Crap Is On The Other Side Of This Door

I had no idea playing the lead in one (or is two now?) sci-fi movies opens enough doors for you where you can just create movies by yourself. And this is another in the long tradition of Batiuk using “witty” or “funny” sayings that really make no sense, apart from not being funny at all. The doors are already opened, Les. I don’t think it matters what’s on the other side.
Do you think that’s still Cindy there, or just a blonde wig on a stick? They’d both work about as well in their job of sitting quietly while the menfolk handle business, which is all Cindy has done since Les showed up.

40 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

40 responses to “Crap Is On The Other Side Of This Door

  1. Epicus Doomus

    “Les frets over a film adaptation of his cancer book”…the most chilling premise summary ever written, my friends. What I’m mostly feeling right now is demoralized, like when you have tickets for a ballgame and you wake up to the sound of pouring rain or when your doctor begins a conversation by saying “I’m terribly sorry, but…”. Bringing “Lisa’s Story” back is the worst thing that could happen in the Funkyverse by a wide, wide margin.

    It will lead to week after week of Les and not just Les but whiny, unbearable “Lisa’s Story” Les, the worst kind of Les there is. If you think FW has been maddening lately just wait til you get a gander at one of BatYak’s “LS” victory laps, which were a staple of the strip back in early Act III. Oh, this is bad, very very bad. If he actually goes through with this and they really do make a “LS” movie it could mean literal YEARS of regular Les appearances, three, four, even five weeks at a time. “Les flies to Hollywood to take part in LS casting”…”Les is concerned that the actor playing him looks too old”…”Les visits Gazebo Park to check in on Ghost Lisa and ask her for advice about the movie”…(shudder).

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      That’s one of the worst things about this strip’s damnded Hollywood arcs: that Les or Atomik Komix would have total say over films based on their writings. They wouldn’t. Even established Hollywood directors don’t always have final cut privileges, much less the ability to hire all their friends as actors. But friggin’ Les Moore gets total veto power over the pettiest details of his precious Lisa’s Story.

  2. louder

    Of course, that’s how Hollywood works! Starsuck is a SyFy hit, the actor, whose only had one hit, can now pick-and-chose his roles, no problem! Here, let me throw a couple of million at you. And the writer? who walked away from his only picture, costing the studio a lot of money, well, he’s an added bonus. Nothing can go wrong here, Oscars for writing and acting are a lock. It’s like I can see the inner workings of Hollywood without being there. I haven’t seen this kind of Hollywood fantasy since Diane Selwyn’s dream.

  3. All of Les’ “profound” or “witty” or “insightful” sayings can easily be summed up thus: “This means nothing, but it sounds cool, right? Like something a cool, hep daddy-o would say? And like, the chicks would look at him, and like sigh and stuff?”

    While, of course, Tom Batiuk shamelessly counts his awards. “Oh, thank you, New York Times! I’m gonna get an Oscar, I’ll get that damned Pulitzer, and maybe, oh just maybe–a Nobel!”

    This is really making me physically ill.

  4. William Thompson

    “You never know what’s on the other side of the door?” Like in panel 2, where it’s Funky and, I guess, PTSD Boy, struggling to move a small table while two Lethal Leaves tumble to the ground. Does this mean that Funky and Walleye will die, turn into rampaging ghouls, storm into Montoni’s and strip the living flesh from the customers? Whatever works, I guess, if it means an end to the Bull Suicide story, but it would be just like Batiuk to have Linda walk in tomorrow and drag the CTE story back from the grave.

    • spacemanspiff85

      I get the strong impression that the only parts of working at a restaurant Batiuk knows about are asking customers for their order, moving tables around, and refilling coffee at the bar.

  5. spacemanspiff85

    You know what’s a very good indicator of how important Bull and his horrendous death arc is to Batiuk? I went back to look at his blog over the past five or six weeks, and he didn’t mention Bull or that storyline even once. It’s just the usual garbage of comic covers he likes, fifty year old Flash storyline reviews, and random excerpts from his books. You’d think his blog would be a good spot to maybe give a little insight into such an important storyline, but apparently not. Apparently that interview with the New York Times was all the effort he could expend on the subject.

    • Epicus Doomus

      I noticed that too, not a word about the Bull arc. The timing here is just surreal. He’s trotting out his biggest prestige arc ever right at the tail end of what was supposed to be another major prestige arc before the new one was even finished. One day we’re watching Bull’s funeral, a few days later we’re discussing a “Lisa’s Story” movie…again. It’s a weird f*cking tonal shift, it’s jarring, like your car’s airbag going off.

      I have to believe there’s still more to the Bull arc. It’s totally Batiuk’s style to suddenly drop stories and go off on weird tangents for a while before returning to them, as it gives him the opportunity to stretch them out for all they’re worth by rehashing the premise four or five times to get readers “up to speed”, which wouldn’t be necessary if he’d just tell a story instead of taking four week breaks to tell other ones that never get finished either. It’s like the whole thing is just a huge scam.

      • William Thompson

        We’re now being reminded that Creepy Les wrote a moving and inspirational trilogy about death, which makes him ready to do it again. It would speed up the story if Linda came to Les and said, without barfing or looking bored, “You wrote a wonderful book about Lisa. Could you do the same for Bull? People need to know what CTE is like.” But if it sped up the story, Batiuk would have to skip the filler and work harder.

    • hitorque

      It’s clear that Batiuk has a decades-long grudge against high school jocks, who are always dumb, crude, indifferent and petty pranksters/bullies (unless of course they’re girls, in which case they’re always scrappy underdogs heroically prevailing though unbeatable odds so often that the strip might as well be temporarily renamed “Gilberto Thorpe”)

  6. billytheskink

    Well the good news is that Les’ time on Let’s Make A Deal would be mercifully short.

  7. ian'sdrunkenbeard

    I would love to see the return of ghost Lisa. “Le-e-e-sss! Le-e-e-ss! Take the kill feeeee, L-e-e-esss!”

    It would be great if he finds another VHS tape.
    “Cayla, where’s my old VCR?”
    “I threw that old piece of junk out ten years ago before the last time jump!”
    He finally gets Crazy to play the tape. Lisa tells him that if he ever decides to make a movie about her untimely demise, he must get Ally McGraw and Ryan O’Neal to portray them.

    • Epicus Doomus

      Mason will play Les and Marianne Winters will play Lisa. There will be a strip where Les sees Marianne in her Lisa getup and becomes emotional…”Lisa????”. This is a near certainty.

      • Doghouse Reilly

        Please tell me, Epicus, that this storyline will end with Les climbing up the Hollywood sign and jumping off.

        • William Thompson

          Les won’t jump. The letter Y will turn itself into a giant slingshot and hurl him into the eastern slopes of the Palos Verde peninsula.

      • Good God that’s terrifying.

        • Epicus Doomus

          Or perhaps Cindy convinces Mason to make it a documentary centering around the many loved ones she left behind in Westview…featuring “special archival footage” from the Les Moore collection.

      • Chyron HR

        You really think Bantom remembers who Marianne Winters is?

        • Epicus Doomus

          I’m beginning to believe he created Marianne specifically to eventually play Lisa in the LS movie. Just look at her impossibly wholesome life…lives in humble Hollywood home with her mom/biggest fan, nearly killed herself over a harmless kiss, ridiculously twee. All she needs is a Lisa bob-cut wig and she’s good to go.

          • hitorque

            Also, Winters good-looking in that cliche girl-next-door, approachable way without being *TOO* good looking like that insta-boner, shoot-off-in-your-pants, ED-curing Cinemax softcore All-Star whose name nobody can remember…

            I always though that Les’ daydream about the 1940s writer being seduced by a sexpot actress angling for an expanded role in the movie was related to his un-acknowledged impure thoughts about the woman playing Lisa; but that would have been you know, interesting and displays a character depth that Les simply doesn’t have…

      • spacemanspiff85

        Marianne Winters is expecting too much for Batiuk. I’ll be shocked if Lisa isn’t played by Cindy. “Wow, the least popular girl in high school being portrayed by the most popular girl in high school! Lisa sure would be thrilled!”

      • hitorque

        I *really* hope that with her new mega-stardom, Miss Winters can finally afford to move out of her mom’s house and buy a car so she won’t have to bum rides to the studio anymore…

        I also hope that she grew a thicker skin and matured a bit, given that she almost committed suicide after some random nobody trolled her on twitter…

      • hitorque

        I always wondered how Lester would have reacted once he saw that hottie with the 44-EEE warheads in “Lisa” hair and makeup, but the moron invoked the “kill fee” (lol) before we could even get to that point…

  8. William Thompson

    Look! In panel 3! Les’s hand has developed a mind of its own and is ready to slap him!

  9. Charles

    I love how Les’s comment implies that Mason’s going to regret optioning and making a movie out of that turd of a nook. I’m absolutely sure that wasn’t intended.

    Of course, Batiuk could have screwed up and thought Les’s line would be referring to himself, in which case he just insulted Mason. Dude just can’t do anything right.

  10. Paul Jones

    He should hope that they do “ruin” it by making it more upbeat. If they tell the story accurately, he’ll have to be depressed by reviews that call her a shrill irritant who thought being reassured meant being told that she was a stupid woman who had to be told how to feel and himself a passive and cowardly nitwit too stupid to know what was going on around him.

  11. ComicTrek

    In which case, it’s Funky and a random dude moving a small table. Congrats.

  12. Didn’t Wally quit after his graduation? I thought there was something about Adeela taking his old job.

    • billytheskink

      No, because Wally graduating and going on to non-pizza things would almost make sense.

      What happened, rather, was that Funky hired Wally to be Montoni’s night manager, as the unnamed previous night manager had just quit. Rachel then quit Montoni’s to go earn an art teaching certification and Wally hired Adeela to replace her. This was a stupid mess on several levels:

      1. Wally had already worked at Montoni’s for years (starting in February 2010) and we reasonably assumed he still worked there even as he finished school at Kent State/community college/whatever (granted, the last time we saw him actually working there before graduation was August 2015).
      2. Funky scoffed at Wally’s request to apply for the manager position that Durwood vacated when he moved to California in late 2015. Apparently Funky required a college degree to fill his manager position, except for the fact that…
      3. Funky leaves Cory and Rocky in charge of Montoni’s while he and Holly drive to Florida to pick up Holly’s mother in August 2018. Neither Cory or Rocky have college degrees or significant restaurant experience (Cory bussed tables in high school). Heck, they don’t even have more military experience than Wally, and they sure as heck don’t have
      4. Rachel, who began working at Montoni’s during the Clinton administration, was never considered for any permanent or temporary management position despite her decades of experience working with pizza.
      5. Neither Rachel nor Wally can work while going to school?
      6. New Montoni’s employee Adeela’s degree is in architecture, and can apparently get an H1-B visa to work in the specialty occupation of pizza restaurant “day person”.
      7. Montoni’s does enough business to employ Funky, Holly, Wally, and Adeela and kick some money out to Tony? It has done enough business to employ, at one time or another over the last 15 years: Rachel, Khahn, breakfast pizza-app Durwood, Carlo Mastriani (hater of hot dogs), Les (oh how can he afford Kent State on a teacher’s salary?), Lefty, Sadie Summers, Summer, Keisha, painter Jim Mateer, Cory, Rocky, and Tony on a full-time basis?

  13. Banana Jr. 6000

    “Playing Starbuck Jones opened doors in Hollywood for me…” Really, Mason Jar Jar? That movie was exclusively staffed, produced, and watched by people from Westview. But now you’ve got the clout to get movie jobs for people from Westview.

  14. Professor Fate

    1) Have to note the return of the Hatchet face in the last panel. Thinking about it the Author’s use of these smirking faces as someone delvers a punchline (oh whatever this was) is equivalent to a tv series laugh track or worse a scene in a movie were they have extras cracking up at something the lead says. It’s trying to jab you in the ribs and say ‘hey this is funny laugh laugh” . it does not argue confidence in your material.
    As for the Not knowing what’s on the other side of the door bit- well it explains far too much about EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER in the strip. It’s the motto of a who never dared spread their wings, never left their little home town, stayed wedded to high school and comic books. Never grew up and never lived and stayed in defensive crouch until they died.
    Brutally depressing but this seems the Author’s view on the way to live your life.
    Last quick thought – How is someone who has a reoccurrence of their cancer and then just dies a movie? it’s barely book. There was no understanding in this story about how life is precious and your time is short and you don’t really know how much time you have. No all that happens is you get sick, you go blind and then you die, taken away from this mortal coil by Masky McDeath. All is gloom except for pizza and comic books which frankly ain’t enough.

    • The movie will be entirely about Les. Lisa will barely be in it.

      Just think: Les will get to soliloquy all over the place. “Oh, how this world delights in tormenting me, and flinging me into suffering! I wanted to go into the bathroom and mope, but of course she’s in there throwing up. Must I endure this fungous horror for all eternity?!”

  15. hitorque

    In true Funkyverse tradition, the chance of a lifetime comes and a legacy character tries to talk their way out of it…

    Too bad lawyers don’t exist in the Funkyverse so Les could negotiate from square one full creative control over the script… But even if they did exist, Les wouldn’t have had the common sense to make the demand until the movie was actually shooting…

    As an aside, 1. Where he hell IS Cayla these days anyway??

    2. Does Les even still teach at Westview anymore?? No way is the school system going to give him another three-month hiatus from work, right?

    • Charles

      In true Funkyverse tradition, the chance of a lifetime comes and a legacy character tries to talk their way out of it…

      Mason gives Les a lovely punchbowl and naturally Les feels he needs to drop a turd in it.

  16. The Dreamer

    actually well known actors who make superhero and/or scifi movies get tons of money and in fact often are promised if they do this or that superhero movie, that the studio will back them in this or that vanity project. This is VERY common, so the author of today’s item is flat wrong. Scarlett Johansson has two vanity movies coming out that are purely because she did the Avengers movies and was owed the favors. Mason was clearly owed favors for making Starbuck Jones I and II

    • William Thompson

      So the doors that opened for him put him on the casting couch?

    • Charles

      Thing is, though, that’s not usually the case for someone who has only starred in one successful movie. They need some sustained success such that their name carries weight with audiences. It’s not just one hit. It’s multiple hits.

      And Batiuk hasn’t done that with Mason. Mason’s only other credit that Batiuk has mentioned is some movie called “Dino Deer”, which wasn’t an august enough credit for Mason to prevent Pete from making fun of him. (check the 4/9/16 strip) Aside from that, Batiuk hasn’t done any background on Mason’s career whatsoever.

      So while it’s far from the most egregious thing about this development, it’s not terrifically realistic either. Mason hasn’t shown enough sustained success to suggest that he could write his own ticket.

  17. William Thompson

    “Unfortunately all those doors were marked ‘Exit.’ But I’ll show them all! I’ll film Lisa’s Story on my own nickel, which is all it will cost anyway! Cindy will handle the camera! We’ll use actual locations and period clothing, since nothing ever changes in Worstview! We’ll have the people who knew her play themselves–uh, Les? Did Lisa actually know anyone beside you and your son? The book is vague on that.”