Bologna, Tony

SosfDavidO here for a two week stint!

As testament to just how powerful the pull of Ohio is in Tombat’s world, it would appear all of Hollywood has decided to up and move production there based on, um, I have no idea what. Sure it’s cheaper there but I’m guessing a big-budget tentpole movie like Starbuck Jones would be really heavy on the greenscreens. Unless Cleveland has some effects production house I’m unaware of a lot of the digital heavy lifting would probably be done in New Zealand, where they can pay artists in “exposure” and bundles of wool.

In any case, Tony is back in today’s strip! Half of the readers might have trouble even remembering who he is. I just keep thinking he’s Mario from Nintendo, just twenty years older.

That said, the path to madcap zaniness has been set, though Tony might want to check with the lawyers for the Starbuck Jones movie before engaging in any promotional offers for a movie he has zero rights to.



Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

22 responses to “Bologna, Tony

  1. HeyItsDave

    I really love the careful way T-Bats has rendered both Tony and Funky with misshapen potato heads.

  2. spacemanspiff85

    “Also, our son’s getting married. I think. If he still exists. Of course that kind of revolved all around Starbuck Jones, too.”

  3. “A chill went up my spine–as if, I might actually have SUCCESS in my business and make more money! Oh no–that’s terrible–ONLY Les is allowed success–do I still have anything here that I could use to kill Tony? Before he improves my business?”

  4. Epicus Doomus

    “No one-a buying any pizza, no one-a eating any pizza, just a bunch of mamalukes yakkity-a-yak-yakking away about-a some-a silly movie. I-a gotta marketing idea for-a you eh? Make-a pizza shaped-a like-a Ur-anus then sticka it uppa you ass! Get back-a to work!”

    The owner of the place shows up for the first time in years and all these nitwits can babble about is freaking SJ, again. So that throwaway line on Mason’s private jet regarding filming in Cleveland DOES mean that we’re now going to pretend that the entire SJ production has in fact relocated to Cleveland? I initially thought they were merely taking a break when they impulsively dropped everything and flew to Ohio, but apparently it was in the works all along…I guess. A few lines of dialog that weren’t cripplingly stupid MIGHT help clarify things like this a tad better. But then it wouldn’t really be FW, would it? The comic strip where trying to figure out what the hell is going on is 99% of the fun. It’s like a big puzzle that’s missing all the corner and middle pieces and has no illustration on the box.

  5. When was the last Tony was is this strip, anyway? I think it was the 40 anniversary strip. I could be wrong. That was four stinking years ago.

  6. billytheskink

    Hey, Tony’s back from Florida! You know, that place where everyone wears Hawaiian shirts…

    Forget the marketing idea, Tony. Find a way to weasel in on some of those sweet tax incentives that the Starbuck Jones production is absolutely getting.

  7. So, just to keep it clear–Tony of course knows who Starbuck Jones is.

    Because Starbuck Jones is an immensely popular comic book series, currently being turned into a major motion picture.

    And of course–naturally–anyone associated with the comics book or the 50’s serial is living in miserable poverty, because someone didn’t get a Pulitzer.

    This makes sense because…uh…um.

    Who wants to bet that the creators of the comic book have to put in an appearance? Of course they’ll be old and impoverished, so they can be put on the CME payroll as “consultants.” Just to ensure that Tom Batiuk never has to deliver anything like a resolution–who cares about stories when you can endlessly bitch about unfairness and stuff?

    And besides, Cliff and the comic book people can have a reunion, and they can jab forever about how the original golden vision was forever tainted. Like a comic strip I could mention, that decided that being funny was no way to win awards.

    It’s still six years to go before the only award left can be achieved by Tom Batiuk.

    Those six years are going to be a long six years.

  8. spacemanspiff85

    Why did Tony bring his suitcase to Montoni’s?

  9. spacemanspiff85

    And to answer Funky’s question: stroke and/or spinal cancer.

  10. Of course, when I think pulp-adventure sci-fi movies set on distant planets, I think Ohio.

  11. And when I think ‘good business ideas’, I think implausible and potentially lethal stunts that would get my depressing pizzeria shut down by a phalanx of lawyers. Forget half an inch from reality. He’s half an inch from the worst sitcom ever: Canada’s mind-searing experiment in syndicated wackiness “The Trouble With Tracy.”

  12. Chyron HR

    T: “We’ll start selling coffee…’
    F: “We already serve coffee, Tony…”
    T: “But we’ll call it STARBUCK’S coffee! Can’t fail, billion dollar idea.”

  13. Rusty Shackleford

    Holly is in her eighties in panel 1 and then drops 20 years in panel 2.

    But good to see Tony back after his spaceship abduction.

  14. Rusty

    Is the bus station next to Montoni’s? Every recent arrival to Westview immediately checks in there.


    Apparently elderly N64 Mario over here didn’t bother to unpack his luggage before visiting his restaurant. Which is probably just as much considering he is only her for plot convenience.

  16. “That said, the path to madcap zaniness has been set, though Tony might want to check with the lawyers for the Starbuck Jones movie before engaging in any promotional offers for a movie he has zero rights to.”

    You don’t get it, do you? The studio, producers, lawyers, etc. don’t have any say anymore… This “Starbuck Jones” project is under complete control of the Westview Cronyism Mafia… Mason can get anybody off the street any job or acting role in the movie (regardless of experience, ability or qualifications) with just a phone call. You want product placement in the movie? Easy… You want the set on location to *only* be catered by Montoni’s? Done… You want an exclusive cross-promotional deal with limited-edition SB merchandise only available through Montoni’s? Fine… You want to strongarm a major movie theater chain into only serving Montoni’s at their snack bars at all 3100 locations? Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is too outrageous to imagine…

    Mark my words: This storyline sooner or later will call for the involvement of one Lester Moore, probably as director (and to be fair, he couldn’t possibly be any worse than Zach Snyder). If Batiuk doesn’t make this happen, then he’s losing his fastball…

  17. HeyItsDave

    Poor Tony. After a lifetime of hard work, he managed to dodge the Westview curse and successfully get out of town – one of the few who managed to actually escape this bizarre, Twilight-Zone-like town. So what does he do? COME BACK. Like a moth to the flame…and with a suitcase no less. Is he going to move into the apartment upstairs? Share it with Cory maybe?

  18. Merry Pookster

    Tony should be sucking pizza through a straw with Mort..he’s gotta be 90.

  19. Professor Fate

    Pizza and Starbuck Jones, the stupid is approaching critical mass.

  20. The 2016 Pulitzer Prizes were announced today. Funky Winkerbean still hasn’t won one, increasing its non-Pulitzer streak to 44 years.

  21. The Dreamer

    Naturally, the movie studio that owns Starbuck Jones is going to award the fast food merchandising rights for the movie to Montoni’s. Because better to have Starbuck Jones movie pics/logos on Montoni pizza boxes and soda cups than Pizza Hut or Dominoes right? Those are national chains but Tony has the idea first and Mason will make sure he gets the rights, making Tony and Funky rich