Shaft (Shut Your Mouth…No, Really, STFU Already)

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While I know a bit about the history of comic books, I’m far from being an expert in the field, so I’m just going to assume that somehow the Cleveland-based creators of “Superman” (REGISTERED TRADEMARK) were indeed somehow screwed over by those mean nasty impudent New Yorkers. Either that or TB is taking a shot at those “big city” folk, like how he’s always bashing “Hollywood”. Poor, poor Ohio, always getting “shafted” by those awful coastal folk and their decidedly un-Ohioian ways. But hey, at least they didn’t send her to Cincinnati, am I right?

Remarkably, Cindy’s plane landed uneventfully with no obvious fatalities, so I guess we’re to assume she is indeed Cleveland’s newest anchorwoman. One can also assume she’s going to spend the majority of the week bitching about it, too. Has there been a single arc so far in 2014 that DIDN’T feature a character or characters bitching and moaning about something? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and also assume that her first stop will be that f*cking town, although to what end is anyone’s guess at this point. But you can bet everything on this: whatever happens will be as uneventful and dull as watching paint dry (but at least with paint you can catch a cheap buzz off the fumes). No one can suck the life out of a premise like BatDrone can.

Snow Regrets

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Westview’s “nuclear winter” continues unabated today as our favorite lard-laden couple fondly reminisces about the events of last year, when Holly’s deviant punk of a son joined the Army after completing the “chin-up challenge” at the PTSD fair last summer. Batom’s attempts to get his readers to like Cory continues unabated as well as he thoughtfully included a particularly heinous floating disembodied Cory head to remind us of how snazzy he looks now that he’s military-approved. Hopefully the disembodied head is mere foreshadowing, but somehow I doubt it. His weird and sudden Holly & Funky fixation is really beginning to grate, though. How much more of these two buffoons can we possibly endure? Wait…do NOT answer that.

Over (weight) Achiever

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What the hell?? The idea well is getting awfully dry when you need to resort to jokes that make no sense whatsoever. Does he mean he needs to stay on a treadmill all day to merely maintain his current astronomical weight and not gain more? That’s not funny. And if that’s not the joke, what is it supposed to be? And why does everyone wryly smirk every time Funky makes another one of his sad-sack loser remarks about his decrepitude? What is it about this man’s slow and brutal slog to the grave that these people find so damned amusing? I just hope this ponderous debacle is over and we move on, although with FW you gotta be careful about what you wish for, you know?

The Fickle Hand Of Fat

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I don’t know what it would take to find Funky’s “core” although a wetsuit, thick rubber gloves and some type of breathing apparatus would probably be advisable. I do know that if he tries to lie on that ball like Fitness Girl is doing, that gym is going to have quite a lawsuit (and possibly some structural issues with the floor) on their hands. And another shuttered business is the last thing that town needs.

Still, I actually mustered up a weak chuckle at Funky’s creepy leering today, thus this one is in the lead for “funniest of 2014” so far. Still a lot of room in that category, by the way. Poor Fitness Girl, whatever they’re paying her at that gym, it isn’t enough. At least he’s isn’t sweating all over her today.

The Longest Forty-Something Years In The History Of Years

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Gotta hand it to Batiuk today. I would have thought that this “fatwad goes to the gym” arc would have played itself out after a panel or two but here it is, Thursday, and it’s still as fresh and hilarious as it was on Monday. Granted, the bar was set rather low……

Oh, hold on a second. At first glance I thought that was Mephistopheles himself, about to summon Funky on down to eternal damnation and all. But nope, it’s just a cynically smirking Fitness Girl wildly arching her eyebrows, presumably in bemused disgust at Funky’s pathetic punchline. I hear that, FG. But better be careful making those faces, if she gets stuck like that she’ll be banished from everywhere BUT Westview and no one wants that.