See this. This is really depressing in light of yesterday. Yesterday Burchett drew two really fun panels, and showed us that he can do better. Today he couldn’t even manage to phone it in. He had to drunk dial it. I imagine him splayed across his drafting desk, bottle of scotch in one hand, pen in the other, resting his head directly on the desk while scratching this out with one eye open. Or more likely, he doodled it with a stylus on his smart phone in fifteen minutes while on the can, and emailed it directly to the colorist.
Either way, a Charger Chimp sounds like some kind of stupid portable multi-port wireless device battery pack that would be advertised on TV very early in the morning. Use it in your car! Use it on a plane! Any place want, any device you want, your little charging pocket buddy is there for you. Buy the Charger Chimp today! Only $19.99 plus shipping and handling. But wait! There’s MORE!!!!
Son of Stuck Funky 
From now on, I’m calling Hagglemore “Les Luthor”.
Charger Chimp? Is “charger” really a term anyone associates with nuclear energy?
What about Nuclearangutan? Nuclemur? How about Radioactive Rhesus? Geigerilla? Gamma Gibbon? Proton Primate?
Or how about this thing is set in outer space where creatures can look like anything you can imagine and not every character needs to be a primate? Now that I think about this, it makes sense. Even space creatures who look exactly like animals found on Earth is surely stretching the creative ability of this group.
Geigerilla is the love interest. Obviously. Gamma Gibbon is the side-kick since a Gibbon is a ‘lesser’ species of ape. Like how Tonto was written as a ‘lesser’ race of man. #easyundergradhumanitiestarget
Atomacaque could work, and Cayla could play her in the inevitable film.
https://imgur.com/EsbvGLI
I’m looking for “BJ Bonobo.” If you know how bonobos maintain their social order, you can see how that sidekick could make for one very interesting comic. Only problem is it would have to be sold in a plain brown wrapper.
Since he’s a blue robot gorilla, he already has a catch-phrase: “Optimus Primal….MAXIMIZE!!!”
(That’s what Hasbro’s lawyers will tell them when they burst down the door and wheel in the guillotine.)
No surfboard though. Laaaame. However, I would like to see him fly into an exploding moon.
When we’re taking komix, we’re going for Wish Fulfillment. Naturally, EVERY idea these idiots blurt out is a great idea. Batty aims for “Charger Chimp — WOW! GREAT IDEA!!!” but hits “What….? Seriously?”
However, today, the comicsturbation is somewhat interrupted by Mopey Pete – Mister “Writer” – realizing Minty has just come up with two “great” (see above) ideas in a row. Here’s what would be interesting, at least:
“Um, Minty. You were brought here to be the colorist. Maybe you need to go over there, pick up Those Pens You Like, make pretty pictures, and close your yap. I’m The Writer. You’re the Dumb Gorl. I realize you’re the only female life form who can bear to look at me and talk to me, but komix are more important than anything, including gorls.”
“Look, you ugly little dweeb. You got me in the door here, and now I’ve got Hagglestein in my pocket. You’ve served your purpose, so back off. Like all of Batty’s characters, I’ve always WANTED to be a writer, and now’s my chance. I’ve given him two great ideas. You sit around daydreaming about high school. If you want to force him to choose between us, be my guest.”
“DUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHRENNNN!!!!!!!!”
Chernobyl Chimp. That would make sense.
The comics reader AND PURCHASER in me will not stop internally screaming about how NONE OF THIS WILL EVER SELL because I have been in a comic shop in the last 30 years, unlike SOME BATIUKS I COULD NAME.
On Writing – The Batiuk Method
1. Name your characters.
a. Try to name them alliteratively
b. Failing that, name them descriptively (e.g., they may be ‘good’ or they may resemble a ‘shaft’).
c. Failing that, attempt whimsical wordplay.
d. Failing that, forget about your characters.
2. Hand your now completed script to an artist who actually managed to find gainful employment with a comic book publisher (c.f., newspaper syndicated ‘comic strip‘)
3. Talk a lot about writing.
4. Count to fifty.
1. Look… I realize Batiuk is running out the clock and he has a lot of wish fulfillment to get done between now and President-Elect Darrin Fairguud in 2022; but seriously – Does *every* stream-of-consciousness idea pulled out of a character’s ass after three seconds thought have to be THE GREATEST IDEA EVER TO GRACE THE COMICS INDUSTRY SINCE THE WATCHMEN TEAMED UP WITH THE TRANSFORMERS TO KILL NIXON WHILE FIGHTING THE POST-CRISIS DC HEROES IN AN ALT-REALITY ZOMBIE MARVEL MULTIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111
2. But seriously — I want to write comics in the Funkyverse because the average comics reader there has the lowest expectations since the history of forever, and no comics-related venture is ever allowed to fail commercially, period.
2A. At least I finally understand why Pete+Darrin are *SO* fucking lazy and uninspired. Wouldn’t it get boring fast if you woke up every morning and pissed out guaranteed $100 million ideas? It’s like they activated a cheat code for real life and now with Godmode on, infinite money and everything unlocked, the game has no challenge anymore…
3. What the hell is Cue Ball doing there anyway? I thought Pete+Darrin took this job on the condition of 100% complete creative autonomy?? Well let’s be honest — Pete/Darrin/Musty were almost certainly shooting rubber bands at each other until they heard someone coming upstairs and went into “Oh shit! Gotta look busy!” -mode
4. It’s funny because they’re all standing around like a bunch of assholes since Chester the Molester never bothered to put in some kind of conference room in a nine-story warehouse custom-built for three employees…
Alliteration….another thing that isn’t always quite as hilarious as BatNard believes it is.
Among the other problems with the Chimp sidekick – a repeat of Moon Mile Meek anybody? – is that a chimp almost automatically means “hi I’m the comic relief’ in comics and TV. But whatever Tonto was he wasn’t used as comic relief – yeah he was very much the junior partner for sure but he wasn’t there for laughs.
Sorry if this sounds like it’s just nitpicking. When I was a kid I was a fan of the Lone Ranger and Tonto (the TV show when it was in syndication) and I rather resent the Author getting his stupid smug paws on the template and then forgetting what it is so he can make a cheap Chimp joke.
Anyway speaking of the Lone Ranger this remains one of my favorite dumb jokes:
“Tonto we’re surrounded by Indians!”
“What’s this we white man?”