And the winner of the Crankshaft punchline contest is….
Duck of Death with “God damn that bitch! I ordered stones!”
Ducky! Please come up to accept your prize! I know it’s half-assed and terrible looking. But so is Crankshaft these days.
And now! Back to 2007 Crankshaft nonsense. For those of you who’ve forgotten in the nearly two weeks (!) since our last proper dive on the subject. Moochy Boy Myers found a hoard of comic book treasure hidden in Lillian McKenzie’s attic, and informed DCH John to make a bid on it. Meanwhile Crankshaft’s neighbors Chase and Morgan Lambert have contacted Funkyverse conman Skip Townes, also interested in the valuable funny books.
So, after Mindy’s rock solid advice that a suit jacket over a Batman t-shirt is sure to impress, Mooch brings DCH to Lillian’s house.
Two tidbits from this strip. One that DCH is planning on paying for this collection with the insurance money from his store flooding, an interesting bit of continuity. Two, that he believes offering this amount would be a ‘decent’ price. Meaning he doesn’t believe what he is offering is a swindle. Damn, what kind of insurance did he get on that flood? Because several of those Timely comics, (that Lucy purportedly had a complete collection of), would be worth thousands even in iffy shape. Quality Comics says that in 2009 a grade 2.0 Captain America #1 would still be priced at ten grand.
DCH John passes out when he realizes Lillian is entertaining other bids? Maybe understandable if this collection could make or break his business. But that does not make Lillian unreasonable. She has every right to get as much out of her collection as she can. Deal with it, Johnny Boy!
After this unreasonable outburst that almost reminds me of the early days of surly HAH John, things mellow out a bit, and DCH John sees and opportunity to take things from a decent offer to a flat out bribe.
Hey, John, got a news flash for you. Proposing to trade labor for the comics IS increasing your offer. To paint an entire house a different color is a service with a value in excess of $3,000 dollars. I assume he isn’t just offering to touch it up, unless he thinks Lillian would like random blotches of different colored paint all over her house as an avant garde statement of protest against the local HOA.
Way back in March, Billy the Skink pointed out that this house painting skill of John’s was established in 2000.
Now here’s where it gets kinda weird. Apparently John has agreed to paint Lillian’s house FOR FREE, in the hopes it will sufficiently butter her up to take his bid. And Mooch is there to help him? Is Mooch getting paid for this? Is Lillian buying the paint? Is John buying the paint? I get that this is a gag. I get that exaggeration is the key to this kind of comedy. But providing a thousand dollar service to someone without confirmation that the labor will be reciprocated with the deal? I mean what else does John need to offer this old bat? Sexual favors?
So while DCH slaves over the lovely coat of corpse tone tan he’s slathering on, Skip is finding other chores to assist with.
Ha! That’s a clever little gag.
To bad it’s recycled. But I guess the strip above is from about 1990, so I’ll allow it.
While Skip and DCH compete for Lillian’s eye, they’re spied upon by the nosy neighbors.
So after milking these poor saps for housework, erotic massage, pizza, and whatever vegan nightmare the Lamberts cooked up, Lillian decides to defer judgement to Crankshaft so neither party can blame her. All their sweetening the deal, and she spews the final decision onto Ed’s lap.
The Lamberts/Rockbottom are offering double. DOUBLE. And we’re not talking $1,000 instead of $500, or $4,000 instead of $2,000. If DCH was being honest with Mooch about giving a decent offer then his bid can’t be any less than tens of thousands. Double that. The fact Lil is entertaining both offers either means she really hates the Lamberts or really really likes the DCH and Mooch duo.
Ah, yes. The judgement of Solomon. But the Indian version of the tale. Where instead of a king threatening to bisect a baby with a sword, a previous incarnation of Budda makes a woman and a female goblin play tug of war with a toddler. Except instead of a Budda we have Crankshaft. And instead of a demon we have Skip Townes. And instead of a toddler we have Daring Mystery Comics #6 (the first appearance of Marvel Boy!)
Then he said to them, “Lay hold of it and pull; the child is hers who can pull it over.” They both pulled, and the child, being pained while it was pulled, uttered a loud cry. Then the mother, with a heart which seemed ready to burst, let the child go and stood weeping. The sage asked the multitude, “Is it the heart of the mother which is tender towards the child or the heart of her who is not the mother?” They answered, “The mother’s heart.” “Is she the mother who kept hold of the child or she who let it go?” They replied, “She who let it go.” “Do you know who she is who stole the child?” “We do not know, O sage.” “She is a goblin,—she seized it in order to eat it.”
The Jataka, Vol. VI
Or maybe Crankshaft isn’t Budda, and really didn’t care if these two ripped in half a comic book worth at least a couple hundred bucks. Maybe Lillian was Solomon here. We don’t know because in true Batiuk fashion he skips from the moment right before the climax to the denouement.
Okay, first, Lil had EVERY RIGHT to take a lower offer on the comic books just because. Provided she doesn’t desperately need the money for Lucy’s care, hip replacements, new coke-bottle glasses, or pricey prune supplements. They’re her comics. Or Lucy’s. Either way, it’s her money. It’s her decision. But why on Earth did she put her neighbors, the Lamberts, people she will have to live near until she moves or dies through this nonsense?
If she wanted to sell to John, she should have sold to John. Period. If she was willing to pass up on TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars, then she can’t need free yard work and house painting that badly.
And why is she so endeared to DCH that she’s willing to pass up on the year’s salary of a McDonald’s manager? Or is she more endeared to Mooch? Or Mindy? So many links on this NepoChain.
Maybe she was just high on the power. The power to make these people grovel. And then the power to pick the lower offer as if money is no object. Now that I think about it, that sounds like our Lil.
Next time…
A new Act.
A new Era.
A new Dead Animal.
Son of Stuck Funky 
This story was about as enjoyable in its absurdity as late Act II Funky Winkerbean got… which is why it played out in Crankshaft of course. I especially like how TB got so many little continuity details right, but completely forgot about the entire personality he built for Mooch Myers (whose key personality trait was literally his name).
So Mooch Myers underwent what the Army would call “de-lousing” without having to join the Army, as Wally and Corey did.
People can change on their own.
*Doonesbury* used the “wisdom of Solomon” method with Uncle Duke when he was Governor of American Samoa. He knew what he was referencing, and it was all the funnier because of the two contentious women’s response to dividing the baby:
First woman: “Hmm, that sounds fair…”
Second woman: “Are you out of your mind?”
(Trudeau didn’t have to tell us which woman wound up with the baby.)
One of the first Marvel titles I bought was *Marvel Tales* #27, which included a reprint of a *Marvel Boy* story. I didn’t recognize him in the *Daring Mystery* cover, and it turned out that they weren’t the same character! The 1940s version appeared only twice, and, according to Wikipedia, neither Marvel Boy had the same origin, causing Marvel eventually to say that there had been two different Marvel Boys in that era, although both had been named Martin Burns.
(Not Montgomery, Smithers?)
(No, sir.)
(Pity.)
The Marvel Boy I met was Robert Grayson (no relation to Dick or Chuck).
Sometimes, like Honore Lachaille in “Gigi,” I’m glad I’m not young anymore.
For what it’s worth: looking at Lillian reminds me of Granny, Tweety Bird’s owner, delighting in men competing for her attention in one cartoon, and comparing it fondly to the friskiness of “the boys” after they came home from Gettysburg.
It is altogether fitting and proper that I close this out by mentioning that Granny’s real name is Emma Webster.
Mooch could change, sure. That might actually be an interesting story, too. But we all know about TB and interesting stories, don’t we?
For what it’s worth, Mooch’s lone Act III appearance was in early 2008 when he helped Pete move up above Montoni’s. A nice non-moochy thing to do… but he lived up to his name throughout the story anyways. He also had the honor of appearing in the first of the far too many “remember that cranky guy from Centerville?” strips that we saw in Act III.
The same irritating tendency in Lillian shows up in the current arc……along with Batiuk having no real idea what people actually do covet. A whole lot of bunch of people would be top dollar for a roll-top desk but since it isn’t the tawdry kitsch he fixates on, he doesn’t see it.
Salesman: “Yes, we accept trade-ins! And then waste valuable floor space warehousing them, and then try to talk people out of buying them! Before you buy it, maybe wait 2 days for our going out of business sale to begin. Also, here’s my brother in law’s card. He sells cars, and totally does not want you to buy that fleet of janky-ass AMC Gremlins he took in as trade!”
This is her writing desk for writing? Does she write longhand on vellum? You couldn’t fit a 1980s word processor in that thing.
1) Is she gonna drill holes in the back of that thing? If not, nothing electric will work on it. But there’s always longhand on vellum, inkwell by her side, as Bill the Splut suggests.
2) Furniture trade-ins aren’t a thing for stores that sell new office furniture. Also, antique rolltop desks are made of solid hardwood and weigh an absolute ton. (Ask me how I know.) No way you’d put it on a sales floor unless you were gonna encourage people to buy it.
3) And most importantly, wasn’t she looking for a “writing chair”?
I know, I know. It’s a comic strip. But if the point of the story is, “Modern desks are soulless abominations and old-school rolltops are where it’s at for the older folks,” there were so many ways to make that point without inserting nonsensical and irrelevant info like Lillian searching for a chair, a modern furniture store putting “trade-ins” on the sales floor, and a salesman discouraging sales.
I was Junque Shopping (antiquing) with a friend, and she fell in love with this…thing. It looked like a Victorian Era curio cabinet, but it was, no joke, a full story tall, and about as long. You’d need a whole side of a house for it. But it was a steal at $6600! She took a pic of it (standing waaay back to fit it in) and texted her husband to find out if he could spot her some cash to buy it. He wrote back “I’ll pay for it if you and Bill can fit it in the back of your Jeep.” This monolith would need a moving van, a forklift and 4 stevedores to move it an inch. Since we are best described as “130 lb stick figures,” she left it. We were there a few months later, and danged if the thing hadn’t been bought.
A furniture store would’ve instantly put Lillian’s Desk of Gormenghast in an antique store and made a fortune. But this is Tom-land, so tomorrow the salesman will let it go for $20.
Probably the first time I ever really got in trouble with my wife was when her parents decided to get rid of this 8-9 foot tall armoire (it is half drawers, half CRT television cabinet) they had apparently had since she was a child. Had to rent a moving van that may not have weighed as much as the armoire, drive an hour away, enlist the help of my dad, my uncle, and her dad to load it up and tie it down, drive the hour back, enlist the help of 3 buddies that I still owe a favor to unload it and somehow move it inside on its side to the bedroom. It is a nice enough piece of furniture but all of that was a miserable hassle and in my frustration in the middle of trying to get it into the moving van I turned to my wife and said curtly “are you sure you want this thing?” That was… a poor decision on my part. Nevertheless, I never want to move it again. Hauling creosote-soaked railroad ties was easier.
While I’m sure there is a nice market for antique roll top desks if you find the right store/buyer, my dad was offered next to nothing for my grandfather’s lovely old roll top desk about 3-4 years ago when cleaning out my grandparents house. He liked it well enough so he decided to keep it rather than let it go for nothing, but he was offered more for my grandparent’s china, and folks are famously not buying much china these days.
But this is Tom-land, so tomorrow the salesman will let it go for $20.
You’re kidding, right? Oh, you mean he’ll pay her $20, because she’s just the most wonderful person and she’s loaded with writery goodness.
Then Lillian will find a priceless mint condition comic book in one of the drawers.
Patrick O’Brian supposedly wrote all his novels longhand, and I could definitely see Lillian doing that.
Oh, I can imagine Lillian writing novels in longhand. The problem is I can’t imagine Lillian writing novels at all. She’s yet another off-panel talent, who becomes a literary superstar on-panel despite having no qualities a writer would have.
I read reviews for a book series, in which the books’ author kept describing the main character as “the world’s greatest investigative reporter” and how funny and beloved the character was. The reviewer pointed out, more than once, that “In a book you can call someone the world’s greatest painter or ballet dancer, but you can’t say they’re a great writer or funny guy without giving examples.” That book series supplied neither. Sort of like how “Lisa’s Story” will change the world into a Utopia*, when that book is in the REAL WORLD and that hasn’t happened.
*Utopia with burnings and a collapsed society, but some nice desks.
you can call someone the world’s greatest painter or ballet dancer, but you can’t say they’re a great writer or funny guy without giving examples
I would even quibble with that first part. If you’re going to write Black Swan, your characters *do* need to show they’re the world’s greatest ballet dancer. They need to be believable as contenders for the role. They need to be the kind of people who devote every minute of their lives to working at their art. For a movie, they need to look like pro dancers. And the actresses did in fact put in a lot of exercise to achieve that look.
But yes, it’s especially egregious with people who are supposed to be writers or comedians. And the Funkyverse absolutely runs on this.
I could see Lillian doing that, but it’s not what we’ve been shown. We’ve been shown Lil sitting at a pineapple laptop staring at a blinking cursor agonizing over the first sentence.
https://www.gocomics.com/crankshaft/2017/05/13
BJr6K:
Well, yes, in a movie you DO have to show this. In print, just say “her moves were perfect.” As opposed to “His movements swayed with every beat of the music, just as his beer belly did.”
Like “Her paintings amazed everyone, with her perfect sense of tone and light and, I dunno, other shit. People would look at them for hours, except for that one guy who yelled ‘My kid could draw better than that!'”
Because it’s what you’re picturing in your head. You can’t say “He was really witty” without supplying an example. If the example is “He said PIGEON–when he meant SMIDGEN–oh Lordy, he’s so funny!” then it falls apart.
Nice reference to Stephen King’s band.
I was introduced through Dave Barry. This feels appropriate to post here. THE IMPORTANCE OF AN EDITOR, TOM!
[Duck accepts award to scattered applause] Oh, wow! I don’t know what to say! You know, you dream about something like this, and when it happens, you still feel totally unprepared. Okay, first I have to thank Mom & Dad. Love you guys! And Epicus, and TFH, and most of all, of course, CBH, for this incredible honor and magnificent prize. [Duck looks admiringly at prize, wipes away a tear] You know, when I first started snarking here, I … [upbeat orchestral music begins to play] … I never realized where it would lead. I guess it shows that all you need is a dream [music swells] and some determination, and the sky’s the limit. Today, I’m living proof [music volume increases] LIVING PROOF THAT ANYONE WHO PUTS IN THE WORK CAN — [MC sprints up to the podium and grabs the mic with a hearty “Thank you, Duck!”]
Now all you have to do is give the award to Les, for… reasons?
I’ve referred to that as “the masturbatory thing I’ve ever seen,” and I stand by that. Why did Marianne Winter of Your Discontent give it to the guy whose book the screenplay was based on? Was she on the outs with the key grip and best boy?
I’ve read print authors who signed off the film rights, and almost all say that they have no creative input past that point. Of course, those losers also claim that “KILL FEES!” don’t work that way, so they must be wrong. Marianne probably owed more to the caterers than the Rust Belt Hemingway.
Oh, right–Les/Tom compared himself to Hemingway. Okay, the Oscar is the second most masturbatory thing I’ve ever seen.
Giving Les the Oscar wasn’t even the most masturbatory thing Tom Batiuk wrote in 2022. That was “a science of behavioral-patterned algorithms that will one day allow us to recognize humanity as our nation.”
That spectacular phrase should follow him around for as long as he’s remembered.
It’s like Batiuk watched Lady in the Water and decided he wanted to be M. Night Shyamalan.
Lady In The Water is the closest thing to Funky Winkerbean Act III: The Movie that actually exists.
“I’mma let you finish, but Epicus Doomus had one of the best snarks of all time. Of all time.”
ahhh just kidding Duck, well deserved
Pish, Ducky no one is gonna rush you off the stage. What do you think this is? A technical award at the Oscars?
We like you Ducky. We really d0
If Dick Facey wants the award, beat him over the head with it
The weird thing is, Crankshaft’s proposal completely fits his personality. He doesn’t care about collateral damage or comic books, and just wants this matter decided so he can go back to being an asshole. And the Lamberts live next to him, so they know this. Their willingness to participate in this doesn’t mean what Tom Batiuk thinks it does. And what Tom Batiuk thinks it means is bullshit anyway.
Imagine the Lamberts’ thought process: “wow, Captain Crazy wants to decide this by tug-of-war. Okay, I’ll take my chances against skinny arms Batman here.” And Skip Townes adopted a winning strategy: he grabbed the spine. Even if he’s going against Arnold Schwarzenegger, Arnold’s going to end up with one piece in each hand, and Skip going get one larger piece that’s held together by staples. And the biggest piece wins. (Which make this an unfair contest, by that’s a whole other problem.)
Then John drops out of the contest… and is immediately declared the winner off-panel because he showed correct attitudes towards comic books. Even though the contest was reasonable under the (bizarre) circumstances. Except that it betrays the Lambert’s ignorance of Bible stories. Maybe they’re non-Christians?
Remember, if you’re ever asked to do something that makes
you uncomfortable, immediately give up. Somebody will declare you the winner for having Tom Batiuk-Approved Correct Opinions, and hand you piles of money or an award. And if someone screws you over by selling a rare item to someone who offered half as much money you did, silently leave – you’re not allowed to sue them, question the decision, or even be angry about it.
This story is vile in so many ways. I haven’t even gotten into Lillian’s behavior yet.
Or the question of why you would want an amateur to paint your house as a form of payment. Ditto receiving casseroles and massages (ew) and all the rest of it.
Hey, Lil! Did you know that money can be exchanged for goods and services? Services like professional exterior painting and massages, goods like food? If you had gotten double the price you could have hired people to do the work for you. Actual pros!
Of course, the ultimate dick move — and one I’m surprised Lillian didn’t use — would have been to announce at the end, “I’m going with Mile High Comics.” (Or even better, “I’m going with Heritage Auctions. You really thought I was gonna let a few mooks lowball me instead of putting the whole collection up for auction and getting what it’s actually worth? You morons!”)
As I’ve mentioned before, in the Funkshaftiverse, comics are the only repository of monetary value. Real estate, stocks, other collectibles, cryptocurrency, what have you — worthless.
There’s a bit of a corollary. Reverence toward comics — that is, proper reverence toward the correct comics — is the Funkshaftiverse’s primary indicator of moral purity. Les is a bit of an exception, in that he also showed his probity by rescuing suicides, being The Best, Grievingest Husband, carrying assorted damsels in his arms, etc.
But you can bet Les will never be shown dismissing comics or failing to venerate them properly. Because anyone who does that is just plain evil.
It’s as if money has no purpose other than to buy comic books. Westview is like a poorly-implemented video game economy. Money exists only for the player to buy in-game items. NPCs don’t use money or pay any attention to it, even in fictional worlds where they should.
It never occurs to Lillian that she could use the proceeds of this sale to help care for Lucy. Or at least give her some creature comforts. Which is especially crass considering these were Lucy’s comic books. And hey, did Lillian even determine if Lucy wanted to sell these books? No, she probably did whatever she wanted, with no regard to Lucy’s feelings. Again.
Ditto receiving casseroles and massages (ew) and all the rest of it.
Lillian also gets a big “ew” for taking gifts from both parties, leaving both of them to guess what would be enough to win the auction, and then lamenting she wouldn’t be getting any more ‘gifts’ after the comic books were sold. The mafia is more honest than this.
The correct attitude is to be a sullen, whiny defeatist who runs away howling “Why won’t bad people let me win?”
That explains a lot, really………
He doesn’t even do that! He immediately accepts defeat, and drops interest in the thing he wanted so badly two seconds ago. And this is shown as a noble trait. It’s not. (SEE ALSO: Lisa’s Story.) It’s not good storytelling either, but that’s another Funkyverse trope – avoiding interpersonal conflict at all costs.
The sad thing is, Ed Crankshaft wrote a better ending than Tom Batiuk did. “Rockbottom Comics is offering twice as much. Why are we even having this conversation?” He’s absolutely right. That should have ended the story. It could have been an honest story about the realities of what’s important in such situations; if someone can outbid you, they will. It could have been a typical Funkyverse depressing story that was actually effective, realistic, and had a point to make.
But no, Tom Batiuk must give his correct comic books to the correct comic books people because comic books comic books comic books. In defiance of all storytelling and logic.
It always bothered me that it was desirable that Lisa simply give up and die to show us how pure and unselfish she was. Nothing could have been more selfish than just gutlessly dying and leaving a child without her mother because pain hurts.
Hey, don’t pick on Dead St Lisa for leaving her little kid without a mom. As far as I recall, we never saw Summer shed a tear or really show any sadness about it. Guess she bounced right back. Motherless, schmutherless.
Well, since we never saw her grow up, it’s not as if any such mourning was important to Batiuk anyway. It’s all about the cruelty and unfairness of Les being asked to make a decision.
There are end stage cancer patients who opt to forego more treatment because it’s not worth feeling miserable from the chemo if it’s not going to do any good. So I’ve never had a big problem with that part of the story. But a better writer would have illustrated that in order to make her decision more understandable, as opposed to making it look like she just gave up.
What I did have a problem with, though, (and someone please correct me if I’ve got the timeline wrong) is that once she made that decision she hopped on the plane with Holly to campaign for cancer research. Why didn’t she take a trip with her family? She could have sent a video with Holly instead and spent that time with Les and Summer. At that point, why wouldn’t she want to spend as much time with them as possible? Well, Les, I can understand, but oh my goodness, the thought not being around to watch her daughter grow up? I’d be hugging and loving on her as much as possible.
It’s scary when Ed is the voice of reason, isn’t it?
Every time there’s a comic book story in either strip, we get wide-eyed characters exclaiming “this would worth be a fortune!” But then no one actually makes or pays a fortune for them because those who love comics the right way should never have to pay fair market value.
It’s good to see this comic-book sale story outline, and get more confirmation that Batiuk was writing absolute rubbish quality stories long before Funky’s final ten years.
I hadn’t seen this arc before because why would I? But did notice the uber clever Batiukism–the neighbors Chase, Lambert and Morgan, aka multibillion dollar investment firms
“But so is Crankshaft these days.”
LOL “these days”. So essentially, TB being able to focus on just one daily comic strip has actually made “Crankshaft” worse. That doesn’t surprise me even a little.
This sort of thing is why Batiuk couldn’t lift Schulz’s jock with a crane. Sure, it’s pants on head stupid to treat Charlie Brown like a chump who deserves to feel bad for coming in second place in a nation-wide competition but that’s just Sparky’s killer instinct and Lutheran background talking. At least the Round-Headed Kid thinks that this time, he WILL kick that football to the moon. Les Moore wouldn’t even bother. He’d be so sure that he’d fall on his ass that he would slink off in despair and we’d be asked to admire him for nobly chickening out because he didn’t want to decide things.
Schulz had a talent for introducing absurdity into what was otherwise a realistic world. Tom Batiuk once did too, but once he got that Pulitzer nomination, he couldn’t throw it away fast enough.
And the spelling bee worked for me, because that’s how kids think. When you’re a kid, it’s easy to work yourself up over things that aren’t really important, or jump on the kid everyone else is jumping on (however irrational it is). Linus’ simple statement to Charlie Brown that “the world didn’t end” was genuinely powerful. 8-year-old me needed to be told that once or twice.
And that’s something Batiuk isn’t really capable of: telling a character that the world isn’t going to end if they don’t get something.
Sometimes I still have to tell the 50-something me that every once in a while!
I remember from dabbling in record collecting a few decades ago that the best way to deal with a goldmine you find at an estate sale or wherever is to offer almost nothing. Not to cheat the people, but because as soon as you offer any more than nothing, the seller gets suspicious and the records are no longer for sale. If it’s a $1000 collection, “I’ll give you a quarter apiece for them” works better than “I’ll give you a hundred.”
Caution. Rant ahead.
Today, I reached my breaking point and unfollowed Crankshaft on GoComics. I have joined Team Epicus Doomus. This strip is no longer worth the time and effort to read.
Is Crankshaft a drama strip?
How much did Lillian end up paying for the desk? Did she ever buy a chair? Who are the men providing the arduous service of moving that heavy solid wood desk? Did the furniture store give the desk away for free and include the delivery service because Lillian is such a sweetheart?
😝🤢🤮
Is today’s strip taking place in the room Lillian wanted to claim for her writing room years ago, but discovered it to be too cluttered? Lillian hired a Marie Kondo-type organization expert, but even she was overwhelmed. When did the room get cleared, and who did it? The guys from the furniture store? John Howard looking for more rare comic books?
Am I the only one who finds the lack of answers to these questions annoying? So many missing details!
So, is this a drama strip? I say thee nay. Once again, the author prioritizes mediocre wordplay over genuine storytelling.
Is Crankshaft a humor strip?
Can somebody help me out here? Was there a joke in the second panel of today’s strip?
Lillian is old and tends to like old things? Is that the joke? ¯\_(?)_/¯
😑(unamused face)
So, is this a humor strip? Shouldn’t a humor strip be… I dunno… funny? Crankshaft, other than from the comment section, hasn’t made me laugh since swapping syndicates.
Crankshaft is not drama. It is not humor. It’s just meh. This is sad, and I can’t take it anymore. This isn’t even Thursday Chick level effort. At least Thursday Chick draws their own strip.
What happened to all the fun strips where Ed ran over a mailbox, blew up a grill or set a tree on fire?
Prediction for Tomorrow: More mediocre wordplay and the absence of actual storytelling and humor!
Rant over.
TGIF
Today’s Topic: “Crankshaft–Dessert Topping or Floor Wax?” Discuss among yourselves.
Neither. “Crankshaft” since moving to GoComics is…
BWoEH, I learned to read on my own from comic strips. I’d probably read a Dr Seuss book if handed to me even today. (“Sam, why are you eating with a FOX? Dude could have rabies!”)
I still today read Blondie. Pardonne moi Francoise, but that strip is the lamest merde I have ever read. Oh boy, another strip about Dag’s tapeworms and narcolepsy and his Hitler boss, while he’s knocking over the mailman! He lives in the suburbs, but doesn’t own a car because suuure, upper middle class suburbs, no cars, makes sense.
Why do I read it? Habit, really. And that maybe–maybe–there might be an identifiable joke! It’s been a fucking century, they’re overdue for a joke! BLONDIE: something like “Dagwood, you’re so sleepy that you nap more than Calvin Coolidge!” Or Blondie, knees weirdly bent forward, “Dagwood, the Depression Dust Bowl is causing massive hunger!” Dagwood:”I WONDER WHY!” and eats a sandwich made from every meat ever, including Elmo’s corpse. Daisy the dog looks at the reader perplexed.
I’m just asking, Eve, is that you stay the course. What IS Crank? Who knows? We need your help in figuring it out! Yes, the strip is getting…well, we can argue if it’s “getting worse” or just “getting worser,” but I think it’s getting Winkerbeanier. Tom’s going to import his whole utterly impotent cast of whiny nobodies from FW eventually. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after, but when he does…We need all hands on deck, and to fight them on the beaches!
(that’s me channeling someone who would only fight them on the beaches if they took away his Flash compilations)
I don’t know. Maybe I’ll wait to see how I feel on Monday. Perhaps I should try to stick it out until July 11. That would mark my fifth snarkiversary. That’s the date I created a Disqus account to comment on ‘Crankshaft’ and snark on ‘Funky Winkerbean’.
Maybe I don’t even have a choice. I unfollowed “Crankshaft” last night, yet it was still listed among the ‘Comics I Follow’ on my GoComics profile page this afternoon. I unfollowed “Crankshaft” again without reading today’s strip. If it returns a second time, I’m going to be totally freaked out.
GoComics: Look Eve Hill, the new “Crankshaft” comic strip is here.
Me:
If the pearl-clutchers want to defend the strip, I’d say they’re getting exactly what they deserve. Enjoy your crap. Need ketchup?
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Can you imagine the scene when Chic Young passed ‘Blondie’ on to his son Dean?
Chic Young: Here’s artwork for all the characters, dialog balloons and backgrounds. You’ll never have to work a day in your life.
Dean Young is 84. As far as I know, he has no children. What will happen when he dies?
Distant Relative: I’ll do it! How hard can it be?
Elmo is Dagwood’s illegitimate son. That’s why he hangs around Dagwood all the time. The resemblance is uncanny.
Wait until Sept, when GC’s “NEW and IMPROVED!!” rules kick in. Living in the CSA (Corporate States of America), this means they will charge you $29.99 a year for even less content!
There’s a term for the process of companies charging more for less service because they have a monopoly. I can’t think of the term at the moment. I expect the term to pop into my head sometime tonight when I’m trying to sleep.
My brother, who works with computers, would say my processor is slowing down. 😊
The term I couldn’t think of was ‘enshittification’.
Today’s Crankshaft belabors that old Tiffany Lamp. Lizard Lil tells the Shining Twins that she bought it at the Montoni’s auction. She doesn’t tell them the two interesting things about the lamp:
1) She had thrown it away and Funky grabbed it out of her garbage, and she had to buy it back at the liquidation auction. Somehow her tastes must have changed radically because now she loves it.
2) It is an original Tiffany pendant lamp, which in the real world would be worth about $500,000, but in the Funkshaftiverse it got thrown out and put into a pizzeria, and then bought back, probably for about 20 bucks. It has no value because it’s not a comic book.
Which is an act of what Cracked.com calls pants on head stupidity. She spent a whole week buying back something she already owned and we’re supposed to applaud her for being a moron.
CBH Here with the Funkyverse history report. It was actually an Alzheimers addled Lucy who threw the lamp away, and Lil was extremely distressed at it. Funky and the crew all thought it was fake/replica.
Lil saw the lamp at Montoni’s later, but assumed it wasn’t hers.
Lil and Lucy would be somewhat compensated for this loss when they helped Tony identify his father’s violin as a Stradivarius and when he sold it he gave them a big chunk of the proceeds.
Because EVERYONE has some priceless historical artifact just lying around in their house.
(Bonus points for Pre-Skunky griping about his mother throwing out his comics. That one never gets old.)
Everyone in Westview has priceless historical artifacts lying around the house. But the pizza place that inspired “algorithms that allow us to recognize humanity as our nation” doesn’t even have anything worth giving away in a pizza store memorabilia auction.
THANK YOU for making it make at least a teensy bit of sense, although, as is usual, it raises more questions than it answers.
One is: As far as I can tell, Charles Louis (C.L.) Tiffany did not design or sign stained glass; that was the domain of his son, Louis Comfort (L.C.) Tiffany. I welcome correction if I’m wrong on this; going by my own memory and verification by a brief query to Grandpa Google.
Another is: Why was it being sold alongside used pizza trays and counter stools at the Montoni’s liquidation? That’s a Sotheby’s kind of item, not a “put an ad in the local paper for your ‘everything must go’ sale” kind of item. Green Luthor already pointed out that they could have kept themselves afloat indefinitely with the proceeds. At least they should have shown the respect that DCH John showed that printed comic book, and sequestered this important handmade one-of-a-kind artwork from the grubby hands of looky-loos offering 10 bucks for it. But again, it’s only handmade, unique Tiffany stained glass with the potential to last nearly forever. It’s not something priceless for the ages, like a mass-printed kids’ comic on friable newsprint.
The Stradivarius arc — well, I’d never heard of it. CBH, I have no idea if you’re taking suggestions for someday, but there’s a whole story to be written about the tendency (noted by GL) of Crankerbeaniverse characters to stumble on treasures like 40s comic collections (plus odds and ends like Tiffany lamps, Stradivarius violins, Gutenberg Bibles, treasure hoards of Viking gold artifacts, blah blah, you know, the usual crap you find in attics and gardens in Ohio).
And more to the point, any of these finds would be absolutely life-changing. Like having a movie made about your mother’s/wife’s life, and having that movie win an Oscar. But no one ever seems particularly surprised or delighted, and nothing changes.
I mean, the only explaination I can think of for it just being included in the auction is that Funky and Tony’s assumption that it was a fake meant they never had it looked at, and thus it was sold as a fake. The auctioneer asks, “Is this real?” they say, “Naw it’s fake.” and the auctioneer assumes it’s their lamp, they know what they’re talking about.
If I were Lil and looking to buy it back, I wouldn’t correct them.
Ah, yes, the pizza place that got so much more business during the pandemic that the owner had to make deliveries himself, yet also had its “thin-crust profit margins” wiped out at the same time, that also had a half-million dollar lamp that could have been sold to keep themselves in business but decided to close up in autumn while putting new snow tires on their delivery cars. It’s all such a cliche, really; I can’t even count the number of times I’ve seen that exact scenario.
For some reason, that phrase, “thin-crust profit margins,” aggravateS me beyond all reason. First, what the hell does it mean? What in the name of all-merciful God, all-destroying Satan, and all the suffering souls of the mortal plane does it mean?
Second, love it or hate it, Luigi’s pizza (aka Montoni’s pizza) is far from thin-crust. Fat, bready crust is the style. Thin-crust pizza is what you get in NYC. Why would he say —
You know what? Forget it. Just forget trying to make sense of it. That way madness lies. Serenity now. SERENITY NOW!
If a business is just barely making a profit, it can be said to have a “thin profit margin”. (“Narrow” or “small” or any similar adjective can also be used.)
Filter that through someone who doesn’t seem to understand how actual human beings talk, and who insists on turning everything into a terrible pun, and… you get a pizza parlor with a “thin-crust profit margin”.
It’s just another painfully stupid and annoying bit of “clever” wordplay from the guy who coined the phrase “solo car date”. It’s called writing!
Oh, sure, I know the phrase “thin/slim/narrow profit margin.” I just don’t get the interjection of “crust.” Yes, I know pizza has crust.
How about “I just got piston fired from my job as a mechanic.” Or “Our racetrack took out a loan from the banked curve.”
“At our bakery, the accountant takes care of the pay-jellyroll.”
“Our print shop is in a stitched bind.”
Etc. You can know what a jelly roll is, and a payroll, but a pay-jellyroll still doesn’t make sense. Not even as a terrible pun. A terrible pun would be something like “Montoni’s doesn’t have the dough to stay open.”
Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense and it’s not a pun any human being would ever make, but… it’s Batiuk. You just have to accept that you’re going to come across a “pun” that will leave you scratching your head as to why he thought that was a thing that should be written, and never once in all the months it would take to see print did he ever reconsider it. It’s called contempt for your readers!
(Let’s just hope he doesn’t read this and steal any of your examples. Because he totally would. Just look at “chemo sabe”.)
You guys should watch “FoodFight!” It’s nothing but anti-puns like “Let’s strawberry jam out of here!” and “She should be CHIP-SLAPPED!”
Actually, please do not watch “FoodFight!” I watched it for blog content, and holy shit. I watched all 2 hours, but if you can make it through 10 minutes, you have stronger stamina than a Super Green Beret. I could describe it to you, but I’d be banned because I’d sound psychotic.
(He’s Count Chocula, but he’s a gay rapist! But he loves chocolate, so he only rapes Black men!! In a HIGH-LARIOUS kids movie! See, you don’t believe me, hey, watch it and prove me wrong)
(DON’T watch it, it’s even worse than that, oh god)
I honestly can’t believe he’s keeping Montoni’s closure as canonical. I was 100% sure that it was a time-wobble or whatever he called it and we would see Crankshaft and gang hanging out in there at some point.
Montoni’s out of business but Atomix Comiques and Valentines theatre still running? Makes no sense at all. Did Luigi’s start charging him for extra cheese?
Out of respect for Bill the Splut’s request for me to remain with “Crankshaft” on GoComics, I read today’s strip and comments.
Reader @Imhungry left this reply to @J.J. O’Malley.
Way to keep it classy, @Imhungry. /s
I normally would have flagged this comment, but I preferred to leave it alone, so people could see what a dumbass this person is. To steal a line a pearl-clutcher used on J.J. O’Malley, “I feel sadness for their family.”
Cushlamachree! Mild comments about Batiuk’s messed-up continuity and bizarre turns of phrase will get your comment stricken, but literally wishing for the self-mutilation and suicide of a commenter is a-okay?
That tears it. I think Tom is a mod. Perhaps the mod.
He did used to post as a sock puppet whining about being “bullied” because he didn’t like having to admit that people who say that he lost his way were right.
Perhaps you’re right. I’ve been trolled by a sock-puppet.
Sometimes I forget, “Don’t feed the trolls.”
I think the malicious comment would have gone bye-bye if I had flagged it. As I said in my earlier comment, I didn’t flag @Imhungry because I wanted other readers to witness what a jackass they are.
One of Mr. O’Malley’s comments this week had two derogatory replies. I flagged both comments and both were gone the next time I checked. Thankfully, J.J.’s comment was unaffected. Do you think other commenters are getting tired of the pearl-clutcher’s constant whining? I hope so.
Last Autumn, I had an issue with some commenters cluttering up a GoComics comment section by sharing jokes with one another. I submitted a request to GoComic’s Support for them to create a joke-telling group page, so the jokesters could find a home somewhere other than the comments page of one of my comics.
I guess they didn’t want the extra work because their reply was:
The flagging tool is what drives the removal of comments. I think J.J. O’Malley’s comments are being deleted due to pearl-clutchers flagging them for being “negative.” I don’t believe the moderators are deleting them on their own because they are negative. Can the moderators read every comment on every comic strip, searching for negativity? Seems like a monumental task considering the number of titles. Just my two cents worth.
Comparatively speaking, there are political cartoonists who take a hell of a worse beating than from what J.J. writes on TB.
Ex. Bok has his head up his a$$ again.
Oh, my stars and garters.
Today’s CS:
“Hi, I’m MASONN JARRE, star of such movies as ‘Mason Goes to Summer Camp with Mussolini’, and ‘I Ate a Bigfoot’!…Yes, I have been blonde in every other strip, but I decided [vague hand gestures]”
‘Why, yes, to CLEVELAND! I am big movie star! Where would Big Movie Star go, HARTFORD CONNECIUTS? Wait–insurance capitol of the WORLD, you say?! GIRL FRIDAY! Pencil that in!!”
“What? She’s WIFE of me?! Let me assure myself of this, and ask woman packing my bag as if I were but a child!”
**fart**
“HA HA YES I DID! Total ad lib! When I get an Oscar for that, I ain’t giving it up to NOBODY!…Okay, that guy Les was a nobody. But No, NO! we are talking about MASON HERE! Hey, this lady here, maid or wife, is she 30 or 70? It keeps changing, and OH GOD CAN SOMEONE GET ME OFF ALL THESE DRUGS?”
(jumps off HOLLYWOOD sign)
I get that Masonne Jarre is supposed to be like George Clooney, but who is Cindy meant to be? A rich Hollywood trophy wife who does the dishes like it’s 1965? Go buy a Maytag, Tom.
I remember him from “Locker room follies, The Blinding of Larry Driscoll “.
I just watched that Simpsons episode with Troy McClure.
T-MINUS LISA I REPEAT WE HAVE T-MINUS LISA
And of course, the whole blasted thing would have been totally unnecessary if Batiuk hadn’t dug himself a huge plot hole because he was too damn chicken (or, worse, too lacking in any sort of interest because other people’s children are irrelevant) to not do that stupid time skip.
To quote Batty:
“ I’d spent a long time learning how to be a cartoonist, but it took Lisa to teach me why I was a cartoonist.”
You ever see a dog barf, and then eat its own barf?
Every Tom quote seems like that.
As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.
— Proverbs 26:11
Ha ha! Like THAT’S in the Bible!
(looks)
…Jesus Christ.
I hate you, and the next 10 generations of Ducks.
Okay, Proverbs, Old Testament, so PRE-sus Christ, but still.
(yells at clouds) “THANKS FOR THE DOG VOMIT THING GOD!!!”
Since we are at the end of this comment thread, I would just like to say–and not in a negative way at all–that if I had to describe it, I’d say “SoSF is a bunch of over-educated people getting mad about the stupidest thing that has ever existed.”
GODSPEED, my friends, and once more into the breach!
(trips over own sword; ends up in hospital for another 7 weeks)
Seems to me that it taught him the wrong thing. There’s something wrong with someone proud of a big old bag of smashed assholes (Canadian military slang for a mess) like that.
“it took Lisa to teach me why I was a cartoonist: to whore myself and her out for awards. Did I mention Lisa died?”
Right, it never was about Lisa it was all a ruse to fellate Les’ ego. Les being a stand in for Batty.
Just like when Lillian went to the book festival back in April 2017 and went to a seminar. Everybody was providing gimmicky writing tips, but not Les, his words were like gold to Lillian. 🤮
The way he refers to his characters as if they were real people — as if they were the Muses themselves, tugging at his sleeve, prancing through the forest glades of his psyche, plucking at lutes, gamboling, cajoling, persuading, leading him on a merry chase he knows not whence, but he must follow, follow as Thalia and Melpomene grasp his hand, Calliope skipping on ahead, and Lisa, dear Lisa, off in the distance, calling his name — calling out to have her story told! and Les egging him on from behind — “Tom! You must give voice to Lisa! She has so much to say! So many tales to tell, tales only you can share with the world!” —
The annoying thing is not so much the pretentiousness. Lord knows writers are particularly susceptible to that. It’s that, with all the sleeve-tugging, story-telling, and voices-in-his-head demands, they still seem so flat. Lisa never had a consistent character. Mousy, scared ugly duckling? Rebel who hung out with a “bad boy” hoping to fit into a cool crowd? Rape victim? Spunky activist lawyer who shrugged off the malpractice that killed her? Cancer treatment advocate who abandoned treatment for herself? Devoted mom whose focus while dying was not on her kid but entirely on the legacy she would leave for her husband and how his future wife should deal with his screaming her name during orgasm?
The truth is, I don’t believe him. I don’t believe these characters ever “called to him.” I think he says that stuff because he thinks it makes him sound writerly. He’s not writing from character, that much is clear. (Exception: Les has been pretty reliably a pissy, self-absorbed jerk with a backpfeifengesicht. Whether that’s because he’s an author insert I leave for the reader to decide).
The idiot who does FBorFW had the same stupid hang-up. StaLynn was all about how certain characters don’t appear aby longer because they don’t speak to her or a wall comes between her and them or any number of bullshit excuses. This is why Stan Lee was infinitely preferable: he knew Spider-Man was a long underwear character meant to appeal to a target audience.
Referencing Crankshaft comments on GC yesterday:
I sure do love me some men-spirited comments!