You’ve Got Fail

Link To Today’s Strip

Slower than THIS?? Please, God, no. If he takes it much slower he might accidentally rupture time itself and send the Funkyverse slowly wobbling into some infinitely boring singularity. Which would probably be a real improvement over watching these two imbeciles pawing at that representation of pizza, now that I ponder it. I can’t wait until Boy Lisa finally arrives back at the humble Fairgood abode, reeking of pepperoni and all hopped up on iced tea and comic book dreams. I’m “sure” Jessica “won’t mind” if Darin doesn’t bother saving her a slice or two as after all, brokering comic book deals all morning can give a young guy just starting out quite an appetite.

Oh that BatWrite, always so topical. Looks like word finally filtered on down to Batom Inc. HQ that the kids today don’t really use the electronic mail so much anymore, what with the texting and apps and such. Thus it’s officially quaint enough for a FW character to use, like that arc a few years back where Funky finally screwed together the courage to turn off the Dolby on his 3 CD changer shelf system. What a memorable fourteen weeks that was.

“The one” what? The “one” that’s the lone female to tolerate his presence without reaching for the taser? The one girl he’s gotten to FW second base (hand holding) with? He should be drugging her and heading for the first available justice of the peace, not dilly-dallying around with Boy Lisa. Remember, this idiot is in his forties here. The odds on him snaring another movie house heiress are slim to none and she knows he writes comic books and she hasn’t run away yet so yeah, it’s safe to say she’s “the one” all right. And if this witty banter is any indication, their nine and a half year email courtship ought to be steaming up the comics page for years to come.

Check out Harry, loafing around while he’s supposed to be upstairs selling comic books. I sure hope John can handle the midday rush all by himself. Or maybe he’s just biding his time, waiting for them to finish eating so he can sidle up to them…”pssst! You guys wanna buy some comic books, man?”. I guarantee it’ll work, too.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

24 responses to “You’ve Got Fail

  1. So, Pete and Mindy are “taking it slow” but Mindy complains if he takes his time responding to her? I know consistency isn’t Tom Batiuk’s strong suite, but he ought to try keeping things together two days in a row.

  2. spacemanspiff85

    What is wrong with the pizza, that it sticks straight out like that? And I get the feeling the artist forgot to draw a face on Funky and scribbled one on at the last second. Man, this art is so bad.

    • Double Sided Scooby Snack

      Not that the artwork is any great shucks, but at least BurchHack does a reasonable job of showing a human life form holding a pizza slice. Here’s how Batty always did it:

      1) Hold out your hand, palm up.

      2) Place the slice of pizza in your palm, with the pointy part of the pizza facing you.

      3) Curl your fingers around the crust end of the pizza.

      4) Bring it towards your yap and take a bite.

      Yeah, not possible. But it’s called “drawing!”

      • comicbookharriet

        To be fair, when the ‘crust’ is a soggy greasy dough mass the consistency of silly putty…that’s pretty much the only way you can eat a slice without a spoon.

        Seriously…that pizza looks PROFOUNDLY unappetizing. It looks like a sheet of mayonnaise with herpes.

    • Epicus Doomus

      It’s all just crushingly awful, even by FW standards. On top of everything else (and this was already mentioned so credit due to that snarker who knows who he or she is) it’s rather difficult to believe that Boy Lisa knows so little about his “best friend’s” ridiculous relationship, especially given how they also work together AND just shared a cross-country drive.

      As far as the pizza goes I have to assume it’s either burned or every single Westviewian carries lap stains on their trousers that never, ever seem to fully go away.

      A Westviewian visits an out-of-town doctor…

      “Sure doc, let me drop my pants here and…”

      “Oh my God what IS that on your thigh? Some sort of gang initiation branding gone awry or something?”

      “Huh? Oh, that? You mean my pizza burn?”

      “Pizza burn?”

      “Yes, pizza burn. You know how when you eat pizza you hold it so it’s perfectly flat but then it always bends and the scorching hot cheese, sauce and toppings fall in your lap and you get burned? Eventually you build up all that scar tissue? What, you don’t eat pizza?”

      “Yeah, but I eat it like a normal person, like folding it over lengthwise or, you know, using two hands or something.”

      (Puzzled expression) “Folding?? Two hands??? Whoa. I…I…TWO hands???? I’ve…I’ve…WASTED MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!”

    • countoftowergrove

      Pizza slices that stick out like that come out of an oven with the vents closed. Lots of bottom heat!

    • Jimmy

      I’m convinced the crust is saltines, with Kraft American slices, Ragu and hormel pepperoni making up the rest. Microwave for 30 seconds and voila! Montoni’s pizza.

  3. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    Mindy may be the one. The one girl who has ever spoken to him, that is.

    If you’re keeping score, recall that they knew each other slightly less than ten minutes before Baggy Eyes skipped town. And now they e-mail each other, apparently. Based on all that, SURE, he’d know if she was perfect for him!

    Or not.

    Batty really needs to ask his straight friends, if any, how this really works.

    • Saturnino

      >>they knew each other slightly less than ten minutes before Baggy Eyes skipped town<<

      Yes, but by that time she had learned that he could change adult diapers so by that reason alone, he's the one!

  4. Epicus Doomus

    If Pete’s goal is to avoid seeing his girlfriend then he’s definitely consulting with the right guy, as Boy Lisa is the undisputed master of ditching the wife. Hollywood bachelor pads, private jets to Ohio, Les Moore book signings, when Boy Lisa feels like doing something he just goes, like the wind. It must be the Frankie in him.

  5. billytheskink

    Are Funky and Crazy STILL eavesdropping on this conversation? They lead such sad lives.

    • Epicus Doomus

      “Hey Funky, who is that guy with Pete? And why is Pete even here?”

      “I dunno, I think it’s Mason or maybe that Buck guy.”

      “Buck? Who the f*ck is Buck?”

  6. Jimmy

    This strip is just a race to the bottom to see which character will be most hated. “They’ll all love Les by the time I’m done with these other terible characters,” Batiuk says to himself with a smirk as he finishes yet another droll installment.

  7. Charles

    “I think she might be the one.”

    Of course she is, because Batiuk can’t think of any other stories for people dating than getting them married. Christ, isn’t this the first time we’ve heard about this since Pete and Mindy first went out? So it’s the second sequence of this couple and Mopey’s already planning to spend the rest of his life with her.

    Also, to change the subject, I’m reminded of something someone told me years ago: “Wearing your tie loose doesn’t make you look unpretentiously casual, it just makes you look like a slob.” Can’t imagine why I thought of that this week.

  8. comicbookharriet

    On the Crankshaft side, “Wait! Don’t open the door until I get my asbestos gloves!” has got to be a sentence for the ages.

  9. bobanero

    Well, they’ve shared a vertical strip together, so it must be serious.

  10. ian'sdrunkenbeard

    “Things are going great with Mindy except for the restraining order she has against me, but I have an old-fashioned plan.”

    “What’s that?”

    “I think a few artistic dick pics will win her over.”

  11. hitorque

    Yeah, Pete loves this future wifey so much he hasn’t even bothered to see her since he’s been back… And I’m amazed at how little time Darrin can spend with his wife and kid even when they’re on *vacation*

  12. Having had a lotta buncha time to think of what really bothers me about today’s “effort”, I think it’s the fact that Zippy The Wonder Slug honestly thinks that he actually is putting effort into his relationship with Incredibly Hot Mindy.

    Oh, wait. It’s actually that this probably is the most he can do. He ain’t no go-getter, he’s a go-whiner.