Montoni's – Page 49 – Son of Stuck Funky

You Know You Know

Boy, that first panel–yeah, Funky, Les needs more encouragement that he’s the greatest genius of our age…you know? Wait, did I say “genius?” Of course I meant “ass.”

Speaking of which: who’s the blonde in panel two? It’s not Rachel, since she (usually) has red hair and hers is less than shoulder length. Do we have a new character?

Probably not. Pretty much all the new characters introduced in this thing disappear right after they’re introduced. Aside from Chullo and Glasses, all the high school kids were shed last graduation day, and have barely been seen since. Tom Batiuk doesn’t seem to like new characters; they serve a plot point, then disappear. Take Blonde Waitress, here. Her plot point is to show that, just below her elbow, there’s another customer at Montoni’s, so take that, all you beady-eyed nitpickers!

Well, Tom, I don’t like any of your old characters, and even if I did, you seem hell-bent on making them unlikeable. Take Crazy Harry for example. I liked him because he seemed to have a positive attitude toward things he cared about (admittedly, Tarzan comics, but still). There was a strip about a year or so of the young Crazy surrounded by Tarzan books which was genuinely good, and really reflected a “sense of wonder” that stories can embody. So I thought Harry was kind of cool…well, Tom Batiuk can’t have that. So Harry was made just as obnoxious as everyone else. If any character is to be liked, by gum, it’ll be Les Moore or it’ll be nobody…which it is. Eventually the whole town will be populated by Les-clones, probably hatched from pods in Cayla’s garden. Lestables.

When I started my sidekick stint here, I was hoping to get a Les arc–the guy’s so damned punchable and pathetic, I figured the jokes would just fly from my fingertips. I should have known better, though–Tom Batiuk has become very protective of Les, and the arcs in which he plays a central role have been carefully set up so as to deny most of the potential for sarcasm. The story this week has been, basically, Funky tells Les that he, Les, is a genius. Les agrees. Cayla sits in admiration of Les. The reader vomits.

Of course, I think Tom Batiuk has become pretty protective of almost all of his characters. I’m trying to think of the last time that any of them made a simple mistake. The only example I can think of was last year, when Funky accidentally left a CD in his leased car when he returned it. Notwithstanding Chullo and Glasses, who are the only characters played for laughs (and I’m being charitable), can anyone think of mistakes made by the main cast?

I have to admit, I can’t get over Funky’s line in panel one (I would have used a different finger, though). “Wow, you are such a brilliant, talented, handsome man, Les…you know? Well? Well…did you know that? If you didn‘t know that, can I get credit for telling you? Please don’t wish me into the cornfield, Les.”

Rough Bark Roof

Link to today’s strip

Yeah, I can imagine Les Moore, super-athlete, dragging a typewriter, desk and chair up to Montoni’s roof. Then, of course, I can easily imagine him hanging off the roof to run a long extension cord through a window to power the typewriter. Then I imagine him pouring a cool lemonade, cracking his knuckles, poising his fingers over the keys, and being carried off by a Space Pterodactyl. I made up the last part myself, and I hope I’ll be forgiven if I say it’s my favorite bit.

Do we really, truly need any more of Tom Batiuk writing love letters to himself? Hasn’t it already been established that he thinks Les Moore is the greatest character in the history of literature? You might say, “He has to help new readers understand this” but can you actually imagine a new reader who says “Hang on, this Les guy is pretty cool! I think this is my favorite comic strip”? I can’t, myself, but I think I’ve just thought of a great way to get out of jury duty!

Lastly, and most germane to today’s strip…groan. Double secret groan. Are there any puns in the world worse than those of Les Moore? Yet look at those two chuckleheads, guffawing as if they’re listening to George Carlin or David Cross or even that dumb cousin of yours who tells those stupid knock-knock jokes. Or maybe they’re laughing at a knife-wielding serial killer coming up behind Les, in which case this is the greatest Funky Winkerbean ever.

Heming-No-way

Tape to any punching bag.Reprint as needed. Link to today’s strip

Well, looks like we’ve abandoned the idea of “punchlines” after just a couple of tries, and we’re back to what Les does better than anyone: drink in unearned praise and be a smug ass in response. Today’s strip is just Moore proof, if any were needed, that this is Tom Batiuk’s fantasy Comic Con panel. Look, if you dare, upon that mug in the last panel. He’s looking right at you, dear reader, and issuing an invitation for you to praise him. While he waits, I’m sure you can think of another, more appropriate word that also begins with “p” that you’d like to bestow upon him.

We also learn that Les Moore, literature teacher, has actually read two works of literature: Moby Dick (referred to many times) and “The Snows of Kilimanjaro” (also referred to during last year’s Kilimanjaro arc). I’m sure his students get a blistering education by studying those two works, over and over and over again. And it means Les never has to update his syllabus. Win-win, amirite?

Personally, when I think of Les Moore comparing himself to Ernest (or for that matter, Mariel) Hemingway, I’m reminded of Woody Allen’s “The Lost Generation” — “Hemingway punched me in the mouth.” I think watching anyone punch Les in the mouth would be a treat, even if it was Woody (or for that matter, Irwin) Allen so you knew it wouldn’t hurt much.

I’m sure hoping that next week will find as at a different location. The decor of Montoni’s is damn ugly. The bricks are okay, as is the tiled sidewalk, but the canopy and tablecloth are as tasteless as the pizza. The place should be called Pizza Clown, or Kindergarten Pizzeria, or Paint-Store Explosion Pizza – “If you can eat here, you must be color blind!” What’s inexplicable is how lovingly it’s rendered here. If this strip was black-and-white, it wouldn’t hurt my eyes as much as it does now.

Failure is the Only Option

Link to today’s strip

Ah, there’s the Tom Batiuk that I know of old–a completely nonsensical final crack in panel three. I know the saying, (Be nice to the people you meet on your way to the top, for you’ll meet them again when you fall from grace), but Funky’s use of it here makes no sense to me. Just like “continu[ing] to take” a “permanent break” makes no sense.

I mean, is Funky insulted that Les has to quit his part-time pizza job? “Oh, so now that you’re a writer, you can’t do man’s work like shoveling pizza at people. Well, good luck, wuss. Just remember that when you’re a broken, dying failure desperately in need of a job here–because I sure will.”

I guess Funky is simply emphasizing the worldview in Westview, that you’ll never achieve success and happiness in the outside world, but die lonely and in pain, even if you’re Les Moore. In which case, why didn’t he just say that and spare us all this befuddlement?

Also, fellow snarkers, I’m sure you’ve figured out the whole point of this arc…let’s see, Les sits at a table, while people talk about his abilities and achievements and his total awesomeness and he talks about how hard he works. Yes, folks, it’s how Tom Batiuk thought his Comic Con 2013 experience should play out. And they say there’s no room for fantasy in today’s world!

Forever Lunch

Link to today’s strip

And Tom Batiuk continues to attempt punchlines, with a little less success this time around. And Funky, it’s a teleplay, not a movie script. A minor but annoying distinction.

In panel one, we get yet another example of dialogue that a human would never utter. And maybe I’m mis-remembering, but I thought Les finished his teleplay? Or did he give himself a little “home run” just for writing a scene? Does he do that often? “Yay, Les! You’ve gotten out of bed, give yourself a hand! Way to eat that breakfast, Les Moore! You’re a champ!”

I know what you’re thinking–it’s another superpower–you’re thinking, “Well, that was only the first draft of the script. Naturally it has to be polished and re-written.” Oh, so now you want me to believe that everything that flows from Les’ pen is less than the golden oratory of the gods? Ha, got you on that one!

Finally, I’m not sure I get Cayla’s “joke.” Is she saying that Les is only around at lunchtime? Isn’t that the opposite of what Funky just asked?

Or does it mean she plans to murder Les and then devour his remains? Because I think I’d like to see that plot arc, myself.

Maybe the real Les was replaced by kind of Les-like vegetable that grows in Cayla’s garden, and she’s stewed or baked him into dozens of meals. And of course a new Les just grows in the garden the next day, like a kind of weed or fungus that just can’t be rooted out.