Moronic, Actually

Link To Today’s Strip

Ewwww…what the F*CK is he DOING to that pizza in panel three? Watching that bulbous-snouted imbecile sucking his pizza cheese like it’s a strand of spaghetti is probably the single most repugnant thing I’ve ever seen…not just in FW but ever. I’ve witnessed fatal car wrecks that were less repellent than this. Ditto Mindy’s giraffe neck in panel two, if these two morons ever breed every circus freak show in mid-central Ohio will be banging down their door.

“Yeah baby, I’m considering ditching my wildly successful screenwriting career to write comic books again.”

(Swoon)”Oh…PETE…take me, you courageous manly beast!”

Batiuk is giving us WAY too much psychological insight here…WAY WAY too much. This is obviously the fevered nostalgia-addled fantasy of a very sick man. I’d say that perhaps an intervention is called for here, but first you’d have to find half a dozen people who give a shit and as we all know that’s just not happening.



Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

30 responses to “Moronic, Actually

  1. I think William Butler Yeats said it best when he wrote,
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity for idiotic comic books

  2. Gerard Plourde

    So, correct me if I’m wrong – Pete is the writer and not an illustrator. He could conceivably stay in Hollywood, keep his screenwriter job, write the copy for Chester’s vanity projects and submit it electronically. That plan wouldn’t entail financial risk. The downside would be (presumably) not being able to be with Darin, his significant other (even though illustrators can submit their work electronically as well).

    But, as Epicus Doomus points out, we’ve left any semblance of reality and have entered the realm of fulfilling The Author’s fantasies.

    • Epicus Doomus

      E-lec-tron-i-cal-ly???? Oh no no good heavens no. Comic books have to be written on a special desk in a special studio, with your illustrator pal close by and an objectionable profit-driven taskmaster standing over you. EVERYONE knows that!!!

      • timbuys

        Oh crap, how could you leave out the special pens?

        • hitorque

          Darrin getting a .45 ACP through the dome while trying to hijack a cargo ship moored off the coast of L.A. because of a stevedore strike all in an effort to get his precious art pens imported from Japan was the best ending of any Batiuk fantasy daydream sequence…

  3. Jimmy

    This dullard is not worth the effort. That goes for both of them.

    • comicbookharriet

      Also true if ‘dullard’ means this comic, and ‘both of them’ means ‘Crankshaft’ also…

  4. countoftowergrove

    My prognostication is that Mopey will flee Hollywood for Mindy and Chester; Mopey and Mindy marry; the comic book will fail. Mindy will be the sole bread winner working at the Valentine as they subsist on leftover popcorn. Mindy realizing her error, but not admitting it, becomes queen of the harpies, driving Pete to ride the White Horse and slap Mindy around. The arc of history in the Fungyverse may not repeat itself, but it will rhyme!

    • Epicus Doomus

      Or alternately: Mopey will flee Hollywood for Mindy and Chester, then seven years later Batiuk will re-visit the arc and they’ll get married.

  5. Epicus Doomus

    Beady-eyed nitpicking alert. You know what really annoys me lately? The way the lines around the panels are all irregularly drawn and crooked. Why would he draw the lines freehand like that?

  6. billytheskink

    A comic strip that makes me look incredibly romantic… me, a guy who gets his pickup lines from popsicle stick jokes. Now THAT is a heck of an accomplishment, TB.

  7. What is really horrific is the conceit that a ‘good’ woman is a spineless doormat content to cheer on a comics-obsessed manchild as he forces her to live in penury. It sucks when the grinning she-invertebrate is yapping about her father John Darling who was murdered and it’ll suck as hard when Mindy talks about her grandfather, the curmudgeonly wheelchair bound ex-busdriver whose name escapes her.

  8. spacemanspiff85

    Tomorrow: Pete confides that he’s worn the same pair of underwear for the past year, never showers, never exercises, hasn’t been to the doctor in years, only wants to marry Wonder Woman, and often daydreams about what life with Darin would be like.
    Mindy responds by pouncing on him and trying to do him in the booth.
    None of that would seem the least bit surprising for Batiuk to write.

  9. Chyron HR

    So Pete’s having Montoni’s pizza for dinner two days in a row? How do these people ever manage to poop?

  10. There have been several writers who’ve managed to work in Hollywood and write comics simultaneously (J. Michael Straczynski and Kevin Smith being the most prominent)…but in those cases, if deadline crunches forced them to choose between one medium or the other, movies win every time. Kevin Smith in particular is notorious in the comics industry for the number of projects he’s abandoned or postponed because his movies took precedence.

  11. Rusty

    If these two get married, who gets to wear the Batman costume at the ceremony?

  12. bobanero

    If Pete were going to pursue his own long time dream of developing a comic book franchise based on ideas that he’s developed, it could be considered brave. But he’s going with some asshole who’s only experience in the industry is owning a bunch of rare comic books, and has nothing to present besides some vague notions of bringing back the golden age of shallow, good or evil characters, and a half-assed logo. Yeah, Pete, that’s pretty stupid.

  13. We are dangerously near someone being happy, Batiuk will be putting a stop that.

    • If he does “The Death of Crankshaft” so that Mindy can has sadz, that would be dangerously near readers being happy. It’s the Batiuk Paradox.

      • Gerard Plourde

        In some ways, the Funkyverse already resembles a nightmare of the laws of physics given that both strips appear to be inhabiting the present but Crankshaft characters age and regress ten or so years transitioning between the the two. That said, a simultaneously dead and alive Crankshaft would be The Author’s attempt to actualize the paradox of Schrödinger’s cat.

  14. I think I’ve figured out panel three. Pete’s not eating the pizza, he’s actually building it, the way that paper wasps build their nests out of chewed pulp.

  15. Professor Fate

    Oh god in heaven one does get so bloody tired of the as noted spineless always always supportive ‘good’ women of the Funky verse – from Boy Lisa’s wife being okay with him buying a Flash treadmill and his selling off those covers – the bitter old abandoned artist who did comic covers back in the day – with the proceeds going to Lisa’s cancer fund rather than oh…their kids education, to this “oh you are so brave Pete” moment where Pete talks about giving up a successful (per the strip I know it feels improbable) screen writer a job many many people would gleefully kill for, to write vanity press comics for a guy (and I feel I have to note this again) whose nickname is “the Chisler” I mean come on.
    And again have to note – Pete got fired by whatever comic book company he was working for so one has assume he wasn’t really that good.
    And let’s not get started on Boy Lisa being completely unqualified to be a comic book artist as all he’s ever done are some strips in high school and then storyboards. Big difference .
    Argg this arch is almost a perfect storm of why this strip is so bad – the only thing, well the only two things we haven’t see are A) Les urging Pete to ‘leave Hollywood’ because of what happened to him and b) a mention of LIsa. other than that it’s pretty much covered.

  16. Over at the Batiuk blog, he’s posted a CD cover he did for an Ohio music organization.
    Considering the amount of empty space in the word balloon, would it have killed him to add the word “just” between “isn’t” and “any”? It would make his meaning much more plain, instead of possibly insulting.

  17. DOlz

    TB if you want to show us brave then admit you’re tired of the strip, out of ideas, and just holding for an award and quit.

  18. Hannibal's Lectern

    I dunno… maybe going to work for Chester the Molester is the smartest thing Durwood and Mopey Pete could do. I mean, it’s not like they have any demonstrated film-making talent outside the world of one Rust-Age Komix Book flick whose success, let’s face it, sounds like the most fortunate string of accidents in history. Their chances of landing a job in mainstream movie-making are pretty small… and their chances of doing the job well enough to be successful are even smaller. Maybe they should just take whatever fame and fortune they have (we assume they must have made some money off the movie, which is why they could donate those “valuable” komix book covers to Dead St. Lisa’s Charity Jog-Off), retire to Cancerdeathville to work on Chester’s vanity project, and then get back to the life that’s pre-destined for all residents of the Ahia Black Hole: teaching at the local high school, running a komix shoppe, emptying bedpans at Bedside Manure, or slinging pizza at Montoni’s.

    And dying of cancer, of course…

  19. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    And this evening of wild romance ends up at……. Montoni’s…. for…. pizza.



    “So, Baggy Eyes. Lemme get this straight. You had this job IN HOLLYWOOD, that dropped from the skies into your lap, writing for one of the epic blockbuster movies of our time. And now you want to quit so you can work for some greedy, selfish, delusional, possibly insane idiot. There’s been no talk of how and when you’d be paid. You are such a moron. Hey, I gotta go…”


    “Tommy BatHack!”

    “Mindy, Pete is being offered a job writing Komix books. That’s a job I could never get, and I’m the greatest writer ever! The pay doesn’t matter. He can live at his mom’s house like me and eat free pizza every day. The only thing dreamier than a writer for a Komix movie is a writer of Komix books! I want you to look lovingly into his baggy eyes and tell him how big, strong, and brave he his. Take it from there, aaaaand ACTION!”