Global Snooze Farce

Link to today’s strip

For some reason BatNom finds great, great humor in the idea of high school marching band members selling things to raise money for the band. Turkeys, books, chocolate…it doesn’t matter what they’re selling, just that they’re doing it.


“Hi, can I help you?”

“Hello, I’m with the local high school marching band. We’re selling this Belgian chocolate to help raise money for new uniforms.”

(BanTom collapses to floor doubled over in hysterical laughter. Alarmed youngster quickly backs away and flees.)

See, these stupid marching band gags are all rooted in the character Dinkle used to be. Back when he was the megalomaniacal tyrant band director with all sorts of zany ideas, the band fundraising gags were likewise based upon that zaniness. Harry wants to sell band turkeys, Harry pushes the students to sell more and more candy and so forth. As awful as they jokes themselves were, they were at least consistent with the character. It’d make (a little) more sense if the old Dinkle was acting like marching bands represented the height of “culture” and bragging about his “global sales force”, as he was supposed to be delusional and over-the-top.

The problem (apart from the many other ones of course) is that Dinkle isn’t the zany old band director with his eyes always obscured by his stupid hat anymore, now he’s just another squishy old smirking moron who’s really only immediately distinguishable from the other squishy old smirking morons because he’s often standing next to a woman with one arm. The “jokes” are already abysmal but when taken out of their proper context and delivered by the universally-despised new Dinkle they’re just the pointless mutterings of another annoying jerk.

Interesting note: that was the first FW arc in a while that actually contained some sort of factual information, as totally pointless as it was. At long last, I’m finally actually learning something from this strip. I like it and would like to see it become a recurring thing.

“OK Funky, meet me over by the gazebo.”

“You mean the spot where General Cleveland Cincinnati wrested control of Central Ohio away from the hated Swedes back in 1814?”

“Yes, pizza.”



Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

10 responses to “Global Snooze Farce

  1. If anyone ever makes a Funky Winkerbean movie, the perfect person to write, direct, produce and star (as Les Moore) can only be Tommy Wiseau.

  2. billytheskink

    Look at that crowd. No wonder the SWAT team hasn’t entered the building and shut this down, that is a lot of hostages.

  3. And whatever happened to buying American? Especially in Northeastern Ohio, which was devastated by cheap foreign imports. Batiuk is just stinky clueless.

    I never I’d see the day when the highlight of a week’s FUNKY WINKERBEAN strips would be Les Moore’s ass.

  4. spacemanspiff85

    How much did they charge for this stupid band candy? I can’t imagine it’d be possible at all to make up the costs of having it shipped all the way from Belgium. Especially in the 70s or whenever it was that Dinkle actually was a band director. It’s not like fundraiser candy has to be gourmet quality. If anything, it’s the opposite.
    “Would you like to buy an American chocolate bar for $1?” is going to result in a lot more sales than
    “Would you like to buy a Belgia chocolate bar for $20?”.

  5. Epicus Doomus

    spacemanspiff85: While I remember the fundraising arcs, I don’t remember any that were specifically about chocolate. Which brings it all back around to the question of whether he did this entire arc solely to work that “noble piece of chocolate” gag into the strip. It makes even more sense when you look at what a total garbage dump this arc was. There weren’t even any other jokes. What other explanation can there be?

  6. He wouldn’t be Batiuk if he weren’t completely blind and deaf to the obvious implications of his ‘zaniness’……or if he didn’t blow a week reminding us that Ed Crankshaft would like driving a school bus a lot better if he didn’t have to pick up school kids.

  7. Rusty Shackleford


    Yeah, surprised Batty didn’t feature Harry London’s in North Canton, but if he did that, he wouldn’t be able to waste a few days with those bad airport jokes. And wasting time is a big priority for him, so he can spend more time reading vintage comic books and penning articles about how he and Stan Lee think the same way.

  8. Gerard Plourde

    This retcon also ignores the running “band turkey” gag that featured in Acts I and II, which was mildly amusing in its incongruity.

    Dinkle’s mention of a global sales staff, if developed ifferently, actually could have been the basis for a fun take-off on the way high School extracurriculars get funded. Given that Westview’s district is constantly facing rejections at the ballot box of its initiatives for increased funding (probably as a protest that it still inflicts Les Moore on the community), he could have had a trove of possibilities to mine. Instead, we get a one-liner from miraculously no longer deaf Dinkle.

  9. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    I have always believed that even in the Funny Papers, SOMETHING has to make SOME sense on SOME level. But nothing at all makes sense here!

    1) Band candy comes from Belgium? Really? And the president (?) of the company even referred to the product as “band candy?” Really?

    2) He ordered more candy than any individual or distributor in the history of the company? Really? Note I said “ordered.” They have no idea how much he “sells.” He could have just as easily eaten it all or buried it in his back yard.

    3) How long ago did he retire? Only now this becomes a big deal?

    4) There’s an award for something like this?? Really?

    5) He would need to fly to Europe to receive such an award? Oh, there’s a big banquet and ceremony? REALLY?

    I get it that Batyarch loves this character and wants to heap honors on him (in addition to restoring his hearing, making him a world famous author and lecturer, and keeping him at the high school), but none of this makes any sense, no matter what angle you examine it from. This might be among the most forced and contrived Batyuck storylines ever, and that’s saying a lot.

    For once, it would make more sense if this turned out to be a dream, than if it really “happened.”

  10. Hitorque

    Why is Dinkle giving a full, long-winded speech to a non-English speaking crowd again?