If Only, Les, If Only

Link To Today’s Strip

Um, Les, that doesn’t really address her question at all. She didn’t ask if you wanted sparkling water, she asked if you wanted a drink. There are many, many other drinks than sparkling water. It really wouldn’t surprise if Batiuk constructed the past two weeks just so he could use “sparking water-boarded” as a punchline.

I do like how even though she says it’s nice to meet Les, Cassidy Kerr is not actually touching him. Her face in the third panel seriously disturbs me, though.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

38 responses to “If Only, Les, If Only

  1. Banana Jr. 6000

    Oh, we wish you were being sparkling water-boarded to death, Les.

  2. Epicus Doomus

    There’s no bottom here, obviously. I hate Cruella…I mean Cassidy already. And I’d sure like to waterboard Les, except I’d skip the water and go straight to board, preferably a hickory one with lots of long rusty nails in it.

    One of the more overlooked annoying things about these Hollywood/Lisa’s Story arcs is how they’re apparently supposed to be funny, like these are actual clever jokes here. If someone writes a joke and they’re the only person who laughs at it is it still a joke? That could be FW’s tagline.

    And am I to believe the events of this arc have taken place over the course of ONE MORNING? Good God, man. At this rate this arc will be still going on long, long after we’re all dead and gone. Continental drift moves faster than FW does.

  3. billytheskink

    Oh man, I thought Mason had a shnozz… but Cassidy is sporting a full-on ski jumping slope.

    Dig that wicked furniture, though. I think my parents bought some just like it at Garden Ridge Pottery back in 1994.

    • justifiable

      The terrace at the Marmont really does have rattan furniture, but it’s a lot better quality than Ayers shows. Trust him to render a garden-type oasis as just another setting for elbows-on-the-table Less to pitch his bitch.

      • comicbookharriet

        He basically makes it look like the Mexican cafe from the beginning of Jurassic Park. “HE’S PITCHING A CANCER MOVIE!….See? No one cares.”

  4. William Thompson

    There’s no camera, you two, so you can stop posing for it and look at one another–oh, my lord, never mind!

  5. William Thompson

    There are times when a double-bagger date is justified. This is one of them. Cassidy, pull a bag over Les’s head. Mason, it’s your turn to bag Les next. Both of you, use plastic!

  6. Anything with Les in it is automatically terrible. It’s astonishing to me that Batiuk thinks there’s anything worthwhile about the character, let alone making him the star.

    • justifiable

      Since Less is Todd’s literary surrogate in every way, his enormous ego will not allow the possibility that you don’t find Less completely fascinating, admirable, and absolutely the most worthwhile character in shoe leather.

    • Epicus Doomus

      The single worst character in the history of fiction. If “worst FW character” was a horse race, Les would be in the stall eating some oats and having his legs iced before the rest of the (very crowded) field entered the backstretch, a wreath of stink blossoms around his victorious bearded neck.

      • spacemanspiff85

        I don’t know. I think Lisa, and Dinkle, and Linda, and Buck, and probably five or so other characters I can’t remember would be right behind Les.

        • Epicus Doomus

          When ranking the worst FW characters you have to throw Les out, as he ruins the whole curve. To use another dumb racing analogy, if the rest of the characters are race horses Les is an F1 car. My personal rankings? Act III incarnations only…

          2. Ghost Lisa
          3. Dinkle
          4. Summer
          5. Boy Lisa
          6. Linda
          7. Becky
          8. Pete
          9. Chester
          10. Skyler

          It used to be GL and Summer 2-3, but Dinkle has passed Summer by. Her early Act III body of work cannot be ignored, though. Believe me, I’ve tried. 5-6 could go either way, but again, it’s a body of work issue there. A few more Linda appearances could nudge her up the ladder. Becky is technically only 3/4s of a character but I’ve always disliked her nonetheless. Pete and Chester means comic books, so yeah. And Skyler was quite the little snot over the holidays, so he bumps Adeela off the chart.

          • ian'sdrunkenbeard

            At first I was thinking of punchable faces, like Peet, and Bukk, but you said the worst. Your list is good, but I would put Peet just below Boy Lisa, no pun intended. I would remove Skyler enetirely. I enjoyed his brattty outbursts, but to paraphrase the Simpsons, “Bad child.” “Uh uh. Bad parents.” Bukk hit on a widow whose husband has only been dead a few months. I’d put him over Chester, in slot #9.

            You guys have been on fire with your comments lately. WT made me lol yesterday.

          • Hitorque

            No Cindye?? She’s my all-time top 5

          • William Thompson

            Wouldn’t it be easier to draw up a list of FW characters who aren’t despicable? Buddy, le Chat Bleu, Zanzibar the murder chimp . . . uh, is “must be human” a requirement, or would that automatically disallow all the characters?

          • billytheskink

            This might be something genuinely interesting to poll SOSFers about. Les would undoubtedly come out on top, but there could be quite the race for spots 2-10 on the collective SOSF hate index. Would recency bias elevate the Starbuck Jones-adjacent characters over earlier Act III awfuls like the aforementioned ghost Lisa and Summer, thirsty Susan, thirstier Cayla (before she became infuriatingly spineless and pitiable), bad parent Funky, pushover parent Holly, Owen and Cody (remember them?), etc?

          • Epicus Doomus

            Those are just my personal unofficial rankings and do not reflect the views of SoSF. If I had to rank my most hated “new” Act III characters only I’d go with…

            1. Chester
            2. Skyler
            3. Buck
            4. Mindy
            5. Adeela

            This race is way, way closer, too close to call in fact. Ruby, Cliff and even Cody are most definitely in the running too.

  7. justifiable

    This really is a fresh hell.

    Typical Todd. He honest to Christ does think that the only reason women were put on earth was to wait on men. Kerr is a production exec, the CEO of her own company. She might announce what she’s having, but no way in hell would she be solicitously taking Less and Masonne’s drink orders.

    And how the hell does Masonne even know her? Just before he got the Starbuck Jones film, he was an actor who was only “meh” about “chick flicks” like Less’s movie – action films were more his speed. If they are acquainted, why was she his third choice to pitch to, and not the first? And what’s with “all morning”? Have these idiots been pitching to even more people, so that this property is now completely radioactive?

    And Ayers also fucks up here. Air kisses do not look like this – are these two posing for a Prom photo or what?

    • William Thompson

      They look like ham actors who hate one another and are trying to get their full faces on camera during a love scene. Or maybe she had a walk-on role in the Starsux movie and is reliving her moment of glory: “Greetings, Earthling! I am a Martian! This is how we reproduce!” (It was a cheap movie, so you can imagine how much they saved on make-up and prosthetics with her.)

  8. Doghouse Reilly (Philadelphia)

    Deleted Fourth Panel: Masonne cracking an even bigger forced smirk as he exclaims “Heh, heh! What a kidder Les is! And that’s just a sample of the crackling wit and airy persiflage you’ll get from his script, Cass!” as he sharply kicks his pitch partner in the shin under the table.

  9. spacemanspiff85

    If anyone wants a good laugh, check out Batiuk’s blog where he shows his “Flash on the cosmic treadmill” figure, on his bookshelf full of Lisa’s Legacy Run prizes. The first of the two funniest bits is “I was caught-up in some really sweet writing yesterday and never got to my Flash Friday entry.”. By which I can only assume he was caught up in someone else’s really sweet writing. And the second is how he turned a Lisa’s Legacy plaque sideways on the bookshelf in a way you never really would normally, just so the camera can highlight it.

    • justifiable

      Dear Tapdancing Fancy Jesus, save us from Todd’s notion of “sweet writing.” And who’s the woman on the award plaque? Because that sure as hell is NOT Lisa.

      P.S. I’ve never liked the Flash, so I’m doubly pleased Batiuk’s obsession with it can’t ruin something I hated anyway.

    • Epicus Doomus

      LOL I saw that “really sweet writing” thing too and had the same thought…”whose writing?”.

  10. Paul Jones

    In the real world, someone would get sick of Les’s insufferable whining and poine that maybe the wrong spouse died. No such luck here.

  11. comicbookharriet

    Ugh. Cassidy looks like one of those really awkward huggers that smashes her cheek against your cheek because she hates the feeling of chest to chest contact. Literally the most passive aggressive hug type after the prolonged embrace with overly violent back slaps.

    Also. I can’t live without (flavored) sparkling water. I drink ice mountain lime like a CO2 powered fish.

  12. Hitorque

    Why is this woman asking them for drink orders at a restaurant unless she’s buying? And why would she be buying at a business lunch?

    Leslie’s joke might have at least made sense if he was still in an office, but at a restaurant it’s lame as hell

  13. sgtsaunders

    Lisa’s Story has John Waters written all over it. Let’s cut to the chase.

    • comicbookharriet

      This summer, you will believe a man can be an egg.

    • Epicus Doomus

      How about David Lynch? After an extended dream sequence where Les imagines himself as a large stuffed rabbit, he visits Lisa on her deathbed only to discover that she’s inexplicably become Bill Pullman. Masky McDeath appears and reveals he’s actually Frankie. Les then uses a mysterious time portal to go back into the past to warn Lisa, who is now known as “Brenda”, leading to a strange sequence of events ending with Les asking what year it is.

  14. Count of Tower Grove

    I wonder if Arthur Lubin could make a jingle about Cassidy Kerr’s equine face?

  15. Perfect Tommy

    I’ve got this gal as part of a $5.00 exacta.

  16. Banana Jr. 6000

    Why does Cassidy sit in Les’ seat?

    In Panels 1 and 2, Les is looking to his right at Mason and Cassidy, and the table is between them. But in Panel 3, Cassidy is now sitting where Les would have been sitting. Les has moved to the other side of the table and is now looking to his left.

    Clearly, they’re seated in this order so the word balloons in Panel 3 would read left-to-right. But all Batiuk had to do to achieve this was have the two characters enter from the left.

  17. Doghouse Reilly (Minneapolis)

    I’ll take being sparkling water-boarded over being sparkling word-played to death.

  18. Professor Fate

    I think the water boarding of Les would play well in China.