Because “Weirdos R Us” Was Already Taken

Link To Today’s Strip

Uh, I honestly don’t think “We Buy Comics” is any dumber than “Komix Korner” is. In fact, it’s actually far LESS stupid when you think about it. I mean would YOU eat at a place called “Kookie Kastle” or “The Ice Kreamery”? I know I’d keep driving, I can tell you that. But “Eat Here” or “Pizza”…that’s right to the point. A business like that has no time to waste on cutesy wordplay, they get you in and get you out.

So you fall in love with comic books as a child, then you outgrow them, then you re-discover them and love them more than ever, then The Universe forces you to part with them somehow. Tell me something comic book-related that I DON’T know, Batiuk! Like for example: how does a decidedly low-budget shithole comic book shop stay in business by always BUYING comic books, eh?

He should have done a more accurate take on this gag by having the guy lug in his longbox full of lovingly curated Silver Age comic books and having the jerk behind the counter shrug and offer him $35 for the lot. Turning John into a real dick who ruthlessly preys upon desperate comic book collectors would at least give him an actual personality beyond “annoying schlub”, which is literally all he is right now.

38 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

38 responses to “Because “Weirdos R Us” Was Already Taken

  1. William Thompson

    Here lies vaudeville, killed by acts like this.

  2. Lord Flatulence

    Those wives never let us have any fun, amirite?

    • J.J. O'Malley

      We think alike, my Lord. Apologies.

      • Epicus Doomus

        We’re all picturing the same thing here. A frumpy woman in a housecoat with curlers in her hair, waving a rolling pin and screaming “YOU GET THOSE GOD DAMNED COMIC BOOKS OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU DO, MISTER!”. And we’re all picturing it in black and white, too.

        • ComicBookHarriet

          And then she curls up on the sofa with a mug of box wine and a cheap Harlequin romance novel. Basking in the warm afterglow of her self-righteous indignation.

          • Epicus Doomus

            “So?”

            “He gave me $36 for all of my fondest childhood memories.”

            “Well, gimme it, I’m getting my nails done tomorrow.”

            (Hands wife money, sadly skulks to kitchen to eat ice-cold sub-par dinner)

            That BatYam sure must have some colorful neighbors, I’ll tell you what.

        • Mela

          Yikes, I’m not sure what’s worse here: mean wife won’t let hubby keep his precious comics or wimpy husband has no backbone and therefore boxes them up and tells the clerk “my wife is making me do this.” And this post is being typed as I’m surrounded by my own spouse’s Batman and other comic stuff. Though I occasionally refer to in jest as his “Batsh%#”, I would never demand that he sell it all.

    • Hitorque

      And IT HAS TO BE the Ol’ ball and chain making him do it because no sane man would ever part with his comics collection, am I right?

      I’ve spoken many times here about a co-worker from a summer job long ago was a more obsessed comics geek than anyone in the Funkyverse could even pretend to be… (Through buying and trading, he owned damn near every Marvel/DC comic published from circa 1985-97 and his bedroom was stacked to the ceiling with comics crates.) If even he could cash out his collection and move on with ZERO regrets (he cashed out partly because he was growing up, partly because being a comics geek in that time and place meant no attention from the girlies, and partly because he needed money for college), then anyone can do it.

      • Rusty Shackleford

        I worked with a guy who was so into comics and had so many, that his father built him these special bins on wheels to hold them. He could wheel his Batman bin over to his chair and then enjoy them. His wife did not mind.

        I should have helped his Dad start a business selling those bins. They really were nicely made.

  3. J.J. O'Malley

    “Boy, dumb ol’ gurrlls, amiright? They just don’t understand the timeless artistic merits of the graphic novel! All they wanna do is have tea parties and play with jumpropes! Actually, now I’m thinking of changing the store’s name to ‘The He-Man Woman Haters’ Club’! Waddya think?”

    “Uhhhh…look, do you want these books or not?”

    “Let’s see…all in good condition and in plastic bags: Adventure #247, Showcase #4, Brave and Bold #28, Fantastic Four # 1, Amazing Fantasy #15, Tales of Suspense #39, Journey into Mystery #83, X-Men 1. I could do maybe $35 cash for the box, or $45 in store credit.”

  4. billytheskink

    Why stop with renaming Komix Korner?

    Montoni’s could become “The Only Restaurant Still Open In Town”. The high school would be renamed “Utter contempt for today’s youth”. Batom Comics changes to “Completely unrelatable workplace gags”.

    • Epicus Doomus

      “So how’s it going over at We Buy Comics, John?”

      “Eh, you know, it’s a grind. Sometimes I really just want to pack it in, buy a shitload of sports cards and open a sports memorabilia buying shop across the street, I’ll tell you what. People just aren’t selling comic books in this economy, you know?”

      “I hear ya, John. Hey, wanna run downstairs to Pizza And Coffee for a slice and a cup?”

      “Nah, I gotta run over to Yes, We’re Open and Liquidation Sale Everything Must Go, Becky needs some trombone oil and large safety pins.”

      • Mr. A

        “But afterwards, let’s catch a flick at the Obscure Old Movies Theater That Somehow Hasn’t Been Killed Off By Streaming Services And/Or COVID-19.”

  5. WOW, this strip really hates women. It’s never ending. Has there been a positive female in this strip since Ste Lisa?

    • Epicus Doomus

      Calling Lisa “positive” is like calling the H-bomb “hot”. Lisa was like the Funkyverse’s version of anti-matter. Just radiant pure white goodness and virtue, just a huge giant ball of blinding goodness and piety. No one could possibly match her, which is reflected in, you know, every other female character in the strip.

    • Gerard Plourde

      Not to ignore his warped view of women and of the marital relationship, but his view of comic-book-collecting men is also weird and infantilized. Again, this sounds like an eight-year-old. It could easily read, “My mom is making me sell my comics!”

    • Charles

      Lisa was a positive female portrayal only by Batiuk’s definition. She was just as smug, shitty and emasculating as any of the women in the strip when she was still around. It was just that Batiuk loved her for it. Thought she was funny and sassy.

    • Jimmy

      I am confused because it’s either “womenfolk don’t get it” or “unicorn woman is totally into comics” like the old commie artist (Ruby Lith?), Mopey Pete’s girlfriend or Holly (but she was just collecting for her Army son).

  6. You guys

    • Epicus Doomus

      “Serious discussion”…oh he has NO idea.

    • ComicBookHarriet

      Just wait till this guy finds either this blog, This Week in Milford, or Mary Worth and Me, and learns how deep and lovecraftian the internet’s newspaper comics critique community rabbithole goes.

    • Mela

      I prefer “well thought out fan based snark mixed with sharp pop culture references and wit”. It’s what I’m here for, anyway.

      • Epicus Doomus

        Agree totally, except I’d start with “very”, put a “razor” before “sharp” and a “dazzling” between “and” and “wit”. Otherwise, perfect!

  7. Gerard Plourde

    And, given the apartment-sized space Komix Korner occupies, where exactly does John store the collections he buys, or his back stock for that matter?

    • Epicus Doomus

      “Oh my, a copy of “Dr. Dreck – Space Pony” number one! And it appears to be in mint condition! I just auctioned one of these for $50,000! Let me use my comic book tweezers to slide it from its Mylar and (sniff, sniff) what’s that smell?”

      “Uh, I dunno, I don’t smell anything.”

      “It’s pizza! The pizzeria fumes have saturated this comic book! Appraised value, five dollars.”

  8. Hitorque

    Ironically, if the denizens of the Funkyverse were this obsessed over say, sports or cars or video games, I might identify with the characters a lot more…

  9. Aurora Snorealis

    Wow. These usually read like Batiuk has awoken from a stupor just long enough to scratch out some horrid dialogue (about 15 seconds.) But this one sounds like he only came to for 3.5.

  10. Professor Fate

    Rampant misogyny aside, I’d have to say that’s a pretty small comic collection yes? I don’t even really collect the damned things and I have two boxes of them in one of my closets.

  11. Banana Jr. 6000

    Oh no, those unreasonable women, making men sell their comic books! Give me a break, Funky Winkerbean. No woman in the history of this comic strip has dared suggest anyone put down their goddamn childrens’ comic books for five seconds. After all, comic book collecting is such a positive and harmless hobby! [/sarcasm] Let’s look at some of our favorite collectors:

    SKUNK HEAD JOHN: He and his wife Becky have all the chemistry of two ambivalent seventh-graders in a school play. He offers her a ride home from work one day, seemingly unsure if she will accept it. Routinely lets Harry Dinkle spend huge amounts of time with his wife, which includes accompanying her on out-of-town convention trips. When Dinkle hints at re-claiming his old band director job, Becky objects that John’s comic book store income cannot support them. Never changes out of his Batman t-shirt.

    CRAZY HARRY: Buys his wife salad dressing for their anniversary. She doesn’t appear happy with this gift, but goes along with it. Lost his much better-paying mailman job.

    JEFF: Invites himself to California to see a big empty cave where a ridiculous 1935 serial was filmed. He is overcome by smoke, hallucinates his inner child and Murania, and has to be rescued from certain death in the midst of a city-wide cataclysm. Brings his wife a rock as a gift.

    CHESTER: Buys so much comic book crap he doesn’t even know what he owns. When he is found to own the rights to Miss American, he gives them away. He then has to sell more comic books to raise needed cash.

    PETE: proposes to his wife with a stuffed animal after losing all his money on carnival games. Later takes credit for an idea she contributed to, and announces he wants to give partial credit to Hoagy Carmichael instead. All of this despite being the screenwriter for the massively successful Starbuck Jones movie.

    DARREN: Receives a financial windfall when someone buys his comic book art. He immediately spends it on more comic book art:

    That is SIX different characters, five of whom are married or engaged, for whom comic books are causing serious problems in their lives. And other characters, like Les and Dinkle, show the same pattern of putting their fetishistic hobbies above their personal relationships.

    These men are all neglectful and selfish partners. They spend huge amounts of money and time on comic books, with no regard to their family’s needs. And in at least two cases, their fandom could have gotten someone killed: Jeff in California, and the “radioactive decoder rings” plot. The only reason any of these men stay married is because Tom Batiuk can’t write women or relationships. No 16-year-old girl would put up with a boyfriend who acted like these cretins do.

    “My wife is making me sell my collection” shouldn’t be a one-day gag; it should be a transformative arc. Imagine if Becky, Donna, Pam, Mindy, and Jessica all got together and hatched a Lysistrata-type scheme. They would force their husbands to put their comic books away permanently and grow up, on threat of divorce. Then Cayla could catch wind of it and tell Les he needs to say goodbye to Lisa, or he’s going to lose another wife.

    Somebody get Jules Rivera working on this.

    • Don’t forget Darren and Pete going off to the Flash museum and spending a huge amount of money on garbage.

      • ComicBookHarriet

        That full size cosmic treadmill couldn’t have been cheap.

        “He and his wife Becky have all the chemistry of two ambivalent seventh-graders in a school play.” is a brilliant little line that I look forward to stealing and forgetting to credit you for.

    • Professor Fate

      Thank you. A very well written if depressing list of the self obsorbed man children that populate the Funkyverse. Looking at them it makes sense that children have vanished from the strip, there is only room for one child in each of these relationships.

    • Mela

      Nicely done and right on-with both the detailed character assessment and the Lysistrata pitch.

  12. Hey, Anon-o-dude, cut out the middleman and put them up on eBay yourself. That’s where guys like Komix John get their “list prices” anyway.