Yes, Les, please don’t talk. You know what would be useful before you spend half the day meeting with Hollywood executives? If you discussed your plan with your partner beforehand, so they’re not openly angry and baffled constantly, and you don’t look like squabbling children in front of the people you’re trying to impress.
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Son of Stuck Funky · The web's premiere source for Funky Winkerbean snark
Son of Stuck Funky 
I can’t even read this f*cking shit. It’s the only thing approaching “action” in this arc so far and it’s sidewards and impossible to read without effort, which I refuse to exert. BanTom didn’t, so why should I?
I got a preview of the screenplay.
“You see, ‘Lisa’s Story’ is the greatest book ever written. Yeah, I’m shoving in movie references I barely understand. The point is, ‘Lisa’s Story’ is a masterpiece of writing, so MUCH SO that Hollywood types cannot comprehend how great it is. Oh, sure, they’ll SAY it’s great, but they know the audience is exclusive and they won’t get their China millions if they produce it, so they say it doesn’t have sequel potential or whatever. The thing is, it’s the best book ever, and you should buy it. In fact, you should spring for the trilogy. And just to be sure, you should spring for the autographed trilogy. No, you’ll never see this compelling story on the big screen–because that screen isn’t big enough. Buy my books!”
Please let this titanic conflict destroy Less and Mess’s fiendship, er, friendship. I’m ready to see Messon Jarre vanish forever.
Couldn’t we keep Masonne and have Les vanish forever?
If this kills the movie, we’re in for a week of Les bloviating over Hollywood’s inability to appreciate his genius. And you have to admit it takes a rare kind of genius to ruin an opportunity like this–and what’s rarer than genius in this strip?
I love the “not having a casting director part”! Proves that they’re shooting “Lust for Lisa” as porn.
It’ll be a cast of two, apparently, because according to BatYam “casting” takes fifteen seconds.
Any profession that isn’t Todd’s is basically unimportant, and naturally takes no training, experience or talent whatsoever. Anyone can Dunning Kruger do it.
It has to be Marianne, as she’s the only actress in the Funkyverse other than Vera, who’s a little long in the tooth to be playing Lisa, alive or dead. I seem to recall there being a Lisa on the “Lust For Lisa” set but I could be mistaken and I’m assuming she isn’t in consideration anyhow.
You’re right about Marianne. It isn’t just that Batiuk is too lazy to create and draw a new character (who would look like Marianne, Summer and Becky, anyway). Batiuk needs an excuse for Les to scuttle the project, and this is as lame an excuse as any. He’ll give some undefined excuse about why MW is all wrong for the role, and doesn’t catch Lisa’s unidentified good points.
If Batiuk were to do an actual story here, a great twist would be to cast Summer Moore as her mother. This would give Summer a chance to ask Les about her mother, their relationship, what he saw in her . . . right. Batiuk could spin that out for three months and reveal absolutely nothing.
We can’t use the girl CME was going to have play Lisa because she was way too attractive and had WAY too big a bustline…
Besides, if Cindye pitched a jealous pissy fit from seeing Masone kiss Marianne on camera, that other girl would make her go on a shooting spree…
Marianne is perfect because 1. She has that girl-next-door kind of beauty, 2. She’s already indistinguishable from random young girls walking in the background any given moment in Westview, and 3. There’s only like 3-4 actresses in the entire Funkyverse and Batuik has run out of punny names…
Thursday’s strip: Mason proposes that Marianne Winters play the role of Lisa, and Les objects.
Friday’s strip: Mason proposes that Marianne Winters play the role of Lisa, and Les objects.
January 17, 2020 strip: Mason proposes that Marianne Winters play the role of Lisa, and Les objects.
How is it that these two morons haven’t actually had a conversation to hash out this disagreement?
The Funky Winkerbean books are grouped by year. They should be grouped by topic. Just to show how many times Batiuk does the same damn thing over and over. Imagine reading The Funky Winkerbean Collection: People Opening Envelopes. 96 pages of nothing but that. And Dead People’s Personal Effects, the updated version with six pages of Bull’s suicide helmet. And Let’s Visit The Ohio Music Educator’s Association Convention! The possibilities are finite.
Or a volume of all dialog-free strips…”Can’t Talk Now…Grieving”.
And Les still hasn’t fuckin’ explained his objection or suggested who he wants in the role…
Mason is such a god damn idiot.
He explained that he came up with this idea because he’d been getting typecast as Starbuck Jones and he wanted to break out of the typecasting. And yet he’s married to a casting idea that will ensure that the unofficial name of this film will be “Starbuck Jones at the Cancer Ward”. Every single review will make a note of that. And any producer worth a damn would point that out to him.
And taking this abomination seriously for a moment, the proper casting of Lisa would be of paramount importance to this movie. Whether it succeeds or not would depend significantly on the performance of whoever plays Lisa. It wouldn’t be something that a producer would casually commit to, or would leave entirely to someone who isn’t a casting director.
Masonne not only nailed the lid on that typecasting coffin, he just made it clear that he’s incapable of working with anyone else. That pretty much kills the notion that he could possibly have any versatility or range as an actor.
As for Less, considering that Marianne Winters is an incredibly dysfunctional human being who lives with her mommy, has to hitch a ride to work at the studio every day, wears “Mom” on the red carpet and attempted suicide when someone on Twitter accused her of being *gasp* a boyfriend-stealer, she sounds like a natural to play Lisa. She’s insecure, pathetic, needy, clingy, immature and has terrible taste in men.
“Play Lisa”? Hell, she just needs to play herself.
As Buck Owens would sing, all she has to do is act naturally.
Not only that, but Masone’s obsession with Marianne might imply that his interest in her is more than professional…
I’d say “what about Marianne’s manager” but a shiny nickel says that’s also her mom. Just like Scarlett Johanssen!
Yeah, it’s like Mark Hamill demanding that Carrie Fisher play Vanessa in Corvette Summer.
I’ll say it: Carrie Fisher in Raiders of the Lost Ark or Temple of Doom would have kicked all kinds of ass…
While anyone would’ve been better than Kate Capshaw, but Temple of Doom was a self-indulgent, offensive mess and did Ford’s character no favors. George Lucas suffers from missing a lot of chips that would make him a Real Live Boy, and should never be allowed near a production without a decent editor.
Eh, I think I’d rather keep Karen Allen’s low-key awesome from the original Raiders.
And you only see her smooching with Indie on the steps at the end of the film because Marcia Lucas, a superb editor in her own right, insisted the film needed to have that closure. George would have left her on the island with the pirates, never to be seen again.
Todd, you ineffable fuckwit. The idiot leading man making a selection as to who he wants to co-star with (when who also knows nothing about it) does NOT mean you save a “fortune” on the casting director’s salary – not unless they’re the only two characters in the film. Casting directors make about $70K-100K/year in LA. Given the probable budget for this weepie, their salary would be around $70/hour, which is chump change compared to the film’s total budget – Masonne “casting” one character saved Kerr nothing. It figures that yet again Todd would shit all over someone’s else’s profession, just because it has nothing to do with komix.
Naturally Todd has no idea what “points on the back end” really means either, because why start being coherent at this late date? Taking points on the back end means that instead of Masonne only getting his fee, he’d get a percentage of the profits this dumpster fire will generate. BUT it doesn’t mean “in addition to” – it’s usually an either/or. Masonne agreeing to take points on the back end means he’d reduce his upfront fee, because he’s gambling that percentage will be the more lucrative deal. Actors do this ONLY if they think the movie will be very successful, or if they really want to do a project but no one can afford to pay their normal fee. Since this has disaster written all over it, IRL Masonne’s agent would never stop slapping him.
I thought “points on the back end” was a condition one had to go to “Dr. Pimple Popper” to have alleviated.
Ah ha! Les’ secret is out. Lisa didn’t die of cancer. She was killed by a case of terminal points on the back end.
Only if you’re demanding gross ones.
This is a quality pun.
But Les still gets his kill fee right?
No, the money goes to whoever kills him. Let’s hope that tempts the cheap bastard into killing himself.
OK, TB, just because you never wrote a funny strip again after you decided to shoot for melodrama with Lisa’s pregnancy does not mean that action film stars “move on” from those kinds of films when they are cast in a single dramatic role.
How does Marianne Winters have anything to do with points for Mason?
“Points all her own, sitting way up high…way up firm and high…”
See, Masonne is now suddenly a casting director, too! Since apparently there are no other parts in this movie, a casting director is no longer needed to audition and cast any other actors, so Cassidy Kerr will be saving a “fortune” by not hiring one at…$70 an hour. Yup, Masonne has just made such a critical savings to the budget by suggesting a co-star that will forever taint this mess, that he figures Cassidy can reward him by paying him a percentage of the profits – in addition to his fee to star in this mess.
That’s not how any of this works, so don’t expect Todd’s “logic” to make any sense.
According to Funkyverse Hollywood logic, Masone expects an extra kickback in the form of a percentage of the gross for delivering Marianne Winters, like she’s the 21-year-old clone of Meryl Streep or something…
I apologize for complaining about something that’s not Tom Batiuk’s fault, but the site has been plagued for a couple days with an advert that hijacks the page to declare that Flash is out of date and needs updating. Is there anyone to complain to usefully to get that scam out of the advertising rotation?
I’ve been getting that, too. This morning I also got a bogus alert to renew Norton 360 Protection or some such nonsense…
Wow. I totally read that as a comment about the comic book character.
I’ve been spending way too much time in Battyworld.
Thx, I was unaware of this and will attempt to investigate.
Same here
The punchline of course is I bet you dollars to yen that Masone hasn’t even spoken to Marianne about this yet… Because if she had full buy-in on this project, her ass would be here instead of Les…
Pfft, like any woman in Todd’s little universe is ever allowed to make a decision that isn’t already determined by the men she’s put on earth to serve.
Is TomBa actually setting something up for a future storyline? If this turkey actually goes into production is he going to resurrect another round of “jealous Cindy”? Or are we just going to have two years of sideways strips?
Ouch. An idea just struck me. Les objects to Marianne Winters because she’s so emotionally fragile that playing someone dying of cancer would totally ruin her as a person. She would withdraw from the world and wither away, and Les wouldn’t want that as part of Lisa’s legacy.
No, that would require Les to care about another human being.
Oh, I admit it’s unlikely. If I were writing this strip–well, I’d have quit long ago and would be bagging groceries–that would be an avenue I’d explore.
Points on the back end? I thought we all agreed this wasn’t going to be an adult film.
Comment Of The Day.
Story by Les Moore, starring Mason Jarre as the heroic Les Moore. That’s not “adult” in any sense of the word.