What Hath Chester Wrought?

Link To Today’s Strip

Sure Pete, wrought iron work like that seems to be a lost art these days, sort of like how it’s been impossible to find actual jokes in FW since 1981 or so. Sigh. At least they’re finally there, although that driveway looks like it could very well take several more weeks to navigate. And speaking of navigating, that’s a spiffy Batiukmobile they’re in, eh? I recall seeing a few of those over in Albania before communism fell, they’d hand them out to all high-ranking party officials. I’m dying to see an arc centering around Westview’s new and used car lot, “Crazy Hektor’s House Of Off-Brand Motor Cars”. I’m assuming that the proprietor of Westview’s auto parts store hung himself years ago after one too many dreary locals came in looking for a rear flangelator for a ’92 Labda 3-cylinder diesel.

I hate how every FW character needs to wonder everything aloud just to repeat the premise over and over. I mean come on BatNard, we f*cking know where they’re going, they’ve been bantering about it almost non-stop for five weeks now. I really hope there’s a valet or something, as I don’t think I’ll survive a week-long arc about those newfangled backup cameras the new cars have nowadays and how much better it was when you had to turn around to see behind you “back in the day”. It’s a near certainty that we won’t know what Chester wants until Saturday, the question is how will he kill the next four days? My educated guess: moronic comic book banter. But you already knew that.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

25 responses to “What Hath Chester Wrought?

  1. erdmann

    So, the joke here is:
    A) Pete’s an idiot who really likes wrought iron.
    B) Pete’s an idiot who is easily distracted and therefore will never suspect Chester plans to sacrifice them to the arch demon Barbatos until it is far too late.
    C) Pete may be an idiot, but even he is tired of rehashing the plot and is eager change the subject.
    D) All of the above.

  2. Jimmy

    I actually find the Epicus reboot compelling. Westview is some kind of closed society experiment where everyone is behind the Iron Curtain. It might explain why there are only two engines of commerce in town.

    Am I wrong that I want Chester to invite them to the property as he hunts…for the most dangerous game?

    • Epicus Doomus

      Batiukmobiles are always compelling but this one is something else again. That is clearly not a car manufactured, sold or commonly seen in the western world. Those weird rear wheel wells, the odd spoiler-like effect over the rear window, that incredibly tiny front end…it’s something you might find in a washed-up shipping container on the beach. It’s probably a “Coreoli” or a “Hyndau” or something like that, some black-market knockoff Boy Lisa scored on the cheap while he was lurking around down by the docks waiting for his stupid pens.

      Westview is very much a closed society and although you can technically check out any time you like you can never truly “leave”. For example, Pete and the vile Boy Lisa. They just wrote and doodled a gigantic Hollywood blockbuster and they’re currently working on multiple sequels. Yet there they are, driving around in some weird Bulgarian car and gawking at the vast estate of a guy who sold a few comic books like he’s JD Rockefeller or something. Just like everyone else from that town they’re boring comic book-obsessed rubes who wander around exchanging wry weary banter while waiting for the inevitable shoe to drop. It’s very much the same kind of fatalistic cynical point of view you’d expect from the citizens of some gray dismal eastern bloc country back in the day. IMO it’s one of the reasons the strip is so annoying…ONE of the reasons.

      • Gerard Plourde

        “Pete and the vile Boy Lisa …just wrote and doodled a gigantic Hollywood blockbuster and they’re currently working on multiple seals. Yet there they are, driving around in some weird Bulgarian car and gawking at the vast estate of a guy who sold a few comic books like he’s JD Rockefeller or something.”

        That’s another aspect of this that’s just not believable. In the real world, Hagglemore’s house would look pretty run-of-the-mill to two successful members of the movie industry working on a successful movie franchise who would be familiar by now with neighborhoods like Beverly Hills, Brentwood and Bel Air.

        Finally, should we be asking what Hagglemore’s source of income is to continue to maintain his lifestyle? The storyline is that the source of his wealth is the sale of a trove of comics. Fine. But he’s living in a mansion with extensive grounds that need to be maintained, employs a butler and a chauffeur (and who knows what other staff) and is still actively collecting, which is an expensive hobby. Even allowing for the lower cost of living in Northeastern Ohio they are still expenses. Maybe we don’t want to ask that question or look too closely at what the Komix Korner may actually trade in.

        • Epicus Doomus

          Pete worked for Marvel, had his own semi-successful comic book title AND became a successful Hollywood screenwriter, yet he’s still portrayed as a “young kid just starting out”. Ditto Darin, who spent a minimum of ten years as a Big City MBA, has been married (to the daughter of a famous TV personality no less) for at least twenty years AND fell ass-backwards into a lucrative Hollywood doodling gig. Somehow they both became naive twenty-something hicks, using garbage as furniture and gawking in slack-jawed wonder at a guy who has a fence around his McMansion. It annoys the hell out of me.

          • Gerard Plourde

            The sheer sloppiness and lack of effort did it for me. I find it totally believable that he just dashes off the first thought that comes into his head so he can spend the rest of the day with his comic collection.

      • hitorque

        Extra hipster points for the dog dish hubcaps!

  3. billytheskink

    Looks to me like Chester’s wrought iron didn’t do its job. Well not the job I would have tasked it with, anyways, which would be keeping these two as far away as possible.

    • Epicus Doomus

      What would make a good Westviewian repellent? Scatter a few real books and salads around? Neatly hang (not haphazardly tape) a few (professionally printed, not hand drawn) “Wry Banter Strictly Prohibited” signs around to demoralize them? Pizza-sniffing K-9 units on 24 hour patrol? A comprehensive ban on nostalgia?

      • comicbookharriet

        “A comprehensive ban on nostalgia?” If we put Batiuk under this law, it would be the Funkyverse equivalent of “Garfield minus Garfield”

  4. redsnifit

    I guess the joke is that Chester is so rich that he can afford a type of metal that isn’t produced in the US. Because apparently it hasn’t already been established that he’s rich. Ha ha ha?

  5. spacemanspiff85

    My guess as to how Batiuk will waste the rest of the week: five straight days of “gosh, I wonder why Chester wants to meet us”.

    • hitorque

      Tomorrow: Driving up long driveway, smirky unfunny punchline…

      Day 3: See Chester’s expensive cars/limos parked in front, smirky unfunny punchline…

      Day 4: Chester’s doorbell plays John Williams’ “Superman” theme, smirky unfunny punchline…

      Day 5: Butler answers the door, smirky unfunny punchline…

      Day 6: The boys are made to wait in a living room the size of an airport terminal, smirky unfunny punchline…

      Day 7: The boys recap everything that has happened so far up to this point in the trademark Batuikian “Wow! A couple of simple smalltown Middle American bros like us who just happen to like comics get to be part of the highest-grossing trilogy ever made and now can you believe we’ve been summoned to the mansion of multimillionaire extreme comics dealer Chester Hagglemore, aged 56, Taurus, never been married and residing at 11934 Anti-Monitor Dynasty Drive, Batiukisburg, Ohio right off the Lt. Col. Hal Jordan Memorial Highway (he was once stationed at Wright-Patterson AFB in you guessed it, Ohio! Don’cha know?) and we have no idea why!”

      Day 8: “What *DOES* Chester want to see us for, anyway?” Smirky unfunny punchline in response…

      Day 9: Chester appears in either in superhero uniform or the best “I’m stupidly wealthy and you’re not!” -manner possible, smirky unfunny punchline…

      Day 10: “Do you know why I called you boys here?” Pete answers in a half-funny smartass one-liner and Chester has the red ass…

      Day 11: Chester starts out telling the long, dull history of some obscure defunct comic book hero or publisher and the boys constantly interrupt him to correct his errors with full snark Geeksplanation every time…

      Day 12: In the middle of fierce nerd debate, Alfred the Butler appears with Chester’s hourly chocolate sundae on a silver platter… The boys deliver a smirky unfunny punchline and then sheepishly ask Alfred for some bologna sandwiches with Nestle Quik and some marshmallows with chocolate bars so they can make smores in the fireplace… Chester casually mentions he has a huge stockpile of chocolate since he always buys the most from Dinkle’s fundraisers…

      Day 13-17: Funky and Les go jogging

      Day 18-24: Jesus Christ look at how dumb, ignorant and indifferent Les’ senior English Lit students are!

      Day 25-29: Bernie Birnbaum and his two requisite black friends eat lunch in the cafeteria

      Day 30-75: Flashback to Bantom Comics, 1958

      • Gerard Plourde

        That’s too close to an actual season of this strip. Have you been peeking at his year-ahead stockpile?

      • If you rearrange the letters in “hitorque,” and substitute every other one, plus add and remove a couple, it spells…”Tom Batiuk”! GASP!

  6. Whatever stupid idea Chester has, we could have groaned about how dumb it was a month ago if we weren’t dealing with a dumb guy’s idea of what suspense is.

  7. hitorque

    So what’s the joke here again?

    These mooks have spent the past two years in Hollywood partying with A-listers and power brokers… This is NOT the first time they will have seen a stately manor…

    • comicbookharriet

      But it’s the first time the stately manor had Comic Book logos on it. So it IS the first time they’ve ever NOTICED a stately manor.

      They have primitive brains…based on comics. Items without comics become invisible to them. To conceive Skyler, Jess had to cover herself with Aquaman stickers.

      • Epicus Doomus

        Those comic book logos are copyrighted material. Just pointing that out. I guess that falls under “fair use”…right Batom Inc.?

      • hitorque

        Jess strikes me as someone who would be down with the whole sexy cosplay thing… I think she could pull off a pretty credible Supergirl or Black Canary for the four minutes it takes for hubby to blow his load…

  8. Rusty Shackleford

    If you think this is bad, check out Mary Worth. Until today, all of 2018 has involved discussion of Mary’s fabulous homemade muffins. Yesterday’s strip was really sappy. Bleh.

    • comicbookharriet

      (Cordially, of course.) Lies! The storyline may have fizzled out, like most Mary Worth stories do…but at least at the apex it had Mary Worth screaming at a man kneeling on her carpet with a muffin perched on his head. Mary Worth always disappoints with a trite ending, but you can count on a decent lead up and climax. Funky is a bland snoozefest from beginning to end.

      • Rusty Shackleford

        Agreed. But the annoyance factor runs high with Mary Worth too. Moy and Batty are peas in a pod.