Before I came to SoSF, I was a contributor to a college sports blog, where I also ran a play-money betting contest. So I speak the language of odds and vigorish and parlays. Tapping into that experience will be my latest approach to dealing with the Batton Death March. I love playful betting!
Since Tom Batiuk is snarking himself so hard there’s no reason for us to bother anymore, I’m setting up a little contest! Make predictions about the next installment of the Batton Thomas interview. (Because we all know there’s going to be another installment.) Score points if your prediction is correct. Choose from 20 different bets!
Make choices, and score a total number of points based on the difficulty of the prediction. -1 point for any incorrect choice. Make a comment listing your choices, and the bet number for each. After each week ends, I’ll tally the sore. If you want to review previous weeks, I’ve been keeping the Compleat Batton Thomas post updated.
RULES: All bets are for the entire week. Sunday strips count, if they feature Batton Thomas. Each panel counts as a separate mention. (So if Skip smirks in two different panels of the same strip, that counts as two smirks for bet #A7.) The house (i.e., me) judges all bets.
General
G1. When will the next week of the Batton Death March begin?
April 27, May 4, May 11, May 18, May 25 (1 point each), June (2 points), later in 2026 (3 points), not at all in 2026 (10,000 points)
G2. Will Skip start the week by making a comment about “continuing the interview”?
Yes or No (1 point each)
G3. Where will they meet?
Montoni’s (.5 point), Batton’s studio, Centerview Sentinel offices, Dale Evans, Komix Korner (1 point each), a location from Tom Batiuk’s personal life (1.5 points), none of these (2 points). 10 points for a specific new location which you name.
G4. What recording device will Skip use?
None (1 point), pen and paper (2 points), cell phone (0.5 points), other (3 points)
Artwork
A1. How many times will this image be used?
Not at all (2.5 points), once (0.1 point), two or more times (2.5 points). Mirrored versions, smaller versions, and slightly edited versions of the image count.
A2. Will there be a word balloon that is more than half the size of the panel?
Yes, No (1 point each), More Than One (4 points)
A3. How many flashback images will there be?
None (2 points), Only One (.5 points), More Than One (1 point)
A4. Will a flashback image include a real person?
Yes, No (1 point each), More Than One (1.5 points). 5 points for any real person you can name.
A5. Will there be a sideways strip?
Yes, No (1 point each), More Than One (5 points)
A6. What early Tom Batiuk artwork will appear?
None (0.5 points), his childhood drawings (1.5 points), pre-Funky Winkerbean work such as Rapping Around (2 points), Funky Winkerbean art (2.5 points), childhood drawings by someone else (5 points)
A7. How many times will Skip smirk?
1 point per smirk, but your guess has to be exactly right. 10,000 points if you predict zero smirks and are correct.
A8. What intellectual property will be appropriated?
DC or Marvel characters (.1 point), characters from other comic strips (.5 points) someone else’s artwork, but you can name the person (2 points).
Subject Matter
M1. Will Batton mention comic books?
No (2 points), Only Once (.1 points), More Than Once (2 points)
M2. In which of the following ways will comic books appear?
Batton failing to get a job at DC or Marvel (.1 point), a comic book cover Batton had no stated role in creating (.1 points), a comic book cover Batton helped create (.2 points), collectible value (.3 points), writing for comic books (.5 points).
M3. Will Batton quote someone?
Yes (1.5 points), No (.5 points). 10 points if you can name them specifically,
M4. Who will Batton name-drop?
5 points for anyone you can name specifically. 10 points if that person hasn’t appeared yet.
M5. Who will Batton bash?
5 points for anyone you can name specifically. 10 points if that person hasn’t appeared yet.
M6. Will Batton act like a complete jackass at some point?
Yes (.0001 points), No (10000 points)
M7. Will Batton talk about doing actual work on Three O’Clock High or The Wrinkles?
Yes (.0001 points), No (10000 points)
M8. How many of the seven deadly sins will Batton commit?
One point for each, but you have to get it exactly right
Roll Your Own!
If you want to make a bet on something other than the above, post it in your comment, and I’ll offer a payout.
Son of Stuck Funky 
How badly will he misinterpret something a person said?
4/26: No, Random Person From Nowhere, the correct reaction is not “Touché.” It is “Please stop talking.”
As of 7:15 Sunday morning the Arcamax comics site is running Sunday’s strip sans black coloring, meaning there are no headlines or dialogue.
It’s much more tolerable that way.
There was enough of the Lilian Being Smug image to guess at what we didn’t see.
G1. I believe your dates are incorrect here. A Monday start date would mean the available dates for April and May should be April 27, May 3, May 10, May 17, May 24, May 31. I would also argue that a correct guess on the earliest of these dates should be worth more than one point.
A1. Two or more times.
A7. Placing my bet on 7 here.
M3. I’ll say yes to this one. If I get to guess who as a sort of bonus (i.e., it doesn’t invalidate the “Yes” bet if I get the actual person wrong), got to go with Stan Lee here.
M7. I’m going with no. I feel good about this one. He may not talk about working at all …
M8. “Pride” is a given. So is sloth (failure to utilize one’s talents). Envy will also probably make an appearance.
Pretty sure “lust” is right out.
M4:
> Hollywood.
> Anyone who doesn’t read comics/comic strips correctly.
> His own mother.
M6: Depends. Will Batton behave like a jackass at some point? Of course.
A complete jackass? That will solely depend on who is making the judgement. This week for instance, I would say involved jackassery on the part of Batton … but was he a complete jackass? A complete jackass might have gone up to “Chet” Gould and tried to draw him into a conversation solely about the stupid knock-off strip he made as a kid.
I guess I’d want a stronger definition of complete jackassery before laying down a bet here.
Roll your own: Give me some odds on how many panels (through the next Batton week) in which Skip will have any spoken dialogue,
I corrected the dates. As for “Batton being a complete jackass,” you’re right, that’s a little too subjective to evaluate. The “seven deadly sins” one is better, because there’s a written definition of what those are.
G1: Okay! Put me down for June.
Here’s my bets
Wherescrankshaft on GoComics brought up today’s Sunday strip brings back the same book cover depicted in the 4/11 strip where the twins used AI to cook up an entire book and cover for her off-panel. One can ignore the snark about printing logistics and the commenter already brought up the very damning implication that Loathesome Lillian is now flogging Ai slop as her own content like cheap Amazon ebook sellers, but the fact that gag can be connected to today’s Sunday strip just makes me how the Sunday Cover gimmick has devolved under Act 4 ‘Shaft.
Say what you want about the original gimmick, but Batiuk’s “tip of the Funky felt tip” comic overs for Baton/Atomik Komix that had no story beyond said covers at least let him show appreciation to artists he liked and gave them an extra dime in his pocket. Now of course it’s not exactly lazy to trust your regular strip artist to take over the cover gimmick in theory (and in practice we’ve said more than enough at how Dangerous Davis phones things in), but really it says a lot about Tom’s biased intrigues that he’s getting so much lightly-jokey content out of cozy mystery literature yet not even wanting to tip that Funky felt to their field of cover artists. In an age where gig artists are in hard times due to writers settling for AI gen software as cover designs it would be nice to spotlight them more in the funny papers, but no, he’s content to settle for less even for his beloved comics industry and save pennies by having Dan trace everything rather than get more original art done. Considering he had Pete give up on them by throwing away his writing career for flipping pizzas, how far are we from Lillian turning her bookstore into a cafe?
(Also for bonus fun: check out today’s strip on Arcamax. Somehow they got a file without the lineart lmao!)
Yep. It’s happened before and also did today, where I wrote a comment here without realizing that the next post is up, so you may flip back a day if you care to see it. In summary; the implication riled me enough to write an email to the Ohioana Festival account to inquire about their stance on featured authors using AI. I’m not holding my breath for a response, but we’ll see.
In general response to your post in total, one thing we should not forget is the time that Tom featured a child’s artwork in one of the FW strips (somewhere towards the end of the run) and he didn’t bother to credit the child at all. Tom may feel that using a Cintiq or AI is beneath him, but there are other corners to cut.
Today’s Crankfuckery
(a few hours later)
Emily: So, Miss McKenzie, how did it go?
Lillian: I’m banned from entering the Ohioana book festival for life.
Ameila: I’m starting to think that having AI generate an entire book was a terrible idea.
Emily: Are you kidding? We got that old bat banned from the festival! It was the best idea ever! Let’s see if we can con Les Moore into using AI-generated lesson plans and get him fired from the school!
4/27: We’re back to mocking the people who attend conventions. I wonder if he realizes that this is why people don’t gravitate towards his booth.
Yeah, I wonder how many of these are things people said to Tom Batiuk at one of his 60,000 book signings. And I wonder how badly he’s mis-remembering them, since today’s strip makes no sense at all. Just like Sunday’s “touche” strip, there’s absolutely nothing in the first panel that sets up the second panel. Much less Lillian’s condescending smirk.
I recognized a butchering of something they once said to Tom Batiuk at a signing, saw their in-strip representative being mocked for it, and took sent those signed Funky Winkerbean volumes straight to eBay.
It speaks to his lack of a Theory Of Mind, doesn’t it? This isn’t a concern that he cares about so the person is stupid.
I think — I think — the joke is supposed to be that this person is so OCD that she can’t stand to look at an “incomplete” shelf missing one hardcover (and with a paperback substitute in its place). Hahaha! Ain’t crippling OCD hilarious?
Of course, it could also be that every time she looks at that shelf, she despairs of the time and money she’s spent on collecting terrible books by a terrible writer, and recognizes that they will never appreciate in value and that their presence in her house only serves as an ongoing reminder of what a loser she is.
Which is kind of funny, I guess, in that she’s admitting all this in front of said terrible writer.
Or she could just buy the damned hardcover copy, since she’s at a book fair to meet the author of said book. Sheesh, the lengths people go to in this world to avoid the obvious solutions to their problems…
That last paragraph should be”IF SOMEONE recognized a butchering of something they once said to Tom Batiuk at a signing, and saw their in-strip representative being mocked for it, they’d take those signed Funky Winkerbean volumes straight to eBay.”
I find today’s strip somewhat relatable, I would be deeply ashamed of owning Lillian’s books as well.
Give me some of that action!
G1 – May 18
G2 – Yes
G3 – Sentinel office
G4 – cell phone
A1 – 2 or more
A2 – more than one
A3 – 1
A4 – No
A5 – No
A6 – Pre Funky
A7 – 7
A8 – DC or Marvel
M1 – More than once
M2 – Writing for comic books
M3 – No
M4 – Milt Caniff
M5 –
M6 – Yes
M7 – No
M8 – 6
It’s interesting that you were involved in sports betting, BJ6K. I used to play the numbers and get my parlay tickets from a guy from Murray Hill named Banana Sr. 6000, but he stopped coming around about the same that Leo “Lips” Moceri disappeared.
time
4/28: It doesn’t occur to this man to thank his friend, does it?
Or to simply ask for the book back. The people in this world will go to incredible lengths to avoid the tiniest amounts of effort or conflict.
It would never occur to Batiuk to do that so neither can this guy.
He probably can’t thank his friend even if it did occur to him. I mean, if I was lent a Lillian McKenzie book by a friend, I would probably refuse to speak to them again.
I think Tom Batiuk is geniunely incapable of basic courtesy and tact, so all his characters are too.
We are dealing with the man who thought it right and good for Dead Skunk Head to cold-bloodedly reject his mother because she picked the wrong superhero’s merch. Understanding other people ‘means’ he doesn’t get to talk.
At least it’s not Les’s Story About How He Was The Only Victim Of Lisa’s Cancer.
Les made everyone the victims of Lisa’s cancer.
Since it made him a worse person, he’s an A$$#o73 victim.
I think at this point I just want a full on Funky Winkerbean invasion of the strip because Crankshaft is not even going through the motions anymore. It’s just vaguely gesturing in directions and shifting a bit but never actually getting out of the chair as it recycles the same handful of premises in a constant loop.
The Atomik Dweebs gushing over covers and crying over climate damage is preferable to this.
At least with them, you get to see Batiuk’s failure to understand how comic books are created.
Banana, thank you for the post. I’ve given it some thought, and I think the next visit to Battonland will actually mention the genesis of Three O Clock high. One thing that Tom has managed to do throughout these past two years of this crap is to not repeat himself, and I believe that this is next on the plate. Yes, we saw mention of him mailing FW strips in to the syndicate, but the next part is showing how he took to making the actual content itself. Meanwhile, forgive me if my responses are terse, but I am loathe to put more thought into Tom’s work than Tom himself will do. With that in mind –
G1. When will the next week of the Batton Death March begin? May 11
G2. Will Skip start the week by making a comment about “continuing the interview”? No. It will just go.
G3. Where will they meet? Westview HS.
G4. What recording device will Skip use? None. They’re past pretending that this is an actual interview now.
A1. How many times will this image be used? At least three times.
A2. Will there be a word balloon that is more than half the size of the panel? More than one.
A3. How many flashback images will there be? Only one.
A4. Will a flashback image include a real person? Yes; Tom Batiuk.
A5. Will there be a sideways strip? No.
A6. What early Tom Batiuk artwork will appear? FW Act 1 art.
A7. How many times will Skip smirk? Five. Once per week day.
A8. What intellectual property will be appropriated? None.
Subject Matter
M1. Will Batton mention comic books? No.
M2. In which of the following ways will comic books appear? None of the above.
M3. Will Batton quote someone? Yes – Flash Fairfield.
M4. Who will Batton name-drop? See M3, but that depends if he bothers to spell his name correctly this time, I suppose.
M5. Who will Batton bash? Nobody specific, but high school students in general.
M6. Will Batton act like a complete jackass at some point? He cannot not act like a jackass.
M7. Will Batton talk about doing actual work on Three O’Clock High or The Wrinkles? Yes*, in that he will have a flashback hand on a panel hoisted on an easel.
M8. How many of the seven deadly sins will Batton commit? Just pride and sloth.
Bets: Placed.
A regular guy would say that he put a set of stock characters in a high school setting and made it down beat on purpose because it was funnier that way. Batiuk doesn’t know what story he’s telling so we’re in for crazy nonsense.
Both Today and Yesterday’s Crankfuckery
Days 2 and 3 of Lillian At Ohioana Book Festival Week
(ZZZZZZZZZZ)
4/29: You know what makes as much sense as sand jacket? Solo car date.