Epicus Doomus

Ironic Punishment Indeed

Poor Wedgeman, you hate to see a kid throw away his eighth year of high school over getting involved with illegal laxatives like that. A kid’s fourth senior year should be the highlight of their young life. When will these kids today learn that there’s no chemical solution for a dietary problem? And not only is Wedgeman disappointing himself, but he’s also letting down his teammates who he’s no doubt established quite a rapport with after starting for the Goats since 2005 or so. Their next 43-7 loss just won’t be the same without him.

I love Wedgeman’s surprised expression, as if he had no idea there might be repercussions after being filmed while stealing drugs from that middle-aged woman that hangs around the cafeteria sometimes. And I likewise love Bull’s expression in panel three, as if not allowing Wedgeman to pay-to-play on the worst high school football team in the state is some sort of cruel merciless death blow of pain, shame and regret. Just think…THAT was the toughest punishment Nate and Bull could dream up. And they wonder why these kids are in high school for what seems like seven years at a time. The school’s other bullies must surely be trembling in blind naked fear right now.

Candid Crap-ola

Today’s strip

Ahhh-haaa! I knew Owen was up to something with the way he was holding that phone all suspiciously the other day. Now he has all the evidence Principal Nate needs to put a stop to the big Metamucil theft ring that’s plaguing WHS. These kids today and their regular bowel movements, I’ll tell you what. I just hope there’s something in the Big WHS Student Handbook about bullying being banned because if there isn’t, poor Owen is f*cked once Wedgemen discovers he filmed him without expressed written or verbal consent.

Coming tomorrow: Nate consults the Big WHS Student Handbook and discovers there’s no rule against using and/or stealing Metamucil (or any fiber-based supplements or laxatives) on school grounds. Nate angrily dismisses a confused (redundant, I know) Owen from his office, telling him he’s tired of this shit. After realizing it’s another awful Batom pun, everyone groans in disgust and vows to stop reading FW forever, only to read it again the next day.

A Little “Backed-Up”

Today’s strip

Congrats to those who selected “something really stupid” in yesterday’s poll! If you selected “non-prescription drugs”, yeah, you’re technically correct too, I suppose. If you selected “prescription drugs” I’m sorry but you lose. That kind of reckless drug abuse might fly over at Mary Worth or Dilbert or whatever, but recreational drug use has no place in this comic strip. It just has too much potential to be interesting.

I would have assumed that Imodium was the OTC drug of choice for the average Westviewian, given their typical all-Montoni’s diets, but I suppose all that unsanitarily-made pizza could indeed have….uh…the “opposite” effect, as they say. This will conclude any and all speculation re: Alex’s (or any other FW character for that matter) colonic issues. A disturbing mental image, to say the least. At least we know where Wedgeman will be for the next several hours, but how happy he may or may not be remains to be seen. On the plus side, if he’s also on the WHS wrestling team he shouldn’t have too much trouble making weight this week.

Coming tomorrow: the evil Wedgeman doesn’t stop at fiber, also shaking Alex down for her blood pressure monitor, her walker and her AARP prescription card as a befuddled Owen looks on stupidly as usual.

Forking Wedgeman

Today’s Strip

The vicious, unrelenting Wedgeman continues to shake Alex down for her mystery pharmaceuticals (while simultaneously judging her) as Owen looks on with dimwitted concern, holding his cell phone in a most suspicious manner. And this time, there’s no Summer Moore to grittily intervene and save the day for the “loser table”. Will Owen sit there cowering or will he stand up for his lady? Will Alex cave and hand over the meds? Will Wedgeman inquire as to what the pills are before he greedily gulps them all down? Will a new hero emerge? Will this shakedown take an entire week to play out? Will anyone even care anymore after today? Stay tuned……

Just Say (Oh) No

Today’s strip

All day I’ve been wondering what TomBat had in store for us this week and not even for a second did I ever consider the possibility of an Alex arc, much less one that involves (GASP!!!!) drugs. I can’t say that I remember this deviant Anon-O-Goon’s name or if he even has one, but henceforth I will refer to him as George as a sort of tribute to his special “WHAM!” sound efffect. So George saw Alex eating a few pills after lunch and automatically assumed they were recreational drugs, which, in his defense, is a reasonable assumption given where she lives, where she goes to school, who she hangs out with and so on. But in any event, instead of politely inquiring about the possibility of procuring a taste for himself, George angrily threatens Alex, demanding her stash right there and then. The nerve of him! At least offer to trade her one of your cyanide caps (aka Westviewian Prozac), dude.

UPDATE: Is that supposed to be Wedgeman, WHS’ resident bully? I guess it is, my bad. Wasn’t Wedgeman a senior last year, back when he was terrorizing Owen and Cody? Oh well, perhaps that trivia will all be clarified at the funeral after his overdose.