oddnoc

What Should Be the New Default Caption for New Yorker Cartoons?

For posterity, I transcribe the Funky Winkerbean overlay that intrudes on today’s Starbuck Jones Cover, in which SJ himself seems to have awoken one day (perhaps after uneasy dreams) to find himself transformed into a drooling chimp:

Holly: This happens to be a key issue that kicks off the Xaxian-Krull war saga!

Funky: Sorry… I must have missed that while I was living in the real world.

Seth MacFarlane & I came up with an improvement for the chimp:

Funky is just being an arse—— to his wife, here. No bones about it. This is the guy who went back in time to admonish his teenage self to hang onto Starbuck Jones #1 for the world-shattering ambition of saving a suburban-Ohio pizza parlor. Not to mention that he was a kid, not in the real world, when this issue was putatively published. He should talk! No! He should shut the f—— up!

Also, a tip of the poison pen to Batominc for crapping all over the guest artist’s work with FW’s inexplicably bitter comment.

Christ! What a Funky Winkerbean!

Update: I couldn’t read the credit in the scan, but TFH has identified the guest artist as Terry Austin.

No One Mourns the Comics

Because today’s strip is about comical books, Mr. Oddnoc has enlisted perennial sophomores Owen and Cody to do the daily commentary. They will provide the puerile perspective and gravitas that Batominc bloviating about comic books warrants.

Note: the part of Holly in panel 2 will inexplicably be portrayed by Olympia Dukakis.

Owen: Mr. Oddnoc, do we have to do this one? It sucks!

Oddnoc: Oh, jeez, you’re right. Take the day off, boys! Go for a hike!

Cody: That’s what Batominc should do—take a hike!

Oddnoc: Haw! For sure. Anyway, here’s what Tubby McHagglesalot should have said:

Alternate-reality Chester the Chiseler: Ahhhhhhhhhhh! You cursed b——tch! Look what you’ve done! It’s decomposing and dropping in value. Ohhhhh, what a world, what a world! Who would have thought that some woman like you could destroy my beautiful comic book?

Owen: Good one, Mr. O! See ya!

Excuse Me While I—Snip—This Out!

Enter Owen & Cody, sophomores. Neither wears any sort of headgear, hat, or chullo of any kind.

Owen: Mr. Oddnoc, come on! You’ve got to do some of the work. Put the scotch down for a sec!

Enter Oddnoc, a snarker. He sips pensively from a Glencairn glass, then sets it gently upon the table.

Oddnoc: OK, Owen. Let’s see. Hmm… Holly seems to have forgotten—

Owen: Cory’s gonna be pissed!

Oddnoc (arch): Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours? Who am I? Who am I?

Owen: Haw! Les Moore! Anyway, I know what you were gonna say. She forgot she brought her own damn scissors.

Cody: Why slice it open now?

Owen: It don’t make no sense.

Oddnoc: It’s inexplicable, boys. Downright inexplicable.

All three drop their mics.

Exeunt.

Spongiform Desires

Cody: OMG, dude, I drew a better splash page when I was in first grade.

Owen: Totally! This Chester guy is pretty fat, even for an old guy.

Cody: Yeah, he must be, like, 30.

Owen: He’s got, like, double chins everywhere. Like, even on the back of his head.

Cody: Holy s——t, dude! Who’s that freaky kid? Why does his head come out of a sheet?

Owen: I think it’s supposed to be Chester. Look at all the chins!

I Like My Comics Like I Like My Steaks

Cody: Doesn’t John have a bunch of Starbuck Jones books?

Owen: Yeah, he says they’re not worth much, but there’s a guy up in Stately Manor, Ohio, who overpays for ’em.

Cody: Mr. Oddnoc says we’re in this comic strip. Thats f——ed up!

Owen: Dude, dude, who talks like that: “which makes the issues ultra-rare and difficult to find”?

Cody: Mister—ha ha!—Mister—snort!—I—I—can’t—hahaha…

Owen: Hee hee! M—M—M—Moooooooooooooore!

Oddnoc (aside): The kids are alright.