Flash in the Brain Pan

Link to today’s strip.

LOOK, EVERYONE!

YES!!  Dullard has had enough of Blondie, and is shoving her out the window!  I hope he immediately regrets this and throws himself out as well!

I was looking over the previous strips this week and thinking, You know, if these characters were likeable, this wouldn’t be so bad.  It’s not funny but it could be tolerable.  Maybe I’ve been too hard on Tom Batiuk.

And then, Tom Batiuk ends the week like this.

Jesus wept.

I understand there are people who really like comic books, and are excited when a new issue comes out, or there’s a comic book convention they can attend.  But the idea of a grown man being thrilled beyond measure to go to a museum celebrating the Flash…that’s just one of the saddest things I can imagine.  What the heck can they possibly have there?

In comics, I know the Flash Museum in Central City is a thing that exists, because it was the basis of a very entertaining episode of the animated Justice League Unlimited series.  There’s a huge difference, though, between the worlds of Justice League Unlimited and Funky Winkerbean.  I know I don’t have to point this out, but in JLU, the Flash is a real person who accomplishes real things, his rogue’s gallery are real people (and a gorilla) who commit real crimes, and superheroes in the real world is something people take for granted.   So, going to a museum devoted to the Flash and his exploits could be quite interesting.

In Funky Winkerbean, the Flash is not, repeat not, a real person.   Despite how hard some people wish that he was.  I can’t imagine how they could make a Flash museum interesting.  A museum of comic books, or of superheroes in general, sure, that might work.   If a friend told me, “Hey, let’s go to the Flash Museum,” the first thing that would come to mind would be a cement-brick basement with a single naked bulb in the center.  A constant sound of water drops.  A fat surly guy would wave me over to a corner to start the “tour.”   And I would think, So this is how I die.

“Let’s not,” I’d say.  “Let’s go bowling, or get a pizza, or – better yet – I hear the local high school is having a graduation ceremony.  That would be more fun.”

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24 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

24 responses to “Flash in the Brain Pan

  1. billytheskink

    Ugh. I think I need to take some Pepto-Bismal before commenting further on this.

  2. Epicus Doomus

    So OK…the “Flash museum” exists, but only with the world of (sigh) Flash comics. Yet Boy Lisa is visiting this fictional museum in a fictional city. How’s he getting there, with his ruby slippers or on a yellow submarine? I was right on the money about one thing…this was even lamer than anyone imagined it’d be.

  3. spacemanspiff85

    What exactly did Jessica and Jessica’s Mom, Who Married John Darling, Who Was Jessica’s Father, Who Was Murdered, do that took both of them? All you have to do to go to a museum is go to a website and buy the tickets. It’s not hard. And if Darin’s reacting to this in such a frantic, insane way, why the hell didn’t he and Pete go to the museum themselves, already? Instead of waiting around for women to take care of everything for them? And you know what’s probably the creepiest part of this all? Jessica’s been away from Darin basically all the time for what, a year at least now? And she calls up her mom and asks her to plan a fun getaway for Darin and his loser friend/coworker? Not Darin and her, and their son? I thought having milk and cookies brought to you while you read comics was Peak Batiuk, but I was wrong.

  4. erdmann

    I quite enjoyed my visit to the Superman Museum in Metropolis (Ill.) last year but Durwood’s reaction is way over the top.

  5. Epicus Doomus

    I have no earthly idea where this “Flash museum” (God help us all) thing is going but I can tell you this: the fact that he pissed away five entire days before establishing the premise does not bode well for the overall content of whatever might be cooking in that comic book-addled mind of his. Usually the characters establish the premise early and repeat it all week, but this time he felt he needed to kill some time first which is downright ominous.

    This really is pretty hilarious. Are we to believe that Jessica’s mother has some sort of “Flash museum” inside connection or something? Maybe she sits on the board of directors? And “downtime between movies”…what? Wasn’t he just coming home from work in Monday’s strip? Jessica sits home all day with that unseen kid of theirs for years on end, then when Boy Lisa has some downtime she secretly schedules a comic book-related getaway for her husband and his best friend? What universe is this TheAuthor guy living in?

    And they both act like this is some huge event, like she just scored them a luxury suite at the Super Bowl or something. How is anyone supposed to even know what a “Flash museum” is, much less why it’s such a big deal? He’s actually managed to find a way to create a cliffhanger ending that absolutely no one could possibly care about.

    To summarize: if the BatNom guy isn’t currently the world’s worst living storyteller they need to re-calibrate the shitty writing-alyzer because it’s wrong. This is just gutless hackery, aimless dilly-dallying to thinly disguise another self-indulgent comic book trip.

  6. GodallmightyDAMNiT!!!! You just KNOW that this will occasion another simpering, whimpering blog post about the stunted people who just don’t appreciate ‘high’ culture like gimmick-laden ‘stories’ about a guy in red who runs real fast punching a guy with a freeze ray or that god-awful serial about cowboys and subterranean aliens.

  7. Chyron HR

    “You don’t need to visit the Seinfeld museum, though. Batiuk’s bringing it to us.”

  8. If you read the blog posted yesterday it will become clear where we are headed here (not that is isn’t obvious), and it’s an obvious ploy to give a felt tip tip to all his fellow fanboys, who no doubt will applaud this insider brilliance.TB even admits he has plans to commit a copyright violation in the service of a D.C. tribute. What gets me is he also talks about how much he learned about art and drawing from The Flash – this from a guy who doesn’t even draw his own strip, and who only recently started giving credit to his artist! There’s more deep irony in one blog post than there is humor in a years worth of strips.

  9. Rusty Shackleford

    Today, Crankshaft describes what it is like to read FW.

  10. Gerard Plourde

    @ Fred Blurt – The information you add shows how little regard he has for his own creation. In order to do his D.C. tribute he willingly throws any remaining internal continuity the Funkyverse may possess out the window. In the same blog post he drops the nugget that Pete will soon be dating Crankshaft’s granddaughter Mindy. How old will she be? Her parents, according to the current Funky canon, were retconned to be already married adults in order to be on hand to intervene on behalf of teen-aged St. Lisa when she was being abused by Frankie.

  11. gleeb

    Mopey Pete always was a creep.

  12. billytheskink

    It has been a year full of dumb misunderstanding plots on the comics page thus far, and this is easily the lamest yet. That’s going up against the likes of Luann, Rex Morgan M.D., and Gil Thorp no less. It is an accomplishment so pathetic that it almost comes around to being remarkable. Almost.

    And I’m sure it says something about me (not a positive something I’m sure) that my first thought upon seeing “Central City” was that this strip was headed toward a Gil Thorp crossover.

  13. DOlz

    @Gerard Plourde,

    ” How old will she be? Her parents, according to the current Funky canon, were retconned to be already married adults in order to be on hand to intervene on behalf of teen-aged St. Lisa when she was being abused by Frankie.”

    I swear the time line in the “12 Monkeys” tv series is easier to follow than the time line in this 1/4″ from reality “comic” strip.

  14. bayoustu

    I like how Durwood is still sporting his angry eyebrows in panel 2 (not quite sure his wife isn’t cheating on him), but as soon as he hears “comic books!”, he’s all: “Yaaaaaaaaay!!!!!”

  15. billytheskink

    In the same blog post he drops the nugget that Pete will soon be dating Crankshaft’s granddaughter Mindy. How old will she be?

    Mindy was roughly the same age as Pete and Durwood back in Act II, when she briefly dated their pal Mooch Myers. That went wrong sometime between Acts II and III, which was mentioned in vague passing several years ago in one of Mooch’s most recent last appearances in the strip.

    So the potential for a ham-handed love triangle is there, if TB hadn’t forgot Mooch existed sometime around March 2011…

  16. Rusty Shackleford

    Guys never say “get out” like that. Only white girls talk like that, though even they stopped saying that back in 2005.

  17. Is anyone else going to be fine with this if it turns out at the Flash Museum you have to run the whole time? Like, if you pause to scrutinize an exhibit a guard pops up out of nowhere and tells you to stop slowing down the crowds?

  18. Don

    “I hear the local high school is having a graduation ceremony.”
    Les: “Graduation ceremony? (facepalm) I forgot all about Summer’s graduation from Kent State!”
    Cayla: “Now dear, you know Summer and Keisha don’t have degrees yet – they’re Division I scholarship basketball players, remember?”
    Les: “But they’ve been in college for five years! Their scholarships have run out! Who’s paying for this? Oh…”

  19. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    “And I also arranged a couples massage and moon lit cruise for you and Pete.”

    “Get OUT!! No, seriously, get out. Pete’s coming over to spend the night, and I told him I ditched you a year ago, so get out.”

  20. Another story that I hope is actually a dream, and we find out Blondie McBimbo has dumped Boy Lisa. And knowing Batiuk, it might be a dream.

    And where on Earth are they getting all the money or this strip. Boy Lisa’s job probably doesn’t pay that much. Blondie doesn’t have a job. The cost of living in that part of the USA is probably high, and they’ve already travelled back to Ohio this year. The Goofymeter is probably in the twenties right now.

  21. hitorque

    1. That *was* a kickass episode of JLU, and I’m betting dollars to yen that Batiuk has never seen it because Wally West is too “next generation” for him…

    2. Why? Why is it so much to ask that grown-ass folks in this strip do grown-ass things for once in their lives? Is Darrin going to Chuck E. Cheese for his birthday next week, too??

    3. Why do Funkyverse women ONLY exist to shamelessly and constantly cater to their husband’s inner child comic fetishes? Is there such a thing as embracing your inner child SO much to the point where you cease to exist as an adult?

    4. So where the fuck *IS* Central City in the Funkyverse? Why is this surprise a Pete+Darrin thing, instead of a Darrin+wife+son thing? I mean, god forbid a goddamned KID in the Funkyverse ever get interested in comic books…

    5. So why aren’t they going to the Starbuck Jones museum? Or is that where Batiuk draws the line and says even that concept is too silly?

  22. hitorque

    6. So why the fuck did we waste a whole week teasing the whole “wifey sleeping around” head fake that everyone knew was bullshit from the start? Batiuk, you do realize that for a storyline this lame, you can just start it with today’s strip, right??

    7. So between Dinkle being the world’s greatest chocolate seller, Marianne Winters suicide fake-out, Funky getting all smartassy with his doctor, Funky’s run-in with the DMV, another lameass 1950s comics flashback, and another lameass retconned Les+Lisa flashback, 2017 is shaping up to be the worst ever year of this strip, right? I mean, we haven’t even gotten to the Pulitzer and Academy Award arcs yet…

  23. Charles

    This is clearly a development that required five strips to set up.

  24. Durwood’s going to be really disappointed when he finds out the “Flash Museum” is actually a room on the Adobe Systems office campus, containing an archive of the popular animation-player software.

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