Make ‘Em Walk The Plank

Link To Today’s Strip

It’s all so clear to me now. This “Michael Spencer” guy is actually an international spy whose mission is to destroy The Internet from within. He needs Cindy to attract hits to his website but to get her on board he had to reach out to his old pal Mason Jarr and call in a favor. “Anchors aweigh” is the big clue here, as “Michael Spencer” obviously picked up that bit of nautical terminology while he was stowing away aboard some big cargo ship bound for Culver City. It’s a dead giveaway. He’s trying to tell us something…I mean it COULDN’T just be some typically awful Batominc wordplay again…or could it??

Anyhow, it really should be “anchor” as I don’t see any other ones in the frame, do you? Cindy’s weird descent into insane idiocy continues as she accepts BB’s pathetic “offer” after receiving a dinner invite text from our old pal Mason. It took me a second to figure out how and why those two things could be related, as Cindy could obviously still have met Mason for dinner without stupidly accepting BB’s crappy deal. But I think the idea here is that by staying in California she’ll be closer to Mason, which is all the impetus she needs to throw what’s left of her career and her dignity into the gutter. I just can’t believe he wrote this without realizing how pathetic it makes her look, but then again yeah, sure I can. Cindy: the strong modern businesswoman who’s seen it all and who makes rash career decisions based on texts from boys she likes. 1/4 inch my ass.

I guess MS is one of those people who only looks fat when he sits, right? I mean yesterday the guy was a bloated doughy blob and today he’s zipping around sipping his trendy glacier hipster vita-water, completely jowl-free. Whatever is in that water bottle, start selling it in Westview fast before the FDA gets wind of it. Man, if I ever see this Spencer guy again it’ll be too soon. Except I might not recognize him at first, depending on whether he’s sitting or not. But let’s hope it never comes to that.

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14 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

14 responses to “Make ‘Em Walk The Plank

  1. SpacemanSpiff85

    Given how retrograde and idiotic this story has gotten, I would not be surprised in the least if Cindy was actually overjoyed because Mason was texting her to have her cook dinner for him.

  2. Gyre

    I am being dead serious here when I say that, after seeing the strip, my first words were ‘what’. Day after day making it clear that this was a horrible idea that was going to fall apart, and she not only stuck around but she accepted the job offer? Based on getting a date with a man she knew for a few hours?

    Now I can understand that there are reasons why Batiuk would have this romance thing going on here. I think it really wasn’t started well, but I can understand that it gives story opportunities and a sense of wish fulfillment for readers that they can have a romance with a movie star. Just like bodice rippers really. But this kickstarter thing? How does Cindy making a horrible decision that she should know is a horrible decision contributing to the story?

  3. SpacemanSpiff85

    @Gyre:
    The thing is, knowing Batiuk, it’s not going to end happily. She’s probably going to get pregnant, he’s going to leave her, and she’s going to have come back and wait tables at Montoni’s.

  4. Epicus Doomus

    “Hi Cindy, thanks for joining me for dinner. Listen, before we order I want to clear the air with you. Although I’m flattered, I just don’t see us working out as a couple, what with the age difference and your terrifying insanity at all. Hope we can still be friends, though. By the way, whatever happened with that hilarious internet job offer you were telling me about? Boy, did THAT ever sound shady! Only a real moron would take THAT crappy job, right?”

  5. JerrytheMacGuy

    Wow. Such contempt for one of your own characters – and it is not even Les Moore.

    If I were T. Batiuk, what with his predilection for punny names for things and people, I would have renamed Cindy Winkerbean, “Ms. Ogyny”.

  6. Wow. I mean, BC has actually named its primary female characters “Fat Broad” and “Cute Chick,” and yet Batiuk still manages to make it look like the freaking Handmaid’s Tale by comparison.

  7. Rusty

    Wasn’t Mason shown living in an apartment and auditioning for Les’s Hallmark Movie of the Week? This isn’t exactly George Clooney she’s chasing around.

  8. Epicus Doomus

    It not only undermines the Cindy character while making her look like a total idiot, it undermines the last two weeks of the story while making it look totally pointless. If you just stumbled upon this story today and know nothing else about it, you’re already totally up to speed. Cindy got an underwhelming job offer, Mason texted her, she took the deal. See, he CAN move a story along if he really wants to, but apparently he rarely feels like it.

  9. Hmmmph. Great. She accepts a bad job offer in order to date someone she shouldn’t.

    This all reminds me of “Adventure Bill” from the black-and-white segments of the Red Green Show. He started out as a man called “Bill from Bala”: a clueless chatterbox who wouldn’t shut up about a town filled with boring people who did dull, boring things that no one could possibly care about. Batiuk is a real-life Bill From Bala.

  10. @Epicus Doomus: It gets worse. This dragging out an obvious conclusion has the sinister effect of making us even less able to care about her than we would if he’d sped things up. At normal speed, she’d be a child’s copy of JJ Caucus. Here, she’s just some boring git doing something no one can care about.

  11. sgtsaunders
    November 20, 2014 at 8:49 am
    That’s anchors aweigh, numb nuts. I swear, sometimes Battic just makes me sick in my pants.

    I guess TB got the message at last!

     
  12. Saturnino

    “Now I can understand that there are reasons why Batiuk would have this romance thing going on here. ”

    Makes it easier since he now has a parallel story running on CS.

    All MJ has to say to Cindy is “This is not a date.”

  13. Rusty

    You can teach an old dog new tricks.

  14. Saturnino

    “Cindy was actually overjoyed because Mason was texting her to have her cook dinner for him”

    Cindy: “What are we having for dinner?”

    MJ: “Coney Island Whitefish.”