This past week of Crankshaft was so bad, I had to write two posts about it. The first post was here. This second one will focus on the alleged joke-writing. Beware, the comedy disconnects are everywhere.
A comedy disconnect happens when a writer sacrifices reality and ideas in pursuit of a laugh. Tom Batiuk doesn’t really sacrifice reality and ideas; he never introduces them in the first place. We’ll soon see how.
Continue reading “Do Explain The Joke”A “Sticks Nix Hick Pix” reference? That’s the lowest form of humor…
Billy The Skink
Hey, I do my best, man. 😏
If my ongoing TBTropes series of posts was a college course, this week’s Crankshaft could be the final exam. Because this week, Tom Batiuk is putting on a master class of his worst qualities as a writer. I’ve already written a longer explanation for each of these, so I’ll be brief in recounting them.
Class, let’s start the review:
Emily’s first visit to the Centerville Sentinel started on November 18, 2024, with the explanation that she was there to do a class assignment. The week ended with Emily saying a nice goodbye to Skip, and announcing she got an A+ in the class. Okay, fine. It was a week of dreadful jokes, but harmless enough to escape this blog’s notice. Until now.
Continue reading “Blog Spox Reax: Batx Work Sux”Tom Batiuk’s latest blog post Match To Flame 219 starts with one of the most bizarre sentences I’ve ever read.
It was another one of those road to Damascus–double down–who’s your daddy moments.
I have so many questions about this. What life event could possibly be described by all three of these cliches at the same time, especially when the first two contradict each other? A “road to Damascus” is a sudden, major change in one’s beliefs. To “double down” is to increase your commitment to something you’re already doing. So, it’s one of those “change while emphatically not changing” moments in life? And how often does this happen to Tom Batiuk? It must be a lot, because he introduces it with the phrase “it was another one of those” moments. As if he’s rolling his eyes from the sheer boredom of it all.
I want to rework George Carlin’s “fine and dandy” bit to be about these three phrases instead. “I never use the phrase ‘road to Damascus–double down–who’s your daddy moments.’ Why? Because I’m never all three of those things at the same time! Sometimes, I am indeed on the road to Damascus. Just the other day, I was flying from New York to change planes in Dubai. But I never double down during those trips! In fact, I’m pretty sure blackjack is illegal in Muslim countries. And I never use the phrase ‘who’s your daddy?’ Unless I find a lost little girl at the park, and I’m trying to find her parents. Then I might ask, ‘who’s your daddy?'”
Continue reading ““Who Art Thy Daddy?”, Sayeth Paul To The Galatians, While Splitting Aces”My retelling of The Burnings continues. All episodes of the retelling appear under the “Burnings” tag.) A recap of previous episodes:
Chapter 6 begins now.
PROSECUTOR: Please state your full name.
CHRISTOPHER: Christopher J. Bland, but I go by Chris.
PROSECUTOR: You are a student at Westview High School, is that correct?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes.
Continue reading “Testimony Of Student”Oh goody. That wacky Dinkle is overworking high school students again. I would roll my eyes, but in the Funkyverse that’s interpreted as a gesture of approval. I would yawn, except that Dinkle’s behavior towards his performers makes me want to call the police instead.
The punchline of the December 2 strip was that Centerview High School’s band was being conducted by the industrial arts teacher. Dinkle reacts snidely to this, because he’s a complete jackass, but also because this is Not Doing Things Correctly. And if there’s one thing the Funkyverse will not stand for, it’s people Not Doing Things Correctly.
When I heard about the industrial arts teacher conducting a band, I immediately thought of this:
I imagined this industrial arts teacher was a secret John Cage fan, and started to put together a performance of holiday music played entirely on tools from shop class. He worked all night on it, and was all ready to present it to the principal, when he was told “Uh, yeah… about that…. Harry Dinkle waltzed through the front door and demanded to be put in charge, so now he’s conducting the holiday concert. Sorry.”
For a comic strip that runs on mundane tragedies, it sure does ignore mundane tragedies. Because they’re not important unless they’re happening to Les, Dinkle, Lillian, Funky, Skip, Batton Thomas, or a comic book.
All of Dinkle’s failings as as a character have been pretty thoroughly documented here by now. My main beef with this week’s travesty is something else that’s been pretty thoroughly documented too; Tom Batiuk’s inability to get to the point. It took six days to get Dinkle waving his little stick again. It could have been done in two panels:
Dinkle conducting a high school band is Tom Batiuk’s idea of fan service. He thinks everybody loves it when Dinkle or Ed Crankshaft gives children PTSD. So why does it him so long to get on with it? Dinkle had to learn about the opening, be bribed into pursuing it (huh ??!!), show up at the school office, walk into the band room, and announce his rules before the first note is played. Which was terrible of course, and was met with his usual response.
You know what we didn’t see, though? Dinkle convincing this school to give him the job. Say what you will about Dinkle; he’s persuasive. He can sell the stupidest things door-to-door, and talk people into giving him jobs when his reputation should make him radioactive. This is the part of the Dinkle story I’d actually want to see: the snake oil salesman making his pitch.
Think of John Candy in Plains Trains and Automobiles. He talked strangers into helping him, sold shower curtain rings to raise money, and made Steve Martin see the value of keeping him around. He was a genuinely good salesman. He pulled his weight in getting them home, despite being extremely annoying.
But that’s not what gets emphasized in the Funkyverse. What does get emphasized in the Funkyverse? The main character being catered to. It’s always the same template. Character shows up, announces how talented they are, gets everything they want handed to them, and the world fawns over them. Even people who would have way more power, like Les Moore’s Hollywood overseers. Automobiles would been way less charming if John Candy just showed up everywhere and said “Hi, I’m the world’s greatest salesman, and I demand your only hotel room.” Then it cuts to the “two pillows” scene. (Actually, that scene would never happen in Funky Winkerbean, because it was legit funny.)
This is why Tom Batiuk can’t get to the point. He thinks “The talent is here, kiss my ring now” is the point. And if you know Tom Batiuk’s real-life frustrations with Hollywood, and with never getting hired by DC or Marvel, you can see why he thinks that. It’s the reaction he thinks he should get.
Son of Stuck Funky 