Epicus Doomus

Fifty Shades Of Lame

For a vaunted and feared comic book chiseler, Chester kind of lacks a working knowledge of how auctions normally work. He’s not “chiseling” correctly either. And there’s no need to shout, the auctioneer is standing right there to the left of the panel there, Chester. In typical FW fashion, our “heroes” show up for an auction lot containing a trove of rare and valuable comic books with a whole fifty bucks scorching a hole in their pockets. Good plan there, guys. Thankfully they’re able to shrug off their idiocy with a wry remark and those “deadpan” expressions, which no doubt sent BanTom to the floor of his studio with a massive laughing fit right after he dreamed this bit of nonsense up. Well, I guess it’s marginally better than not amusing anyone whatsoever, right?

FW routinely botches even the easiest of premises, but this one might mark a new low. The guy gets an opportunity to use an “iconic” (much more so than any FW character at any rate) comic strip character in his daily strip and instead of doing anything that’s even remotely different or entertaining he decides to make it all about a f*cking comic book auction. It’s mid-week and DT isn’t even there today! Why even bother with DT at all if this is all you have? He’s a f*cking detective, TB, have the guy go find Becky’s mom or Harry’s missing kids or your sense of humor (provided there’s enough time for that last one, that is).

Throwing Shade

Link To Today’s Strip

That was fast. Dick Tracy is indeed in the strip, but today he’s only playing a background role as BanTom has decided to focus on two totally forgotten stupid one-off characters from last year’s idiotic Starbuck Jones arc instead. So typically self-indulgent. I can’t believe he’s actually making this DT crossover arc all about a f*cking comic book auction, I mean talk about a lack of imagination.

Grand Theft Humor

Link To Today’s Strip

Special thanks to TFH and the SoSF staff for everything they do!!

BanTom suddenly abandoning a premise he spent weeks setting up is certainly nothing new in the Funkyverse, he does it all the time. It’s called “writing”. It’s also annoying. But I forgot all about Mason Whatshisface as soon as I tried to decipher today’s brain-damagingly bizarre strip. The Jumbler? Finley’s Pharmacy? Holly pretending to be surprised by the sight of those two morons doing everything but working? What the f*ck?

Then I heard from the crack SoSF research team who informed me that within that massive wall of expository jibber-jabber lurk a few Dick Tracy references, which means that the long-rumored and much-dreaded Dick Tracy super mega crossover arc may be upon us…RIGHT NOW! For those of you not familiar with pop culture fads of the 1940s, Dick Tracy is a comic strip detective of some kind who regularly does battle with comically-named foes like The Jumbler (no doubt named for his propensity toward never properly organizing his comic books). I’m hoping this arc somehow involves Westview’s super-villain Dick Face, the man who paralyzes his foes with rage and disgust. “Watch out for the park bench, Mr. Tracy, it’s a trap!!”.

And once again Holly comes across as a total imbecile. I mean obviously they’re going to a police auction to bid on a huge lot of vintage comic books because of course they are. Duh. They’re not eating pizza or loitering around in that creepy store, so where else would they be going? To the library? The bank? To buy new clothes or fitness equipment? Home to their wives and families? Not bloody likely.

Don’t Fear The Creeper

SoSFDavidO here, filling in for folks far funnier than I for the next two weeks!

There’s a word for old men who hang around high schools long after they’ve graduated and we had to watch a film strip about them called Stranger Danger. In Today’s Strip, Harry Dinkle just can’t get enough of lurking around high schools with a creepy Sandusky-Esque look on his face.

Don’t Hang In There, Dingus

Link To Today’s Strip

He who last leaf’s last laughs…laughs last? I forget how that old Westviewian folk saying goes. Anyhow, today we learn that a truly healthy marriage is based on a strong foundation of subtle threats and emotional extortion, with lots of crippling anxiety, some neglect, a degree of guilt and shame, extravagant make-up gifts and possibly a fear of heights thrown in for good measure. Cayla is thrilled about the opportunity to visit a Chinese publishing mill to get the very first benzene-soaked copy of Les’ new book where he apparently compares her to the last dying leaf of dying leaf season, which is just too touching for words (unless the word is “yuck”). She can read it on the flight home and kill a healthy six or seven minutes if she takes it slow and appreciates the (chortle) “artwork”. Hopefully Summer’s absence indicates that she put her hoodie back on (hopefully) and went back to KSU to continue her studies in inanity which is fine by me as she wore out her welcome as soon as she ambled out of that car of hers. The guy does a ten year time-skip to accommodate the Summer character and she never adds anything to anything. Nicely done there, Pulitzer (nominee) Boy.

You can be sure this isn’t the last we’ll be hearing of this “Last Leaf”, you can bet your Funky ass on that. Maybe it’ll all lead to a collection of Les & Cayla strips. He can call it “Ebony and Irony…The Other Shoe Meets Its Foot” and it could feature all the big Les & Cayla moments, like the time she stood there when he did the thing or the many other times she was featured in the background of the strip. And a bunch of other crap to fill it out to book-like length. Maybe even a launch-party at Montoni’s…(shudder). It could potentially generate tens of dollars of sales, some of which could be donated to charities devoted to helping anniversary-forgetters. Everyone wins.

Man, just a few weeks back we were making fun of Owen’s head injury. Seems like a lifetime ago. Les just swoops in and dominates all with his smug eyebrows and annoying facial expressions that are always more fully realized than any of the other characters. It’s all so frustrating and rage-inducing and once he settles in he never goes the f*ck away. The whole thing read like a pitiful attempt to compensate for all the times BatTom inexplicably left Cayla out of his little “stories” because he can’t really ever draw her hair consistently. Just pathetic.

And on that note, I am outta here, off to the Les Moore recovery suite with a gallon of rock & rye and some pills I found on the floor. Stay tuned for your next snarktacular guest host…the legendary TFH himself! See you all in the comment section and stay Funky!