Tag Archives: those stupid tapes

Credit Fraud

Today’s strip concludes (we hope and pray and hope and wish) this latest visit from the Ghost of Distress Past. Her Royal Wryness. The VHSaint herself.

  • Special thanks go out to Summer for being a prop with no impact on the story whatsoever, she has already collected her prize of appearing in a full 3 panel strip this week (panels will not necessarily be consecutive).
  • Special thanks also go out to Les for having such an insatiable ego and such milquetoast friends and family that he will continue to receive the unearned praise he has been given for decades now.
  • And extra special thanks go out to Crazy Harry, who demanded nothing but 18 panels of our precious time in return for his brilliant idea of pretending Isaac Asimov invented the concept of recording video using already obsolete technology.

On the subject of 18 panels (well, 16, thanks to a couple of 2 panel strips), this new Lisa tapes origin story actually takes up more column inches than the entire original origin story AND depiction of the recording of the tapes! That took just 16 panels in four strips. For all its faults, Act II got to the point…

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It belongs in a mausoleum!

Today’s strip appears to be the latest installment of one of TB’s most recent recyclable story concepts: “old person has a Lisa flashback in front of Summer”. Of course, it’s also the latest installment in his most overplayed story… but we all knew we would be back here eventually.

Just how many Lisa tapes are there? We can see 5 or 6 peeking out of the top of the box Crazy is carrying today, meaning there are probably at least 10 total in the box. The box Summer brought to him close to seven years ago was about twice as deep, also with about 5 or 6 tapes visible out of the top. This suggests that there are about two dozen tapes, over two full days worth of Lisa video assuming she recorded a full 2 hours in SP mode on each tape.

Regardless of how many of these tapes there are, they can’t be much more than conversation pieces now given that Crazy baked them when converting them all those years ago. Not that Les wanted anyone conversing about them despite having 7 or more of them on prominent display in his living room.

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Keep Circulating The Tapes

I suppose it was inevitable… but I had a fleeting thought that we might escape this arc without anyone bringing up the Lisa tapes. Alas, today’s strip has happened. It was a silly thought, really.

Wait, all Les Cayla sent to Marianne was two videocassettes? (apparently) Didn’t Les ask Cayla to send DVDs of Lisa’s tapes? (yes) But didn’t Les also have all of his Lisa tapes on display on the very shelf he just placed Marianne’s Oscar on? (also, yes) But didn’t Crazy convert all of the Lisa tapes to “digital” (and DVD) years ago, negating the need to send any physical media at all? (again, yes) But didn’t the conversion process require Crazy to bake (and likely ruin) the tapes because of their fragility and deterioration? (it did) Beyond that, why is she only returning these tapes to Les now instead of through a delivery company or at the movie wrap party? (because TB has panels to fill)

I suppose the real question here is, did Lisa make a tape about what to do in the event that an actress won an Oscar for playing her in a major motion picture? That might explain why Marianne wound up giving her Oscar away… everyone obeys the Lisa tapes! Sic semper videocassetta!

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The tapes…which tantalize Onanism

Link to today’s strip.

Les’ fetish has never seemed so sick.  Of course he can’t let part of his shrine be glimpsed by an unbeliever.  I’m surprised he’s allowing Mason to touch them.  I’d have thought Les would have punched Mason in the face at such sacrilege.   (Mason:  “Huh, I thought I felt a light breeze just then.  Did I forget to close the door?”)

This and yesterday’s strips really should have Mason backpedaling furiously toward the door, his voice a gibbering quaver of terror as he makes his excuses.  But no, he sees these tapes as some rich vein of unobtainable treasure, sure to give his movie the gravitas it requires.  In this terrible, terrible comic strip everyone worships Lisa.  Not one person sees anything wrong with this.

As seen in the strips highlighted yesterday, even Lisa thinks she is an object of worship.  It’s clear to her that any “other woman” would never supplant Lisa in Les’ heart.  All this “other woman” can do is bake cookies for him, anoint his brow with oil, and make sure the Lisa shrines are properly dusted.  Les’ heart is forever bound to Lisa.  “Moving on” is something that Lisa (and Batiuk) cannot comprehend, much less allow.

Hey, Les, maybe there’s a tape in that bunch labelled “For the actor who wants to produce a movie about me.”  What do you want to bet?  And, if there is…what do you do now?

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“This is the voice of World Control”

Link to today’s strip.

Mason:  “So, Lisa made some videos before she died?”

Cayla:  “Yes, hundreds of them.  We’re all required to watch them.  They cover every aspect of our existence.”

Mason:  “…what?”

Cayla:  “Yes, we can’t make any kind of move, or any decisions at all, really, until we consult the library and find the tape that deals with the issue.  It’s Lisa’s way of making sure she always watches over us, always takes care of us.  I don’t know what we’d do without Lisa.”

Mason:  “Hmm…let me see if I understand.  When she knew she was dying, instead of being a loving wife and mother, she neglected both her husband and her child so she could sit in front of a camera and make films.   Instead of treasuring the time left, she decided to map out the future for her husband and child, by instructing them in how they should act and behave for the rest of their lives.”

Cayla:  “My life, too.  And I didn’t even know her.  Well, I didn’t know her then…but I know her now.”

Mason:  “What happens if you don’t do what she says?”

Cayla:  “I don’t know.  That never occurred to any of us.  All we can do is obey.  Besides, Les would probably get peeved, and that is forbidden.”

Mason:  (after a long pause) “My God.  I had no idea I was making a horror movie.  Welp, I’ve gotta go–gotta break some contracts and make a bunch of apologies.  Don’t call me!”

PS:  Is Les getting ready to jerk off in panel three?

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Sweet and Splice-y

We’re still in Crazy’s AV lair in today’s strip. When did Crazy become some sort of AV guru, a guy who owns shelves of different media players? I don’t even remember if he ran the projector back in Act I but now he’s going on about Bull’s sweet splice repairs. I’m a noted Betamax enthusiast who can talk at length about the late 80s rise in use of VHS cases and labels for Beta cassettes but I don’t say things like that.

One might wonder why Bull, who has both a fairly high opinion of his AV skills and lots (lots!) of free time, doesn’t simply buy or borrow the equipment and convert these tapes to DVD himself. One might also wonder why Bull, if he has such skills that he can splice videotape in a “sweet” manner, was never tasked with putting up any of Westview High’s legendary badly taped signs.

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She Lives, Sort Of

Link To Today’s Strip

And today we re-define “rock f*cking bottom” in the Funkyverse. Sheer self-indulgent, self-referential garbage, as aggressively awful as any individual FW strip I’ve ever seen. Once again the Great Author hauls out Lisa’s corpse and reminds us that she was nothing short of a saint, the grand martyr, always putting others first. “How special he is”…blurrrgh, pass the vomit pail please. Just revolting.

I do like how she looks a little like Wally in panel three. That’s what oncologists refer to as “stage seven”, I believe. This piece of idiocy might have made a LITTLE sense if it happened back when Les and Cayla first began dating, but now it’s merely another pathetic BanTom “victory lap” centering around that godforsaken cancer arc that he just won’t quit gloating about. Look at the effort and detail he put into making Lisa look as ill as possible, just totally disgraceful. What sort of person would enjoy something like that? It’s absolutely ghoulish, the work of a complete madman who’s thrown away the last eight years of his career patting himself on the back over a sub-mediocre and totally depressing piece of faux-profound drivel that did nothing but disturb and disgust people who were merely trying to enjoy the comics page. If he had any decency at all he’d retire right now and spare the world from having to endure any more of his pathetic depressing hackery, as he’s obviously completely out of ideas. I guess rehashing a Lisa memory that doesn’t involve her on her deathbed is just too much work for him these days.

And we haven’t even gotten to the “For Les” DVD yet, which promises to be even MORE repugnant and nauseating than this piece of garbage is, as difficult as that is to believe. I wonder if she donned her wig for that one like she did for her Summer videos? I seriously doubt that, though, as Les probably likes to remember his beloved wife like Batiuk does, with the cancer hat and death sweater, all gaunt and pale. I’m surprised he didn’t draw a chemo IV bag in the background too, just to drive his sick and twisted vision home with authority. The whole idea of a sick and dying person recording a video for a theoretical person she didn’t know and would never meet is so utterly idiotic it could only come from this lunatic’s felt tip, no one else on the planet would even consider doing something like this. This is exactly the sort of crap that drove me away from this strip for years at a time, what a piece of cringe-inducing claptrap, just shamefully terrible in every imaginable way.

And next time around I’ll tell ya how I REALLY feel. Stay tuned for Our Fearless Leader coming up next, until next time Stay freaking Funky!

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Oh No, These Tapes Have Got To Go

Link To Today’s Strip

“Funky Winkerbean”: the comic strip where opening mail and drawers is considered “action”. Tomorrow’s strip will no doubt feature the DVD tray slowly sliding closed, then a close-up of Cayla’s finger reaching for the “play” button, followed by that annoying FBI warning screen. I’m assuming that by “non-believers”, Summer is referring to the Lisa cult, a cult Cayla will be indoctrinated into very shortly no doubt, thanks to these f*cking DVDs that just refuse to go away. What a pile of shamelessly awful tripe. This is Batiuksturbation of the highest magnitude, just off the charts, the work of a very sick man with a very limited imagination. He resorts to his infamous “silent panels” in a sad attempt to give this contrived trash a sense of “importance” but all he succeeds in doing is making himself and his strip look even dumber. Which is quite a feat when you stop to think about it.

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She’s Got Person-Banality

Link To Today’s Strip

Summer didn’t have any problem with being filmed while reading Lisa’s journal entry about the time Frankie sexually assaulted her, but somehow this video footage is “personal”, even though Cayla never even knew Lisa at all. Yup, that makes sense. Dollars to donuts says it’s the usual patented Lisa drivel, featuring lots of pious platitudes and cornpone idiocy centering around the loathsome “Spanky”, delivered with that sickening saintly grin and those dead Lisa eyes. That ghoulish Lisa image in the header is nightmare fuel, it’s just hideous.

Oh what I wouldn’t give to see Cayla finally grow a spine, right here and now. “Summer, for the final time: I am sorry about your mother but right now I want you to get these f*cking tapes out of my house and go back to school because I’ve had my fill of Lisa for ten thousand lifetimes”. Then maybe she could refer Summer to a really good therapist or something, as this kid just ain’t right. This arc is just so sniveling and obnoxious it’s almost unbelievable and Batom just doesn’t care how stupid and implausible it is, he just wants to keep reminding everyone about that goddamned cancer arc, again and again and again. I quite frankly think it’s time for HIM to consider talking to a mental health professional too. It’s like he’s flat-out admitting that he hasn’t done a single noteworthy thing since that horrible arc ended, which is true, but still. It’s just plain not normal.

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Why, It’s Your Worst Nightmare, Other Woman

Link To Today’s Strip

Good God, just f*cking ponderous, man. Hopefully Lisa included some grammar tips for her daughter, as “it is some tapes my mom made” is one really awful sentence. That KSU education is already paying huge dividends for our beloved Summer, eh? If the next panel isn’t either Cayla tossing those DVDs in the trash or vomiting, I’ll be pretty disappointed. Seriously, how much of this crap is she willing to take? Lisa books, Lisa runs, Lisa tapes, Lisa screenplays, Lisa Lisa Lisa. It never ends. Now she has Les’ annoying daughter inexplicably hanging around the house waving Lisa DVDs in her face. What’s next, will Summer and Les put up a Lisa tree on Lisa’s Eve and exchange Lisa-related gifts too? They might as well, as it’d be no more demented than this nonsense is. Just look at Summer in panel two, she looks like she’s sharing some sort of earth-shattering information with Cayla instead of a few old DVDs featuring her mother’s endless meddlesome droning. Just awful.

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