Tag Archives: those stupid tapes

The tapes…which tantalize Onanism

Link to today’s strip.

Les’ fetish has never seemed so sick.  Of course he can’t let part of his shrine be glimpsed by an unbeliever.  I’m surprised he’s allowing Mason to touch them.  I’d have thought Les would have punched Mason in the face at such sacrilege.   (Mason:  “Huh, I thought I felt a light breeze just then.  Did I forget to close the door?”)

This and yesterday’s strips really should have Mason backpedaling furiously toward the door, his voice a gibbering quaver of terror as he makes his excuses.  But no, he sees these tapes as some rich vein of unobtainable treasure, sure to give his movie the gravitas it requires.  In this terrible, terrible comic strip everyone worships Lisa.  Not one person sees anything wrong with this.

As seen in the strips highlighted yesterday, even Lisa thinks she is an object of worship.  It’s clear to her that any “other woman” would never supplant Lisa in Les’ heart.  All this “other woman” can do is bake cookies for him, anoint his brow with oil, and make sure the Lisa shrines are properly dusted.  Les’ heart is forever bound to Lisa.  “Moving on” is something that Lisa (and Batiuk) cannot comprehend, much less allow.

Hey, Les, maybe there’s a tape in that bunch labelled “For the actor who wants to produce a movie about me.”  What do you want to bet?  And, if there is…what do you do now?

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“This is the voice of World Control”

Link to today’s strip.

Mason:  “So, Lisa made some videos before she died?”

Cayla:  “Yes, hundreds of them.  We’re all required to watch them.  They cover every aspect of our existence.”

Mason:  “…what?”

Cayla:  “Yes, we can’t make any kind of move, or any decisions at all, really, until we consult the library and find the tape that deals with the issue.  It’s Lisa’s way of making sure she always watches over us, always takes care of us.  I don’t know what we’d do without Lisa.”

Mason:  “Hmm…let me see if I understand.  When she knew she was dying, instead of being a loving wife and mother, she neglected both her husband and her child so she could sit in front of a camera and make films.   Instead of treasuring the time left, she decided to map out the future for her husband and child, by instructing them in how they should act and behave for the rest of their lives.”

Cayla:  “My life, too.  And I didn’t even know her.  Well, I didn’t know her then…but I know her now.”

Mason:  “What happens if you don’t do what she says?”

Cayla:  “I don’t know.  That never occurred to any of us.  All we can do is obey.  Besides, Les would probably get peeved, and that is forbidden.”

Mason:  (after a long pause) “My God.  I had no idea I was making a horror movie.  Welp, I’ve gotta go–gotta break some contracts and make a bunch of apologies.  Don’t call me!”

PS:  Is Les getting ready to jerk off in panel three?

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Sweet and Splice-y

We’re still in Crazy’s AV lair in today’s strip. When did Crazy become some sort of AV guru, a guy who owns shelves of different media players? I don’t even remember if he ran the projector back in Act I but now he’s going on about Bull’s sweet splice repairs. I’m a noted Betamax enthusiast who can talk at length about the late 80s rise in use of VHS cases and labels for Beta cassettes but I don’t say things like that.

One might wonder why Bull, who has both a fairly high opinion of his AV skills and lots (lots!) of free time, doesn’t simply buy or borrow the equipment and convert these tapes to DVD himself. One might also wonder why Bull, if he has such skills that he can splice videotape in a “sweet” manner, was never tasked with putting up any of Westview High’s legendary badly taped signs.

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She Lives, Sort Of

Link To Today’s Strip

And today we re-define “rock f*cking bottom” in the Funkyverse. Sheer self-indulgent, self-referential garbage, as aggressively awful as any individual FW strip I’ve ever seen. Once again the Great Author hauls out Lisa’s corpse and reminds us that she was nothing short of a saint, the grand martyr, always putting others first. “How special he is”…blurrrgh, pass the vomit pail please. Just revolting.

I do like how she looks a little like Wally in panel three. That’s what oncologists refer to as “stage seven”, I believe. This piece of idiocy might have made a LITTLE sense if it happened back when Les and Cayla first began dating, but now it’s merely another pathetic BanTom “victory lap” centering around that godforsaken cancer arc that he just won’t quit gloating about. Look at the effort and detail he put into making Lisa look as ill as possible, just totally disgraceful. What sort of person would enjoy something like that? It’s absolutely ghoulish, the work of a complete madman who’s thrown away the last eight years of his career patting himself on the back over a sub-mediocre and totally depressing piece of faux-profound drivel that did nothing but disturb and disgust people who were merely trying to enjoy the comics page. If he had any decency at all he’d retire right now and spare the world from having to endure any more of his pathetic depressing hackery, as he’s obviously completely out of ideas. I guess rehashing a Lisa memory that doesn’t involve her on her deathbed is just too much work for him these days.

And we haven’t even gotten to the “For Les” DVD yet, which promises to be even MORE repugnant and nauseating than this piece of garbage is, as difficult as that is to believe. I wonder if she donned her wig for that one like she did for her Summer videos? I seriously doubt that, though, as Les probably likes to remember his beloved wife like Batiuk does, with the cancer hat and death sweater, all gaunt and pale. I’m surprised he didn’t draw a chemo IV bag in the background too, just to drive his sick and twisted vision home with authority. The whole idea of a sick and dying person recording a video for a theoretical person she didn’t know and would never meet is so utterly idiotic it could only come from this lunatic’s felt tip, no one else on the planet would even consider doing something like this. This is exactly the sort of crap that drove me away from this strip for years at a time, what a piece of cringe-inducing claptrap, just shamefully terrible in every imaginable way.

And next time around I’ll tell ya how I REALLY feel. Stay tuned for Our Fearless Leader coming up next, until next time Stay freaking Funky!

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Oh No, These Tapes Have Got To Go

Link To Today’s Strip

“Funky Winkerbean”: the comic strip where opening mail and drawers is considered “action”. Tomorrow’s strip will no doubt feature the DVD tray slowly sliding closed, then a close-up of Cayla’s finger reaching for the “play” button, followed by that annoying FBI warning screen. I’m assuming that by “non-believers”, Summer is referring to the Lisa cult, a cult Cayla will be indoctrinated into very shortly no doubt, thanks to these f*cking DVDs that just refuse to go away. What a pile of shamelessly awful tripe. This is Batiuksturbation of the highest magnitude, just off the charts, the work of a very sick man with a very limited imagination. He resorts to his infamous “silent panels” in a sad attempt to give this contrived trash a sense of “importance” but all he succeeds in doing is making himself and his strip look even dumber. Which is quite a feat when you stop to think about it.

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She’s Got Person-Banality

Link To Today’s Strip

Summer didn’t have any problem with being filmed while reading Lisa’s journal entry about the time Frankie sexually assaulted her, but somehow this video footage is “personal”, even though Cayla never even knew Lisa at all. Yup, that makes sense. Dollars to donuts says it’s the usual patented Lisa drivel, featuring lots of pious platitudes and cornpone idiocy centering around the loathsome “Spanky”, delivered with that sickening saintly grin and those dead Lisa eyes. That ghoulish Lisa image in the header is nightmare fuel, it’s just hideous.

Oh what I wouldn’t give to see Cayla finally grow a spine, right here and now. “Summer, for the final time: I am sorry about your mother but right now I want you to get these f*cking tapes out of my house and go back to school because I’ve had my fill of Lisa for ten thousand lifetimes”. Then maybe she could refer Summer to a really good therapist or something, as this kid just ain’t right. This arc is just so sniveling and obnoxious it’s almost unbelievable and Batom just doesn’t care how stupid and implausible it is, he just wants to keep reminding everyone about that goddamned cancer arc, again and again and again. I quite frankly think it’s time for HIM to consider talking to a mental health professional too. It’s like he’s flat-out admitting that he hasn’t done a single noteworthy thing since that horrible arc ended, which is true, but still. It’s just plain not normal.

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Why, It’s Your Worst Nightmare, Other Woman

Link To Today’s Strip

Good God, just f*cking ponderous, man. Hopefully Lisa included some grammar tips for her daughter, as “it is some tapes my mom made” is one really awful sentence. That KSU education is already paying huge dividends for our beloved Summer, eh? If the next panel isn’t either Cayla tossing those DVDs in the trash or vomiting, I’ll be pretty disappointed. Seriously, how much of this crap is she willing to take? Lisa books, Lisa runs, Lisa tapes, Lisa screenplays, Lisa Lisa Lisa. It never ends. Now she has Les’ annoying daughter inexplicably hanging around the house waving Lisa DVDs in her face. What’s next, will Summer and Les put up a Lisa tree on Lisa’s Eve and exchange Lisa-related gifts too? They might as well, as it’d be no more demented than this nonsense is. Just look at Summer in panel two, she looks like she’s sharing some sort of earth-shattering information with Cayla instead of a few old DVDs featuring her mother’s endless meddlesome droning. Just awful.

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Can’t Wait For The Blu-Rays

Link To Today’s Strip

The image of Summer hanging out at home while surrounded by her Lisa videos is one of the more disturbing FW scenes I can remember, right up there with those faces you can sometimes see when TomBan draws gigantic asses. No wonder she’s shunned by the cool kids (and apparently everyone else too). I especially like panel two, where she’s literally watching a DVD in the truest sense of the term. Simply groundbreaking.

And it’s “fireworks factory” syndrome again as BanTom shamelessly draws out his “story” with a few profound silent panels. Everything involving Lisa is treated with such intense gravitas and profoundity with all sorts of seriousness and pondering. And I guarantee when he FINALLY gets to whatever it is on those DVDs that merits all this angst it’ll be the sappiest bunch of crap you’ve ever seen.

“Hey Cayla, got a minute?”. That’s up there with “hey Funky, you hungry?” or “hey Owen, wanna read comic books?” or “hey Les, wanna act like a smug annoying jerk?”. I mean of COURSE she has a minute, especially if it’s to remind everyone that she’s just Les’ second insignificant wife and not the one who died. This is already hands-down the most annoying arc of the year and they haven’t even played the f*cking DVDs yet.

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Lisa: The Complete Box Set

Link To Today’s Strip

Well, that was certainly worth the wait. Batiuk uses his favorite tool…the rehash…to draw out the “suspense” regarding the “other woman” premise for the first of what promises to be many, many, many days. Sigh. The idea of these two idiots watching these DVDs together makes me queasy, so I hope Les at least has the decency to watch them in another room or something. The way Summer’s sitting there with them like they’re Pokeman cards or something makes me feel very, very uneasy about her future. Didn’t she used to play basketball or something?

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Leeese-ter Eggs

Link To Today’s Strip

OK, color me baffled.  I have no idea what THIS is supposed to be but that last panel is definitely shudder-inducing for a whole wide variety of reasons. Lisa is back and this time, it’s with a vengeance! Seriously though, having her suddenly popping up all over the place again is definitely not a good sign. In all likelihood, this will merely be some drippy Lisa sap aimed at whatever lucky gal managed to reel in Dick Face after her very tragic drawn-out death, but then again you never know with this BanTom guy.  And hopefully the “For Les” DVD features Lisa explicitly telling Les that he is under no circumstances to ever write a book about her, as THAT would be funny. Which of course means that you can safely rule it out.

Why doesn’t he just tell her what’s on the stupid tapes instead of being all weird and cryptic about it? What the hell are “practice tapes”? WHOSE “senior year tape”, Summer’s or Lisa’s? I guess it’s supposed to be for Summer, but was a separate tape for each year of college really necessary? Seems like overkill and honestly, a bit domineering too. I wonder how long they go on for? Does she cover the bases right up to retirement? When he first introduced these VHS tapes I thought oh no, he can conceivably mine these tapes for Lisa material forever and damned if it isn’t happening right now.

But all this idiocy is totally overshadowed by Batiuk’s greatest artistic achievement in quite a long time: that disembodied, lifeless Summer head with the AV cables sticking out of her neck. They really should be connected to a copy of “Lisa’s Story”, as it IS the only thing keeping her alive right now. But nonetheless, it’s a chilling image.

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