Oh No, These Tapes Have Got To Go

Link To Today’s Strip

“Funky Winkerbean”: the comic strip where opening mail and drawers is considered “action”. Tomorrow’s strip will no doubt feature the DVD tray slowly sliding closed, then a close-up of Cayla’s finger reaching for the “play” button, followed by that annoying FBI warning screen. I’m assuming that by “non-believers”, Summer is referring to the Lisa cult, a cult Cayla will be indoctrinated into very shortly no doubt, thanks to these f*cking DVDs that just refuse to go away. What a pile of shamelessly awful tripe. This is Batiuksturbation of the highest magnitude, just off the charts, the work of a very sick man with a very limited imagination. He resorts to his infamous “silent panels” in a sad attempt to give this contrived trash a sense of “importance” but all he succeeds in doing is making himself and his strip look even dumber. Which is quite a feat when you stop to think about it.

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21 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

21 responses to “Oh No, These Tapes Have Got To Go

  1. SpacemanSpiff85

    I actually kind of want to be glad that Batiuk is actually having Summer in this strip again, but she’s essentially nothing more than a Lisa Delivery Vehicle, so it’s hard to be happy about that.
    I do love how this strip makes it seem like Cayla’s getting ready to watch some particularly shameful porn, now that she has the house to herself. If only.

  2. “Well, Cayla, I’m Lisa’s daughter, and Les was Lisa’s husband, so naturally we share a bond that you can never be a part of. We do the Lisa run together every year, while you sell t-shirts (and worry that there’s not enough Lisa). We went to Mount Kilimanjaro together, and Les put a picture of Lisa on its peak. I’m sure Les told you about that…and yet you went ahead with the marriage anyway, knowing you would always be number six (Prisoner reference) on Les’ list of priorities. So, Les and I are off to have fun at the movies, while pointedly excluding you, because watching silly Japanese monster movies is something no one other than a literary giant like Les can do. It’s not like Les invited you to a Woody Allen fest, or anything like that where the two of you might share a common interest. No, we’ll go off and leave you with an assignment–reflect on all the ways you’re not Lisa. You might want to start making some tapes on this subject, because I’m sure Les and I will want to watch them...once, so you’ll feel better about yourself. After that, we’ll watch Lisa videos over and over and over again. Ha ha ha, Cayla–you got no award nominations at all! You’re a mistake, a monster, an attempt at awards gone awry. Are you a number, or are you a person? [Prisoner opening credits laugh, followed by footage of Rover enveloping Cayla]”

    Well, Cayla?

  3. Batty Winkerbean

    “Have fun while we’re gone, but whatever you do, DON’T watch the For The Other Woman DVD. You just leave that in the drawer, don’t even think about taking it out and putting it in the DVD player. There’s absolutely no reason for you to look at that, I’m sure it’s boring anyway.”

    Such an obvious trap. And I guess Les is in on it, too, given today’s totally unnecessary dick smirk. Once Cayla watches that disc and drinks the final sip of Kool-Aid, she’ll finally be the replacement wife Les has been yearning for all these years. Heil, Lisa.

  4. F*cking remarkable. This is a new level of mental impairedness by Tom Batiuk, and his bar was set pretty low to begin with.

  5. billytheskink

    So Les and Summer are off to watch 10^(10^100) Godzilla movies… No wonder Cayla is so happy in panel 1, she’s about to have a lot of time free of these two shmucks. It doesn’t look like she’s going to use it wisely, though.

  6. Epicus Doomus

    Hope someone got my Blue Oyster Cult reference in the post title. For you younger snarkers out there, they were (are?) a “rock band”. And I used the word “cult” in the post too. So it all ties together.

  7. Today we see someone about to watch a bad disaster movie. Also, Les and Summer are going to a Godzilla film festival.

  8. Jon I Am

    I’ll bet the video will say something along the lines of “To whomever marries Les after I’m gone: please treat my special snowflake husband well. He should not be yoked with unbelievers, so believe in me, and I will give you what will seem like an eternal life of servitude in Westview”

  9. Rembrandt36

    “Bastards!” Said the old man in the bar. He needed a drink – badly. “I’ll have a vodka and orange.”
    “Coming right up.” said the bartender, “We just remodeled in bricks, leaves, and Scotch tape. You like it?”
    “Love it.” the old Ohio artist growled. “Got any pizza?”
    “Nope” stated the bartender, “Say, why are you so angry?”
    “Well,” slurred the Ohio man, gulping down the drink without stirring it, “I do a comic strip – see? Funny gag a day stuff for years. Then I decided to get all important and do subjects like teen pregnancy, alcoholism, cancer, etc. Thought it would land me in the big time. Big time! But did I get a Pulitzer? Nooooo.”
    “Gee that’s too bad.” the bartender smirked.
    “So I decide to go for broke. I have my favorite, most cherished character marry an AfroAmerican. You know, really shake things up! Get me that award! It didn’t happen. Now I’m stuck with this character I can’t get rid of.”
    “How sad.” said the bartender, “What will you do?”
    “I’m going to give the ungrateful public 24/7 access to my favorite punching bag – I mean character. Her name is Lisa. She died of cancer. I will write about her until I retire.”
    “I don’t know – that sounds dangerously stupid.” warned the bartender, “I think the guy that does Funky Winkerbean did something like that and bombed.”

    “Why you-!” growled the Ohio man.

  10. Guest Page Turner Author

    Uggh

    I knew this would happen, we would be watching someone slowly putting a DVD into a DVD player. Much like people did back in 1999.

  11. This is stupid. We’re wasting a wake being asked to gape in reverential awe because someone is going to watch a DVD of Saint Dead Lisa giving someone stupid advice that can’t possibly connect to what’s actually happening. Odds are that Lisa was actually arrogant enough to think that Les HAD to wait a decade longer to remarry so as to avoid the possiblity of Summer having siblings so we’re dealing with her assuming that THE OTHER WOMAN is also sixty-five.

  12. ComicTrek

    Take heed to Summer’s words, folks! Not because of Godzilla, but to show you that this is how you end up talking when the King of Westview is your dad.

  13. The “tape,” as everyone naturally calls these discs, will no doubt consist of two hours of Lisa obsessively reciting a paraphrase of Harlan Ellison:

    “HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I’VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR the other woman AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.”

  14. Can you imagine Les’ reaction when he comes home and finds out Cayla watched the disk without him?

    “But, but, but, it’s Lisa!” Les whined. “I wanted to watch it with you. Mainly so I could hear her telling how awesome I am. No, no, don’t put it back in the player, it’s all spoiled now. Well, okay, put it in the player…real slow, like.”

  15. bigd1992

    “Dear other woman, in case Les hasn’t told you, Frankie gave me herpes which I gave to Les. You mean he DIDN’T tell you? Well, we all know he’s spineless right?”

  16. ComicBookHarriet

    Summer uses the plural, ‘non-believers’, despite us not seeing recently that Keisha is home. I can only surmise that she is speaking also to the Sainted Holy Ghost Lisa who will forever haunt the home. There’s a chilly spot on the couch seat next to Cayla. They’re watching the tape together.

    Funny, why wouldn’t Lisa like Godzilla movies?

  17. This is where Cayla watches and discovers even MORE never-before-seen hidden footage that was missed by Les, Crazy Harry, and everyone else — Addressed to “The woman AFTER the other woman”….

  18. Epicus Doomus

    hitorque: Awesome…”To Les’ Visiting Nurse”…”To Summer’s Firstborn Son”…this could theoretically go on for infinity.

  19. DOlz

    Ya know maybe we have been misjudging Lisa here. Perhaps the other woman tape contains sage advice such as; how to make it look like an accident or suicide, or legal defenses if you get caught.

  20. Howtheduck

    I just hope Cayla doesn’t remark on how much she has changed herself to look more like Lisa.

  21. The Dreamer

    Lisa is going to reveal on the tape to Cayla that Les is really gay, and that even though he’ll never come out of the closet, Cayla deserves to know. That Les is really in love with Funky, which is why Funky’s first marriage to Cindy didn’t work out. Both Lisa and Holly came to terms with their husbands secret lives, and she will say to Cayla that if she doesn’t know by now, she needs to accept it.

    She will admit that Summer was an in-vitro/test tube conceived. Cayla will finally realize why Les has never been all that interested in sex.