Sex, Lies And Pizza Mis-shaped

Link To Today’s Strip

Sorry about the title. It’s late. For a strip that features as much pizza-eating as FW does it never seems to really get it right. I realize that’s supposed to be Montoni’s famous indigestible cheese-like substance that’s all stretched out like that but really it just looks like alien goo. And he’d better pay attention there in panel three, as that blob of glop at the end of his slice is about go plop.

“Bleep”??? Man, what I wouldn’t give to have a ringtone that spells words right out in the air like that. This sitcom-like bro-banter is a crime against the language arts all on its own but on top of that is the fact that I have absolutely no idea what these cretins are jabbering about today. What did Boy Lisa assume he knew? Is he talking about this week’s insipid dialog or something else? Is Pete lying about this week’s insipid dialog or something else? Because if Pete is implying that everything he said about his communication issues regarding Mindy was a lie, it means Batiuk wasted an entire week of a six week long and counting mega arc on day after day of absolutely worthless dialog.

And a Pulitzer (nominated) word balloon filler would never do that. Seriously though, if there’s a worse storyteller anywhere on the planet please post a link as I refuse to believe it before I see it for myself. They could have heard Chhester’s offer, taken the job, said goodbye to Mason, Cindy, Cliff, Vera and Marianne, packed up Derwin’s special pens, lugged everything back to Ohio, settled in and ordered a pizza by now with plenty of time left over for wordplay. Yet here they are in week six, making a mess in Montoni’s and sharing cell phone images we can’t see with one another.

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24 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

24 responses to “Sex, Lies And Pizza Mis-shaped

  1. I’ll speculate : a 3 panel strip. Crazy walks over- 1. “The old fashioned way….” 2. “that I used and liked…” 3. “was called snail mail.” Everyone smirks. Really bad, ehh?

  2. I’m going to predict that it will involve sub-idiotic banter between characters I hate. And there’ll be smirks.

  3. Jimmy

    Apparently, Funky put some narcotics on the pizza.

    This looks like it will be a sexting arc, which would make Pete a borderline sex offender when he shares it with Boy Lisa, but we know Batiuk doesn’t have the guts. It’s probably just pictures of milk and cookies or Mindy professing her undying affection for this unloveable character.

  4. I like panel two, wherein Dullard is trying to make a banjo out of the clearly inedible pizza.

  5. redsnifit

    Even in Ohio, pretty sure that showing your girlfriend’s nudes to other people is frowned upon.

  6. spacemanspiff85

    I guarantee Pete asked her to marry him, and she responded yes via text, for some moronic reason. (Both the fact that responded via text, and said yes to him, are moronic, obviously).

    • redsnifit

      I don’t think so, Pete explicitly tells us that Mindy didn’t “say” anything. This tells me that she sent a picture, probably a lewd one. Lewd Mindy.

      Though it’d be amazing if Batiuk turns out to be plumbing new depths of lameness and had Pete propose to her via text.

  7. countoftowergrove

    Given the sleepy eyes, I’m guessing it mustn’t be too exciting.

  8. billytheskink

    I’m ready for Mooch Meyers to set fire to Montoni’s, like he did the high school back in Act II.

    • Epicus Doomus

      At this point even a grease fire in the kitchen would be a welcome interlude. I’ve always theorized that one of the reasons he often interrupts long arcs with brief nonsensical and totally unrelated arcs is that it helps draw attention away from how thin, hapless, inept, boring and predictable his idiotic stories are. I think this arc helps bolster that theory.

  9. Actually, today’s strip has a payoff I find funny. Last Saturday, Pete got an actual phone call from Mindy. And I laugh, now, to think the he didn’t actually answer the call, just got all excited that someone was calling him. It makes Pete into an idiot, and I can get behind that.

  10. Epicus Doomus

    I like how Boy Lisa, who still has to go home and drop this bombshell news on his wife’s head, has to patiently sit there while Pete clowns him over how awesome and fun things are between he and Mindy. Mindy already knows and she’s excitedly texting back and forth with Pete, meanwhile Boy Lisa has to trudge back to his parent’s house and inform his wife that not only are they moving back to Ohio but they might be slumming it for a while until this new comic book venture really gets going. Once again he has to tell his wife they have to follow Pete’s comic book dreams or have no coattail to ride. And he has to sit there and take it, as without Pete he has no options at all, as his MBA appears to have been retconned away some time ago. Too bad he donated all those Phil Holt drawings to Les’ charity (chortle).

    So Darin is totally dependent on Pete. Jessica is totally dependent on Darin. Skyler is totally dependent on Jessica. Therefore Skyler is the most pathetic character in the Funkyverse.

  11. This leads us to the awful possibility that the horrible comic-themed wedding is this year. It also means more having to care about Ed Crankshaft. Yuck.

  12. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    “Oh, DURR HURR HURR! I lied about the email. We actually have a steamy Restricted Text relationship!”

    “Gasp!! Texts! Are you sure you’re ready to take that huge step to exchanging texts???”

    “She’s the only one for me. She’s textworthy. Look at this! She sent me a picture of her doing THAT with a couple guys from the Westview football team. Maybe she’s showing what she’s gonna do to me if we ever actually get together.”

    “Hey, let’s order another pie, Pete!”

    “Sure! I’ve got all night!”

  13. The pizza in panel 3 is crying for this to end.

  14. comicbookharriet

    What?

    For the sake or wringing one more strip out of a lousy week, I’ve decided everything we’ve been discussing the last few days is a lie? Even though I really had no reason to lie? And the strips were presented in a way that made it seem 100% sincere?

    The Fuuq?

    This is nonsensical, even for Funkyverse.

  15. bobanero

    Maybe Pete is showing Durwood the dick pick he sent Mindy? I’m confused. Anyway, this is not only going to be a horrible comic-themed wedding, it’s going to be a horrible Westview-Centerville grand comic strip crossover gala wedding, combining all the characters we hate the most from both strips. Maybe Lena will make the wedding cake.

  16. timbuys

    I’m imagining that just out of frame on panel two, we’re missing the sight of What’s-his-nuts’s jabbing the fingers of his right hand into that greasy sloppy mess of congealed cheese, watery sauce and half cooked dough while he extracts another slice of Westview ecstasy.

  17. hitorque

    1. Is Pete the first single dude in the history of forever who LIED to make his relationship with a single hot girl seem *MORE* chaste than it really is, just so he could drop this well-timed shocker? What an asshole…

    2. Given that Darrin is literally his only friend in the world and the person he spends 9 hours out of the day with, he lies to him pretty often, doesn’t he?

    3. So Little Miss Freak-Next-Door send him a nude and he instantly shares it with his bro? Mindy, this is what’s known as a **RED FLAG**

    4. Okay, Pete is supposed to be a grown-ass man yet like a teenager he feels compelled to announce to the whole world he’s getting laid? What a classless piece of shit loser…

  18. Professor Fate

    That really is just about the most disgusting pizza I’ve seem pictured in this strip why anyone would eat this is beyond me.
    Pete’s showing Boy Lisa nude pictures of Mindy isn’t he? This after he’s whined to get them in the first place.
    FW – it’s keeps all the way down.

  19. Relax–Mindy just texted Pete a picture of herself (fully clothed) holding an issue of Flash comics.