Son of Stuck Funky – Page 747 – Son of Stuck Funky

The Book of the Damned

I couldn’t resist. Besides–wouldn’t this actually be a much more interesting development? Les learns something from Starbuck Jones, it ties in with the whole “Starbuck Jones” concept, and we can cut to another cover–this time showing Starbuck’s ladyfriend, Lisandra! You can’t tell me Tom Baituk isn’t reading this right now and kicking himself. Just kicking himself, over and over and over again. You can say, “That’s not happening” but I’m enjoying the mental picture too much to listen to you right now.

It Is By Will Alone I Set My Mind In Motion

Today’s Strip.

Les, you horse’s ass. You’ve never had any problem visualizing Lisa’s thoughts before–why not grab a thermos, a legal pad, and head on out to the park bench? Lisa can dictate the entire damned script to you. Problem solved. Cayla can do the rest of the yard work. I mean, Cayla has to be good for something, right?

Now, let’s leave aside the fact that you were LIVING with Lisa all through this time, because if we bring that up, it might just indicate how much of a self-obsessed jerk-clod you are. It might explain why you can’t (or don’t care to) remember when Lisa confided in you about what she was going through. You know–the kind of thoughts you’re having so much trouble with right now.

Of course, none of her thoughts and fears back then had anything to do with you, Les, and to be honest it kind of moved the spotlight a little too much away from where it should have been. After all, what about your needs!

But that’s not really the point I was trying to make, Les. You are supposed to be writing a movie. Movies have things happen, and scenes where people speak. They’re a visual medium. They are not endless interior monologues, unless they were made in France back in the late 1950’s. You are adapting a book about a woman who died of cancer. If there was an audience who wanted to see such a film, they’d want to see how she copes with her illness, how her friends react, how her life changes, perhaps how her priorities shift and how she now sees the remainder of her life in a different light.

The Japanese film Ikiru is a fine example of such a film.

The idea that Lisa’s thoughts should be part of this script is really just begging for a nice case of Writer’s Block excuse (“How can I possibly write her thoughts for Hollywood,” Les preened). Her thoughts would naturally be expressed, visually and through dialogue, in how she interacts with her friends, her family, her doctors and so on. It’s all about relationships and how cancer would impact them. All things that could be shown on screen without too much difficulty. It’s called writing.

As for you, Tom Batiuk, you really don’t know how to write, do you?

Actually, I secretly think Tom Batiuk regrets the whole “serious issues” path he’s taken, and wishes he were doing gag-a-day again. It would explain why the strip is so half-hearted and bland. Well, heck, here’s an easy out for you: teenage Les awakens in study hall. “Whew!” he says. “It was all a dream!” Then Bull punches him. There you go, that’s funnier than all of 2013’s Funky strips…which admittedly isn’t saying much.

Dead Scripts Tell No Tales

Today’s strip

I’m not sure if Tom Batiuk is being subtle or it’s just random, but it does look as if two people are bearing away a casket to be buried, doesn’t it?

Writing can be a difficult process, but I don’t see how Les is having problems here. As has been pointed out many times already, Les has already lived the story. He wrote the book. It’s not like he has to think up an ending. All he has to do is break it down into a script format. But–I don’t think he wants to anymore. I think he’s looking for an excuse, any excuse to say “Sorry, I tried, but I just can’t do what Hollywood wants.” This, you’ll remember, for a first draft overdue by several months, naturally.

See, I believe that he’s been re-reading the book, and he’s discovered something. He’s now thinking, My God, this book is terrible. What a really poorly written book. What leaden prose, what an insufferable narrator. This would make a truly dreadful movie. And he imagines his name on television, exposing his lack of talent to a much vaster audience than the book ever had. Lord, what have I gotten myself into? I’ll never be able to show my face again. I can’t believe anything this bad was ever published.

Us neither, Les. Us neither.

A Lot Les

Today’s strip

BChasm here once again, despite what the byline reads. Monday’s strip was not available beforehand, but I guessed that we’d continue with Holly’s attempt to amass a complete collection of Starbuck Jones comics to send to Cory. And I guessed wrong!

Tom Batiuk goes back to the only character he truly loves. I was thinking that if there are seven Starbuck Jones covers, that means seven weeks of Holly looking for comics. I could not imagine a Funky Winkerbean arc lasting that long; I fear my eyeballs would shrivel in their sockets by week four.

I think that perhaps Tom Batiuk thought the same thing. Or at least, he thought he couldn’t do without Les for that long. Anyway, today we have Les, the World’s Greatest Writer, whining about how hard writing is. I’m hoping he’s building a gallows so he can hang himself. Hey, can’t hurt to hope, right?

Sunday In The Park With Joe

Today’s strip

I’ve always been a fan of Joe Staton. He currently draws the “Dick Tracy” newspaper strip, and drew a comic book I used to read back in the day, E-Man. I actually first encountered his work in–believe it or not–the old Amazing Stories science fiction magazine. His style tends to be loose and casual, but he always knew exactly where the focus should be in the image, and he has a great sense of dynamics.

I mention all this only because his work is the only interesting thing in today’s offering. The corner bit from Tom Batiuk is basically the pimple on a model’s face. Although Mr. Staton doesn’t seem to’ve put a great deal of effort into this…I’m not sure if the robot he’s cradling was a friend or foe. His arm wrapped around Starbuck says “poor fallen friend” but his feet seem to be pointed toward “fiendish foe, who nearly had me.”

Although, I do think I’ve figured out why Tom Batiuk’s dialogue is so horrible. I think he believes that his readership consists solely of people who have never read Funky Winkerbean before, and who have no intention of reading it the next day.

Tom Batiuk also thinks that this thing called “continuity” or “consistency” is a sucker’s game. Remember last week, how issue seven was the only thing lacking in Cory’s care package? Well, now Holly is “collecting” more. (I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to collect a single issue of something and figure your task is “completed” unless you’ve set your goals pretty low.) You knew the pain wasn’t going to be just one week long, didn’t you? If I recall correctly, there were to be seven Starbuck Jones comic covers presented to us over the course of this arc.

And if each of those covers gets its own Sunday page, well, you can do the math I’m sure. At least we’ll see some artists whose work should be far, far better than the usual Sunday strips.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this is the start of a globe-hopping adventure, a la Indiana Jones, as Holly travels the far corners of the earth to track down the complete set of Starbuck Jones comics.

…ah, ha ha ha ha ha. I crack myself up sometimes.