviewian too. The wryness of her delivery is a dead giveaway, like how New Jerseyans use “f*ck” as a noun, verb and adjective, often in the same sentence, typically while driving.

Now I don’t know whether Morty’s insurance covers it or if Funky’s footing the bill for it or what, but this Bedside Manor seems like a DELIGHTFUL place, all brimming with vitality, life, wisecracks and zany wholesome schemes courtesy of some of the most adorable old coots you’ve ever seen. It makes even regular Westview look like even more of a dump in comparison and it’s gotta be costing someone somewhere a pretty penny to keep housing the totally recovered Mort and his sidekick Connie there when there’s quite clearly nothing wrong with them at all. These are the things you find yourself wondering about when that day’s FW characters are talking about ordering an old catalog from the internet. Sigh.

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Spring Bored

Link To Today’s Installment

Mort has really exceptional hearing too, as he apparently overheard every morsel of Mindy’s tiresome maudlin babbling. The fact that he’s in a band makes his excellent hearing that much more remarkable. I wonder if Fred Fairgood ever stares from his window forlornly and wishes he was stricken with the fun, zany kind of debilitating illness Morty got instead of the shitty one he ended up with.  I’d say it’s a near certainty.

Anyhow blah blah blah, multiple days of characters talking about using the internet…let the wry times roll, eh? They’re gonna buy this rare old catalog, give it to Crankshaft…and then what? Does he die happy (ha)? Does he drool all over it? Given how decrepit Act III FW Ed is, I don’t see many other possibilities there. No one can romanticize old junk quite like BatSnore can. Shitty old comics, decoder rings, VHS tapes, old catalogs, I bet his garage is a real mess.

 

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Grandpa Batom Always Does

Link To Today’s Thing

At least demented, Alzheimer’s-ridden old Morty had a unique FW personality all his own, uninteresting and un-entertaining as it may have been. Now, alas, he’s just like the rest of them. Sigh.

Note to Tom: “Grandpa Google” is never, ever going to catch on, mainly because it doesn’t make any f*cking sense whatsoever. Perhaps it’s almost time to stop carrying on as if The Internet is some sort of newfangled marvel and just allow the characters to use it without acting all incredulous about it.

Coming tomorrow: Mort’s three-hundred pound box of old catalogs arrives and is unfortunately dropped on Ed’s oxygen hose. It crimps and he dies. Entire generations of comic strip readers shrug and/or say “what the hell is a “Crankshaft”?

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Room /Z/

Link To Today’s Strip

See, if you never fully commit to the crossover it’s not shameless self-promotion, it’s just wry Tomfoolery. Everyone remembers the psychotic old school bus driver but no one in the Funkyverse can remember his name…which is Ed. Har-dee-f*cking har-har. After Mindy (shudder) marries Pete and they rent some “young couple just starting out” shitbox in the Montoni’s district will she still remember her grandfather’s (Ed, BTW) name or will she refer to him as “that grandfather guy”? Will Pete call him “your grandfather guy”? The mind reels.

 

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Con Job

Link To Today’s Strip

Good ol’ Morty Winkerbean…BatWards’ worst retcon job ever. Those of you with short memories might not recall the “Funky puts his dementia-stricken father in a nursing home” arc of whatever year that was (2010, maybe 2011?) or how it led to Funky’s near-fatal car wreck or how that arc birthed (sigh) the Starbuck Jones phenomenon. Back then (and until he started smoking cigarettes several years later) Mort was gone, as in all the way. He’d show up on Father’s Day, Funky would wheel him around, he’d mutter a little and that was that.

Fast-forward to mid-2018 and that very same Morton is as sharp as the point on BatNard’s head and twice as witty. Hatching feel-good schemes, cutting records and performing live (only a few years after learning to play the trombone, mind you) AND he’s online too! Why, a reader who didn’t know any better might assume that this “Mort” fella is a brand new character but nope, he’s the same guy who was reduced to drool-cup status a few short (actually extremely long and tedious) years ago.

So I guess what I’m saying here is that BatWrite wasted years and years creating his little stories and creating a fictional universe that not only never went anywhere, it actually grabbed itself by the tail and ate itself. And I didn’t even mention how Crankshaft is somehow way older in FW than he is in his own strip, which is something I’m not even going to comment on as I don’t read “Crankshaft” and never will.

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Did I Forget to Mention, Forget to Mention Memphis?

Home of Elvis and the ancient (band) geeks…Holiday greetings snarkers! It’s TFHackett, guest authoring for guest author SoSF David O.

A Sun session that lasted til sunrise, followed up with a night of fights and gunplay, finally catches up with the gang. Dinkle’s relieved to find the BM’s are nestled all snug in the van, ready for the 700-mile jaunt back to Westview. Sadly, fatigue will soon overtake Harry Dinkle as well; he’ll nod off behind the wheel somewhere along I-40 North, and all will be killed in the crash and subsequent explosion of Carl’s leaky oxygen tank. Thank you, Santa!

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