Tag: comics

Daddy Issues

Link to today’s strip.

Well, this one is just terrible.  I mean, this is the sort of strip that no one wants to read, because no one would find it funny, endearing, smart, or containing anything worthwhile at all.  It’s not even a solid waste of the two seconds taken to read it; it’s just another needle jabbed into the soul.   It’s the epitome of laziness for this laziest of strips.  It’s depressing…so I guess, touche, Mr. Batiuk.

Oh well, they’re not paying me to stare at this, waiting for something to happen, so here goes.  First, we have a jokey greeting that was a tired cliche back in the nineties, still being perpetuated here in the technical vastness of the future.  Crazy’s Grecian Formula seems to be paying off, as he doesn’t look nearly as ancient and decrepit as he usually does–though to be honest he looks more like Obi-Wan from the prequels than Luke.  (Ah, the Star Wars prequels.  Truly, entertainment suited to the Funkyverse.  If anyone should make a Funky Winkerbean movie, it’ll be George Lucas.)

Secondly, we have the whole crowd, including Holly, smirking and guffawing at this display of hilarity.  Hell, a green-haired woman in the back is so amused her face is shattering.  And a couple on the far right who appear to have dashed to Comic Con directly from their wedding–she hasn’t even taken off her veil–are staring in awe at the spectacle unfolding before them.  “See?  I told you this would be better than some dumb ol’ cruise!”

Finally, we have Comic Book John, offering one of those lines that sitcom and/or greeting-card writers would turn up their noses at.  “Only at Comic Con!” looks like it’s supposed to be a thumbs up to the event, but it comes off as a thumbed nose.

Bleah, I tell you.  Bleah.  I try to avoid criticizing Tom Batiuk personally (try, I said) but this episode is good evidence that he doesn’t care and isn’t interested in trying.

It’s also evidence of dishonesty.  What he has presented here, an episode which wallows in maudlin sentimentality, is exactly the sort of strip that he would sneer at in another comic for being frivolous and avoiding the true issues of the day.  He’d probably say it’s not serious work if these people are having fun, they should be dying of cancer.  (School play, anyone?)

Well, that oughta go a ways toward earning my paycheck.  Hey, wait a minute–they’re not paying me at all!

Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Batmana?

 

Link to today’s strip.

Is…is Orange Batman a thing?  I know I’ve occasionally passed through the toy aisle (on my way to the ammo section) and I’ve seen various colorful toy Batmen (Ski Attack Batman!  Scuba Stealth Batman!) and some of them have been a bit on the loud side, but then those are toys, brightly colored to attract children and provide an excuse (you know, so Mom can’t say, “But Tom, you already have so many Batmen!” “But M0-om, look, he’s or-ange!”).

But I really am curious, is Orange Batman an actual comic book thing?  A character that a Comic Con attendee would dress as–or is this one of the many variants of Robin?  Or Bizarro Batman?  Is he one of the Aquabats?   Or is he a cos-player who exhibits the same attention to detail that some cartoonists do?  The only reason I ask is because nothing else in this strip is interesting.

I mean, I would have thought that Holly’s credit card company would call her about an airline ticket before calling about buying some comic book.  Unless, of course, this loose comic book, stuffed into a box to be rifled through by endless grimy thumbs, somehow has a price in the hundreds of dollars.

How much would it cost if it was slabbed and graded and all that?  A cool million?  Would it be so costly that Bruce Wayne himself couldn’t afford it?

The Buck Stops Her

Link to today’s strip. 

At long last, Starbuck Jones himself appears in the strip, and proves to be just as much a dick as everyone else.  Of course, this behavior was entirely expected.

Also expected: contact with Westviewians turns Monday’s happy, sleepy-eyed merchant into a bitter scowler.  And readers into head-scratchers.

The thing is, you cannot have issue #115 of Starbuck Jones so rare that it is snatched up instantly when it makes a rare appearance, while simultaneously making it nothing special, a comic you throw into a box to be thumbed at.   Which is it?  “These comics have been going like hot cakes.  Notice I said going like hot cakes, not selling like hot cakes.  They were getting all gooey and rancid, so I threw them into this box because I hate hot cakes!”

I know it’s hard for ordinary, non-Pulitzer-nominated people to remember long, long ago, back to Monday’s strip–that’s almost, like, caveman days, right?  But you’ll recall Holly had a list.  On Tuesday she was pawing through a box.  What happened in between?  “Oh, you’ve got a list?  Let me see.  Starbuck Jones #115.  Since the Starbuck Jones comics have been selling like crazy, you might try looking through these bargain-bin comics.  I always keep my rare stuff in there, because I’m a maverick who thinks outside the (long) box.”

A lazy answer is that the Starbuck Jones series has a rabid cult of fans (enough so that some studio has an interest in making a movie), but the general comic-book public never warmed to it.   So the fans look for issues, but no one else does.  Might as well put it in the box, one of those idiots will buy it.  Again, it’s a lazy answer.  And I guess we’re all used to lazy answers here.

But the inconsistency is ridiculous.  For anyone trying to tell a story, this is not the way to do it.  This is the way a five-year-old tells stories.  “But werewolves aren’t affected by crosses!”  “Wait, did I say he was a werewolf?  I meant he was a vampire werewolf!”

Speaking of lazy answers, whatever happened to the Funky Winkerbean blurb at Comic Kingdom, telling us it was a strip that detailed the sensitive problems of contemporary young adults in a detailed manner?  I guess they just figured, “If you have to know what Funky Winkerbean is, well, abandon all hope…”

Pot Luck

Link to today’s strip.

Again, Holly is presented as a person with the keen observational powers of cement.  “Starbuck Jones #115” she said, thumbing through comics, suddenly realizing that the words she had just spoken had a kind of meaning to her!  Amazing.

Back when this whole “collecting comics” arc started, I made the assumption that Tom Batiuk was going to present something that would be meaningful and enjoyable to the folks in his audience who liked collecting comics.  But time after time, I have to wonder if he’s insulting them instead.  We were told this issue was the rarest of the rare, but twice now it’s been easily found among loose boxes of “ordinary” comics.  This one doesn’t even look like it’s in a plastic bag or anything.  So, much as I went on at some length about how Les’ Hollywood experiences were nothing at all like how the real world works, comic book fans must have the urge to do the same right about now.

It’s hard to think of anything in this strip where someone would say, “Wow, that’s so true!”

Other than, “The Funky Winkerbean cast is composed of unpleasant morons,” that is.

By the way, I think I’ve solved the Starbuck Jones #1 paradox.  When it was originally published it was nothing special, and teen Funky bought it.  Then fifty years later, it became really valuable in time for…for whatever happened to save Comic Head John or Montoni’s or whatever.  I don’t know the story.

But then, a couple of years after that happened, an entire medical supply warehouse full of unopened boxes of Starbuck Jones #1 was found in Louisville, Kentucky, and the issue became pretty much worthless.  (They found the boxes right next to the 245-Trioxin canisters.)

I think I put more thought into that than some people I could name.

To Each According to Her Needs

Link to today’s strip.

Hi folks, BChasm back for another round in the Fungeon.  Let me start by saying that I like this guy’s booth — “Buying Comics” with a dollar sign on the right and presumably on the left.  No beating around the bush for this guy!  If you’re into buying comics, well, he’s your man.

Of course, except for eBay and the one she got for a dollar, Holly’s not into buying comics at all.  So even if this guy has what she wants, she’ll either expect the issue for free because her son is in the service, or (as seems most likely given this universe) bemoan the unfairness of it all.  Paying money for comic books?  Why, the very idea!

The main takeaway from today’s strip, or any that feature Holly for that matter, is how relentlessly Tom Batiuk needs to display her…well, for lack of a better phrase, bottomless stupidity.  We’re been told over and over that her purpose in attending Comic Con is to get one specific issue of one specific comic.  How hard could it be to remember “Starbuck Jones 115”?  I can remember it, and I haven’t even gone back to yesterday’s comic to look!

And yet…Holly has a list.  A list, you’ll note, with four entries.

I suspect that list reads like this:

STAR

BUCK

JONES

#115

Yeah, I get the idea that she has a list so that Tom Batiuk can display some “clever” word-play.  It seems to me that if, in order to seem clever, you have to make your characters dumber than rocks, something is wrong with the equation.

Bonus fun:  place your thumb so that Holly’s hair is covered.  Oh my God, that’s Funky Winkerbean’s profile!