comic book cover – Son of Stuck Funky

The Comic Book Cover That Never Came

After the Burnings piddled out, Tom Batiuk spent two full weeks on comic book covers. Pointless, derivative, unimaginative, actionless, talky, over-expositioned, self-indulgent, still-auditioning-for-Marvel-and-DC-at-age-76 comic book covers. It was so bad I struggled to write anything about it. Then on Sunday, I asked myself a question I never thought I would: why’d he stop?

The November 3 Crankshaft strip is perfectly suited to be a comic book cover. It’s already turned sideways. It’s already framed like a comic book cover; there’s empty space at the top where the Atomik Komix livery and price tag would go. There’s more action in this drawing than anything we saw during Pizza Box Monster week. So why isn’t it one?

It could have been a nice little self-callback. It’s hard to remember now, but comic book covers and comic book art in Funky Winkerbean used to be a way of framing the actual story arc. Not-Yet-Dead Lisa would imagine herself as a cancer-fighting superhero. The obstacles in a character’s world would manifest themselves as comic book-style villains, and so on. It had its charms.

Or at least, it had a point. It complemented the narrative instead of replacing the narrative with something that wasn’t narrative. Sometimes it was just in service of a “collecting comic books” story, but that was still in-bounds. It wasn’t just to flesh out Batiuk’s imaginary comic book continuity he never does anything with. Or indulge his fantasy of what he wishes he’d been doing for the last 50 years.

This Crankshaft strip is perfect for that treatment. It’s about urging people to vote, a common theme when an election is imminent. But it could have been so much better, if Batiuk had just leaned into what he’s been forcing onto us for the last two weeks. Put Ed in a America-themed costume. Call him Super-Citizen or something. With the power to change mighty governments in a single vote! Instead of Meckler lamely saying “we’re trying to encourage younger voters”, Ed could have compelled them to join his superhero team! This would have made a garden-variety voting story a little bit fun.

Which is what’s missing from all this. For all the time Tom Batiuk spends in Comic Book Cover Land, it’s just. Not. Fun. Not even to him! The comic book covers aren’t funny. Or interesting. Or skillfully drawn. or passionate. Or frame the story a different way. Or set up anything that gets explored later. Or serve as a entertaining spectacle in themselves. They feel obligatory.

This is like the song “She Keeps Me Up”. It’s an overproduced disco rock song from the humorless band Nickelback, played with complete earnestness. This should be hilarious, but it’s not. And it’s not because the song is bad. It’s fine for what it is. But watch the 70s-style music videos for “Are You Gonna Go My Way” or “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” or “Ooh La La” by Goldfrapp, and you’ll see the problem. Those people are enjoying themselves! They clearly love this type of music, and know how to create it. They have a sense of a humor. They put some thought into merging the disco sound into their usual songwriting.

As much as Tom Batiuk professes to love comic book covers, he draws them like it’s a contractual obligation.

Weekday Comic Book Covers!

Yep, they’re a thing now. How long until Crankshaft is nothing but comic book covers? And how many years will that go on before the strip is cancelled?

Last week was the final full week of October, which means it was the Pizza Box Monster’s time to shine! He showed up on cue and… existed. Pete, Mindy, Darrin, and the PBM talked about decorating and telling ghost stories, but didn’t do either of those things. They also didn’t deal with the power outage, which seems like a serious problem for Montoni’s. Spoiled product cuts into a restaurant’s “thin crust profit margins.” But they sat in the dark and played make-believe like the overgrown nine-year-olds they are. It’s been a year since Pete and Mindy bought the restaurant, and they’ve done nothing but decorate it for holidays (and that’s if you count last week). What was the point of closing Montoni’s or re-opening it?

Then on Sunday, the Burnings story… well, I don’t want to say it “ended”, but I guess it’s done smirking at itself. What is Lillian so pleased about? She did absolutely nothing. Telling people they’re on camera is of no value if you’re not going to do anything with the evidence. Such as, give it to the police so they can identify and arrest the arsonist. The arson footage must exist, because there’s no way someone mounted that camera after the fire but before the protestors, which were implied to happen on the same night. Or, investigate them yourself, something an award-winning mystery writer should know a thing or two about.

Unlike what Tom Batiuk thinks, there’s nothing courageous about reading a book to people you know will never attack you. This is what happens when a story starts with “let my preferred character be the hero of a controversial issue so I can win an award” and then tries to back-form a narrative that leads up to that. The whole story makes zero sense. All the “protestors” had to was report the book to the school board, or maybe just to principal Nate (who was depicted as wanting to obey the school board). All Lillian or Booksmellers had to do was call the police, because nothing about this justifies an arson attack. Again, why is this treated so casually?

At the peak of the stupidity, there were almost 20 people total on Lillian’s lawn, protesting for something that already exists, or counter-protesting for… something, I guess. You sure wouldn’t know what the counter-protestors wanted from their signs. Ban bans! Ban gensor! Words have power! It’s like they were all told to assemble and make signs but weren’t told why. Look at their faces. They all say “I don’t know why I’m here, but I’m really, really angry at you!”

And finally, there’s the small matter of “The Burnings” somehow being a major phenomenon that shut down literacy for two generations. The Village Booksmith “survived the Burnings” by virtue of the fire being too small to cook marshmallows.