The P(ure) BS Model

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Add PBS to the list of things in Ban Tom’s shaky and off-kilter gun sights. What, did they do a “Comic Strip Writers Who HAVE Won Pulitzers” roundtable discussion recently or something? Anyway, they’re actually not very similar at all, as PBS provides hours and hours of entertainment while Buddyblog consists of a few assholes sitting on the floor and a wildly smirking weirdo chuckling to himself like a moron after every idiotic self-deprecating comment about what a joke his business is. Send Spencer to Westview and the integration would be seamless, I’ll tell you what. It really is uncanny, he could walk into Montoni’s right now and hold his own with any of them.

TheAuthor’s personal grudges aside, it’s same old-same old today as he bludgeons the premise into the ground once more. These Internet start-up punks are a bunch of dopey jerks with no “business model” other than mooching and yadda yadda yadda what choice does Cindy have anyway because she’s old and faded and etc. The only real question is how long will it take for this to play out? Does he wrap it up by Sunday or does it carry over for another (ugh) week?

 

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It’s All In The Deets

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Talk about unrealistic. In “real life” someone who actually said “skinny on the deets” would no doubt be lying unconscious and face-down in a quickly-expanding pool of their own blood within seconds. This Spencer (if that’s even his real name) clown is really pushing his luck, I’ll tell you what.

So BB intends to pay their new news anchor via a Kickstarter campaign, do they? Well har-dee-har-har, how very Web 2.0 of them, eh? Again we see TomBan struggling with his concept of how The Internet actually works, as what little he knows about it comes tumbling out of his confused brain like a big blob of mashed-up gunk that splatters all over the page in a confusing mish-mosh of interchangeable babbling that doesn’t actually mean anything. Around here we call those “weekdays”, by the way.

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“Vague” Is Just Another Word For Something Or Other

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Well, Cindy, you’re interviewing for the news anchor job and you’re a professional news anchor thus I would assume that your “role” will be that of a f*cking NEWS ANCHOR, you blithering idiot. Perhaps her career woes have less to do with her face and more to do with her total and complete lack of preparedness.

“Vague”, huh? You mean like the ever-cryptic FW timeline? Or like the way the epic Starbuck Jones arc just mysteriously ended off-screen with no explanation whatsoever? Or the way everyone just stopped talking about Summer all at once? Or how Darin supports a family on his pizza app salary? Or when Les has conversations with an imaginary cat? Yeah, vagueness really blows all right. I suppose the joke is that “internet business models” are always a bunch of ambiguous nebulous bullshit and that “internet entrepreneurs” always speak in meaningless circles which, even if it’s true, isn’t a particularly original observation. Of course this little vision of what an “internet start-up model” is like is ripped straight from something he saw on TV, but hey, it is topical in a vague sort of way so it all comes full circle in a vague sort of way…vaguely, that is.

I don’t know what the deal is with this “Michael Spencer” character (if that is his real name), but I do know I’ve seen people get punched in the face over WAY less than that astoundingly obnoxious face he’s making in panel two. He looks like a graduate of the Les Moore Eyebrow-Cocking Academy, it’s unbelievable. And isn’t it remarkable how Cindy’s “deadpan” face is almost exactly the same as her “duh?” face? Why, sometimes I can’t even tell if she’s being sarcastic or not (short answer: always).

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Anchor Aweigh!

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Well, now we know what Tom Ban’s vision of an internet entrepreneur looks like…a young moronically grinning dimwit with a weird ass-hand, to be exact. I like how Buddyblog tried to steal Facebook’s font, too. But the best part of all is that totally unnecessary first panel where Funky helpfully recaps the events of last week for those of us who were unable to keep up with the numerous twists and turns in this little story. I also like how his current wife grins like an imbecile as her husband obsesses over his ex-wife’s whereabouts from minute-to-minute (even checking his watch for emphasis). Very quarter-inch from reality right there. Or perhaps she’s just amused by Cindy’s desperate plight, which is definitely way more believable. Given how these idiots are always smirking all the time, you just can’t tell.

Looks like another week’s worth of awful gags about how useless and stupid The Internet is…sigh. Expect a lot of jabbering about “business models” (especially hilarious coming from a guy whose website doesn’t feature so much as a key chain for sale), “internuts” and jokes about how everything on The Internet is just a bunch of worthless crap. Also known as “March 2015- Bantom’s Revenge”.

I do know that this Michael Spencer guy is as punchable as any random character in recent FW memory, that’s for certain. I’m amazed he can use a computer at all with that tiny thumb and that ass-hand of his. It’s one of those weird FW characters who must be based on someone, as he’s just too specific looking to be randomly generated. I have a sneaking feeling that I’ll totally despise him by week’s end, if not much sooner. In fact, I think I do already.

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No Fidelity

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Har har har, I get it. Add “music hipsters” to the list of modern-day whackadoodles. Or maybe it’s a fond homage to those annoying plastic converter things you used to need to play 45 RPM records. Who knows and frankly, who cares? All things considered, this isn’t the worst FW gag I’ve ever seen but DAMN is that gigantic single panel jarring, it’s just huge.

Note the park bench, as it isn’t just any old park bench…it’s a very special park bench. I like how the seasons change in Westview, just instantaneously all at once. That would be so cool in real life, you know?

One final beady-eyed nitpicky point: the floating music notes should be coming from the headphones, shouldn’t they?

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Someone Told Me Mason Jarr’s Out There

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So Cindy’s goin’ to California, with love in her eyes and (presumably) a f*ck-ton of peroxide in her hair. “Safe travels”…I don’t know about you but that’s sounds like Westviewian for “uh-oh”. But seriously though, you know what’s particularly irksome about this one? It’s the way Cindy’s dialog and actions seem to indicate that they’ve just had a fruitful and useful conversation when in fact it was anything but. Funky laughed at her, then he mocked the internet, then he sat there, then he wished her well. Either Cindy is REALLY mentally troubled or someone’s a REALLY terrible storyteller.

Coming next spring: After being booted off Buddyblog upon becoming impossible to look at, Cindy moves into radio, only to be told that her voice is simply too raspy and unappealing for FM broadcasts. After a brief stint on the AM dial (doing weather and traffic on the Radio Ron morning show), she takes a podcast gig only to be relentlessly mocked by the locals for getting herself involved with that whole The Internet scam. Then she goes home and quietly waits to die.

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BuddySlog

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Cue the sad trombone sound because it’s still raining and Cindy’s still getting fired for being so old and washed-up. Yep, again! It’s why she’s considering the Buddyblog offer, in fact. Well, that and the “low res”, of course. It’s a little disconcerting how Tom Ban appears to be playing this woman’s total mental and emotional destruction for laughs but then again she did kind of have it coming after being so beautiful and successful for all those years. Although it is encouraging to see that she’s stayed right on top of news media transformations, though. Because who the hell saw that coming, right?

The “bo peep” thing is one of those bizarre FW punchlines that’s only funny because it’s so ludicrously bad. I mean I know he’s aiming for a sort of “Jerry & Elaine”-style banter here but nope, big swing and a miss. “X-man”, “bo peep”, if Cindy appeared more often I think she’d skyrocket up the “most annoying characters” list, you know?

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