Like No One Ever Was.

Link to today’s strip

Happy Friday Everyone!

You all can dissect this reveal at your leisure. The Cookie Monster bought all the cookies at the Sesame Street Bake Sale and we’re supposed to be surprised. I have no other comment on it.

Mostly I have questions for any artists we have out there.

When do you think was the last time Jess ate? Darrin’s huge sausage fingers are about to crush her rail thin spine.

Darrin’s nose has gotten flatter and flatter as the auction has progressed, almost as if the underlying bone was eroding away. Is the artist trying to indicate he has syphilis?

How long was that auction? Darrin has some pretty serious bags under his eyes.

Are Ghost Lisa and Ghost Phil gonna ghost bang or what?

What is that weird black thing in the bottom right corner of the second panel? Is it a speaker? Is it a top hat? Is it a weird failed perspective shot of the seat of the chair he’s just leapt up from? Whatever it is, why does it appear to be joining Maniac Grabby Hands Dr. Phil in shouting at the ceiling?

Why is Chester’s shadow red, when the floor is beige? Did the colorist think it was a red carpet that The Chiseler rolls out behind him wherever he goes like in Guardians of the Galaxy 2? Or is it a pool of blood from the victims he viciously clawed to death to keep them from bidding up the covers? And if that’s the case, why doesn’t he have gore all over his hands? Censorship?

And finally, please please please, for the love of Dead St. Lisa, can someone Photoshop some Pokéballs into Chester the Chiseler’s hands?

Pokémon League Expo hat is optional.




Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

23 responses to “Like No One Ever Was.

  1. Chester looks like a supervillain.

  2. countoftowergrove

    I’m so glad to be reminded that we spent the week at the Heritage Auction! Does Sainted Dead Lisa look like she’s aging? Why doesn’t her top have sleeves?

  3. Are Pokeballs like Batiukballs, except much bigger?

  4. Epicus Doomus

    So Chester bought them all, eh? Well, it’s his money to waste I suppose and obviously he’ll truly treasure them forever and etc. Yawn. Once again BatYuck pays homage to the comic book majesty of his youth by depicting modern-day comic book aficionados as deranged madmen, insufferable jerks, flaming weirdos or all of the above. He’s always had a very peculiar relationship with things he loves…like Lisa, for example. She dies, she comes back, now she’s just another background character, bringing up the paranormal rear, so to speak. It’s all very sick, dysfunctional and twisted.

  5. billytheskink

    I rather like panel 2, or really anytime Burchett breaks with TB and this strip’s stodgy artistic conventions and draws something interesting and cartoony (see Les’ dash out of the school for another example).

    It really takes the strip much further than TB’s famous 1/4″ inch from reality, which is a very good thing here. The thought of someone in real life buying every single Batom cover at auction is utterly appalling.

  6. ian'sdrunkenbeard

    Eeny meeny chili beany – the spirits are about to speak!

  7. Spacemanspiff85

    Oh, yay. More of this “your life should revolve around comic books, but only if you appreciate them in the exact same way that I do” crap from Batiuk. He is so weird.

  8. Epicus Doomus

    It’s kind of a final indignity for Phil too, as his precious career-defining artwork ends up in the hands of some insane fanboy instead of Boy Lisa and…wait, uh…never mind.

  9. ian'sdrunkenbeard

    If Ol’ Phil had known he could sell his autograph at a comics show for $25 a pop instead of doing caricatures at kiddie parties for $25 an hour, he wouldn’t have stuck his head in the oven!

  10. The instrument has yet to be built that can measure my indifference to the outcome of this arc. We knew going in that Batiuk irrationally hates today’s fans for jovially embracing their fandom instead of acting like the victims of maternal persecution they’re supposed to be so Chester’s appearance was a foregone conclusion. We know that this is also a blundering attempt to wail about how Jack Kirby was a shitty negotiator and also to promote Lisa’s legacy of being a passive dope who died so that Les might endure book tours so there’s nothing but wasted space there too.

    It’s like the strip has become the mall in this week’s Crankshaft:

    Me: Are we going to see the adventures of Summer and her friends?
    Batiuk: HA-HA-HA!!!!

    Me: Are we going to focus on anything that isn’t you either promoting your crap or you complaining about things?
    Batiuk: HA-HA-HA!!!

    Me: I don’t dare ask about what happened to Wally Junior.

    • bobanero

      You nailed it. This entire arc, and the only reason for introduction of Phil, was a transparently gratuitous attempt at calling attention to his art auction. It does nothing to advance any of the many dangling story lines or to give any insight at all into any of the characters. Same with the interminable Les book tour arcs.

  11. Rusty Shackleford

    Oh no, not Chester, he doesn’t care about comics, he just wants to profit from them…ha, ha, just kidding, who cares.

    Meanwhile over at Crankshaft, we are supposed to feel sad cause there are no more bookshops or record stores selling CD’s.

    Comic books, ghosts, and dead malls, Batty’s story arcs are so rich and deep, how thankful we should be to have him! A national treasure! Tragedy?

    • Double Sided Scooby Snack

      The funny part is he overpaid so he could get all of them. How’s he gonna make a profit?

      It’s hard to understand what rattles around in Batty’s pointy little bald head — Is it more important that they take in a lot of money, or that the Comix go to the “right” people??

      We DO know that it’s more important that money go to Lisa’s Larceny than to struggling young families living in California, where the cost of living is enormous.

  12. Professor Fate

    So why is Chester buying all the covers wrong? I’m confused. You’re tying to raise money for a fund, if a comic book obsessed lunatic with a big bankroll outbids everybody why should you or rather we the reader care?
    And does this now set up a dream sequence where Boy Lisa and the old commix kids (Dead Skunk Head and Crazy Harry) break into Chester’s mansion and steal the covers so that the ‘right people’ can have them. The Author did something this loopy with Boy Lisa’s pens so I wouldn’t be surprised . Depressed yes, but not surprised.

    • Gerard Plourde

      “And does this now set up a dream sequence where Boy Lisa and the old commix kids (Dead Skunk Head and Crazy Harry) break into Chester’s mansion and steal the covers so that the ‘right people’ can have them?”

      Oh no! You’ve just given me a scarier thought. We have two ghosts and a hoarder of comic books. Think about the season that’s almost upon us. Is some variation of “A Christmas Carol” in the offing?

    • comicbookharriet

      I don’t know if it’s supposed to be interpreted as ‘wrong.’ In fact we could call this a Deux Ex Machina, Chester’s deep pocketbook and monomaniacal frenzy to get all the covers probably drove the prices up considerably. With all that money going to Lisa’s Legacy, the supreme good end of all things.

  13. Dear Tom: You are becoming the sad, angry man you promised yourself you’d never become way back in the early ’70s. Don’t fool yourself: you’re not kicking against the pricks with these contrived arcs (apologies for the random Cave ref); you’re telling kids to get off your lawn, in both strips, which have collapsed under the weight of your misguided sense of senior entitlement despite your transparent attempts to position them as arch observations upon modern life. Today’s Crankshaft is the perfect example: rather than have them discover, say, an enduring and thriving local bookstore or vinyl haven (they are everywhere, dude), you rail against shopping mall mentality. I’m sorry you don’t get out into the real world – comic-cons are not the “real” world – but some of your fellow seniors do, and we find a LOT to celebrate rather than complain about.

  14. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    Scientists at the National Medical Science Agency announced today that cancer can now be cured. Repeat — Cancer can now be cured! Dr. Tess Stickles, agency chief, informed us that the cure was found with money raised at the Hertiage Auction Of Tombat Comix Covers, which really went well.

    “It was getting to be like we’d NEVER cure the cancer,” said Dr. Stickles. “Then we got this check for thousands of dollars from the Lisa’s Larceny Fund. I gave the check to our cancer scientists and said, ‘Here. We have more money now. Go spend this on curing the cancer.’ Like fifteen minutes later, they came back and said they were done. It was just the right amount of money. And even better, there’s a lot of happy Comix winners out there.”

  15. Don

    There was an auction? All I saw was a couple of people sitting in some audience and somebody on the phone. Meanwhile, over on Luann, there may or may not be a “lingerie party” going on.

    • Double Sided Scooby Snack

      Yeah, well there’s a lingerie party in Batty’s attic bedroom every time he gets himself ready for bed.